(probably final) Update on LTR

[Aramas]

Sometimes your personal "consipracy theories", might just proove to be true.

lol - that's true enough - just because you're paranoid doesn't that there's not someone out to get you

The thing with LTR's is that one day you wake up in one and you're not in Kansas anymore. In a LTR two strangers become closer to each other than anyone else in their lives at the time, and due to the limitations of language both people perceive what's going on quite differently. It's not unheard of for someone to come home one day thinking they're happy and successful and have a great family life only to have it all come crashing around their ears because it was just their elaborate little fantasy world - in the real world their wife had been screwing around for years, their dear little princess daughter was a porn slvt and their football star son was on crack and taking it from behind from anyone for some change. (See a film called 'Bliss' for a great example) Get the idea? We see what we want to see and we hear what we want to hear. How many people have you met that have polarized opinions on subjects they know nothing about? It's easier to just make it all up - that way there are no contradictions. If they do that about mundane stuff, how well do you think they're dealing with relationships?

Of course any discussion of 'reality' is subjective, since we all perceive things differently and base our interpretations on different models. However, if we can learn to stop interfering with what we see and hear (or 'fiddling the books', so to speak) and just deal with information without jumping to conclusions then we can avoid a lot of major mindfvcks.

At least we have a subconscious that's a lot better at 'picking up' when things aren't right. Unfortunately most people try to run away and hide - thats why people take prozac, get stoned or drink every night - their subconscious is shaking them saying 'something is wrong', but they just want to stick their head in the sand instead of facing it. They're the same people that end up being hospitalised from taking 'bad acid'. They can't distinguish between illusion and reality.

SO all I'm trying to say is don't take your perceptions (or hers) for granted - you might be so far off the mark that the chick wouldn't recognise the events as you recall them at all.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Jealousy does serve a useful purpose.

Mother Nature gave us this emotion for a reason.

Jealousy is just one component of a guy's gut instinct. Your gut instinct is there for you when you don't have enough objective information on which to make a firm decision.

There's something unusual about your girlfriend's actions of late. You can't quite put your finger on it but you know it is making you jealous. Your gut is telling you that something is wrong and you should watch her actions a little more closely.

Perhaps she is harmlessly flirting with another guy. Its making you a little jealous but there is nothing to worry about right? You should just discard this jealousy and be a confident DJ. She can't make you jealous.

Wrong, you don't have enough information yet on whether to decide that everything is all right or not. Maybe it is just harmless flirting. But maybe she is screwing this guy on the side and he has herpes. Maybe she's always wanted this guy and will leave your ass in the club that night and go home with him. But maybe he is just an old friend from high school. You don't know and that is just the point. Jealousy is just telling you to pay attention.

But then women hate guys that are too jealous. Every now and again she might want to see a little jealousy from you which women interpret as evidence that you actually care about them. But too much jealousy turns them off and can even scare them off.

And guys do have a habit of over-blowing things when jealousy rears its ugly head. A lot of guys do not know how to handle it and they lose self-control.

These are the DJ principles about not showing jealousy. It turns women off and guys usually do not know how to maintain self-control.

But it also a DJ principle to always listen to your gut. Your gut is usually right. Jealousy is something to pay attention to.

And I have had lots of girlfriends. Some went out of their way to make me jealous. But some would never think of doing anything at all that would cause pain to me. I had a lot more fun with these girls. Why would I go back to the nasty ones when there are lots of good ones out there.

[side note: when I use "DJ Rule" or "DJ Principle" I really mean the experience of thousands of DJs and seducers before you and my own experience of the same say this works. It is not just some silly rule. It is what works.]

 

[jbbrain]

Originally posted by JustDoItAlways
Jealousy does serve a useful purpose.

Mother Nature gave us this emotion for a reason.

OK, so what youre saying is that because its an innate trait, we MUST use it?
Why?
Just because some white boys got some idea thousands of years ago that they were more superior to blacks and decided to enslave them for thousands of years, that makes it all right?

"Mother Nature" equipped us with a lot of baggage. It's OUR job to discern which is good and which is bad.

Also when you mention how she might be screwing the other guy, thats why I stress so much that a good dj is a rational dj. Most of the time, if youre an ltr, its because she has proven her trustworthiness to you. In my opinion, flirting with another man (regardless of the intent) is a breach in this trust. But I dont have to get jealous over it. I just think its disrespect and being the confident man, I'll act accordingly.

A man should never feel jealousy because of a little thing called PERSPECTIVE. It has nothign to do with "thinking youre the man and any girl would be CRAZY to write you off". This is dangerous because it just blinds you from the truth (when you do find out shes nailing someone else, you have no more defense mechanism left because she already cheated on your "I am the prize" ass. It's about knowing that whatver happens with any girl, regardless of they choose to do, you'll be fine. It means knowing you can move on 100% and never look back and just know you have a great life ahead of you, whether it be your passion, knowing you'll fvck 10 other girls in a months time. Whatever.

This perspective has allowed me to slowly move on from the snakiness of jealousy. It serves me NO GOOD PURPOSE (because Ive been there). Now, I trust my gf to do what she wants, because she is my gf. If she at any time breaches this trust, then I'll know it's time to move on.

This is not called a passive appraoch. It's called a rational approach that will save ANYBODY heartache from jealousy in the future.

 

[jbbrain]

JUSTDOIT,

and stop using the phrase " she made me jealous"

Understand it is ANOTHER FACT that jealousy is NOT created my anyone else except you. I you don't believe me, I'm sure you can check out thousands of psychiatric or psychlogical reports on the cause of jealousy.

Knowing that YOU created it, MOTHER NATURE also gave us the ability to UN-CREATE IT.

 

[Ricky]

MOTU, what seems like it is over may not be over at all.

She is guarding her feelings. But I have had girls pop back into my life after such breakups.

To make it seem less an emotional issue and more a technical issue, think of it in an NLP standpoint. You have established a very bad anchor in her that represents her fear of future pain with her. People will do anything to avoid pain even if it means limiting pleasure.

Decide for yourself, do I want this girl back in my life. If you do, you will find the answer to manifest the positive feelings in her again.

With some girls, they are unwilling to change and you will never get them back. But typically the best way to get her back is to bring her back into your life with a friendly night out. During this night don't discuss any of the negative emotions of the relationship. Instead focus on having a good time and talk about things that are going on in your life. I did this with one girl after being apart for a one month breakup. It was pretty amazing, but we ended up talking and dating again.

Best of luck MOTU and Happy New Year. Heres to a great 2004 for all.

 

[drake]

Ricky I am curious....in your past relationships you said you have had this same thing (breaking up with the girl) and getting her back. Why did you try to do this?? As a DJ it seems to be bread that you should not look back. Why did you decide to look back once you broke up with them?? How many were successful also?

I assume that the no contact rule is the best for getting them back.....but how long is long enough?? You don't want to call back in a month and ruin your chances when really 3-6 months was needed? I guess there is no guage unless they start to call you. What are the chances of them calling you though, when you are the one that broke up?
Just curious

 

[Omega]

Happens to the best of us.
Keep strong bud.

 

[Luscious]

MOTU, I've been in a LTR for 5 months know and yeah, those feelings creep in from time to time.

Whenever you feel that sort of stuff when you're in a relationship...just, ask yourself if you can really trust her, and if you can, stay with her. I don't really know how to put it into words, but I know that I can trust my girl with anything - it's just something you feel.

There had to be something the matter if you were the one initiating the break. Maybe it had NOTHING to do with her - maybe it really WAS you being afraid of how you were becoming.

Maybe you were scared that you were actually, truly falling for her. Maybe you didn't want to set yourself up for a world of hurt, when, in fact, that's exactly what happened.

Whatever the case, we all make mistakes.
It could be much worse: you could have lost all your money on Enron in the stock market, or lost your life savings gambling on football. You get the idea . The bottom line is that you know you've got so much going for you that it's ridiculous to think you're going to have trouble going on without her.

You have to face that you may have made a mistake, and like I said, we all manage to royally screw things up like champions from time to time.

But what sets people apart is how you pick yourself back up and move on after getting knocked square on the seat of your pants.

Don't try to change something that can't be changed, if that's the case. You may have to chalk up the loss and move on, however painful it is.

 

[AmgineEX]

RE

I believe it's the nostalgia that gets us. I'm going through the same thing right now, except the girl wants me back, but isnt showing it ******dly (it's the subtle verbal cues and tone). I also want her back, but i feel like this relationship is going no where, so I'm trying to move on. I'm dating someone else right now but the nostalgic emotional spurts i get randomly through out the day makes you feel quite sad and makes you feel hurt and depressed. You feel as if you're stabbing yourself. I'm forcing myself to be quite strict when i talk to her, sometimes i even feel as if i'm trying to brush her off. However, in the long run, it's the best for both of us. I think you should do the same.

For me, pursueing this woman is a lost cause. She's going to U Penn next year, I'm at Emory, it's going to be a long distance relationship. I tried to work it out, but I'm just not the phone type of guy. One voice inside me says that it won't work(the logic voice). The other voices pleads to try it out, just one more time. I'm sticking with logic on this one, and trusting your "feelings" when it comes to love might not be the wisest choice in the world. Life, after all, is nothing like a Disney fairy tale.

Btw, the relationship of mine lasted for almost 2 years. We were very intimate emotionally. Hell, we were practically married in the amount of waking hours per day that we spend together.

 

[TesuqueRed]

You done well, MoftU.

Some things were AFC and ill-advised, some things were done well. What counts is that you laid it on the line and took the hits.

Then you stepped back and looked at it.

Fvck. Well done, imho.

I can't tell you that you learned anything since I "thought" I learned something in similar situations over and over again. Then I stopped noticing if I learned anything or not--and woke up later finding out that I did learn something.

Don't worry, guy, you've got something invaluable here, which is that you go out and do it 110% and lay it on the line.

 

[DankNuggs]

MOTU - You didn't do anything wrong, and I suggest letting the girl live with her own conclusions...."She wants you in her life" ...i.e. She isn't sure what she feels, but is pretty f-ing pissed off you would break the relationship, and now she is taking the time to requestion things, and get her power/dignity back....


My advice would be to let her figure herself out...You did what you needed to do, and while it hurts, for her to lash out like she did, means the relationship just wasn't that solid anyways...

If she doesn't come around...then let sleeping dogs lie...find someone to have something special with....It hurts and sucks, but only because you opened yourself up....make sure its the right one next time....

 

[Doppler4000]

MOTU- It's not AFC at all to be having these feelings now. Actually, I'm a little surprised that someone with your knowledge would even think such things, but then again you're in a bad spot right now and that can make us not ourselves. AFC would be if you ignored clear and repeated signs of rejection at this point and refused to move on when something is clearly lost.

Like the other guy said, you're only human and no matter how cool or "DJ" is seems to post stuff about holding in feelings and not getting attached, that's only gonna work if all you care about is a quick lay and nothing more. I'd venture to say that's NOT what most guys on here ultimately want, and you've admitted that it's not you. So, if you never take any chances and lay your feelings on the line at the right time, you're not really living.

 

[Ricky]

Originally posted by drake
Ricky I am curious....in your past relationships you said you have had this same thing (breaking up with the girl) and getting her back. Why did you try to do this?? As a DJ it seems to be bread that you should not look back. Why did you decide to look back once you broke up with them?? How many were successful also?

I assume that the no contact rule is the best for getting them back.....but how long is long enough?? You don't want to call back in a month and ruin your chances when really 3-6 months was needed? I guess there is no guage unless they start to call you. What are the chances of them calling you though, when you are the one that broke up?
Just curious

Drake, I have gone back with her because I am a total masochist, but I do enjoy her company. I make very little bones about the fact that I probably will never marry this girl. She is good for me to an extent. I can enjoy her and go about my business.

I got her back actually by what seems to be an AFC way. I never let her go. I would call her, not so often that their would be a problem, but even after we broke up, I'd call to say hey. This never allowed her to get me completely out of her life.

BUt the trick was, I would talk about how great things were going or how busy I was.

Finally one day after a month and a half of not dating, she called and invited me out to dinner again. I was back in!

 

[Aramas]

lol - I have a history of dumping chicks 3 times. They keep sneaking back in

By the 3rd time I have to get nasty. The nastiest 3rd time dump was when I said "Get the fvck out of my bed, get the fvck out of my house and get the fvck out of my life!"

It worked

 

[Abcd]

Wow, it's uncanny how close to your situation mine is. I used to come to this site maybe a year ago, but I haven't been back in probably 9 or 10 months. I was in a great long term relationship (my first one) and she really made me happy. I'm not going to type out my whole situation, but I seperated with her for the same reasons you did, saying that maybe we could see how things work after we get our heads together. Now even though I know we both still have feelings for each other, she's so afraid to commit to me again and I'm so afraid to seem like a needy chump that it's making it impossible for us to be together.
-
Someone said:
Now how to get her back and still remain in control and not be her doormat is beyond me. I don't know how.
-
Agreed.

 

[drake]

That was me.

Yea, I find that rather tricky. Getting them back (if that is what you want) without being a chump. I am doing the whole no contact thing right now. Finding other girls as well. Its amazing how you kill oneitis by getting other girls. But still the ex feels like some unfinished business in my head. Fat question mark. I will give her a few months to cool off. Call her up and see if she wants to hang out. Sure that will be enough time to miss me.
Andrew

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Wow.....

...I read the first part, but I had an idea where it was going....

Sorry to hear things changed bro... as far as breaks go... we've all asked for em... I remember when I posted how I did the same thing u did... everyone and their mothers were' Oh, it's over... asking for a break is the kiss of death...etc.etc.' but it wasn't... that was over 3 years ago... hey dude, no one knows yoour situation better than you... go with your gut... if something is not right... you would know... if the magic is gone.. then it's gone.. and no matter what you say or do... that's how it is sometimes... that's wy there are different ppl for different ppl....

I would suggest that sometimes, what looks strange, may just be insecurities... sometimes no matter how long you spend with someone, you still may not trulyknow, how the other person clicks... then again, sometimes, there could be something up, but it has nothing to do with you, and if ya pry into too much, you can be a aprt of that reason...


In any case... sorry to hear it tanked.... take it as a learnng experience, and forge on.... there is someone out there who will click with you better... and after all, we all deserve nothing less.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

I think MOTU got exactly what he deserved. When you are in a relationship, it's not all about you. You didn't take her feelings into consideration, when you tell her from out of the blue you need two weeks off. You should have either discussed it with her, or completely severed all ties. I'm glad you suffered, you deserved it.

"I don't like the person I've become in the relationship." If that statement is true, you are not mature enough to be in the relationship, therefore, you don't need to be with her or anyone else. You should know who you are before you get into a serious relationship.

A relationship is a series of progressive steps, one false move and you're back at the beginning. Even If you get back to where you were, she will still be apprehensive. This will also make it easy for her to either cheat or leave, because you completely undermined her sense of security.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by MR_PERFECT
because you completely undermined her sense of security.

and this is something very important in a LTR. we all discuss here how women want deep down a man who can protect her. you couldn't even protect her from yourself. think about that.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by iqqi
and this is something very important in a LTR. we all discuss here how women want deep down a man who can protect her. you couldn't even protect her from yourself. think about that.

You know what... women don't need anything, let alone protection. They do fine themselves.... yes, he f*cked up, and now it's over, ain't about protecting sh*t nor does the man need to be kicked anymore while he's down.... I don't know the son of a b*tch but, ya got to give the pr*ck a break here... like you guys were never a$$holes before.. c'mon... give the poor mothersucker some air for Christs sake.