Put Yourself Out There

[The Duke]

I see a common theme to many posters that come here seeking advice. Most of you lack social skills and fear rejection. You don't know how to properly interact with others in a public setting. So how do you develop skills you don't have and push past fears that keep you from engaging others? YOU PRACTICE! And you can practice anywhere and everywhere. Your goal should be to have successful interactions with anyone, not to get some girls number.

Many years ago I was in a similar boat. I was recently divorced and didn't really enjoy talking to random strangers in public. I was't oblivious, but I had very little experience with women. I quickly realized that if I wanted to get girls I needed to change my mindset and improve my skills. So thats what I did. I pushed myself to engage all types of people wherever I went.

I practiced flirting with old ladies at the check out stand. I made many trips to the fragrance counter at Dillards just to interact with those girls as they were usually attractive. I'd strike up conversations with the guy at the deli counter and before I knew it I had a new friend.

I became a regular at a bar and got in with that social group and started playing volleyball and going to pool parties.

I spent a lot of time in strip clubs, my goal was to see how long I could keep a conversation going without paying any money. I made friends with the bouncers, front desk girl, dj, bathroom attendant and bartenders. Once the girls got to know me, they would always greet me and stop by for some conversation. I always felt really comfortable inside of a strip club so it made it easier to talk to the girls. Strippers tend to me more open and forthcoming than girls you might talk to at a regular bar. I could practice my conversation skills on 10 girls a night and not even get out of my chair. After a while I learned what made women tick, and what topics were most engaging. I ended up dating several strippers once I figured out the recipe.

One night a friend and I approached 10 girls in a bar district. We would walk right up to them and tell them they were hot and ask them if they wanted to make out. Some got pissed, some laughed, but there were a few that were willing. One of them my friend got her phone # and I ended up going out with her. That night we learned that approaching girls was no big deal, rejection was part of it, it was actually a lot of fun. Most of the time you will get shot down but thats with anything in life.

 

[Chow Mein]

An open body language will open many doors. Ever notice when someone walks into a room and intrigues everyone? It’s the pleasant aura they give off during the initial impression.

Similarly, ever notice someone that has a closed body language and no one seems to want to talk to them unless they have to?

The open body language takes years to practice and develop as Duke mentioned. Start by making small talk while waiting in line, don’t overthink it, just do it.

 

[Ricky]

Great advice. Be social with everyone

 

[SW15]

The 2 most recent generations (Gen Y/Millennials & Gen Z) will struggle with this concept. These last 2 generations have been immersed in technology and are not as functional in the real world as predecessor generations.

Millennials and Gen Z have never been known for their in-person social skills, especially the middle class + who can afford more technology.

 

[pipeman84]

I practiced flirting with old ladies at the check out stand.

IMO, flirting with old ladies at checkout - first I heard that suggestion from Corey Wayne - is ridiculous & useless and probably creepy & cringey as well. We're all grown up people here who've gone to school, high school, maybe college, work environment, various activities etc in other words interacted with enough girls/women in the course of daily life.

In this context, how the heck is flirting with a 70yrs old lady in the checkout line do anything in the way of removing fear of interacting with a hot 25yrs old wearing yoga pants? Makes no logical sense, any which way I look at it.

I made many trips to the fragrance counter at Dillards just to interact with those girls as they were usually attractive.

This makes more sense, being in the proximity of attractive girls in this way should ease the anxiety, particularly helpful for shy guys.

 

[SW15]

flirting with old ladies at checkout - first I heard that suggestion from Corey Wayne - is ridiculous & useless and probably creepy & cringey as well.

In this context, how the heck is flirting with a 70yrs old lady in the checkout line do anything in the way of removing fear of interacting with a hot 25yrs old wearing yoga pants? Makes no logical sense, any which way I look at it.

I think the general idea to get repetitions flirting with everyone. It's supposed to build comfort. Flirting with anyone 50+ (post-menopausal) working a job where she has to face the general public isn't that useful in preparing to flirt with 18-29 year olds who aren't working when they are being approached.

I made many trips to the fragrance counter at Dillards just to interact with those girls as they were usually attractive.

This makes more sense, being in the proximity of attractive girls in this way should ease the anxiety, particularly helpful for shy guys.

It does make more sense. If you go to stores like Dillard's or Nordstrom at less busy hours, it's also more possible to engage these types of workers longer and even get a date out of it. I wouldn't recommend doing this during weekends or the November-December holiday shopping season though. As an example, a Wednesday afternoon in April is a good time to do it.

 

[Barrister]

IMO, flirting with old ladies at checkout - first I heard that suggestion from Corey Wayne - is ridiculous & useless and probably creepy & cringey as well. We're all grown up people here who've gone to school, high school, maybe college, work environment, various activities etc in other words interacted with enough girls/women in the course of daily life.

In this context, how the heck is flirting with a 70yrs old lady in the checkout line do anything in the way of removing fear of interacting with a hot 25yrs old wearing yoga pants? Makes no logical sense, any which way I look at it.


This makes more sense, being in the proximity of attractive girls in this way should ease the anxiety, particularly helpful for shy guys.

Practicing social skills can be done with anyone. Old ladies and even men. It doesn't mean it is exactly the same as approaching a hot 25 year old to get a number. That isn't Duke's point. His point is that a lot of men are flat out scared to interact socially period. These men, having zero social grace, get flustered when they don't get good return on their approaches or on their dates. The way to cure that is to become better socially calibrated. And anyone can serve as practice for that for a man to get better at simply interacting and carrying on an interaction longer than 60 seconds.

Simply being charming, able to flirt effectively, and carry on a conversation is a major part of being successful in dating. But you usually don't get from Point A to Point B without some work between.

 

[The Duke]

IMO, flirting with old ladies at checkout - first I heard that suggestion from Corey Wayne - is ridiculous & useless and probably creepy & cringey as well. We're all grown up people here who've gone to school, high school, maybe college, work environment, various activities etc in other words interacted with enough girls/women in the course of daily life.

In this context, how the heck is flirting with a 70yrs old lady in the checkout line do anything in the way of removing fear of interacting with a hot 25yrs old wearing yoga pants? Makes no logical sense, any which way I look at it.

This makes more sense, being in the proximity of attractive girls in this way should ease the anxiety, particularly helpful for shy guys.

Talking to old ladies is about practicing social skills and improving your interactions. The problem here is many of these guys have not interacted with girls/women or many random men. Or they've formulated fearful ideas that make it difficult. Thats why its not cringey as you claim. Old ladies are harmless and usually pretty friendly. Its a starting point. And whats wrong with making somebody feel good about themselves because you gave them a little flirty attention. my lord. I hope it makes their depends moist. ;-)

 

[BaronOfHair]

Many years ago I was in a similar boat

"Many years" ago being before social media had become a cultural behemoth, and men who desired different lives than those we had had to read books, attend seminars, listen to talks, find a skillful shrink who was willing to be brutally honest with his(or her)clients, etc etc. When you had to invest a few bucks in order to reach your destination, your incentive to take action had an odd way of skyrocketing

By contrast, whatever good intentions The Manosphere over on YouTube began with, it's net effects on men have been similar to those of Feminism on women, the likes of which were being skewered by Joan Didion, as early as '72 https://www.nytimes.com/1972/07/30/archives/the-womens-movement-women.html

Namely, conning a few million folks into believing that overthinking the piss out of every f-cking thing is an advanced way of existing

 

[pipeman84]

Talking to old ladies is about practicing social skills and improving your interactions. The problem here is many of these guys have not interacted with girls/women or many random men. Or they've formulated fearful ideas that make it difficult. Thats why its not cringey as you claim. Old ladies are harmless and usually pretty friendly. Its a starting point. And whats wrong with making somebody feel good about themselves because you gave them a little flirty attention. my lord. I hope it makes their depends moist. ;-)

The point I was trying to make: how did these guys reach adulthood and are functioning members of society if they need to practice social skills with old ladies standing in line at the grocery store? That's like saying grown men need to read books from the 1st and 2nd grade curriculum to practice reading comprehension skills required for understanding a business or a home loan contract.

 

[BaronOfHair]

The point I was trying to make: how did these guys reach adulthood and are functioning members of society if they need to practice social skills with old ladies standing in line at the grocery store? That's like saying grown men need to read books from the 1st and 2nd grade curriculum to practice reading comprehension skills required for understanding a business or a home loan contract.

Same reason, as you say, many adults DO have to sharpen their reading proficiency by consuming literature meant for 1st and 2nd graders https://www.npr.org/2008/10/20/95894652/toppling-adult-illiteracy So often in life, we focus myopically on one thing (Be it playing football or Dungeons And Dragons), we fail to develop vital areas of life

Here in The US, over four decades of treating STEM ed as the be all and end all of our lives has created a population of folks(particularly men) who can build computers from scratch, yet barely comprehend the menu at Denny's or chat with the check-out girl at CVS. Even though the latter increases your chances of the staff going the extra mile for you

 

[Manure Spherian]

I see a common theme to many posters that come here seeking advice. Most of you lack social skills and fear rejection. You don't know how to properly interact with others in a public setting. So how do you develop skills you don't have and push past fears that keep you from engaging others? YOU PRACTICE! And you can practice anywhere and everywhere. Your goal should be to have successful interactions with anyone, not to get some girls number.

Many years ago I was in a similar boat. I was recently divorced and didn't really enjoy talking to random strangers in public. I was't oblivious, but I had very little experience with women. I quickly realized that if I wanted to get girls I needed to change my mindset and improve my skills. So thats what I did. I pushed myself to engage all types of people wherever I went.

I practiced flirting with old ladies at the check out stand. I made many trips to the fragrance counter at Dillards just to interact with those girls as they were usually attractive. I'd strike up conversations with the guy at the deli counter and before I knew it I had a new friend.

I became a regular at a bar and got in with that social group and started playing volleyball and going to pool parties.

I spent a lot of time in strip clubs, my goal was to see how long I could keep a conversation going without paying any money. I made friends with the bouncers, front desk girl, dj, bathroom attendant and bartenders. Once the girls got to know me, they would always greet me and stop by for some conversation. I always felt really comfortable inside of a strip club so it made it easier to talk to the girls. Strippers tend to me more open and forthcoming than girls you might talk to at a regular bar. I could practice my conversation skills on 10 girls a night and not even get out of my chair. After a while I learned what made women tick, and what topics were most engaging. I ended up dating several strippers once I figured out the recipe.

One night a friend and I approached 10 girls in a bar district. We would walk right up to them and tell them they were hot and ask them if they wanted to make out. Some got pissed, some laughed, but there were a few that were willing. One of them my friend got her phone # and I ended up going out with her. That night we learned that approaching girls was no big deal, rejection was part of it, it was actually a lot of fun. Most of the time you will get shot down but thats with anything in life.

Yes! And after awhile women will strike up conversations with you!

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Unless you are a Covid hermit. You are ‘out there.’. Buying groceries. In line at the bank. Getting coffee. At work…

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Unless you are a Covid hermit. You are ‘out there.’. Buying groceries. In line at the bank. Getting coffee. At work…

I'm waiting for the follow up post "Just Be Yourself"

 

[Divorced w 3]

Talking to old ladies is about practicing social skills and improving your interactions. The problem here is many of these guys have not interacted with girls/women or many random men. Or they've formulated fearful ideas that make it difficult. Thats why its not cringey as you claim. Old ladies are harmless and usually pretty friendly. Its a starting point. And whats wrong with making somebody feel good about themselves because you gave them a little flirty attention. my lord. I hope it makes their depends moist. ;-)

Old ladies have heard it all. They’re great banter partners. One in the city the other day gave me my credit card that I forgot at the capital grille the evening prior and I asked her if there was any money left on it. She told me she went out and bought herself a pair of shoes. I told her it was fair trade for her troubles. Old women can be fantastic sources of counsel as well.

 

[SW15]

Unless you are a Covid hermit. You are ‘out there.’. Buying groceries. In line at the bank. Getting coffee. At work…

It is good that non-hermits get out into the world and have some interaction with the real world. However, basic human functions like the ones that you mention don't typically form a day-to-day routine that is optimized for sexually charged interactions with the opposite sex.

Tech-based forms of starting interactions have gotten popular in the last 20 years as more and more people realize that their day-to-day routines are not working well for them.

It takes a lot of effort to create a day-to-day routine that works well for finding first dates.

The workplace used to be a good place for finding romantic relationships. There was a brief period after the mid 1960s when women entered the work force until the mid 1990s when workplace romances developed in large numbers. Starting in the 1990s, Human Resource Departments starting cracking down on perceptions of sexual harrassment in workplaces. Men stopped trying to pursue women in the workplace out of fear of losing their jobs and going through the effort of finding a new job. The typical workplace became less sexually charged.

In the workplace, the best one can do now is get introductions to friends of female co-workers who work elsewhere. Or, a man can approach women who work in other companies in the same office building if he's fortunate enough to work in a large office building.

It takes effort at the grocery store to get first dates. The same can be said about coffee shops for the most part. Almost any indoor retail venue can be a place where an approach can happen but it will usually happen with effort and planning on the man's part.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

It is good that non-hermits get out into the world and have some interaction with the real world. However, basic human functions like the ones that you mention don't typically form a day-to-day routine that is optimized for sexually charged interactions with the opposite sex.

Tech-based forms of starting interactions have gotten popular in the last 20 years as more and more people realize that their day-to-day routines are not working well for them.

It takes a lot of effort to create a day-to-day routine that works well for finding first dates.

The workplace used to be a good place for finding romantic relationships. There was a brief period after the mid 1960s when women entered the work force until the mid 1990s when workplace romances developed in large numbers. Starting in the 1990s, Human Resource Departments starting cracking down on perceptions of sexual harrassment in workplaces. Men stopped trying to pursue women in the workplace out of fear of losing their jobs and going through the effort of finding a new job. The typical workplace became less sexually charged.

In the workplace, the best one can do now is get introductions to friends of female co-workers who work elsewhere. Or, a man can approach women who work in other companies in the same office building if he's fortunate enough to work in a large office building.

It takes effort at the grocery store to get first dates. The same can be said about coffee shops for the most part. Almost any indoor retail venue can be a place where an approach can happen but it will usually happen with effort and planning on the man's part.

Just be open to situations that happen and be able to act or react as appropriate.

 

[CornbreadFed]

It is good that non-hermits get out into the world and have some interaction with the real world. However, basic human functions like the ones that you mention don't typically form a day-to-day routine that is optimized for sexually charged interactions with the opposite sex.

Most people are just not going to be opened to approached unless they are in an environment where it is appropriate. I wear airpods in public to avoid people trying to interact with me for no reason.

The workplace used to be a good place for finding romantic relationships. There was a brief period after the mid 1960s when women entered the work force until the mid 1990s when workplace romances developed in large numbers. Starting in the 1990s, Human Resource Departments starting cracking down on perceptions of sexual harrassment in workplaces. Men stopped trying to pursue women in the workplace out of fear of losing their jobs and going through the effort of finding a new job. The typical workplace became less sexually charged.

It still happens, but the common man is just left out of it now. Women are still chasing after the work chads and boss brads that offer opportunities to move up the ladder for a cost. Women have other avenues to find men now, so work relationships are only reserved for Chads and promotions.

In the workplace, the best one can do now is get introductions to friends of female co-workers who work elsewhere. Or, a man can approach women who work in other companies in the same office building if he's fortunate enough to work in a large office building.

This is even risky. In corporate America, women have to do 100% of the chasing & effort because they will deep fry any guy alive for sexual misconduct. I've seen it happen to normal guys, Chads, executives, and etc.

 

[GoodMan32]

An open body language will open many doors. Ever notice when someone walks into a room and intrigues everyone? It’s the pleasant aura they give off during the initial impression.

Similarly, ever notice someone that has a closed body language and no one seems to want to talk to them unless they have to?

The open body language takes years to practice and develop as Duke mentioned. Start by making small talk while waiting in line, don’t overthink it, just do it.

Yikes. As a result of my ASD, I have closed body language.