Please help me with my BPD-ex [Moved from MM]

[PianoGuy33]

Guys, I need some serious help here. Basically, my story is like all of the other non-BPD exes. When I was 19, I met a really hot girl, amazing body, we had an instant amazing connection. We had a ton in common. As the relationship went on I saw she was pretty nuts, but since we had such a strong connection I let things slide. For example, one time she was at my house, and all of a sudden she ran away up the street and started crying. When I went looking for her, her forehead was all red because she was banging her head into the fence and she face was bleeding because she was digging her fingernails into her skin. I was like WTF!!! but I still continued to get emotionally attached to this girl. Anyway, we were together for almost two years. Now I'm 21, and she's 22. One day, out of the complete blue a couple of months ago, she just came over to my apartment, crying, and told me she didn't love me anymore. I was so crushed, shattered, I had not idea how she could have stopped loving me. She told me she wanted to marry me, spend the rest of her life with me, and have kids with me etc. almost every day for the past 18 months, and now she doesn't love me anymore!?


She says she lost herself, and she has no idea who she is, and if she can't love herself she can't love me. Anyway, I go no contact for like 3 weeks. Then I see her outside her apartment because we are neighbors. We hang out and have sex, really amazing wild kinky, animalistic sex, and now we are hanging out again. We went salsa dancing last night. She holds my hand, kisses me, makes out with me all the time, tells me how hot I am, tells me how perfect I am, then we have crazy wild amazing sex, but she dosn't want to talk to me, when she's at her home. She doesn't want to text or talk on the phone. She doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she only wants to act like it when we are together, but still not be together. I am so confused because she says she wants to be with me more than anything, but she feels to crazy, and empty, and being with me will make her go "under." However, we have plans to watch a movie at my apartment in a couple days. I just don't know what to do because I have serious feelings for her, but when I"m not with her, I feel so depressed, sad, lonely and unable to focus. I feel anxious and irritable.


What do you guys think I should do? Move on because she has BPD. Or listen to her when she says she just needs time and space, and to keep hanging out with her, having amazing sex, and then feeling miserable when I'm not with her. Please help guys!! Thanks. I don't know who else has experienced a love with a psycho ***** BPD-waif, but it isn't fun.


Sorry this is so long, but this story has literally been abridged like 95%.

 

[Die Hard]

Hey, Pianoguy. I was trying to send you a private message but I don't see that option so you probably have that disabled?

 

[PianoGuy33]

Oh okay, let me try and enable it, thanks.

 

[Die Hard]

Click "User CP" at the top left of the screen, then go to "edit options"

 

[PianoGuy33]

Hey Die Hard, when I try and send you a private message, it says my account does not have sufficient privileges, I can't find a setting to turn on private messaging.

 

[PianoGuy33]

Sorry man, this is going to sound dumb, but that's where I am, and there is just no option for enable private messaging, there's only options for enable administrative emails and enable emails from other members.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

There are excellent resources and stickies on this site about BPDs and their associated madness.

You're going to have to forget the animalistic, wild sex sessions, otherwise you'll lose your brain and turn into a vegetable.

If she is BPD:

"THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO 'HELP' HER."

Repeat that and leave forever.

You cannot change her.

 

[glass half full]

BPD or not, you should stay away. Women like this can make a man crazy.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she only wants to act like it when we are together, but still not be together. I am so confused...

BPD is a need to re-experience traumatic childhood abandonment in all interpersonal relationships. She can't love you if you are fully hers. She wants you to be just on the edge of obtainable and always halfway abandoning her. Otherwise, she will have to completely drive you away in order to feel that abandonment. She can't live without that abandonment feeling; it will control her. For these reasons, BPD girls are often a mistress or 'other woman.' They want the man they can't quite have.

Everyone else will tell you to run away. The only advice I will give you is to learn about the disorder, so that you understand the things she does. When you can see that it's the disorder making her say she does not love you, it will make it a lot easier for you to deal with.

There is no "happily ever after" with a BPD girl. You can keep her in your life and keep having sex with her, but she's never going to be a faithful wife, at least for very long. The disorder makes it nearly impossible. Some BPDs can be helped with therapy, but that requires admitting they have BPD, which just about never happens. The typical pattern is that a guy will listen to his friends and 'dump that crazy b!tch,' but then all other women will seem boring by comparison, so he goes back to the BPD off & on, which is exactly the quasi-abandonment scenario that she craves.

 

[PianoGuy33]

Thanks guys, I read lessons 20-25, and it was all very helpful. I know that this girl is not good for me, and as far as my future, I know I would much rather work on developing myself as a person, and eventually find a healthy woman to connect with. I definitely feel like I have been trading my sanity for the sex. I have gotten her to entertain the idea that she has BPD and abandonment issues. For example, one time we watched a video of Dumbo the animated movie about an elephant on youtube. When the baby elephants mom was taken away by the circus runners, my exBPD just burst into tears out of nothing! just because she saw this cartoon elephants mother being taken away. Fear of abandonment was written all over it. She is in therapy but she told me her therapist says she isn't sure if she has BPD!? even though I talked to her parents about it too, and both her parents are psychologists and they confirmed with me that she has BPD. Also Bible_Belts info was completely accurate. She tells me that she misses me all week and would rather just sit there and cry all day and miss me instead of calling me, wtf... It's like she would rather feel pain than pleasure. I know I have to move on, and forget her, run away from her because she is bad news, it is just hard to say goodbye to something you thought was real.

 

[sodbuster]

It wasn't real. You "thought" with your little head,not the one with a brain in it.

 

[PeakIV]

You either ‘pull the escape cord’ or you condemn yourself to a life of misery. Even during the despair stage, you may still have moments when you want to cling to your BPD

. This is normal. You’ve been made to feel you could not possibly cope in the outside world without your BPD girl, but you can. At this stage of the journey, you MUST get outside help.

Friends, family, neighbours, it doesn’t matter. Reach out. Your BPD girl is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still she will not release you from their clutches. There will be the odd moment of attempted emotional blackmail, but you have to remain strong.

In order to escape a BPD girl, you MUST get into the driving seat. Your BPD will do all she can to put obstacles in your way, but you have to just put your head down and roll with the punches.

Even if your BPD girl is not an axe wielding maniac by now , don’t underestimate how dangerous she can be to your long term well being. Get the hell out, as fast as you can. Go as far away as possible, and DO NOT look back.......

 

[PeakIV]

it is just hard to say goodbye to something you thought was real.

The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion. There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage.

You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases.

This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your BPD's life.

 

[Atom Smasher]

PianoGuy,

You need to have a certain number of posts on the forum before messaging enables. I' pretty sure the number is 10.

After that, you'll be able to PM all you want. Spam control.

Atom

 

[Atom Smasher]

Also, I had to move your thread out of Mature Man because you're under age 25.

Do what the guys said and read the BPD threads. You'll know exactly what's going on once you do that.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Also, I had to move your thread out of Mature Man because you're under age 25.

Do what the guys said and read the BPD threads. You'll know exactly what's going on once you do that.

Good job keeping things tidy, I noticed that re the MM forum

 

[PianoGuy33]

Ya, Mauser96, You're right. I can already begin to feel all of the things you mentioned just by knowing I'm still keeping her in my life. I think its time that I tell her I cannot see her anymore, but I just don't know when the perfect time to tell her is. She invited me to hang out with her tonight for new years, and I already said that I may. I just feel so terrible telling someone who feels like that all the time that I can't see them anymore, and making her feel more miserable than she already does. I feel miserable too, but for me I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Do you guys think I should just break it off with her now myself, or just wait until she begins to push me away again, which may be a week or less or more, and then that time I can just stay away and not go back. I just feel like if I leave her I may end up feeling regret, but if she leaves me, then it will just be easier to move on. I know I have to start healing myself from this emotionally damaged woman. I just don't know where the best place to start is, because we are currently on good terms, and she is inviting me to hang out with her a lot, even though we are not officially together.

 

[ScottMustaine]

Don't hang around her. She will try to make you jealous etc to feed her ego.

You're busy, 'going out with someone'.

THAT'S IT. Don't tell her whether it's a girl or not.

If she sees you with some chick. BONUS POINTS.

It will hurt her AS HELL.


Just don't go back to her !!!

 

[jay07]

man i had a bpd ex and was in a similar situation.

Let me tell you these chicks are not like normal chicks. Your normal game that plays into their head does not.

Do not tell her you can not hang out with her because you still have feelings, lets be honest, you only want to say it because you are hoping she says she still has them too. And you know what, she does, but BPD chicks have coping mechanisms that allow them to totally bottle their feelings for you deep in their brain. So she might "seem" like shes over you, but in fact, she is not. In order to get over someone you need to grieve, they can not do this due to their emotional level. So one day something will remind her of you, or her bf will break up with her, and she will begin the grieving process of you, only it only stays in the first stage. Then when somebody else gives her validation, she will once again bottle it up.

Go NC for yourself, im not gonna lie its been almost two months NC and i still think about her, some days are better than others, but im at a point now where im not depressed about it, when i think of her im not sad, im angry at myself for allowing her bullcrap.

Going NC is not going to make a BPD ex want you back like it does normal chicks, so do not do it for that reason. She will come back to you once her new bf sees how crazy she is and knows your an easy target.

Im surprised you even got this type of closure out of her. Usually, BPD chicks do not give you closure because-
a) They are ashamed of themselves
b) They feel like closure would help you move on for good, and they dont want that. They secretely feel like by going NC on you means they are still in some secret relationship with you so when things go sour they still have you.
and C) giving closure makes them feel like they will be alone forever

Flake on this girl tonight even if it means you spend NYE alone. She might think of what your doing but honestly probably not, BPD chicks are not normal. She will be in the moment with another guy tonight when your not there. If she is truely BPD that is. So put your feelings aside because you know it is never going to work out with her, better start now. Yes, she may be with another guy tonight, so do not hang out with her to prevent that from happening, because if shes BPD, and she said your her "Friend", she will be all over that other guy even with you there, and it will hurt worse, and start a fight.

If your ex is anything like mine, she was always trying to get attention from other guys even in front of me when we went out, openly flirting. Now, magnitize this been 10x now that you both know your not in a relationship. And god forbid if you hit on a girl in front of her, or even talk to another girl in front of her. Your in for a world of hurt if you continue hanging out with her my dude. Give it two months NC and you will not care who shes with anymore. She will never be successful at relationships and will only ruin every friendship/relationship she ever has. Let that be closure enough.

 

[PianoGuy33]

Thanks guys! I think I'm truly done, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Unfortunately, NC is not really going to work since we are scheduled to be working in the same group for a big school project next semester. It's going to be really hard to not try and go back to her. It sucks, but I know I gotta do it. I'm gonna continue to read up on BPD on the forums to try and convince myself that it was all make believe. She still tells me that I'm the only man for her, even though she dosn't want a relationship right now. She tells me that she's exclusive for me too, but it's just too confusing, I dk. I think I just need to move on, but it is just hard. Thanks for all the help guys, I really appreciate it, and it is seriously helping a ton.