Qualifications for marriage?

[GolfGuru]

So your dating a woman.. 6 months, 2 years, 4 years, or 10 years!!

What are some guidelines to know when a woman is marriage material?

I know its all speculation, well atleast most of it is, but I'm curious to see what you guys think.

In the end what really qualifies a woman to be your wife? (Assuming you want one)

Another approach, What DISqualifies a woman for marriage?

 

[bigjohnson]

Dating her longer won't make her a better woman. If she's marriage material then she's marriage material but most western women will never make decent wives no matter how long you date them. They've wasted their youth learning to be little penis-less men and don't have the mindset or skillset to be a good wife.

 

[Zonder]

If you're settling down you'll know it. If you're making a big compromise with your values you will probably make a mistake by marrying. If you feel you aren't giving up on anything important and you aren't settling down you might CONSIDER marrying.

 

[speed dawg]

1) Shares the same core values as me (religion, politics, etc.)
2) Similar views as me (This covers a lot of things, too many to name, and the only way to find out is to get to know the person)
3) Can put up with dumbassedness on occasion
4) I am attracted to her
5) I can trust her completely

And the biggest:

6) I know that I am ready for marriage, ie I control the frame, my wife respects me, I am mature enough to handle problems, etc.

Alot of qualifiers, in other words. You only do it once. Or at least I am.

 

[squirrels]

So your dating a woman.. 6 months, 2 years, 4 years, or 10 years!!

What are some guidelines to know when a woman is marriage material?

I know its all speculation, well atleast most of it is, but I'm curious to see what you guys think.

In the end what really qualifies a woman to be your wife? (Assuming you want one)

Another approach, What DISqualifies a woman for marriage?

1) Can I trust her?
2) Do we have things in common we can enjoy together?
2) Is she the kind of person that I can stand living with day-in, day-out?
3) Does she get along well with my family?
4) If I decide to have kids, would I want her as their mother?


An honest YES to all 5 = marriage material.

NO to any = no marriage. Girlfriend, FB, FWB maybe. Not a wife.

Notice that none of these questions has the word LOVE in it anywhere. :woo:

If she meets all 5 of those, how could you NOT like her?

Like a close friend advised me once...love comes and love goes. If you're going to get married, marry someone you LIKE.

 

[Rounder]

Few thoughts -

Would you trust her with your life? to make critical decisions about your life if you weren't able to?

Does she accept you exactly as you are? Do you accept her exactly as she is? Don't marry thinking you're going to change something about someone - it isn't going to happen.

How do you match up socially? Are you an extrovert and she's an introvert? vice versa? Do you worry about what might come out of her mouth while you're around friends/colleagues/family?

Career/children - how do you/she feel about this topic?

Money - does she take care of her finances? do both of you agree on how money should be spent/saved/invested, etc?

Family background - how does she get along with her family - how does she interact with them? were her parents a good role model for her? were other relationships in her life good role models?

Siblings - how are her relationships with them? how does she treat them?

Sexuality - do you match? do you agree on what sex should be? do you talk about sex? is she comfortable with herself? do you find her attractive?

Motivation - what drives her? what does she want from life? what do you want from life?

Does she stimulate/challenge you? are those things you want? does she inspire you? is she worthy of your best effort every day??

Intelligence?

Communication? how does she deal with problems? between the 2 of you? between herself and others? how does she react in stressful situations? fly off the handle? stay composed? does she have control of her emotions? do you?

Respect - does she give it to you? freely?

Relationships in general - does she WANT to be with you? or does she *crave* and *require* a relationship to feel normal?

Health - is she generally healthy or does she go to the doctor every 2 weeks for who knows what this time?

Childhood - what childhood struggles did she have? often times as adults we unknowingly seek out relationships that mimic poor relationships we had as children and through our adult relationships we try to fix those childhood problems.

About all I can think of at the moment - take an objective point of view, ignore how long you've been together, look at her for the person she is and has been over the course of the relationship. Remove your heart from the situation.

 

[GolfGuru]

Few thoughts -

Would you trust her with your life? to make critical decisions about your life if you weren't able to?

Does she accept you exactly as you are? Do you accept her exactly as she is? Don't marry thinking you're going to change something about someone - it isn't going to happen.

How do you match up socially? Are you an extrovert and she's an introvert? vice versa? Do you worry about what might come out of her mouth while you're around friends/colleagues/family?

Career/children - how do you/she feel about this topic?

Money - does she take care of her finances? do both of you agree on how money should be spent/saved/invested, etc?

Family background - how does she get along with her family - how does she interact with them? were her parents a good role model for her? were other relationships in her life good role models?

Siblings - how are her relationships with them? how does she treat them?

Sexuality - do you match? do you agree on what sex should be? do you talk about sex? is she comfortable with herself? do you find her attractive?

Motivation - what drives her? what does she want from life? what do you want from life?

Does she stimulate/challenge you? are those things you want? does she inspire you? is she worthy of your best effort every day??

Intelligence?

Communication? how does she deal with problems? between the 2 of you? between herself and others? how does she react in stressful situations? fly off the handle? stay composed? does she have control of her emotions? do you?

Respect - does she give it to you? freely?

Relationships in general - does she WANT to be with you? or does she *crave* and *require* a relationship to feel normal?

Health - is she generally healthy or does she go to the doctor every 2 weeks for who knows what this time?

Childhood - what childhood struggles did she have? often times as adults we unknowingly seek out relationships that mimic poor relationships we had as children and through our adult relationships we try to fix those childhood problems.

About all I can think of at the moment - take an objective point of view, ignore how long you've been together, look at her for the person she is and has been over the course of the relationship. Remove your heart from the situation.

Thanks for your thoughts. It will take me some time to think thru these.

 

[Sinistar]

4) I am attracted to her

...this one is very important and some would argue it should be at the top of the list - followed very closely by the others mentioned. She could be the most trustworthy, genuine woman out there but if you are not strongly attracted to her (ie desire) there are going to be problems down the road.

 

[Duffdog]

I once heard someone say:

Take the most annoying thing that she does which bothers you and multiply it by 1000 times. That annoying think where she emails and txts you just to see what your doing...imagine 1000 of those per day. She won't throw away anything? Imagine 1000 times more junk piled everywhere around you. Can you still live with this person? If the answer is no, then it's not going to work and you will get divorced just like 80% of the marriages in the US do.

I think the most important thing is to actually like the person if you are going to get married. If you don't actually like her when all the beauty is removed, why would you consider chaining yourself to her for life?

 

[Rounder]

Thanks for your thoughts. It will take me some time to think thru these.

I'm no expert but I know the mistakes I've made and I know the things I've looked past and said "oh that will be ok" and it wasn't.

Be honest with yourself about her. Don't feel like you owe her the benefit of the doubt just because you've been with her X number of years/months. You aren't married to her and you don't have to be if you don't want to. Marry her if you WANT to and she will satisfy your thirst for life everyday you are together. Make sure you are willing to be that for her as well - YOU have to put in the effort too!

Don't marry her out of fear of not finding happiness elsewhere. Breaking up with someone is a LOT easier than getting divorced.

 

[betterthandead]

you typically know if someone is marriage material in the first couple of dates. you must also know what purpose it will serve to being married.

 

[Colossus]

Is there sustained evidence of her RESPECTING you, your life, your values, friends, and hobbies? If she doesnt pass this test there is something fundamentally wrong.

Secondly, as squirrels pointed out, passionate love comes and goes. Ask anyone who has been married for some time. What you really have to ask yourself is she someone you can (or want to, rather) live with day in and day out, even when the intensity fades? In other words, is she someone you genuinely LIKE?

I disagree with Unprez. Attraction is non-negotiable. If she isnt magnetic to you in some way from the word go, things are going to be a lot tougher down the road.

 

[Sinistar]

clearly this quote belongs in the highschool threads... are you sure ur an adult? Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows u become sort of numb towards thier looks, what keeps the relationship going is not there looks, its there behaviour

That being said In my opinion the most important factor that I look at is does she listen to me, if she doesn't listen to you it means shes not attracted,doesn't respect you,....just doesn't care...... especially after marriage when your both stuck together

...ahh let's make a deal. I'll go find 100 women (all bvtt ugly) with all the other attributes you're talking up and then I'll let you pick any one of them for a LTR - should be no problem for you right

Some would probably call me vain, but I probably wouldn't have given my wife a second look had she not been so hot (desirable) in the first place! The fact she's great with money, educated and comes from great family are the frosting on the cake. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I'm surprised Rollo didn't chime in on this one yet.

 

[jophil28]

Is there sustained evidence of her RESPECTING you, your life, your values, friends, and hobbies? If she doesnt pass this test there is something fundamentally wrong.

THat is the one !

 

[Bible_Belt]

If she got nothing tangible out of being with you, would she still be there? If you had no money, no assets, and no income, would you still be attractive to her?

 

[bigjohnson]

If she got nothing tangible out of being with you, would she still be there? If you had no money, no assets, and no income, would you still be attractive to her?

LOL.

That friends is the voice of a man who wants to never be married.

 

[hopeful loner]

LOL.

That friends is the voice of a man who wants to never be married.

:yes:

Where men are attracted by a woman's physical attributes (among other things) a woman is attracted by a man's social standing, which in modern society translates to earning power (among other things).

 

[Heretolearn]

If she got nothing tangible out of being with you, would she still be there? If you had no money, no assets, and no income, would you still be attractive to her?

Good post, as much as I understand the other views. WE ALL FALL DOWN IN LIFE. Even the richest people in the world have been broke/lost their fortunes at some point.

You want someone to support you through the GOOD and the BAD.
Of course, no one is asking a girl to accept mediocrity permanently

 

[Nutz]

clearly this quote belongs in the highschool threads... are you sure ur an adult? Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows u become sort of numb towards thier looks, what keeps the relationship going is not there looks, its there behaviour

That being said In my opinion the most important factor that I look at is does she listen to me, if she doesn't listen to you it means shes not attracted,doesn't respect you,....just doesn't care...... especially after marriage when your both stuck together

Umm.... no. If your wife gains 100lbs of course you'll be numb to her looks. You'll be locked into a sexless/lustless relationship with a land-whale, and nobody wants that unless they're a chubby chaser.

Basic physical attraction is a must or you'll end up like all the other guys out there than dip outside the marriage for something young and sexy because the wife just doesn't do it for them anymore.

 

[GolfGuru]

Umm.... no. If your wife gains 100lbs of course you'll be numb to her looks. You'll be locked into a sexless/lustless relationship with a land-whale, and nobody wants that unless they're a chubby chaser.

Basic physical attraction is a must or you'll end up like all the other guys out there than dip outside the marriage for something young and sexy because the wife just doesn't do it for them anymore.

Glad the thread is still going strong. I've been in a LTR where the attraction between me and her went down hill - causing me to end the relationship.

However, I think physical attraction comes a dime a dozen. I think it's much easier to qualify a woman for her looks rather than qualify her for integrity.