Pretty sure that I am about to get dumped. URGENT

[gettinit]

I'll try and be short here but there is a lot.

3+ Year relationship
1 hour apart
I'm pretty busy
She is less busy, but keeps herself busy.
I'm the second man she ever slept with
She married at 17 and I met her just prior to her divorce (no kids).
It took 3 months to sleep with her. I read it right.
AWESOME Sex
She takes SUPER good care of me and does whatever I wanted.
I lead and she LOVES that.
One fight in three years and it was two weeks ago (more below,I felt disrespected and cracked)

Due to strains in my life, I did start to invest less time, but as much as I could. I am wondering if I lost my lead.
About 3 months ago, I started to notice small changes. Just little things, but just enough for me to put up my radar.
I have also noticed lately that she isn't asking what I am doing.
She went MIA for two weekends in a row recently, claiming a girls weekend.
Two weeks ago, she cancelled on a few day trip due to work pressure, but I sensed issues weeks before. She then left it with we can do something later.
The day prior to the original trip date, I sent a her a list of thing that I wanted when I arrived. She replied with "that's a hot order!" and did it all. She loved it. Again, great sex, with her emailing me goodnight and good morning, ending her email with "we are fun".

I was irritated that she cancelled the recent trip at the last minute and then she went MIA for the weekend, leaving me with no time to make plans of my own. I was irritated, but kept control. A two days after she got back, she sent a "fun but clothed picture" from her weekend that was supposed to be for my benefit. For some reason, I had doubts that it was. She normally sends them the same day. She offered to come over in a few days, so I started making some plans for us. In an text a few hours later she cancelled again. I was out in public so I kept my cool and she commented about how patient I was with her. After a hour or so, it got the best of me and I called her and called her out on it. I have a lot of pressure in my life that has built up and I went over the edge. She tried to defend herself and then began to cry. We talked it out and even did a long distance shot together of our favorite liquor (actually her idea).
The call ended with her saying "stay in touch" Odd.

I sent her a "having sexual thoughts" email this past Saturday. Not that I left a hanging question, but no response, although a two day gap in communication isn't that uncommon by either of us, no matter what the subject.

Monday I sent a text to set up a date for Thursday, asking if she could get out of work early.

Her response:
I can't leaver early on Thursday. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I'm sorry for procrastinating about writing to you the last few days. I will share my thoughts... later. Hope you had a good day Good Night


I am feeling the presence of another man in my gut. No physical evidence, more circumstantial.

I think that I have a few choices here:

Preemptive dump in person. Anyone have words advice on this choice?

Send her a message "Take all of the time that you need" and delete/block her number

Send her a message "Take all of the time that you need" and see what happens.

Send her a message " I have been thinking a lot myself lately and have been delaying sharing them with you.

Send her a message for Thursday and check her reaction: "Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus."

Send her a message: I have an idea to help clear your mind..

Don't react to her message at and sit back and wait for Thursday and let her tell me what she is thinking.

I'm not going to send a mushy email or text.

The funny thing is that I was actually getting kind of bored and more than once thought of ending it. After realizing how good I had it, I reconsidered. Now I'm losing sleep. WTF?

Any thoughts on the above choices or does anyone have other ideas?

 

[gettinit]

Thanks for the reply LARaiders85. So, best exit strategy? Preemptive dump or hear her out. Either way, I know that its going to hurt. She is not experienced in relationships and I don't think that she knows how to do this, or is 100% sure. Maybe I am kidding myself about her being sure. Any way to plant seeds of doubt in her mind?

If I dump her, should I call her on the new man BS

 

[ubercat]

You've learnt a lot from that relationship now it's time to back off and process. You'll probably be a little shocked how quickly she gets hostile when she realise ithat you have no further use to her. That's just how women are it's a combination of losing access to resources and ego shock that anyone could ever get over them. You absolutely need to go no contact she's enjoying the drama. Don't supply her worthless ass with free entertainment.

 

[marmel75]

I'd just let her know things aren't working out and maybe it's best both of you just moved on.

She will likely chase you for a while to try and reclaim her validation from you which will likely include more sex and then out of nowhere when she has gotten the validation she needs she will dump you hard and fast and move on to the guy she is interested in.

I'd dump her now. If you want the post breakup sex and can handle it without thinking you two are getting back together then go for it but make sure you are dating other women to avoid acting desperate when the other shoe drops.

 

[FwoGiZ]

I think when women start acting up like they, they're hoping for their guy to start acting crazy which would basically give them the ability to blame the break out on you: "he started giving me **** cause I was hanging out with my girlfriends" "He was rude because I had to cancel because of (insert random bs excuse)"

If you've thought about moving on before and now she apparently is too, I hate to say but there isn't much "GOOD" left to happen between you 2.
To begin with, being 1 hour away, I would personally already have 1-2-3 more plates but I have a feeling you don't since you didn't mention any. If I was you, I'd start with that... go out there, meet other chicks, see how it goes. Don't be an idiot tho.


Preemptive dumb seems a bit like feminine overreaction cause you have no solid ground to base anything on.

Take all the time you need and delete? Very feminine too... say one thing and do something else? C'mon.

Wait and see what happens? She's prolly hoping for you to jump thru couple hoops so doing this will probably only make her disconnect (specially if there is another dude kissing her feet atm) but a very viable option I believe. You don't need that kinda ****test in your life trust me.

" I have been thinking a lot myself lately and have been delaying sharing them with you." I wouldn't play mind games...

"Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus." an option if you truly care about that relationship and wants to save it. She might be going through a phase because of some dude hitting on her, and wondering if you are the right man. This could help.

"I have an idea to help clear your mind.." same as previous

Do not send mushy email/text...... she will lose all interest in you.
If you can't sleep after that, the reason is you are putting her on a pedestal, think she is "The One" and getting oneitis... this is very dangerous.
Best remedy is to get out there and meet other chicks. It will make you realize things you need to know to move forward.

 

[Dingo]

Welcome to SS...

Swallow the Red Pill.... Embrace the suck.... You'll come out a better man.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Wait a minute...3 years you were together? Sticking around that long for an LTR and neither of you made the move to be closer together? That alone says either you both have commitment issues (in her case I could understand since she just got divorced), or you both weren't serious even you say you were.

But yeah, she's branch swinging. At this point, I'd try and go on Tinder and start banging some new chicks and go complete radio silence on her for at least a week or so. If she reaches out, observe HOW she reaches out.

 

[Glassguy]

I am slightly in disagreement with the above options because she is still communicating with you.

Instead of "dumping her", just stop initiating any communication. Trust me, she will wonder why you are not texting her or calling her. She will think there is another hen in the rooster cage and if she is truly interested in you and there is not another guy in the picture, she will break. If she does reach out, keep it simple as far as how you respond. No mushy stuff. Just use the communication to set up the next get together for sechs. Set up the date, play the "Im busy....gotta run but I'm looking forward to seeing you Friday" card.

If there is another guy in the picture, she probably wont say or do anything from this point forward because her attention has shifted from you to him.....women are all about the right now emotions and that is where their attention is shifted to.

Just relax, DO NOT message/text/call/email her and let it play out. This isnt a divorce where one person has to make the call to end it. Just put the entire situation on the back burner unless she reaches out. Trust me on this.

You have to realize that she is an hour away so there is always a chance that she has gained interest in someone closer which takes less work on her part to get what she needs.

I dont care if in 2 weeks, a month, a year you get the urge to text her...DONT DO IT.

Make her chase to evaluate her interest level. And start spinning plates. Find a few chicks closer to you.

 

[TheProspect]

I am slightly in disagreement with the above options because she is still communicating with you.

Instead of "dumping her", just stop initiating any communication. Trust me, she will wonder why you are not texting her or calling her. She will think there is another hen in the rooster cage and if she is truly interested in you and there is not another guy in the picture, she will break. If she does reach out, keep it simple as far as how you respond. No mushy stuff. Just use the communication to set up the next get together for sechs. Set up the date, play the "Im busy....gotta run but I'm looking forward to seeing you Friday" card.

If there is another guy in the picture, she probably wont say or do anything from this point forward because her attention has shifted from you to him.....women are all about the right now emotions and that is where their attention is shifted to.

Just relax, DO NOT message/text/call/email her and let it play out. This isnt a divorce where one person has to make the call to end it. Just put the entire situation on the back burner unless she reaches out. Trust me on this.

You have to realize that she is an hour away so there is always a chance that she has gained interest in someone closer which takes less work on her part to get what she needs.

I dont care if in 2 weeks, a month, a year you get the urge to text her...DONT DO IT.

I second this strongly.

OP, Sometimes the best action is inaction. Disengage communication, prepare to withdraw emotionally. From there, the ball is in her court and time will eventually reveal where she stands. Regardless of what she does, you need to spend your time focused solely on you. Keep productive and strive towards your personal goals. Your day-to-day and minute-to-minute decisions should NOT involve a disinterested ex-girlfriend and how she may or may not react. It's irrelevant. Worry about yourself, the rest will fall into place in time.

In the meantime, if you're not too busy chasing goals, don't be afraid to start talking to other women. A individual girl will carry less weight on your emotions when you realize there's always more of them.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, you are about to be dumped. NEVER be the dumpee. Always be the dumper. She is in the process right now, even while still technically together with you, of grieving the loss of the relationship. By the time she dumps you (which is a 100% certainty), she will be mostly over it and you will begin your own grieving process.

NEVER be the dumpee. You don't think that she's magically going to change back to how it was, do you? She's already gone. A conversation with her will bury you. Trust me. Men do not profit from such conversations, ever.

1) Tell her in a very short, unemotional way, that the relationship has changed and you're no longer interested in continuing. Avoid a long conversation. It will only weaken you. Tell her in a matter-of-fact way and then let her go.

Read the bold words above 20 times. Do not invest your emotion into it. That is a weakness she will exploit. If you have a long conversation, it's game over.

2) Go ghost. The script has now been flipped and she is shell-shocked. Instead of thinking of all the things that she thought was wrong, she's now thinking of all the things that were right.

3) Allow several weeks to go by. If she begs and cries and carries on to the point where you think it's worth another shot, go for it, but with the distinct knowledge in your mind that she is on probation.

4) If she goes ghost too, then you have properly taken care of business and she was never right for you. You have ridden yourself of something that would have dragged you down for months. You are a free man.

Never be the dumpee. When a man senses there is something wrong, there IS.

 

[gettinit]

As of two weeks ago her asking to see me and having sex on my terms was something that I had let slip. I got complacent. Its hard to accept that someone that I genuinely liked, trusted and thought that I "got" is capable of what I am seeing. As a long time reader of this forum, I was again kidding myself.

I now have to ask myself if I am strong enough for what has to be done. She always joked that she was my assistant and I would joke when things got a little strained that I might have to fire her. I have tried leaving it to her to contact me, but honestly, I think that that lack of attention has made her feel like less of an "assistant" and less important. Who wouldn't look elsewhere after that?

Now I am down to:
Go NC and block.
Preemptive "nice" dump "I have been thinking too and this isn't working out"
In person or text?
In person: "Before you say anything, I have been thinking a lot as well and think it better to just keep some good memories and move on. You're Fired..

Or,
Quote"
"Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus." an option if you truly care about that relationship and wants to save it. She might be going through a phase because of some dude hitting on her, and wondering if you are the right man. This could help.

"I have an idea to help clear your mind.." same as previous"

I was actually leaning towards this. It plays to her earlier "stable", "assistant" status and may help me regain some leadership. There are always weights on the scale. he question is: Is this heavy enough.

I really do want to save this. Is anyone else in this camp?

I have to be honest here. I'm not a plate spinner and I know that there are more. I'm picky about my women and frankly would rather ****-off that deal with the nonsense. I was 6 months by choice before meeting her and deciding to concentrate on her. No pressure from her, I could do what I wanted. no nagging, no problems at all.

So for me just dating to fill time will be an empty waste of time and money.

 

[gettinit]

When she left her ex, he had no reaction and never even asked where she moved to. How is that for NC. That didn't seem to work very well.

 

[dude99]

I'll try and be short here but there is a lot.

3+ Year relationship
1 hour apart
I'm pretty busy
She is less busy, but keeps herself busy.
I'm the second man she ever slept with
She married at 17 and I met her just prior to her divorce (no kids).
It took 3 months to sleep with her. I read it right.
AWESOME Sex
She takes SUPER good care of me and does whatever I wanted.
I lead and she LOVES that.
One fight in three years and it was two weeks ago (more below,I felt disrespected and cracked)

Due to strains in my life, I did start to invest less time, but as much as I could. I am wondering if I lost my lead.
About 3 months ago, I started to notice small changes. Just little things, but just enough for me to put up my radar.
I have also noticed lately that she isn't asking what I am doing.
She went MIA for two weekends in a row recently, claiming a girls weekend.
Two weeks ago, she cancelled on a few day trip due to work pressure, but I sensed issues weeks before. She then left it with we can do something later.
The day prior to the original trip date, I sent a her a list of thing that I wanted when I arrived. She replied with "that's a hot order!" and did it all. She loved it. Again, great sex, with her emailing me goodnight and good morning, ending her email with "we are fun".

I was irritated that she cancelled the recent trip at the last minute and then she went MIA for the weekend, leaving me with no time to make plans of my own. I was irritated, but kept control. A two days after she got back, she sent a "fun but clothed picture" from her weekend that was supposed to be for my benefit. For some reason, I had doubts that it was. She normally sends them the same day. She offered to come over in a few days, so I started making some plans for us. In an text a few hours later she cancelled again. I was out in public so I kept my cool and she commented about how patient I was with her. After a hour or so, it got the best of me and I called her and called her out on it. I have a lot of pressure in my life that has built up and I went over the edge. She tried to defend herself and then began to cry. We talked it out and even did a long distance shot together of our favorite liquor (actually her idea).
The call ended with her saying "stay in touch" Odd.

I sent her a "having sexual thoughts" email this past Saturday. Not that I left a hanging question, but no response, although a two day gap in communication isn't that uncommon by either of us, no matter what the subject.

Monday I sent a text to set up a date for Thursday, asking if she could get out of work early.

Her response:
I can't leaver early on Thursday. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I'm sorry for procrastinating about writing to you the last few days. I will share my thoughts... later. Hope you had a good day Good Night


I am feeling the presence of another man in my gut. No physical evidence, more circumstantial.

I think that I have a few choices here:

Preemptive dump in person. Anyone have words advice on this choice?

Send her a message "Take all of the time that you need" and delete/block her number

Send her a message "Take all of the time that you need" and see what happens.

Send her a message " I have been thinking a lot myself lately and have been delaying sharing them with you.

Send her a message for Thursday and check her reaction: "Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus."

Send her a message: I have an idea to help clear your mind..

Don't react to her message at and sit back and wait for Thursday and let her tell me what she is thinking.

I'm not going to send a mushy email or text.

The funny thing is that I was actually getting kind of bored and more than once thought of ending it. After realizing how good I had it, I reconsidered. Now I'm losing sleep. WTF?

Any thoughts on the above choices or does anyone have other ideas?

Yes there is another dog in the yard. All this new attention has got her hamster wheel spinning.

Women don't get confused when they want to be with you. They get confused when they want the new guy and you are in the way.

Let me repeat that. Women that want to be with you don't get confused. She is confused because she wants the new guy but can't figure what to do with you.

This is what i would do. I would say this to her. " i have been doing a lot of thinking lately and i am under a lot of pressure. I think we should go our seperate ways."

This is a premptive strike per say. Delete her number and contacts. Go full NC. Go date other women.


Don't waste your time trying to do cpr on dying interest level.

 

[dude99]

[QUOTE="gettinit, post: 2469163, member: 137098]

If I dump her, should I call her on the new man BS[/QUOTE]

Don't bother. Never tell them why you are dumping them. Just that your decision is final and good bye.

 

[gettinit]

I think that my complacency may have started the downward spiral.

So, no one else has any comment on:
Quote"
"Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus." an option if you truly care about that relationship and wants to save it. She might be going through a phase because of some dude hitting on her, and wondering if you are the right man. This could help.

"I have an idea to help clear your mind.." same as previous"

I was actually leaning towards this. It plays to her earlier "stable", "assistant" status and may help me regain some leadership. There are always weights on the scale. he question is: Is this heavy enough.

 

[dude99]

I think that my complacency may have started the downward spiral.

So, no one else has any comment on:
Quote"
"Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus." an option if you truly care about that relationship and wants to save it. She might be going through a phase because of some dude hitting on her, and wondering if you are the right man. This could help.

"I have an idea to help clear your mind.." same as previous"

I was actually leaning towards this. It plays to her earlier "stable", "assistant" status and may help me regain some leadership. There are always weights on the scale. he question is: Is this heavy enough.

I wouldn't bother eith

I think that my complacency may have started the downward spiral.

So, no one else has any comment on:
Quote"
"Whatever you are thinking, you better clear it out because I have a new set of orders and you will need complete focus." an option if you truly care about that relationship and wants to save it. She might be going through a phase because of some dude hitting on her, and wondering if you are the right man. This could help.

"I have an idea to help clear your mind.." same as previous"

I was actually leaning towards this. It plays to her earlier "stable", "assistant" status and may help me regain some leadership. There are always weights on the scale. he question is: Is this heavy enough.

Just tell her you are moving on and goodbye.

You would be amazed as to how quickly a woman will turn her behaviour around when she sees her man has the balls to walk away and not look back.

 

[El Payaso]

Just start dating other women. You won't even need to dump her. You'll just find yourself occupied with other women.

 

[gettinit]

Did you guys miss what I said about her Ex. She does not have a reverse gear. Maybe a neutral, but she has conviction and that is something that attracted me to her in the first place.

I have one shot here and am looking for at least a shot. Everyone makes mistakes and mine was becoming complacent. I won't drop my game again.

 

[Desdinova]

Her response:
I can't leaver early on Thursday. I have had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I'm sorry for procrastinating about writing to you the last few days. I will share my thoughts... later. Hope you had a good day Good Night

When I get these "I've been thinking a lot" messages, I send them this response: "If you're thinking about ending the relationship, I need to know right now." I don't want to wait to end a relationship because it's the wrong time for her. I want it over as quickly and painlessly as possible. If she's not thinking about ending the relationship, she will respond quickly with a "No! Not at all!"

That would be my suggestion to you. Don't let this drag out longer because of her indecisiveness or because she's waiting for the right moment. Be upfront and blunt. There's no point in wasting time breaking up.

...and if you want my thoughts on what's happening in her life, I'm guessing her ex is back in the picture.

 

[The Duke]

Last time I was in this position I witnessed and felt the same things you mentioned here. She wanted to have “the talk”. She showed up to tell me that our relationship was too “serious” and she just wanted to date on a casual basis. I agreed but knew there was more to this and you have to go by actions, not words when dealing with women. At the end of this meeting I started to walk out without hugging/touching/kissing her and this thru her hamster into a tailspin. She immediately told me to come closer and we had a make out session right there in the middle of the bar which was totally NOT something she would normally do. Me showing I really didn’t care what happened caused her to question her own thoughts. The one who cares the least has the most power. She didn’t want to feel rejected by me showing little concern.

One week later we had another meeting and this time she wanted to say that this wasn’t what she wanted but she would always love me blah blah blah lie lie lie and we should stay friends. I told her “nope, I don’t do friends and I don’t have much use for a female I’m not having sechs with.” She had to spin it that I was really hurting her. But this time she didn’t second guess herself.

In your situation, I would only listen to what she has to say because you can learn more about how the female mind operates. However don't do it if it drags the pain and suffering out. I would keep my own thoughts to myself. Just let her ramble. Show little emotion. Be skeptical. And walk out and never talk to her again.

All she is trying to do is drag this thing out because its easier for her. She doesn’t want you anymore. End of Story.

In this day an age, women really aren't a long term investment. When they start acting like this they have checked out of the game. Its wise to just enjoy your time with them for as long as its good for you. Eventually the road comes to an end. We are a throw away society. We don't fix anything or try and solve problems. Just go get new when you aren't happy.