Questions about NC - Need to resolve some doubts...

[Genos]

Sup y'all. About a month ago, I separated from a girl I was pretty damn close to; she told me she didn't want to talk to me, and to not write to her (I guess she initiated NC, heh).

I've kept up NC thus far, but as many of you have probably experienced, it can be fking hard as nails. There are some days where every free moment you're not engaging in a task your mind wanders to thinking of her, and the possibility of hearing her voice again.

With my recent DJ training though, I've started to become rather self-aware; I am able to take a 3rd person view on my own thoughts and actions, analyze them to try to determine the true motivation behind them, and perhaps most importantly, catch myself in the act of rationalizing (hamstering) an action that I shouldn't take (not only women, but I think men have 'hamsters' as well. I do think that men can control and redirect them more easily/with conscious effort though).

In any case, I had some questions about NC. I'm well aware that NC is regarded very highly to preserve in breakup situations, but I've kind of narrowed it down to a few of the main reasons why I really want to break NC so badly (especially after a long period of time, so she's had some time to think and miss you)...and I'm wondering what you guys think of them. If they're just cheesy rationalizations, feel free to purge me of them; but I honestly think these might be valid situations in which No Contact can backfire. Is NC always the correct thing to do?

1. What if both people want to get back together (or more generally, if there's still some interest remaining on both sides), but both are doing NC? In this scenario, if both the guy and the girl are not talking to each other (maybe afraid to get hurt again, don't want to give the other person power, etc.), but in fact want to get back together (maybe the dumper has reconsidered, but can't go back on the initial decision), doesn't NC make reconciliation impossible?

1(a). As a corollary to the above, I've deeply considered sending a flaccidly interested message/text to gauge her interest level, e.g. "lol just saw/read/watched this (insert funny pic/video tied to a positive memory of us) and i thought of you"; which has in fact happened to me a lot. Would this be effective?

2. It sucks having the last things said to one another be negative things...What if we never see each other again - would the last thing she have said to me be "I don't want to talk to you, don't write to me" and a bunch of negative stuff? Likewise, though I managed to stay nonreactive, I don't feel I ended things ideally either. What I'm getting at I guess, is to leave each other on better terms than final words of the breakup discussion.

These are just a couple of the concerns/problems I'm dealing with...What do y'all think? Can NC sometimes not be a good thing? Or will it just give the ex too much hand if I initiate again?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Consider this: you - in a fit of butthurt anguish, self pity, false hope and a Disneyland view of this woman - reach out to her with some lame message, and she either doesn't respond or reminds you she asked you not to contact her again? If you feel like shyt now, how do you think you'll feel after that?
I and anyone else who's gone NC on a girl has felt exactly like you do. You can come up with 100 reasons to contact her but it's your mind playing tricks on you.
NC isn't about having power over the girl, it's about conserving power for yourself. A true DJ knows when he's on a fool's errand and that the best thing is to forget the past and focus on himself and attracting a new mate (or several preferably).
Contacting this woman - especially after she made it clear she wants nothing to do with you - is a fool's errand and will most likely open old wounds that haven't even fully healed yet.

 

[Fireballs]

The reason you are finding NC hard is that you are hoping it will lead to something other than not speaking to her again.

If YOU broke up with HER for something she did and the offense was forgivable (eg. you over-reacted) then I think it is ok to break NC and judge by her actions whether she is deserving of being with you again, but I'm guessing that this is not the case here.

Stay strong.

 

[sylvester the cat]

If you mean that much to her then let her be the one to break contact.

 

[hudpes]

1. What if both people want to get back together (or more generally, if there's still some interest remaining on both sides), but both are doing NC? In this scenario, if both the guy and the girl are not talking to each other (maybe afraid to get hurt again, don't want to give the other person power, etc.), but in fact want to get back together (maybe the dumper has reconsidered, but can't go back on the initial decision), doesn't NC make reconciliation impossible?

1(a). As a corollary to the above, I've deeply considered sending a flaccidly interested message/text to gauge her interest level, e.g. "lol just saw/read/watched this (insert funny pic/video tied to a positive memory of us) and i thought of you"; which has in fact happened to me a lot. Would this be effective?

1. thinking in this way only makes sense if you two are not just strangers in the night who have once exchanged glances and then decided to spend some time together. There is no higher goal to fight for for neither of you. If you had children, bought a house, spend good 10 years together, rely on one another but somehow things went astray because you were neglecting the relationship. Then there is a separation, a re-thinking of the whole situation, realizing you took eachother or you her, for granted and then you come out a man who knows what he needs to do to fix it, don't be a ****, say thank you from time to time, help her with chores, take her out to dinner sometime, surprise her, buy sex toys..... so in this example, you do want to get back together, because the alternative is more complicated, unpleasant and with an uncertain outcome for your happiness.

You two, have nothing! Whatever reason she wanted to break up for, it's irrelevant. There is no way you can make this simply go away, because she didn't throw you away just because of this one thing, but because of majority of things you are and you can't change yourself that much no matter how diligent you are. So, no point in getting back. Sure, you can try, successfully too, would be a very nice make up sex, but this is only a re-launch with an inevitable cliff at the end and you don't have wings, and I promise you the end will come. For her, the more or less short ride will be nice, until she'll start feeling like it's stale and stuffy, then she'll turn away in disgust, maybe f*ck a friend of hers or yours, and you'll post another thread here. If you need an experience of crashing hard, go for it, otherwise, find another tail to chase.

If you will chance on this thread a year from now, you will bang your head against the wall upon reading 1a, so I won't even comment. Keep your head up, it's not the end of the world, just the end of some relationship.

 

[MattTheW]

If you mean that much to her then let her be the one to break no contact.

It's difficult, my LTR crumbled after 7 or so years, we tried to make it work for a few months, but she eventually said it had to end

It's harder when you aren't the person ending it. And for a while you cling onto the hope that she will want you back....

But you cant have your final goal of NC that you will be back together

You have to accept that they have moved on, that you are doing this for you, you don't need to make contact with them anymore

Usually, the person who does the breaking up is actually further along this process than the dumpee, in my case, I think she was about 3 months ahead......

And as Sylvester said, if you mean that much to her, she'll break the no contact and it wont be a sh1t test or an ego boost or anything like that, but you cant wait around hoping that that will happen.

As for the liking her statuses, sending her links etc.... I did exactly the same for the first couple of months of our breakup......my ex never responded to them and in the end I stopped that stuff altogether once I got my head in the right place.......

 

[MOTU]

All good comments here. Let's remember that "the road back is not the road home". The purpose of NC is to shorten your grieving period so you can move on to a more healthy, fulfilling relationship - with someone else.

Now go get laid!

 

[Genos]

Sorry, but I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a little longer >_>; I'm still wondering about the scenario when both people are following this line of logic:

If you mean that much to her then let her be the one to break contact.

If she's thinking the same thing -e.g., "If he really cares, he would've tried harder to get me back" - then nobody contacts each other, and everyone loses. Is this something that happens?

I know that in my particular situation, I should prolly keep up no contact, and I completely agree with y'all's reasoning. But isn't the above scenario a possible negative of no-contact? Does it matter? Should the man always just move on?

My current problem is this:

The reason you are finding NC hard is that you are hoping it will lead to something other than not speaking to her again.

Which I've realized is absolutely true. There are some days that go by where I tell myself, "I'm not sustaining hope anymore I'm moving on," and then the next day I think that the above couldn't be more accurate, and that I'm still holding out for her.

Any advice on moving on from the regret of missed opportunities with her? That's a big factor in what's keep me still caring about contacting her, I think..

 

[Shaka]

Spin plates

It helps a lot.
And when you meet a quality girl you want to LTR with, I think you won't think about your EX at all.

That's what I came up with.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Sorry, but I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a little longer >_>

Sorry, I'll play the as$hole for a while then!

Wake the F*CK UP dude!

She is not NCing you. She is over you man.

I bet that unlike you, she is not posting about her ex over the internet to a bunch of people she don't know!
I guarantee you that she don1t even know what the f*ck NC means!

Let me put it simply. SHE DUMPED YOUR A$$!!

Which means, she don't want you anymore. Simple as that!

So, if she dumped you in the first place, WHY THE F*CK would she be scheming on how to get you back. Specially when she know she can get you back with a snap of her fingers.

Wake up man! I know it is tuff. I've been in the same position you are once. Doubt it? Go read my first 10 posts.

The sad truth is, she is riding someone else's c0ck right now to fill the emotional/physical void you left when she dumped you.

Believe me, she is! She is not this perfect angel you believe she is.

But I guess only time, and a truck load amount of sh*t you'll do, will make you realise this sad truth.

There is nothing anyone in here can say that will convince you otherwise. I see my past self in you.

You are one of the hard learners. Which has it is value. You have to learn the hard way first, at the expense of your sanity, and the respect of this girl, which will go to an absolute zero. Then you learn.

But once you've learned this way, you'll learn for good!

Good luck!

 

[Genos]

Sorry, I'll play the as$hole for a while then!

Wake the F*CK UP dude!

She is not NCing you. She is over you man.

I bet that unlike you, she is not posting about her ex over the internet to a bunch of people she don't know!
I guarantee you that she don1t even know what the f*ck NC means!

Let me put it simply. SHE DUMPED YOUR A$$!!

Which means, she don't want you anymore. Simple as that!

So, if she dumped you in the first place, WHY THE F*CK would she be scheming on how to get you back. Specially when she know she can get you back with a snap of her fingers.

Wake up man! I know it is tuff. I've been in the same position you are once. Doubt it? Go read my first 10 posts.

The sad truth is, she is riding someone else's c0ck right now to fill the emotional/physical void you left when she dumped you.

Believe me, she is! She is not this perfect angel you believe she is.

But I guess only time, and a truck load amount of sh*t you'll do, will make you realise this sad truth.

There is nothing anyone in here can say that will convince you otherwise. I see my past self in you.

You are one of the hard learners. Which has it is value. You have to learn the hard way first, at the expense of your sanity, and the respect of this girl, which will go to an absolute zero. Then you learn.

But once you've learned this way, you'll learn for good!

Good luck!

Lotus! I completely understand - and I'm on the road to accepting that she's moved on (you mentioned me being a hard learner; that's like, 200% true <_<). My goal in asking about that scenario was to analyze a hypothetical in which NC might backfire (a position that's definitely not popular, i.e. playing the DA) - I definitely don't think that's what, in my situation, the girl is feeling.

A lot of your points make sense to me (getting me back at the snap of her fingers, at this moment, is probably true, heh. I need to hold myself in higher regard)...and in all probability it could very well be possible that she's already moved onto another dude.

But at the same time, I don't want to get jaded and assume the absolute worst case position - that's why I have these thoughts, all for the objective of trying to improve my understanding of game and of women. I don't think it's correct to just blankly accept things and move on without introspection (though I'm probably overanalyzing >_>).

I know that I need to move on - asking this stuff is part of the moving on process for me, i guess. I'm trying to purge myself of my few remaining doubts...perhaps it's a residual AFC trait, going this far...

Women are far more intuitively intelligent in the 'crimson arts', no need for them to ask questions online, as you said...but in the words of Shark, "Their natural viscosity in social dynamics comes with a catch; their mastery over themselves is far more limited." I'm trying to reach this level of mastery over myself; the first step is accepting she's over me, which, as you've guessed, I'm still working on >_>.

 

[Cremasta]

I'm just impressed that you used 'corollary' and 'flaccidly' in the same sentence

What will help you a whole lot is if you stop thinking about your situation as 'No Contact', it implies that you may get back in contact and rescue it.
Start thinking about it as 'finished'. The old saying 'It takes two to tango' is absolutely true and she's made it very clear that she's not interested anymore.

 

[jay07]

Short response,

she told you to not contact her. you haven't done so. and she hasn't contacted you either.

think about past flings you might've had with chicks, and I can as well as others here I would believe will let you know, chicks are more egotistical. if she missed you she would contact you.

instead of rationalizing and waiting, just forget you two had anything.

sometimes people lose their feelings with no good reason, it just happens. you have to respect that she didn't choose you, and that's okay. cause in the future, you'll be in her shoes and next a girl who is wondering the same thing you are

 

[Lotus Effect]

@Konduit.
I really see myself in you. Right now you are overanalizing too much, and by the way you write, I can see it is in your nature. That has it's pros and cons.
The pros is that you will learn a lot, the cons, as I've said, that it will cost your sanity, and you'll remember this girl for way more than you'd like to, which means, it will take you longer to move on.

Not always fully grasping everything will set you free. In fact, it will lock you up even further.

And rest assured. Becoming jaded is the number one thing that will happen to you, specially if you keep digging for the "truth" (aka Red Pill)

Ignorance is bliss! hahaha

cause in the future, you'll be in her shoes and next a girl who is wondering the same thing you are

Quoted for truth!!

I back this up, with, of course, experience!

After being brutally devastated by my ex and learning the hard I've nexted a chick who went bananas, the say way I went, and left her without a proper explanation.

It is lion's king circle of life. Someone f*cked get's you and f*cks you up in order to grow saner, than you f*cked gets someone and f*cks her up and gets saner, she will f*ck someone up to get sane, and so it goes!

 

[asa_don]

if you had other girls in your life, you wouldn't give any of this a thought, if she wanted you back she would contact you, she said she doesn't want to talk to you, sounds easy enough not to contact her, if you do it wont be anything good coming back from her. she has moved on, i suggest you do the same.

get a hotter girl bro, then she'll come calling you, thats what my ex did, i didnt want her, i got someone better.