(probably final) Update on LTR

[Master of the Universe]

Good day my fellow DJs... okay, maybe it's not such a good day, but any day you're alive has got to be good.

At any rate, I thought I would post an update to the situation with my girlfriend. If you read my post from two or three weeks ago, I had mentioned that I had told her we need to take a couple of weeks away from each other.
http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=43367

The reason for my request to take time apart was because I wasn't liking the person who I had become in the relationship. I was almost obsessive about her, I was becoming jealous, controlling, and behaving in ways which were not me.

So two weeks later (last Tuesday) I called her up. The conversation was pretty awkward, with many silences. I think both of us were waiting for the other to say what on their mind, but no one could initiate the talk. I joked with her and we laughed for a while, and then we got off the phone.

An hour later I called her back and told her "screw this, I didn't call you just to say hi" and I told her how I felt those past two weeks, the pain and sadness. She felt the same way and we talked for a couple of hours and both of us said things to each other that we probably should have said while in the relationship. I understood things more from her perspective, and she understood things from my perspective.

The interesting thing was that she never felt that I was being jealous, controlling, or any of the other things that I felt I was becoming. She just assumed that I wanted to be more involved in her life, and she was happy with that. She said we had some wonderful times, and she thought everything was fine, and that when I told her we should take two weeks apart it took her completely out of nowhere, and she was hurt.

I was leaving the day after for a snowboarding trip with some friends, and we decided to get together when I got back from the trip, and so I picked her up yesterday evening.

Within a few minutes of picking her up, my gut was telling me that something was different. Of course I just wrote it off to the fact that we hadn't seen each other and basically were broken up for three weeks.

We went to a couple of bars and we kissed and made out, but I felt like she was holding herself back. I figured that she was afraid of getting hurt, or that she was upset with me. And I really couldn't blame her if that was the case.

Still, something just didn't feel right. As the evening progressed, the feeling became more intense. Finally I went to the restroom and called my sister because I had to talk to someone. My sister told me that it's over, and it's better for me to call it quits with my gf.

Twenty minutes later we left and when we got in the car I asked her what's going on. She told me that everything is fine, but I knew they weren't and I pressed on.

Eventually she told me that the feelings she had for me have died away.

I asked her when this happened, and she replied when I told her that we should take time apart from each other. She said that up to that point everytime we went out her feelings for me had increased but after a few days during our time-off the feelings died. She's not sure if she consciously or unconsciously killed the feelings, and perhaps because she didn't want to get hurt again.

From there I asked her which feelings have died, that of attraction, passion, or love. She replied that it was love. I asked her why if she didn't have feelings for me, she accepted my invitation to come with me. Her reply was because of the memories we shared, and that I was still someone special to her, but that the feelings were just different now.

I asked her what she wanted to do now. She replied that she wants me in her life, but that she doesn't feel that the relationship can work out.

By then we were by her home. As she was leaving I asked her if she wanted a hug or a kiss. She didn't have a reply, so I told her to come here and we kissed passionately. I asked her if there was no feeling in the kiss she gave me. She said that there was, but it was different.

Most of the time we were having this conversation tears were coming down my cheeks. I didn't try to hide them; there was no point.

Anyway, fast forward to today. I am sad... very, very, sad. I've been crying on and off the whole day. Part of me wishes that the relationship was truly over, and that there was no hope, so that I can move on and kill the feelings for her.

But I know there's no such thing as a 100% Next. While we preach to the new guys that once the pool has been pissed in, then that's it, experience has told me otherwise. I know I can get her, but I wish I actually believed that I can't.

Makes you wonder - is there any difference between this mentality and that of the AFC? Of course the method is different... an AFC would call her everyday, send her flowers, poetry, tell her he can't live without her, smother her, etc. until whatever feeling was left in her gets completely extinguished.

The truth is that her breaking up with me can actually work in my favor. I don't care what she SAYS, I know that she still has feelings for me. She can try to force the feeling to die, she can pretend she's lost the feeling, but you can tell a lot by a kiss.

So how would I play this out if I wanted to get her back? I'd probably take her out to a club, and use her as a pawn while I sarged every girl there. She's never seen me sarge or work a room, and jealousy is one of the most powerful emotions... very little can reignite feelings like it. Or I can invite her to come over, and set it up where another girl comes over and get the girl to make out with me. I can probably think of a half dozen strategies which would work.

There's only one problem though... In order for me to successfully pull this off, I would have to actually kill my feelings for her. And this begs the question to be asked: What's worse, losing someone you love, or getting her but losing the love for her? I still don't know the answer.

Shyt guys, I am so sad right now. EVERYTHING reminds me of her... hell, even the new Lord of the Rings movie.

Maybe right now I'm just full of self-pity, and if that's the case I apology for this post. But fvck, all I ever wanted was ONE girl that I had an intimate and emotional relationship with. I never wanted to sleep with a 100 girls... just one that made me happy. Why can I only find intimate (sex) or emotional, is it too much to ask for both?

What's really funny is that things played out 100% like my sister said they would. She even said word for work what my gf ended up saying.

I don't know what to do guys... I'm just sad and hurt. And add to this mixture a little bit of hope, and you get a God-aweful feeling.

Thanks for reading this far,

MotU

P.S. The Get Laid Boot Camp will be up and running shortly. I just need a little bit of time to get myself together again.

P.P.S. I still don't know where or how I lost myself. On the snowboarding trip I was the quietest of all the guys in the group. If you've ever read any of my field reports, then you know that I'm usually the most outgoing of any group. I'm listening to the song "Missing Person" by Michael W Smith and the lyrics are really striking home: "There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void, and I've been searching for that missing person." I hope I find me soon.

 

[DEKKA]

bruh i really feel hard for ya cuz this has happened to me more than once. when you called your sister from the bathroom she understood exactly what was happening and she was right. it was going to be over.

with the exception of a few minor details this exact same situation is what i found myself in about a two months ago. it sucks big time.

let me tell you this though. the best possible thing for it is to just let it go. dont talk to her or see her for months. she'll start to remember all the good times you guys had and start to re-idealize you but its a slow thing. sometimes it can never work out again.

the last girl that this happened to me with i didn't even speak to for 2 months. the other day she came up to me and started a conversation and the whole time she was looking into my eyes like she would eat me alive. she looked at me the same way she used to look at me when we were a thing. i just acted normal and upbeat. im leaving the state for 2 months and maybe when i get back ill do something about her or maybe ill just move on.

probably the biggest thing to be learned by this situation is that, when you sense an awkwardness you MUST aknoledge it and act if you want to have a chance. if you ever sense impending doom in a relationship don't ever trick yourself into believing theres a chance at the moment because it's about to be over. you have to take the high road and take it as soon as you sense something isn't right. if you get out when your gut says somethings not going right then you have a chance of getting back together after a few months/years.

 

[drake]

I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I am looking forward to the responses for the DJ's. I think they will range from, Forget about the ex because Dj's are suppose to ignore/move on from them.....to; if you love her man go after her. Although I dont really see the 2nd one being the common response.

What I have seen on this sight is that some guys are so quick to give up on a girl....because the common response is "there are a million of them out there/NEXT". This is true but once you put so much time and effort into a relationship and there is obviously some spark/hope still there...how the hell can you just move on and start from scratch? 75% of the couples I have talked to broke up and eventually got married. How do you argure with that fact? I recently lost a girl because I played a little too hard to get after 7 months. But I know that me and her are very similar creatures and that we had way more potential then I let us have. I would say to you: Why would you not want to get her back?? You said she made you a person that you did not like. So be it, but if you can be the person you like and still keep her around...Whats not worth fighting for. I will go on 5 dates and maybe, maybe have a spark with one! When you get that far into an LTR you know that person has something that is hard for you to find!!
I hate leftover question marks with girls, especially because of my own doing. I say get the "what if's" out of your head and found out!!
Call me AFC.........but LTR girls ARE NOT a dime a dozen. That is a fact!!
Now how to get her back and still remain in control and not be her doormate is beyond me. I don't know how, now have ever done it.
Drake

 

[Eddy]

I'm really sorry MOTU. Like a lot of guys, I've been through this same thing. I know how bad it hurts. I know how you feel right now, because I went through this a few months ago. She's still on my mind. The other night I nearly cried at a bar when the band played, "here without you", by 3 doors down.

Good thing you have a sister to give you such great insight. I agree with Drake. You have something special in an LTR. You can't just say NEXT, and forget it all.

It's really tough. It's hard to move on when you've really felt it with somebody. You feel like it will never happen again. Maybe that's why it's so painful to let go.

My best wishes go out to you bro. Looking forward to that "getting laid boot camp." All of us can go through it together and maybe it will help a lot of us get to where we want to be.

 

[jwhite17]

MOTU,
Sorry to hear about your Ex-GF; my Ex-GF just broke up with me recently too(like two weeks ago), and I felt like crap for like a whole week(I posted about it last week). The pain is so hard because it just happened recently, but, over time, the pain will get less and less with each passing day.

Your situation is different than mine, but I know how you are feeling: you have no desire for other chicks, you want her back, you plot out ways to get her back, you think about her all the time(even while you are working or doing anything), you think things could have been different, and you express the wide range of negative emotions and feelings like angry, sad, depressed, desperate, lonliness, etc.

MOTU said,
"The interesting thing was that she never felt that I was being jealous, controlling, or any of the other things that I felt I was becoming. She just assumed that I wanted to be more involved in her life"

- I curious, when you said that you wanted to take a break with her, did you tell her this or did you tell her something completely different hiding your true motives?

"I asked her when this happened, and she replied when I told her that we should take time apart from each other. She said that up to that point everytime we went out her feelings for me had increased but after a few days during our time-off the feelings died. She's not sure if she consciously or unconsciously killed the feelings, and perhaps because she didn't want to get hurt again."

- That's possible, but maybe you changed her entire world on how she FEELS about you after you told her you want to take a break. She thought everything was going great I bet and then you shoot her up with the "taking a break" line.

- She probably thought and thought about the relationship with you and questioned whether she made the right decisions to express her love toward you because you didn't seem to receive it or know about it after announcing that you want a break.

- She might never be able to think of you as the same as before you took a break with her because she could be scared you might do it again, and as you have said "she doesn't want to get hurt". She is trying to protect her own heart from this happening again, so she won't be able to feel the same way about you ever again possibly.

"The truth is that her breaking up with me can actually work in my favor. I don't care what she SAYS, I know that she still has feelings for me. She can try to force the feeling to die, she can pretend she's lost the feeling, but you can tell a lot by a kiss."

- Maybe she does and maybe she doesn't. Only she knows for sure. She could have just kissed you because she wanted to see if there was anything left. Anyways, who knows? I wasn't there and I am not you, so you should trust you gut and make the call that you feel is right.

"I asked her what she wanted to do now. She replied that she wants me in her life, but that she doesn't feel that the relationship can work out."

- Holy CRAP!!! My Ex-GF said that EXACT same thing! She is saying that because she is really confused, and doesn't know what she wants or where to go from her, but I suggest you give her some time to think about it, and in that time, you should do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself happy, then ring her up one day with new energy and a zest for life, and she will see the previous GREAT and AWESOME MOTU that she fell in love with before the break(thanks E-Z Rider) and the attraction could start all over again.

- Also, that jealousy operation you plan on pulling might work if she is a type of person that can easily get jealous. I dunno, do whatever you feel is right because all of my advice is coming from the information from your post. YOU have the best knowledge of her and the situation, and it is YOU that will have to make the call!

PS..I want to thank you for posting the boot camp because you are one of the posters here who got me to break out of my shell and start doing cold approaches.

Good luck MOTU and keep us posted,
JW

 

[jbbrain]

MOTU,

I'm compassionate towards your situation but you must have consciously known that by initiating a "break", there could have been a chance she would never be yours again.

It was a choice you felt you had to make, but not many choices come without serious and sometimes heart wrenching ramifiations nowadays.

I know the reality of the whole mess is having a hard time setting in, but you MUST come to grips with yourself AND your loss..because she may very well be gone forever (by the way it sounds to me) but the question is..

Will you wither away with her?

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by jbbrain
I'm compassionate towards your situation but you must have consciously known that by initiating a "break", there could have been a chance she would never be yours again.

this is what i would like to pound into your head. just because you are Master Of The Universe, does not mean you are the master of the universe. you played with this chics feelings, for a reason that may not have been worth it. my head is groogy now from medicine, but if you don't get what i said already, then i'll elaborate later.

 

[white_hype]

ill just saw a few words of encouragement to try and get you back on your feet since everyone is trying to point out cause/effect.

-realise that if in 2 weeks she loses the "love" she had for you is gone then the relationship couldnt have been as great as you thought it was, learn from this and realise she isnt worth your time and effort and has been lucky to be with you NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND... there are girls that would KILL to get the chance to simply know you for 1 day

-there are 3 billion girls out there who are dying to meet you and if you take the time to LET THEM get to know you, you will see that things arent so bad... maybe even that some of these girls are better (for you) than your ex

-take this as a learning experience (the good things in life wouldnt be so good if there wasnt any pain, and be thankful you could expereince something so great... realise you once had a great thing and it will be even greater with the next person you meet... if not try again, IT WILL HAPPEN if you want it to)

-you two werent meant to be, there is someone out there for you, find them

-dont beat yourself up over it, youre a young guy, guys make dumbass mistakes, but oh well thats life, move on bro, millions of people have done the same and are now better for it

-its not your fault, she was involved with you and has an equal responsibilty to make things work, its a 2 way street

anyways, hope this helps, good luck bro... after you sulk (i know, it sometimes can take a while) when in doubt realise the man you are is far greater than the man you ever thought you could be

 

[CLOONEY]

MOTU, I swear you are just reliving my life over. Everything that is happening to you has happened to me. One of my X girlfriends and I had the best relationship but I felt I was loosing myself in that relationship too, seems to be the main theme for my relationships, I also feel controlling and jealous.

I am the same all I ever wanted was a girl, just ONE great LTR, but I never find it. I can find THOUSANDS of beautiful girls to have sex with, that is easy, but it is just so hard to find something more, something to make you feel complete.

This same thing happened after our break, she stopped saying "I love you" or any of that, slowly she drifted away. She said the same thing and just like you I KNEW I could get her back. The thing is she is subconciously crushing her feelings for you so she wont be hurt again. Makeing her Jealous will not work, it might raise her interest in the short term, but after a while it will just create more problems.

It feels like your arms are tied behind your back and your relationship is sliding away right infront of your eyes, but you just cant do anything about it, doesnt it?

When I have been in this situation, I have found that is it, that is all you can do, it is upto her to figure things out in her mind. Her "love" has not gone, it is just her trying to protect her heart.

Sorry mate, I dont really have advice of wether you should just break things up and run, or what. Only thing I can tell you from my experience is I stayed friends with the girl. It probably makes it harder, but eventually you feel less and less emotional. Also this way you can just get on with your life and maybe one day you two will get back together. Other than this all I can say is you probably wont find another girl like her for years, you may find many who like you and are beautiful, but good chemistry like this is hard to find. One day, maybe a long time away you will find a girl with whom you could have a great relationship with, just make sure you realise when you meet this girl and TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY. Unlike me.............I found a great one but couldnt let myself be hurt again so I let her go..................

Take it easy mate, I truly do feel your pain

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by white_hype

-realise that if in 2 weeks she loses the "love" she had for you is gone then the relationship couldnt have been as great as you thought it was, learn from this and realise she isnt worth your time and effort

Reading through the other replies, this part is good. Some girls are emotionally unstable, and if her love can die over such a small thing (putting the situation into perspective), then you WOULD NEVER have been able to have a great relationship with her in the long run. As soon as some problems arise, she would have bailed. Girls like this in the long run are not worth the problem. And you should not break up with a girl either, you should have just not contacted her as much and given yourself time to sort it out. Otherwise you are creating uncertainty for her, and making her feel insecure in the relationship.

 

[Master of the Universe]

Thanks for the feedback, advice, suggestions, and words of concern. I appreciate all of them - thank you!

Dekka wrote,

let me tell you this though. the best possible thing for it is to just let it go. dont talk to her or see her for months. she'll start to remember all the good times you guys had and start to re-idealize you but its a slow thing. sometimes it can never work out again.

Very true, and that's pretty much the course of action that I will be taking.

probably the biggest thing to be learned by this situation is that, when you sense an awkwardness you MUST aknoledge it and act if you want to have a chance.

Again, this is true.

Drake wrote,

Now how to get her back and still remain in control and not be her doormate is beyond me. I don't know how, now have ever done it.

I've decided to take the high road on this one. I'm not going to play games or try to manipulate the situation. I hurt her, and if the price is to no longer be with her, then such is life. If she feels that what we had was special, and she wants to give it another chance, she'll contact me when and if she's ready.

Eddy wrote,

The other night I nearly cried at a bar when the band played, "here without you", by 3 doors down.

Yeah, those songs can really fvck you up.

You feel like it will never happen again. Maybe that's why it's so painful to let go.

Initially that was my feeling, but I know that's not true. What's more painful now is knowing that I hurt someone that is special to me.

Jwhite17 wrote,

you have no desire for other chicks, you want her back, you plot out ways to get her back, you think about her all the time(even while you are working or doing anything), you think things could have been different, and you express the wide range of negative emotions and feelings like angry, sad, depressed, desperate, lonliness, etc.

Yes, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I screwed up and it's over. It doesn't make me feel 100%, but it does provide me with some closure.

I curious, when you said that you wanted to take a break with her, did you tell her this or did you tell her something completely different hiding your true motives?

Not at the time. The day that I told her we need to take a break we were making out. While I was feeling her breasts she moved my hands.

When she got home, I told her that I feel rejected when she does this and it hurts sometimes, and that we should take two weeks off and for her to see other guys in the meantime.

It wasn't so much the fact that she moved my hand, but rather that I had a lot of insecurities that I had to deal with because of this. She's a virgin and I was pushing things too hard physically, and the more I pushed the more she retreated. That's what I needed to work on, why I was insecure and had to get validation for her feelings for me through physical intimacy.

The nail in the coffin was not so much in that I needed to take time apart, but rather that I told her to see other guys. She felt that I didn't care about her.

She thought everything was going great I bet and then you shoot her up with the "taking a break" line.

Yup.

She might never be able to think of you as the same as before you took a break with her because she could be scared you might do it again, and as you have said "she doesn't want to get hurt". She is trying to protect her own heart from this happening again, so she won't be able to feel the same way about you ever again possibly.

This is quite possible, and I've resigned myself to that fact. Time will tell if that is the case or not.

Only she knows for sure. She could have just kissed you because she wanted to see if there was anything left.

Yup, you're right. The question is, did she find that there was some feelings left? Only she knows.

She is saying that because she is really confused, and doesn't know what she wants or where to go from her, but I suggest you give her some time to think about it, and in that time, you should do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself happy, then ring her up one day with new energy and a zest for life, and she will see the previous GREAT and AWESOME MOTU that she fell in love with before the break(thanks E-Z Rider) and the attraction could start all over again.

Definitely best course of action.

PS..I want to thank you for posting the boot camp because you are one of the posters here who got me to break out of my shell and start doing cold approaches.

Glad to be of help!

Jbbrian wrote,

I'm compassionate towards your situation but you must have consciously known that by initiating a "break", there could have been a chance she would never be yours again.

This is going to sound really naive, but the thought never entered my mind. I was foolish to think that things would proceed from where we left off, but that's what I actually though... live and learn.

I know the reality of the whole mess is having a hard time setting in, but you MUST come to grips with yourself AND your loss..because she may very well be gone forever (by the way it sounds to me) but the question is..

Will you wither away with her?

I've come to grips with it. It doesn't make me happy, but I've accepted it. Will I wither away with her, no, that's not who I am.

Iqqi wrote,

this is what i would like to pound into your head. just because you are Master Of The Universe, does not mean you are the master of the universe. you played with this chics feelings, for a reason that may not have been worth it. my head is groogy now from medicine, but if you don't get what i said already, then i'll elaborate later.

No, I understand what you're saying. It was a mistake on my part... I honestly did not see it from this perspective at the time, but I've learned.

White_hype wrote,

take this as a learning experience (the good things in life wouldnt be so good if there wasnt any pain, and be thankful you could expereince something so great... realise you once had a great thing and it will be even greater with the next person you meet... if not try again, IT WILL HAPPEN if you want it to)

Very true and wise words.

dont beat yourself up over it, youre a young guy, guys make dumbass mistakes, but oh well thats life, move on bro, millions of people have done the same and are now better for it

All part of life I guess.

Clooney wrote,

MOTU, I swear you are just reliving my life over. Everything that is happening to you has happened to me. One of my X girlfriends and I had the best relationship but I felt I was loosing myself in that relationship too, seems to be the main theme for my relationships, I also feel controlling and jealous.

It seems we're living the same life in opposites side of the world. Hahaha...

It feels like your arms are tied behind your back and your relationship is sliding away right infront of your eyes, but you just cant do anything about it, doesnt it?

Yup, but I'm coming to realize that I'm the one that tied those hands behind my back. Now that they're tied, it's up to her to decide if she wants to untie them or move on.

When I have been in this situation, I have found that is it, that is all you can do, it is upto her to figure things out in her mind. Her "love" has not gone, it is just her trying to protect her heart.

Yup, this is the best course of action.

One day, maybe a long time away you will find a girl with whom you could have a great relationship with, just make sure you realise when you meet this girl and TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY. Unlike me.............I found a great one but couldnt let myself be hurt again so I let her go..................

That sucks dude... I hope that when the next one comes along you'll be ready for her.


Again guys, thank you for your help and suggestions.

I've decided that I'm not going to try to make her jealous or play any games. It was the real MotU who got her in the first place, not some game player, and that's the only person who can get her back.

I'm going to give her a week or so to think things over, and then I'm going to write her a letter to apologize for hurting her. I did hurt her, and I owe her and myself that much at least.

If she decides she's ready to give it another shot, then so be it. And if she doesn't, then again so be it.

Thanks everyone!

MotU

 

[DEKKA]

i like the fact that you really care about all the good advise and comments you've gotten concerning this. thats classy. we've all been in your shoes at one time or another... some of us way more times than we'd like to admit. life goes on though, even the worst days are forgotten with time. new better women erase the memories of the ones you thought were just so so good. your perspective changes. you realize that what you saw as the ideal woman was not. you grow. you expand as a person and as a man.

these situations have made me ask myself a very important question. when this kind of thing happens, even though we really think we would like to keep the relationship, would us guys REALLY be happy in the relationship even if we were to give it another shot? ususally the answer is no. once the magic dies it's gone. when that chemistry doesn't just flow freely like it used to, nobodys gunna be happy, even us guys that think we should go for a second chance.

us guys are usually the last ones to figure out that the relationship has soured. have you ever noticed how the woman usually senses the akwardness first? almost like they have a sense that its going to disentigrate over the following weeks. maybe its her fault or maybe its not but i think all of us guys would be wise to recognize this kind of thing quicker.

theres always better women out there who want you way more. all of us would be much happier with a woman that treated us like a god and adored us than trying to save an existing relationship. Low IL isn't even something we should try and turn around- better to have a fresh slate.

good luck bruh

 

[Aramas]

lol - welcome to the human race MotU

When a chick says 'I need some space" or "I don't think we should see each other for a while" etc, it means "game fvcking over, but I don't want to hurt you". She knows that, I know that and I assume you know that. All was well in her world and you dumped her - you fvcked it up. If you kick someone in the nuts then they probably won't want to hang out with you again. Toying with a woman's emotions has a similar effect. Your role in a LTR is to PROTECT your woman from things that can destroy her world - not DO them to her.

An LTR is not some fvcked up studmuffin fantasy where you're in and out quick and you never have to face the consequences, but then neither are one nighters - people pretend they are and blame the consequences on other things, but you can't escape cause and effect. If you fire a gun in a crowded train then you're going to hit someone - there's no point saying "but I didn't aim, I just pulled this little lever thingy here" or "it's ok, I'm getting off at the next stop". You have to pay the piper - there's no alternative. Your life IS the consequences of your actions - even if you're just doing one nighters you still have to deal with the consequences. In that situation it's not particularly obvious just which cause had what effect, but they do. All of them. Every human interaction, no matter how mundane, has inevitable flow-on consequences. Once you're in control of your actions to the point that the consequences are mainly positive for all involved, then you're in control of your life.

Look back and put the pieces together - when you laugh your arse off, grin and say "Oh fvck!" then you're starting to get it.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Master of the Universe
I'm going to write her a letter to apologize for hurting her. I did hurt her, and I owe her and myself that much at least.

are you sorry that you hurt her, or are you sorry for the action you took that hurt her? this would be important to me if i was in her shoes. it would distinguish you from being just a jerk who is only sorry because results were bad, instead of a guy who can see and learn from his mistakes.

are you apologizing for the result? or the entire mistake you made?

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Hey MOTU, this sucks my friend. Yeah it sucks.

But there are two ways to go with this.

First, learning experience #37. Hey, this sh1t has happened to everyone at one time or another. You can't be Mister Perfect all the time and she can't Miss Perfect all the time either. There always comes a time in every relationship where you just have to ask "Is it worth continuing?" Sometimes the answer is "Yes". Most of the time, the answer is "No."

Learning experience #37 says to look back on it as objectively as you can and say "this is where I fvcked up", and this is where "she was just fvcked and there was no way around it" up.

You should learn from these "his and her" fvck-ups and don't repeat the his side and avoid the chicks who do her side. Overall, just move on.

But then, you can't just leave your feelings and your hurt in the dust. Hey, human beings and even human males were just not built that way. But we were built to eventually get over it and YOU WILL TOO.

This option will forever be known as "learning experience #37".

The second option is called "Recover From Your Mistake and Get Her Back" option. The unpopular DJ rule option. The option which overrules "the pool has already been pissed in" option.

But, if you think about it, AFC's get away with this option all the time. Guys and Girls are always breaking up and getting back together. Sh1t, I've had more than 50 of these in my life already. (A lot fewer since I've adopted a more hard-core DJ philosophy but a few nonetheless.)

The main point is that mistakes can be recovered from. Her mistakes can be recovered from. (personally, I don't have time for virgin chicks anymore who give me a hard time but then I'm older than you.)

If you look at the mistakes you made, there are two important ones.

I will start with the one that is the least understood and the real reason she has moved on now.

A CHICK CAN ONLY LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS SHE TRUSTS YOU. I'm not talking abvout cheating trust here because most chicks can forgive and even get turned on by you cheating.

I'm talking about the "will you be there for her-type trust." The sudden "lets take a two week break" move on your part broke her trust in you. This caused her interest and her love to plummet. Past the breaking point. She could no longer trust you as a man that will be there for her.

No matter what reason you did it for, you broke her trust. (sometimes, you need to demonstrate you can walk away if the rationale is good enough. I don't think it was in this case to her at least.)

But to women, this is the easiest mistake as well as the hardest mistake to overcome. You just move back in and apologize (a little) and tell her it won't happen again. You put yourself back out there and she will forgive you.

Don't tell her the truth however. Bullsh1t around it and tell her you were getting too serious and it scared you off. Explain that your other explanations about jealousy etc, were just bullsh1t. She scared you off.

Women believe this sh1t. She'll take you back. You eventually have to rebuild the (female version) of trust again before much else will happen. You have to discard the negative emotions you had which lead up to this break up in the first place (didn't I tell you this before.)

Go back to charming MOTU and keep your emotions in check this time and wait it out until her "trust" rebuilds.

The second part of "Your Mistake" center around developing those negative emotions in the first place (or more accurately, allowing them to surface in real life rather than surpressing them the way a good man and a good DJ would, (yah, bull**** I know but facts surrounding women are facts.)

But then, damn, she is virgin and it seems like all the original problems started because of that.

This has been a long post but then I don't know all the sh1t that has happened. You do however. The reason you felt all these negative emotions might not be your fault. They might be her's.

If she is the one that caused you to feel jealous, frustrated etc., leave the b1tch alone. Chicks that don't add positively to your life are poison. Not all women are like this and all DJs should screen the bad chicks out.

 

[catera]

i wrote a whole page and the screen went blank lost it

OK. i have to start all over. I am the guy on Why is my gf acting like a royal,,,,,,,? I know your pain. Stand tall. BE the man. I know you feel bad. Do not blame yourself. You should walk away for one month. Give her time. She will be back. LOVE is strong. You can suppress it, but it is always there. She can lie all she wants, but she loves you. You have to show her you are fine without her. She will wonder where you are ? why you have not called? BAM , SHE IS IN YOUR WEB. SHE WILL BE TRYING TO FIND OUT ABOUT YOU. It is a waiting game. Then out of the blur, a letter or a call will come from her. She will be totally renewed with a new perspective. I can not guarantee, but this is what I feel. I am hoping. I am in this boat too. I AM almost one month. 3 WEEKS AND A FEW DAYS. WITHOUT TALKING TO MY GIRL. bUR, I know it is coming soon. I am very impressed with everyones viriews. You can read my post. I am very curious on your views. I am hoping I am handling my situation correctly.GOOD LUCK . I sincerely want you to get her back. / catera

 

[Aramas]

If she is the one that caused you to feel jealous, frustrated etc., leave the b1tch alone. Chicks that don't add positively to your life are poison. Not all women are like this and all DJs should screen the bad chicks out.

Firstly, no one can cause someone else to feel anything - we do it to ourselves. However, if a chick has incompatible values, that doesn't make them wrong, lesser or 'poison' - it just makes them incompatible. One man's meat etc.. As for a chick adding positively to one's life - it's important to distinguish between chicks that are 'poison', and just poisoning our own mind as the result of our delusions.

Usually, what we think is really going on isn't. It's just a fantasy built from scraps of misperceptions. A personal conspiracy theory, if you will. And therein lies the crux of the biscuit. Essentially the intended DJ progression is AFC->self-delusion->reality. A delusion is the last place anyone will ever find reality, so for the most part they never make the last transition. The credible alternative is AFC->self-examination/actualisation->reality, but that's like hard and stuff

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Aramas, you think too much. Your IQ is higher than Real Life tm builds into actual Real Life tm.

Bottom-line things, it is a much more productive philosophy.

If she causes problems for you, SHE IS THE PROBLEM (assuming you are a normal stand-up guy to start with.)

In fact, there are a lot of chicks you should just run away from. No DJ should think he is Superman and that the nasty female b1tches out there will not get to him.

Back-up and think about the way life really is based on "facts is facts" rather than "the facts the way they should be."

The bottom-line is that some chicks just won't like your sh1t. Some chicks will just cause you to totally lose it. Some chicks will dilberately choose to fvck up your sh1t.

It doesn't make you less of a man. It just puts the "facts are facts" on the table.

Overall, there are a lot of chicks you should just avoid. You (and all other DJs) are not Superman.

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by Aramas


Usually, what we think is really going on isn't. It's just a fantasy built from scraps of misperceptions. A personal conspiracy theory, if you will. And therein lies the crux of the biscuit.

This is VERY true. This is what makes most guys so insecure in relationships. Although you cannot be naive either. Sometimes your personal "consipracy theories", might just proove to be true.

Catera, yes LOVE is strong. However the girl needs to love you enough "have high enough interest level", and realise she is supressing her true emotions for her to come around in the LR. Good luck to you too champ.

 

[jbbrain]

JUSTDOIT,

I think you're wrong. ARAMAS is delving into the depths of how we "ought to act" because ultimately that is what we should strive for. I don't care how many guys out there are fearful and jealous chumps. It doesn't make it right. I will always strive to be better.

Jealousy is NOT caused by ANYBODY else. What it has alot to do with is our own fears and insecurities and our "out of context" thought processes.

Jealousy is IRRATIONAL because it often makes us feel that we're about to lose something that was never ours anyways. Jealousy is irrational because it has fear and emotion as its foundation, and not fact.

What this means is that you should always put yourself in a situation where you never feel jealousy, regardless of the context of the situation or amount of emotional investment you have put into a relationship with a girl. If she disrespects or is genuinely trying to (and on purpose) "drive you crazy" as you put it-then by all means, take the necessary steps to correct the situation as you see fit.

You MAY feel anger, you may feel betrayal, but jealousy is an avenue that serves no good purpose.

Period.