Read Diary ..now What?

[STR8UP]

I dont ask women about their sexual past either, and i wont address it if i am asked. There was an occaision where I got back with a certain girl after an interim, and while i didnt directly ask, i basically said if there has been anyone else im no longer interested.

You asked indirectly, same thing. You were "fishing" for the truth. Not a flame, but don't you see that as a tad hypocritical?

That's why I say that women have WAY too much to lose by being truthful about their sex life.

Thats just me, and that was totally situational. Maybe she lied, who knows. I didnt think it was unreasonable because it was a statement, not a query, and i had no problem with walking.

That's the thing. You'll never know. Did it REALLY matter?

By the way you "asked" you can be assured that you were lied to if she WAS with someone else, I'll tell you that.

 

[DavenJuan]

well i appreciate the advice positive and negative...however a few things need to be addressed......

1. i didnt ASK her if she slept with him based on the fact that i wanted a answer...it was more of a mental challenge. I ASKED her that to let her know that i KNOW you better than you think i do.

though you think you have a secret, iknow better based on your body language and energy. (which by the way seemed to work well since we had some of the best sex that night ever)

2. I have been called an AFC and insecure by a few who responded to my OP. i dont claim to be a converted AFC TO a highly strong DJ. however i have seen progress over the last few years within myself. and i have to be honest, no matter how you slice it.. AFC, DJ, PUA whatever..HOW MANY OF YOU COULD STUMBLE ACROSS A DIARY AND NOT BE CURIOUS?? (serious responses welcome)

3. I did not look at in her diary to find out if she was cheating on me. Was it wrong absolutely. however the reason i felt the need to look was pure human instinct. "What are her thoughts"..."is she truly happy with herself".. and remember, this was when we first got together almost over a year ago. so i did not have much INVESTED at the time.

4. Im not ALL UPSET AND CONFUSED about how her response went down. I knew the possiblity of her telling me NO SHE DIDNT were more likely than "yeah i did"...but again, my reasoning to ask her the question was not really geared to be answered truthfully.

I really want to know how many of you wouldve not read a diary if it was sitting there smiling right at you. Pleathera of information at your fingertips

 

[DavenJuan]

..and by they way...

a few said that i shouldnt have let her stay outside for 20 minutes chatting it up with an old friend. i personally think that is the ONLY thing to do in that situation. one, i couldve lead the conversation between the three of us, but then i had other MORE IMPORTANT things to do with the rest of the crew than to babysit her. WHICH IN YEARS AGO I WOULDVE STAYED JUST TO BE THERE, NOW I REALLY COULDVE CARED LESS.

it my come as contrary that i say .."hmm..she lied to me about this guy..why"" and then say.." i readlly could care less".. but it was only asked to my fellow peers to see how you wouldve handled this differently.

 

[STR8UP]

AFC, DJ, PUA whatever..HOW MANY OF YOU COULD STUMBLE ACROSS A DIARY AND NOT BE CURIOUS?? (serious responses welcome)

I've done it. And you can rest assured that pretty much ANY woman would do it.

In the instances where I had no reason to suspect anything it was completely wrong. And it didn't lead to anything good.

When I have snooped after I strongly suspected something was up, that's a different story.

Nowadays i would be inclined to simply trust my gut and cut it off without explanation, but in the past I HAD to have proof, and through detective work i got it. But I could have saved myself a lot of grief by taking action WITHOUT having proof.

Bottom line- if you don't seriously suspect her of anything, don't do it. If you need something to be able to put your mind at ease when your gut is telling you something is up....well, I wouldn't so it again, but to each his own.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'll look at the bigger picture. Why on God's green earth would you want to sacrifice your 20's by living with someone? Insanity. Also, living with someone is the worst of both worlds: You're not married, so there's really not a commitment there (actually in today's disposable society, marriage isn't much of a commitment, but I digress ...), yet there's enough of a commitment/living situation where you can't date others.

Two: You have the rest of your life to be tied down and married. The golden years for men are 18-30 and perhaps to 35, where you're young, in shape, your career is just taking off but you're not quite bonded with it, you can travel, you can date women 18-35 or whatever ... so you'd sacrifice this by living with someone at age 26?! Huh ... WTF?!

Three: Shouldn't have read her diary.

Four: Since you did and found out she boinked the dude, she did lie to you, something she can't pull back. One lie today is 10 more tomorrow.

And once again ... why in the freaking world are you living with someone at age 26?! Are you on crack? My 20's were spent as an AFC in LTR's, a complete, 100 percent waste of time. What I'd give to have that time back, I don't think I'd get in a relationship then, certainly not at 26. I'd be in Scandinavia partying with blonde hotties.

 

[Colossus]

I have been called an AFC and insecure by a few who responded to my OP. i dont claim to be a converted AFC TO a highly strong DJ. however i have seen progress over the last few years within myself. and i have to be honest, no matter how you slice it.. AFC, DJ, PUA whatever..HOW MANY OF YOU COULD STUMBLE ACROSS A DIARY AND NOT BE CURIOUS?? (serious responses welcome)

...I really want to know how many of you wouldve not read a diary if it was sitting there smiling right at you. Pleathera of information at your fingertips

Im not berating you for reading her diary. I told you i did it once myself. It is a huge temptation and you gave in. Hopefully you will never do it again, for your own sake. Its not so much about morality here as it is your own mental well being and integrity. Like i said earlier, if something needs to be known it will become known, dont dirty your own hands in the process.

Second, I wasnt flat-out calling you an AFC, but the way you handled alot of this is less than ideal. Naturally, you are rationalizing like there is no tomorrow to relieve that internal disparity between your aquired knowledge and the way you actually handled it.

We are all works in progress here. Its not like some day we all reach this epoch of manliness and become infalliable don juans united with the power cosmic. You have been here for a long time, and no one is disputing the progress you have made, but it can be near impossible to make those critical internal transitions--killing you inner chump--when you are in a relationship. Not impossible, but you need that 'time in the wild', alone and with the guidance of established men, to grow.

I would tell you eye-to-eye that if i came across another gf's diary, journal, or what-the-f*ck-ever that i would not so much as touch the cover. Would there be a kernel of temptation? Probably. But i dont want to know. I really dont.

Ill give you an analogy: When i was a teenager i shot an owl once just out of desire to kill. Blasted a big, beautiful animal out of the sky because i had a gun and i could. I will never, ever forget that. I am not proud of it and I would take it back in a second if i could. But since then i have never killed an animal for the sake of killing. I have hunted, legally, and kept what i killed, but i have never since killed a beast just because i could.

Same with the diary. You guys may not think it was a big deal, but i dont ever want to revisit that feeling again. I learned a hard lesson, but sometimes thats what it takes.

 

[Colossus]

You asked indirectly, same thing. You were "fishing" for the truth. Not a flame, but don't you see that as a tad hypocritical?

That's why I say that women have WAY too much to lose by being truthful about their sex life.



That's the thing. You'll never know. Did it REALLY matter?

By the way you "asked" you can be assured that you were lied to if she WAS with someone else, I'll tell you that.

Ill admit I am not immune to double-standards sometimes when it come to women. In fact i think most men arent.

But Ill hand you a touche there. It mattered to me because of the particular situation, the particular girl. I couldnt stand the thought of her with another guy. Would I ask the same question today? Probably not. I would accept the reality that she may have been with someone else, or i would choose to move on.

Double standards are a b!tch. We're so big here on spinning plates and not putting all of our eggs in one basket, but when a particular girls does it to us, especially sexually, she is a HOR. A tramp. A 'low quality' woman.

Men do things all the time with other women that they wouldnt tolerate their woman doing with other men. I say if you cant handle it when it happens on the other side of the street, then dont do it yourself.

 

[DavenJuan]

originally posted by Colossus
It mattered to me because of the particular situation, the particular girl. I couldnt stand the thought of her with another guy. Would I ask the same question today? Probably not. I would accept the reality that she may have been with someone else, or i would choose to move on.

Agree completely. and this is where i have seen progress. Before my motives for asking that question would be soley because there is no way i could see my girl at the time with someone else. the thought of it was repulsive.

This may have not been the first time, but since we have spent time reflecting on it, i realized that i could honestly care less who she has been with in the past. i mean i have known for the past year that she slept with her ex bf bestfriend and it had absolutely no reflection in our relationship.

what i will say is this....when i can get to the point that i can stare down any form of information that i know is easily accessible to me, and NOT proceed...i then can say i have made tremendous strides!

 

[squirrels]

Unless you marry a virgin, there are always going to be "skeletons". You just have to deal with them as they are...ancient history. And if you suspect that she's currently involved with them...well, time to shop around yourself.

Oh...and about your "altercation"...1) If a guy hits you, you have to be prepared to hit back, regardless of how big he is. Learn the basics of how to fight so maybe you can at least sting him before he crushes you. 2) Why is your girl letting other guys get "all up on" her while you're away in the bathroom anyway?

She doesn't sound like the type of chick I'd want to be with the rest of my life. But maybe there's more to the story than the bad parts. But if you want to call her out on sh!t in her diary, you have two choices: 1) don't tell her where you found out about it and look like a curiously perceptive dumbass, or 2) tell her where you found out and look like a possessive, controlling invader of privacy.

This post makes me uneasy on so many levels. Not VERY uneasy, just enough to raise the hairs on the back of your neck a little.

 

[penkitten]

here is my advice...
you can not unread the diary once you have read it.
curiosity killed the cat here.
you will never forget what you read.
you will always hold a grudge about her being at another man's home the night before you were at her home.
you may think that you can move past it, but you probably won't be able to.
if i were in your shoes, i would break things off now, before i invested into something that would be a waste.
if i were in her shoes, i would stop writing crap that i didn't want anyone to read.
she knew you were in her house, she knew what she wrote in that diary and where that diary was, and that sooner or later you would peep about. she knew it would get found. however, if you dare tell her you read it, she will get flaming mad and blame you for snooping.
so i would not breathe a word about the diary.

 

[drmeathead]

dude i talked before about girl chatting with the guy for 20 minutes. i think you played that fine. go let her have her chats with guys. i agree you shouldnt stand there and be her arm ornament. you are a man not a lap dog. i think you played that well.

however i am not thinking you understand that what she did was disrespectful. on its face it was poor on her part. it becomes exponetially worse when you consider the **** buddy factor. she choose to rebuild some of the bond that she and her **** buddy had. cmon man please see that for what it is.

as far as fighting that guy. why? who cares? unless she was begging you for help because he was molesting her, there is no reason you should have gotten involved physically. like i said before what the hell is she doing allowing someguy to be all over her. if she were truley offended, she would have poured his drink or her drink over the guys head. the rotten truth is she loved the attention from the guy.

while you dont have a right to be mad about her lying about ****ing that other guy or that she was over that guys house the night before you got together, those are not traits of a keeper. you live with her so are stepping towards keeper status with her. i agree with the other guys posting here . move out at the least and perhaps keep an open relationship with her. you know she is cool with the **** buddy thing.

 

[bigjohnson]

People do all sorts of stupid things, like screw their ex's best friend, or write private stuff down on paper instead of using mil-spec crypto. Sometimes they will even stoop to snooping in other peoples private things.

I'm not sure you should hold some stupid past acts against her if you can help it. Also, learn to respect boundaries. When I catch women snooping around it's an LTR deal-breaker, and this rule should apply both ways IMO.


The leaving you and your party for 20 minutes to catch up was a telling act though. I wouldn't like that at all.

 

[STR8UP]

I can't believe ANYONE would fault a woman for lying when put on the spot about a very PRIVATE matter that is of no consequence.

Oh wait, it is of BIG consequence to the guy who confronts her with it.

So much so that he might do something stupid like break up with her because she told the truth about something that didn't concern him.

Makes a lot of sense guys. Hope that kind of thing works out for you......

 

[aliasguy]

here is my advice...
you can not unread the diary once you have read it.
curiosity killed the cat here.
you will never forget what you read.
you will always hold a grudge about her being at another man's home the night before you were at her home.
you may think that you can move past it, but you probably won't be able to.
if i were in your shoes, i would break things off now, before i invested into something that would be a waste.
if i were in her shoes, i would stop writing crap that i didn't want anyone to read.
she knew you were in her house, she knew what she wrote in that diary and where that diary was, and that sooner or later you would peep about. she knew it would get found. however, if you dare tell her you read it, she will get flaming mad and blame you for snooping.
so i would not breathe a word about the diary.

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Yep. As I similarly advised above. You put it better, though, PK.

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[penkitten]

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Yep. As I similarly advised above. You put it better, though, PK.

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i just can't see staying in a pool that has been pissed in any longer. i think he should get out and find a new pool.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Before all the apologists for this women jump on this thread, I want to tell you: This is not a woman for a LTR or marriage.

Why did you move in with her? Why are you STILL living with her after these events? You know her character. you read it! It may have been wrong to read it, but now you know. Save yourself!

Break it off and move out. I cannot imagine how this relationship can possibly work.. it is insanity to put yourself in this position.

Do you think she will "change" into a loving partner who won't constantly drag you to see her ex-lovers? She is an AW who loves to rub it in your face!

For God's sake listen to me before the "you are just insecure, grow up and live with it" crowd jumps on this thread.

LMS: Help!!!!!!

Dieztcoi

Dietzcoi, some guys have few options and thus have few choices!

By the mere fact that she lives with you tells me a lot about her already!!! I don't need to read her diary - I already know her mindset!! She is nothing special! And yes, Davenjuan, you are being disrespected when she talks to other dudes for a great length of time and you are present!

 

[dietzcoi]

Amen, LMS

I don't get how these guys put up with the disrespect. I guess they choose to ignore it. I suppose that is better than fighting (I have fought more than once and it is always stupid, even when you win)... but, at some point you are backed into a corner.

So, the only solution is .... next!!

What else can you do when you find out the woman is trouble?

Dietzcoi

 

[DavenJuan]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
I don't get how these guys put up with the disrespect. I guess they choose to ignore it. I suppose that is better than fighting (I have fought more than once and it is always stupid, even when you win)... but, at some point you are backed into a corner.

so many people in these forum walls are sooo quick to NEXT someone.

I did not and still dont feel that she disrespected me by talking and catching up with an old friend. Would it have been any different if it were a female friend?

The thing is..IF i cared taht she was chatting it up with this guy for 20 minutes, then i WOULD have told her to come in, "we got shots wating" and maybe even have him join. who knows...but the thing is i DIDNT care. Why should i have? I have been in those situations before.

 

[Mr.Positive]

After reading this post, I sense one great BIG sh!t test.

The OP lives with her in a LTR, and she puts her diary in a drawer? She wanted him to find it. She knew he would. Otherwise, it would be actually hidden someplace, instead of in a drawer, in the room they share together. That's what I think.

She's testing his strength here. Does he read it? Can he handle it? Does he keep quiet? Does he sulk? They have been together for 1 year, and live together.. This is all one big messed up test.

Here's what I would do. I would call her out on it. I would tell her I found her diary, and to do us both a favor, and put it someplace where I won't stumble upon it.

Don't tell her you read it. If she starts accusing you of reading it, don't anwer her, and drop the whole thing. Throw it back at her for putting YOU into a position where you had to make a decision of reading it, or not.

99.9 % of people would have read that diary, don't feel bad. Make that 100% of women, if men had diaries. You are human, she knows this, you know it.

All this sneaking and snooping around is going to ruin this relationship, IMO. Come clean and call her out on her BS.

 

[jonwon]

so im getting myself in the rear end right now...let me give some quick backgournd...

i live with my gf of 1 yr now.. a couple months into the relationship i saw that she had a dary stuffed in her drawer. i know youre wandering what am i doing in her drawer? well i was stashing a valentines day gift in there and came across it. needless to say i did not leave my gift there and placed it somewhere else. however i was contenmplating on taking a "quick look".

needless to say, a "quick look" turned into me reading a novel as if it were a stephen king book.

story 1: she messed around with a guy named keith and they basically dated for awhile. as a matter of fact the first night i ever stayed at her place, she was at his place the night before (occurding to her diary)

now i am not mad about that because we werent together at the time, and she can date whoever she wanted. what i am upset about is that months later we go out with another couple and we are both drunk. she stays at the bar while the other couple and me go have a smoke..well, i come back like 10 minutes later and i see this guy all over my girl REAL close. so i get him off my girl and get into it with this guy.. he ends up punching me and i walk away. (by the way , this guy is 3 times my size. almost a scwharzaneggar on steriods...the chicks in the bar who saw loved me for being the bigger man..when i just was trying to not get my arsed kicked:yes

the next day she confessed and tells me she knows the guy from work and that was it, but then tells me that they kissed once after she decided the whole "i really dont know him story" wasnt working to well. but after reading her diary i know that she knows him a hell of alot better than she is admitting too.

story 2: I read some very interesting stuff about her past..mainly that she slept with her ex boyfriends best friend well after they had broken up. They had a couple of rendevous for awhile.


well last night we were out with a group of my friends..as we were walking into the bar she screams..." JOE , JOE...come meet joe"....she intrudes me and its this freakin tool joe who is her ex boyfriends best friend that she slept with a couple times....first i was fine, but i felt REALLL uncomfortable being there so i go into the bar. they continued to catch up outside for like 20 minutes until all of my friends and i were ready to go to the next bar.

I tried my hardest not to say anything but i couldnt help myself.

me:"Whats up with you and joe...? i can tell by your body language that he was more to you than just yoru ex bfs best friend...did you ever mess around with him....?
her: NO...(comes in to give me a hug for reassurance)
me: i can tell by your response to my question that there is more that your not telling me???
her: your retarded..i never did anything with him...why would you even think that?
me: OMG, you did fool around with this guy, did you f*ck him? that disgusting knowing that you were with his bestfriend!
her: i swear i never did anything with him!

i had an attitude for the rest of the night and things were a bit akward. but i havent mentioned anything today about it. i let it go for the most part. and i alerady know that i put myself in this situation..but knowing what i know, and putting faces with the "novel" i read, its very uncomfortable...and her lying to me isnt helping either. i proabably would do the same in her shoes because it was all before me, but it still bothers me.

how would you feel standing outside of the bar and being introduced to and old friend of your ex bf, and the guy standing across from you and your girlfriend both know that they have a lil "secret"?

Regardless of how this spans outs.

(sadly here is a fortune for the future, this relationship wil most probably fail).

You have clear issues of trust, jelousy and controlling behaviour and a classic case of 'foot in mouth syndrome'.

Even if you suspect your GF is fuc*ing other men, and i put the word suspect, the last thing you should do is go verbilize this to a women in the hope she will 'tell all' sadly women dont operate this way and will 'lie' through her back teeth to prove you are wrong and at the same time make you out to be a controlling jelouse goon.

On the other hand if she has not cheated and you start coming out with the shi* your coming out with, she will tell you the truth but in your jelouse head you wont know whats the 'real' truth or not.

So conclusion:

Accusing your GF of doing immoral actions whilst in a relationship and sounding like some whiny as* brat who throws his dummy about will result in one thing and one thing only.

Your GF interest level will decrease the more and more you keep pushing this warped agenda her way.

now saying that you have seriouse trust issues and jelousy issues as well as controlling and being overtly paranoid.

I dont buy your reasons for finding the diary, i think your looked for it in the hope you could prove your GF is not worth keeping around and now your simply trying to fish for these things from her and looking for excuses to why you think she is not faithful e.t.c.

hence two parts:

You gut is telling you something, it seems to have started with the problem at the bar where the guy from work was cracking onto her or not.

this is the foundation and the only thing thats need work on, nothing else matters, was she being chatted up or was he being friendly?

I do not what is clear your one jelouse guy and i know when jelousy comes into the picture it can distort reality, but then again one should always go with there gut and it seems your gut is ringing alarm bells, so in that was the guy at work 'chatting her up' or was he being friendly, if it was the other are they still in contact after he 'punched you', if so that this is probably where your 'blip' is coming from and rightly so.

Still regardless, your actions will spell the doom of your relationship, for anyone who comes on this site and acts like you are, deserves in all truth for the women to move on. Your only encouraging her to fuc* around more.

If and only if you sense a possible disturbance, the last thing you do is make it worse, if you have not decided to walk, then you should decide to get your fuc*ing shi* together and stop with the whining and start being a man she would not dare cheat on, hence you really are being a spinless little oik, either do one or the other, hovering in the middle will give you a fast track ticket to dumps-ville.

So far your GF has done a few red flag things as far as i am concerned but in truth i think alot of her actions are simply products of her failing Interest level in you since your actions are fundimentally relationship suicide.

Keep acting like some jelouse controlling little fuc*ing brat and joe will most probably be fuc*ing her in her dirt box faster then your dummy hits the floor.

You have been warned.

Her past has nothing to do with you, especcially the BF or guys who fuc8ed her, now if she wants to keep mates with FB, then that tells me your relationship is not has strong as you think, either way encouraging her to fuc* around is all your doing.

typos*