Question For You Guys ... Did I Go Too Far?

[Nu Vision]

Ok. So I've been going out with a co-worker who is probably an HB8 and I like a lot (I've posted about her before). The situation is complicated because she is on and off with a bf she has. At times she tells me they are done for real and then I discover that she's back talking to him.

I made mistakes with this girl from the start in letting her know I like her and showing too much interest. Slowly but surely I've stopped compliments and started acting more cold and indifferent which as expected peaked her interest in me.

We've gone out to lunch during work once and for drinks 3 times. She had a huge fight with the bf and hit me up wanting to meet up for drinks. I sensed she just wanted me there as a friend to talk about her issues and told her I wasn't available to meet. I really wasn't since I had set up a date with another girl who I don't like as much but had fun with her.

My question is did I go too far in letting my coworker know that I had a date with another girl. I did it to show her I have options and not available to her whenever she wants. Also to let her know that if she doesn't decide soon about whether to let the bf go for sure or not she will lose me to someone else. It's recommended to be indifferent and let women know that we have options but did I mess up in telling her I had a date.

She talks about this all the time now and says I chose someone else over her.

Yesterday she hit me up and said we should meet. I said ok and told her I'd pick her up at 8. She then said ... "On second thought ... maybe you should go hang out with the other chicky you were with." And then said she had other plans with a girlfriend but the gf was being flaky and she would let me know if the gf cancelled. Told her nope. Let's meet up another day then that she's not busy.

This chick has me confused. She texts and invites me out which shows she is interested but she wants things done on her terms. For example, she wanted to hang out Thursday night. I couldn't do it that night and offered another day. She said she couldn't.

It's like we are both on an ego trip and wanting to show who is in control. In the end no one wins.

 

[Moroder]

Sounds like a lot of trouble for basically nothing.

It's like we are both on an ego trip and wanting to show who is in control. In the end no one wins.

By my rules of engagement, women with on/off things are not worth it. I don't like people who cannot decide what they want or don't want. But that's just me. In any case, you can "win" easily by quitting. Stop playing by her rules, and she'll have to find somebody else for her rebound.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She sounds like a manipulative b!tch. She's using you against her bf and stringing you along at the same time.

At some point you have to be like "look, you wanna fvk or not? Other girl does. I'd rather get it from you, but I'm going to get it somewhere."

That's rude and crude. She'll call you an assh0le. She might slap you or throw a drink on you. But then she'll at least stop jerking you around.

And then, the next time she has a fight with her bf, I would guess that there's a good chance you'll get a call or text that says, "hi, I was thinking about what you said...can I come over?"

 

[Nu Vision]

Thanks guys. She's stringing me along I guess. I get confused because she initiates texts and invites me out which signal interest.

You guys didn't answer this though ... when spinning plates is it smart to tell a girl you are seeing other girls or it should be left unsaid and something she knows is possible in the back of her mind that you have other options.

 

[Nu Vision]

Thanks Mauser. I'm gonna chalk this one up to her being attention seeking and confused about she wants.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Mauser's advice is solid. I'll make it even simpler for you, guy: when a woman likes you - and I mean really, REALLY wants to be with you - she doesn't make it complicated to do so.

Think about it:

* If she had a strong desire to be with you, the boyfriend would be gone already and you'd be banging her. But you're not. Why? NOT A STRONG INTEREST.

*If she wanted to be with you, she would do things on YOUR terms to appease you. But she's not. Why? NOT A STRONG INTEREST.

*If she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't keep bringing up other girls as an excuse not to see you. But she does. Why? Partially because telling her you went out with someone else hurt her ego a bit ("He should only like ME!! (Even though I also like somebody else)), and... NOT A STRONG INTEREST.

*If she wanted to be with you, she would let YOU be in control of things. But she's not. Why? I'll let you tell it...

Most importantly, though, a woman who wants you and doesn't want to risk losing you to someone else doesn't set out to confuse you. You entertaining this chick with excuses of "Oh, she's confused, she can't decide what to do" is your ego's way of not hurting itself because it doesn't want to think a girl doesn't desire you. But you're reading the WRONG signals - all those texts, calls, lunch dates, etc. don't mean anything if she (a) still has a bf, and (b) is making things complicated.

 

[LMFAO]

You guys didn't answer this though ... when spinning plates is it smart to tell a girl you are seeing other girls or it should be left unsaid and something she knows is possible in the back of her mind that you have other options.

It's usually better in my opinion to leave an air of mystery to it that she doesn't know you're seeing other girls but she suspects you do. Girls are curious creatures and she would always be looking to find out more, if she's half interested that is.

I think she's just wasting your time and leading you on while getting fvcked by her boyfriend. If you're curious about it then confront her next time she brings a possible date into it and tell her you don't go out with flakes and see how she responds. Always act like a man.

 

[Nu Vision]

Mauser, BW and LMFAO ... thanks for the great advice. You guys opened my eyes about this situation.

Last question I have is this ... we have been texting and talking for months ... how do I slow down contact without it getting akward. If we didn't work together I could care less but we do and I have to see her almost daily so I want things to end in good terms.

I'm thinking I can tell her I won't be doing out with her anymore unless she us really done with the bf and we can then go out in a date.

She wants me to hang out with her all the time but as friebds. That's the feeling I get. This is so weird to me because I don't care or want to be hanging out with a chick as friends but I think I may be the only male friend she has and looks for my companion that way.

Or I could tell her I got serious with another girl and won't be hanging out in respect to my new gf.

Thoughts?

 

[Nu Vision]

Let me add that she said in a text what you are saying ... she said her ego is bruised because I chose another girl over her and we can't hang out no more. An hr later she was inviting me out for drinks. At times she's said we could double date lol ... then says she wants someone like me when she breaks up and moves out on her on .... yep ... stringing me along.

I'll spend my time looking for new girls and will stop wasting it on her.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

LMFAO's advice is solid. Furthermore, you have to remember that women typically communicate with each other via passive communication. Why? Because, by their nature, they're going to read a LOT more into what is going on and/or being said. It's the reason a woman can tell another woman "I'm fine" but the 2nd woman will instinctively know it means she's NOT fine. Men tend to be more literal - if I say I'm fine it means "I'm fine" - which is why they get confused when they say the same thing to a woman and wonder why she's trying to read more into what he said.

I say that to say: you don't have to explicitly tell a woman you're seeing other women - in fact, if you do, it can come across as being too harsh and/or bragging about it to her. You need to learn how to say things in vague terms at times so that way women will get an IDEA of what you MIGHT be hinting at (but not completely confessing to, thereby allowing her hamster wheel to spin about day after day). For example: if she calls you up and asks if you're free that night, all you'd have to say is "Ooh, can't, I've got plans already - let's do another night instead." By saying you have plans without explicitly saying what they are, a woman will read that you didn't mention specifics because you didn't want her to know what you were doing. That can lead to her having hundreds of thoughts about what you MIGHT be doing, and who you MIGHT be doing those thing with. But, because it's passive and you didn't give specifics, you'll always have that air of deniable plausibility should you decide to exercise it. Her own brain will tell her "he's probably seeing someone else" without you have to do the work of saying it, so don't ever worry about telling women anything about you seeing anyone else - it's not necessary for you to do that in order for them to think it

 

[Nu Vision]

Harry Wilmington,

What you are saying makes total sense.

This chick is a bit crazy I think. I told her I couldn't because I had plans already and she kept insisting saying stuff like "come on ... I know you don't have anything to do" ... "what plans can you have on a Thursday night?"

She thinks I have no life except my son who I'm with half the time. She kept pressing and that's when I told her I was going to go out with a girl that night. It felt kind of good letting her know that another girl desires me.

 

[Nu Vision]

Mauser,

Yep, you right. I now realize that I have done this already. Like I have at times gotten turned off by her behavior and have gone cold not answering her texts in a long time sometimes a day (she then calls me and leaves me msgs asking if I'm ok or if she should stop texting me, or asking if I'm avoiding her). I'll just keep at it and tell her I've been busy or have family issues. Like you said, she will eventually grow tired of texting me when she doesn't get a quick response.

 

[Firestar786]

I personally think this girl is a lost cause.

I think you lost it when you started giving her ideas you like her, - that show of weakness led to her effectively using you for time, going out as a second backup option.

Id also treat her the same as a second option, treat her the way she treats you. She'll either change or drop off the scene lol.

 

[Nu Vision]

Firestar,

I think so too. I should have kept her guessing and let my actions speak.

One more question ... how would you guys handle this. I'm getting divorced (waiting for court to finalize things) and renting second floor apt at my mother's. It's embarassing for me but I have decided to stick it out so I can pay all my debt and start fresh when I move to my own place. When I go out and meet girls I'm hesitant to invite them to come home with me because of this.

When dating someone how soon should I disclose this info? I'm thinking I can be honest and open about it and just say that after the divorce, because of financial reasons and getting out of debt I decided to rent upstairs for less money than what an apt cost. But that my plan is to move out by end of year.

Thoughts?

 

[El Payaso]

An interested woman will not confuse you. An interested woman will pull out all the necessary stops to go on dates with you and lock you down. She merely wants you as an emotional tissue paper while she gets f*cked and cummed on by her boyfriend.

Don't be an emotional tissue paper.

 

[Nu Vision]

I won't Payaso. I'm not wasting anymore time with her.

 

[Spp27]

I have made the same mistake being too nice and showing too much interest. It part of learning about woman. Let it go and move on. At least you have another girl showing interest. Wish I did. Still searching. Your doing better than me. Good luck. What I learned from my similar experience is don't be nice but don't be an a$$. There's a balance. I figure if you don't learn from the what happened it's a total loss. I learned from mine and won't happen again.

 

[Nu Vision]

Spp27,

It's about learning the lessons and not making the same mistakes. When I showed disinterest her interest level went up. This stuff we read about really works. In the end she is really not interested. I'm ok with that and will move in. The other girl I met at Barnes and Nobles. She's a nice girl. Not as attractive as my coworker but I like that she doesn't play stupid games. The story of my life is that I like those who are not really interested in me and don't pursue those that are.

Keep your head up man and the good thing is we are here now soaking all in and on the road to being better with women.

 

[Spp27]

Yeah I won't make the same mistake again that's for shure. When I find a time macine I go back and punch myself out for being so nice. For me it just sucks really bad for wasting a opertunity. For me there are not many. I'm working on it and Gona get out there and try harder. Hope we both do better I'm hoping sooner than later.

 

[Bokanovsky]

This chick has me confused. She texts and invites me out which shows she is interested but she wants things done on her terms. For example, she wanted to hang out Thursday night. I couldn't do it that night and offered another day. She said she couldn't.

There is nothing to be confused by. She wants you as her sexless orbiter, not as a boyfriend. It's clear as day from your post. Remember: a woman who is genuinely interested will not play games or confuse you.