Please Help!

[Spinning Spinning]

Hi guys, thanks in advance.

I've got this lady at work who keeps flirting heavily with me. Problem being:

A. I'm married

B. She is in a far more senior positions than I am.

She sits in a booth directly opposite me and has been eyeing me off for a long time. She always walks past and says hello in a very friendly way and even my mates at work have noticed, she gives nothing to anyone else but always flirts with me. I decided to start messaging her on the internal messaging system which seems to be going really well, i told her she looked amazing one day and she was very receptive. She then went and put on more makeup and did her hair. Surely this is a sign. It got to the point where she flirted really heavily, she was talking to my boss and when he looked away she'd look straight at me and give me this unbelievable smile. I walked away from that day thinking I was in. The next day in at work she gave me the full cold shoulder, almost like something changed over the weekend. I messaged her and she switched off her messenger! The next day she told me boss to tell me to stop messaging her. I took this as clear rejection and immediately stopped the flirting and didn't look in her direction. I could however sense she was still looking at me from time to time. We work so close we were always going to make eye contact sooner or later and I'm positive she initiated it. She most certainly held her eye contact. Still I tried to ignore and I'm pretty sure she got the message until one day i had to work on my day off and no one was around but her. So she came up and spoke to me and we had a good convo. The next Monday back at work and BOOM!. She was all of a sudden flirting really heavily again. Tuesday even my mates noticed but Wednesday = cold shoulder.

Why does she behave like this? Does she feel bad about flirting so heavily the day before? Why did she tell my boss to tell me to stop messaging her when she clearly still wants it? And does she want it? Or is she just playing me? Surely the fact that it's started up again says that she likes me. When she gives me the cold shoulder does she want me to go up and talk to her and do some work myself? Or does she need space?

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Why does she behave like this? Does she feel bad about flirting so heavily the day before? Why did she tell my boss to tell me to stop messaging her when she clearly still wants it? And does she want it? Or is she just playing me? Surely the fact that it's started up again says that she likes me. When she gives me the cold shoulder does she want me to go up and talk to her and do some work myself? Or does she need space?

Honestly, who gives a f**k?

You're married, trying to bang a girl you work with, and this girl has already reported you to your boss.

I don't know what's up with you and your wife, and I don't care about that either. Even if you were single I'd say that this is a stupid situation, and only the most desperate, pathetic man would try to make something out of this.

End of conversation. Go away now.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Hmmm, obviously you have never experienced the power of flirt and testosterone before? Are you like this to all new members? Just wanted a little advice.

 

[Maximummax]

She is an evil person, she is playing with you
or
she is a Clear BPD case.

Both don't look good. Just ignore and concentrate on your work. involving with this women is going to get in trouble. just imagine she might have done this to several other guys too.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Thanks for the advice Maxi!! I know you're right but it's just so damn hard to ignore! i can't remember being more attracted to a girl before and my missus noticed the other day that I was really highly strung......all thanks to this girl grrr. I'll try to do the right thing. What does BPD mean?

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Ahh just looked it up borderline personality disorder could very well be right. God I'm in the ****.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

B. She is in a far more senior positions than I am.

Knowing this, the only way I would even consider doing ANYTHING with this girl is if she initiated allllll of it. If you value your job I would tread very carefully.

[quoteI decided to start messaging her on the internal messaging system which seems to be going really well, i told her she looked amazing one day and she was very receptive.[/quote]

Dude this is just a bad idea, seriously dumb! Why are you messaging her company computers where IF she ends up being psycho, she could easily build a compelling case for sexual harassment against you.

I messaged her and she switched off her messenger! The next day she told me boss to tell me to stop messaging her. I took this as clear rejection and immediately stopped the flirting and didn't look in her direction.

She's whacked in the head bro. She wanted your attention all this time, and once you gave it to her, she acted like you were hitting on her and she didn't want you to. Usually if you start ignoring girls like this they come back like a boomerang.

So she came up and spoke to me and we had a good convo. The next Monday back at work and BOOM!. She was all of a sudden flirting really heavily again. Tuesday even my mates noticed but Wednesday = cold shoulder.

This is classic push-pull; give them a little, then take it all away. When she ignores you she wants you to initiate and give her attention; HOWEVER seeing as she has shown you that she is psycho I would suggest ignoring her. The added benefit is IF you successfully ignore her for a while, she will eventually not be able to take it and likely come on to you stronger; might even ask you to hang out.

Why does she behave like this? Does she feel bad about flirting so heavily the day before?

If she's psycho its because she is trying to bait you. I don't know you at all, but I'm guessing you are the token nice guy; clean cut, not too familiar with game in general and psycho women, or women in general PREY on innocent guys like you; then suck you dry emotionally and mentally.

Why did she tell my boss to tell me to stop messaging her when she clearly still wants it? And does she want it?

Because she is crazy! Seriously, she sounds like she is emotionally unstable a bit, be CAREFUL these women will suck the life out of you if she truly is messed in the head.

-------------------


I'm not going to get into the whole "your married you shouldn't do that" talk.

What you do is your choice.

I will say if you want to get this woman more interested in you, then start IGNORING HER HARD! Like don't even look in her general direction for several days, then one day be really flirty and happy around her. Then straight back to ignoring (just like she does to you). If you ignore her for long enough she won't be able to take it and will likely start trying harder to get your attention.


But with all that said, I will repeat myself one last time:

SHE IS CRAZY BE CAREFUL BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A ROOKIE AND SHE CAN NOT ONLY PHUCK WITH YOUR HEAD, BUT RUIN YOUR LIFE AND JOB.







PIMP

 

[Spinning Spinning]

PIMPS-ICLE thanks so much for taking the time to reply with such detail! Yes you're right I'm a rookie when it comes to women! Everything you say makes sense I'm tipping she's a psycho. But she is so so hot dude I spent the first 6 months of my worklife trying to ignore this woman. It's all become too much she's just so heavy with everything. I'm going to do exactly what you said and play her game, will ingore the **** out of her monday tuesday and give her heaps of attention on wednesday. It's funny you know because when she told my boss I scalded myself for ever event hinking I was a chance but now she's got me convinced all over again just like that! Considering our messages are monitored (or so i heard) could she have told my boss about the texting because she's worried about what might happen if someone finds out? Also my mate suggested she loses control when flirting and regrets it the next day hence the hot and cold. Another suggested we flirt too hard and everyone at the office knows Im married and she realises she was behaving inappropriately?

I can't thankyou enough for your help PIMP. You da man!!

 

[Zerro]

Hmmm, obviously you have never experienced the power of flirt and testosterone before?

It's called having restraint.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I already explained Zerro, I tried to ignore this girl for a long long time but she just keeps on digging. It's really hard hence the question I've posed to you guys in the hope of some good advice. Plus I can't talk about this with anyone I need to talk about it it's doing my head in!

 

[Spinning Spinning]

I'm not going to get into the whole "your married you shouldn't do that" talk.

What you do is your choice.

I will say if you want to get this woman more interested in you, then start IGNORING HER HARD! Like don't even look in her general direction for several days, then one day be really flirty and happy around her. Then straight back to ignoring (just like she does to you). If you ignore her for long enough she won't be able to take it and will likely start trying harder to get your attention.


But with all that said, I will repeat myself one last time:

SHE IS CRAZY BE CAREFUL BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A ROOKIE AND SHE CAN NOT ONLY PHUCK WITH YOUR HEAD, BUT RUIN YOUR LIFE AND JOB.







PIMP

Dude I took your advice to a certain extent. I didn't ignore her. I remained professional and said hello when she walked past every morning BUT.....that's where it ended. Did not look at her after that and certainly didn't flirt. It's amazing how this woman's insecurities built up throughout the day, the odd look turning to quite often, even to the point where she was leaning back in her seat playing with her hair and looking over. Still I gave her nothing. Then she went for the makeup lol. Getting more and more desperate. The next day her attitude had dropped away considerably. It was almost like she'd admitted defeat, though I dare say if I were to buckle in any way she'd return to her fkd up self. A mate in the office saw her sister (apparently a twin) in the car park and we're all starting to wonder whether they swap with each other and work the same job and one wants me and the other doesn't, it would sure as hell explain a lot of things. Either way this girl is one messed up chick, it would take almost a freakish incident for me to fk her now.

And Happy Bday PIMP!

 

[Mike32ct]

I agree with everything PIMP said. Ignoring women like this and giving them minimal attention drives them nuts.

She's what we call (affectionately lol) an attention wh@re.

Most AWs are extremely self-absorbed, but fairly harmless. This one is NOT harmless however. The fact that she said ANYTHING at all to the boss about your messenging PROVES that she can't be trusted.

You gotta get a hold of yourself because she's setting a big TRAP that's going to get you reprimanded or even fired. She has an evil sadistic side that you can't fully see yet. In short, she's out to F you over and it's not the fun kind.

Yeah continue with the ignoring and minimal attention stuff. But far more important is that you do the following:

1. Any conversations you have with her must be about work only. If you MUST chit chat at all, do NOT give her ANY personal information about yourself

2. Do NOT participate in any gossip or boss/coworker bashing with her.

3. Never message her again. Use in person, email or phone like a normal professional.

4. No flirting at all.

5. Whatever you have to do to get your desires under control, do it. Pretend she is 300 lbs with a mustache lol.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Hahaha thanks Mike and you're right. This girl is evil what I've seen over the past 5 days is not healthy at all. I just know she's trying to get me to message her again so she can go to my boss. I think that's what she's trying to do by ignoring me but still looking over. I appreciate your advice. Thankyou.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

OK this seems to have backfired now. She seems to have lost complete interest with me. No looks today i walked past her desk in a hurry and said hi and she seemd up for a convo but I couldn't stop had a meeeting. Is she taking her game playing to another level and battening down the hatches so to speak or is she just not interested any more (maybe never was). I'm sort of at the stage where it would be a whole lot easier to let go than it would've been a few weeks back. She's no longer in my mind but there's just something there inside me that won't let me let go. Maybe because she's the hottest pice of a55 i would have ever had the pleasure of putting away. I guess it's just a pipe dream now anyway........

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

Does she know you're married? Maybe she gets the thrill out of flirting with you since you're married but then when she realizes you're in for it too it bothers her and she backs off.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Yeah i reckon that could be one scenario for sure.....she knows I'm married yeah.....whenever the flirting gets really heavy she backs right off the next day but she instigates the heavy flirting herself. She's only lost control twice and both times has resulted in full withdrawal......so hard to try and get her out of my mind because she's there right in front of me all day. I see her way more than I see my wife! I guess each day will get easier yeah? So confused how can I have such strong feelings for a girl I hardly even know and how can my feelings change so much all the time if I feel that strongly?

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Is it this girl or is there some sort of underlying issue here? I have big problems with my wife ATM and we barely sleep together if ever and TBH as much as I love her as a friend and care for her the spark just isn't there anymore. Can one go on normally like this?

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

I'm not sure how long you've been married or "seeing" this woman you're married too but I just ended a 20 month relationship recently for similar reasons. I think you have two options:

1. You can work to get the spark back. If your wife is someone you love and someone you can't picture your life without, then you do anything and everything you can to get that spark back. Change up habits, set up date nights every week, anything to bring the chemistry back. If you do this and it continues to not work out then you can't continue on. I lost the spark in mine and just gave up because I didn't want to settle for something that wasn't making me completely happy.

2. You tell her now that you're having trouble and see what her thoughts are (she's obviously noticed it too) and then you decide what's best for the both of you right then and there (continue staying together, maybe a break for awhile to see other people, or divorce and move on).

I think the whole thing at work started because of your home problems and not because of the woman herself. Your feelings grew so strongly for this new woman because you saw something in her that you were lacking at the moment in your marriage. This acknowledgement made your feelings grow rapidly because it filled the void you had been missing.

If you do decide to try and work things out with the wife, you MUST cut things off with this new woman. You can't try to rekindle the flame of a marriage if you're flirting with another woman thinking about her. The what-ifs will plague your mind. You need to go minimal contact with her (obviously you have to interact you work together) but you have to stop the flirting if you want to save your marriage.

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Wow that was fkn awesome bro. Thanks so much! I'm really going to have to do some hard hard thinking.

 

[Brosy]

I have just managed to calm/defuse a similar situation! the girl is not in a senior position but could have a potential influence on my future at the company especially if she's kept on-side.

It is absolutely not worth crossing the line, and that would apply even if you were single.

All I did was bat off the flirting with a lot of use of the word "friend", ignoring doesnt work. Judging by her mentality, and as others have pointed out it will likely have the opposite effect because she thrives on attention. If you keep with the "friend" stuff you'll notice both of your interest levels dropping safely.

Also, with maxi's comments, the girl I was talking to had previous of emotionally crushing other guys from work as she almost boasted about it when we first got talking. I think i was supposed to be her next victim.