Please help me understand why my GF of 2+ years broke it off

[oldspice891]

This is long but I would really appreciate your input.

GF was my first sexual partner + first real gf. We are best friends. Love and care for each other so much. I'm 25 and she is turning 24. Lost my virginity at 23. Had a history of ED that prevented me from losing it sooner.

I'm her longest/most serious/most meaningful relationship. She had been with around 9-10 guys before me (Don't know how valid that is)

We lived in California and she just got a job in New York for a 6 month program. We went one month long term, then on a visit to NY, we had a TON of fun, but got into one argument about our future that may have ruined everything. I emotionally lost my cool in this.

Basically, I've been hesitant to want to move in together in the past. However, recently I have changed my mind and said I would if she respected that I needed space for hours every other day or so to do my own thing.

She is upset because she doesn't feel happy knowing she's my first and feels I don't know any better. I am not meeting her need in that sense, one of which I have no control over. I understand you must meet her needs for it to continue. She has expressed this is the only need met...apparently (not that I am aware of any others in our moments of brutal honesty)

So when I express my love in words, it doesn't hold with as much conviction in comparison to if I had been with other girls. But I've told her many times how much I love her and how happy she makes me and I SHOW it, but she keeps fixating on the fact that she is my first.

So, she wants to split up and essentially wants me to meet other girlsand she "MIGHT" meet other guys if it so happens to. Load of BS. It pisses me off because she says she is doing this for us but WHY does she want to potentially **** other guys then? I told her to fess up if she is not feeling it and just wants to **** other dudes that is fine, but she kept admitting she loves me and it's for us. We were pretty honest in our talk so I don't know.

Before this weekend, she kept saying she misses me and wants to just go home to be with me. But now she is so sure on us breaking up.

I cant wrap my head around her reasoning. We are so happy and love and care for eachother so much and are best friends, why she would want to throw that away because in her mind, I am her first, that somehow negates everything?!

Of course we cried and I tried to convince her otherwise, but you can't argue with a woman. So I know at this point, it is best to just try to let it go, and pull back.

We've both gained a little weight (me 30, her like 5-10), but still generally look very presentable and attractive. She used to have a 6 pack and flat abs so her gain she still looks sexy. She said my weight gain didn't bother her because she still really loves me but I know that has to be a factor. On our weekend together, we still had sex and had a lot of fun after our relationship breaking argument.

1) What is the real reasoning here? What is going on here that I am missing?
2) On our phone call we ended, I did sound kind of bitter bringing up the whole her being with guys thing again. Should I apologize for that and end with the good lucks/love you or just let that go?

Thank you.

 

[crazyboy]

Sigh. Okay sometimes relationship run there course and she actually doing you a favor. I mean this is your first gf and sexual relationship and you dont really have much to compare it to. Honestly thats fine but you would be fine, you will find another woman you love or may realize since she was your first you fell for her because of your lack option and experience.


Now lets get to root of the problem crying with her because a break up doesn't help your case her wanting to stay. You're not meeting her need because women like a man who all the option in the world but chose her. On the other hand you had no option and ended up with her. The only reason you change your mind move in, because she probably threaten to leave you. Most women know that men would needs some alone time or man time or whatever.

Yep she gave you good lucks and good bye and this is done. Do you what you got to do to get over this break up. It just ran it course. Also asking a woman the real reason is always a waste of time. You rarely would get it. Do your best to let it go and remember the memories stay in shape and meet other women.

 

[Kailex]

Oh brother, my best bet is that she probably cheated on you while she was in NYC and that's why she is saying she wants you to go see other guys... it's just GUILT.

And if she hasn't... she's already thought about it. So her way of dealing with the guilt is to shift it towards you. In her mind, whatever she did or wants to do is okay as long as we shift it to where YOU want to go out and try other women.

She's not doing it for "us"... she's doing it for "HER". Realize that. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her and what she's feeling/thinking.

Quite honestly, I'd take this chance to just distance myself from this girl FOREVER. It's not often men get a free pass to get out of a relationship like this.

And you gaining 30 pounds to her 5-10 means YOU got comfortable. She is now in a place where there are TONS of men that are keeping their stuff together. Congratulations, not only are you in an LDR, but you are competing with a city full of men that she's now been thrust into.

Dude, just let it go. If you NEED to say anything, just say, "You're right, this was nice while it lasted. Good luck with your life." Move on. Closure is a fallacy anyway and I bet she can't wait to stop feeling guilty about the guy she either wants to bang or that she already did.

You are 25... the best is yet to come.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Her excuse is complete bvllsht. She's just trying to let you down easy.
She's in one of the world's biggest, most exciting cities full of hot guys spitting game at her and she wants a piece of it.
She wants to experience every up and down - including fvcking other guys.
It truly sucks, man. We've all been there and no matter which way you look at it, it just doesn't make sense.

Her fvcked up chick-logic of letting you go to experience other women is nothing more than her rationalisation hamster convincing her this is the best way to break up with you.
As my sig says (stolen from someone else), "hamsters run best in silence".
NEVER a truer sentence has been spoken.

Honestly, for your own sake, wish her well (you should just go complete ghost, but I know you won't do that) and don't contact her again.
Remember that she will probably try to reach out to you to see if you're ok, but DO NOT respond.
This isn't to hurt her, it's to help you heal.

Look up threads on going NC and drink in all their teachings. It was two years ago that I experienced the power of NC for myself and I can't advocate it enough.

And try not to waste emotional energy on dwelling on her actions. Think of it as her setting you free to become a better man, one who a girl would rather die for than leave. This is the first day of your new life.
It will be one of the toughest things you will do in your life but try to stay strong in the downtimes and know that each day, things will get a little bit better.

Make sure you stay busy with working out, hobbies, work or whatever. Sitting at home alone will only make it harder to forget her.
Good luck and know that we're all here to help if you need encouragement.

 

[zekko]

We are so happy and love and care for eachother so much and are best friends

You need to get this idea out of your head because it isn't true. This is the way you view the relationship, but very clearly she doesn't share your viewpoint. In other words, the ideal girl she is in your head isn't who she is in real life.

Long story short, she's turned off because your aren't experienced, and because she is much more experienced than you are. Women want a guy who is worldly, who knows more than she does, and has options.

Forget this woman, it isn't going to work out. And in the future, don't admit to other women how inexperienced you are. Although they may sniff it out anyway. Best thing to do is go get that experience, go find some other women to go out with.

You have to love that "I have to bang other dudes for the sake of our relationship" business. Lol, now I've heard everything.

 

[Demodulate]

She thinks she can do better than you now... You need to let her go and start working on improving yourself.

Its tough to hear, but thats the truth...

 

[MtnMan]

She thinks she can do better than you now... You need to let her go and start working on improving yourself.

Its tough to hear, but thats the truth...

Agree, went through a similar situation myself. And she was right, she probably could do better for herself. I let my game down, my style go, and put no effort into making myself attractive to women because I already had one. When I got off my arse, started looking good, going out, traveling and having fun again, I started winning her back. The best part is, I didn't want her back at that point, because I wanted to do better.

I think that is your end goal, to get over her, and realize this is a growth opportunity that you should be happy for. It doesn't feel that way now, but if you put in the work, you will start to see what I mean over the next 6 months or so.

 

[The Duke]

Oldspice-
Kailex provided you the real answer. I've been in your shoes before. I've had this happen to friends of mine. This is exactly whats going on:

Oh brother, my best bet is that she probably cheated on you while she was in NYC and that's why she is saying she wants you to go see other guys... it's just GUILT.

And if she hasn't... she's already thought about it. So her way of dealing with the guilt is to shift it towards you. In her mind, whatever she did or wants to do is okay as long as we shift it to where YOU want to go out and try other women.

She's not doing it for "us"... she's doing it for "HER". Realize that. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her and what she's feeling/thinking.

Quite honestly, I'd take this chance to just distance myself from this girl FOREVER. It's not often men get a free pass to get out of a relationship like this.

 

[dasein]

OP, you are asking the wrong question. The right question is "how can I move forward to the better future as quickly as possible?"

Some great advice and analysis in the thread. Because you are inexperienced, will go over some basics you must adopt to keep sane in future dealings with women.

1. When they say "date other people," "break," "breakup," "slow down," whatever gears the relationship down or ends it, there-is-only-one-response, there is only one response. There is only one response (sink in yet?)

"You're right. I agree."

That's it, then you shut up entirely and don't say -anything- else other than to agree with them in different words, "I know, it's for the best, I agree." Don't get angry, moody, pouty, cry, beg, argue, debate, negotiate, whine, NONE of that. Just "You're right, I agree." Repeat this over and over in variable, even-tempered language, it is crucial in dealing with women, keeping your sanity, keeping your emotional and psychological health.

The reason it is crucial is that everything you say at this stage otherwise is an ego killer, progress speed bump. You will regret every Email, word, tear, paper trail post breakup down the road, every single one. Trust me. If you can limit the interaction to the above repetitive sentiment, you keep self-respect, she respects you, you heal faster and get back to "next" without rebounding.

2, Next step is a mantra that will be extremely difficult to use correctly, but will get easier with practice. At every instance when you feel down, reflective on the breakup, what she did, what you did, her issues, your issues, you must repeat the following as a mantra over and over. The mantra is "I'm free!" Over and over. It's a joy to be free, a joy to have the future ahead. Never forget this. You use this mantra to block out the endless soppy pity party of going over and over again how, who, why, what? If "I'm free!" doesn't work, visualize an image of a dog vomiting up some rotted, stinky carcass, walking away for a minute, then turning around, going back and eating up that nasty, maggoty carcass again. Because that's what you are doing. When you rehash and replay that breakup over and over, you ARE that dog eating that carcass. Taste good? Isn't there something else you'd rather be eating? Like a new piece of leg?

Every breakup I've ever had, every single one, looking back at it a couple years down the road to "what became of that one?" I am literally ECSTATIC not to be with that woman now. Mostly this feeling was due to improving myself and rating better women. Every time, I wouldn't even DATE that woman again, she's simply not at my level any more, certainly not put up with her crap and get emotionally involved. Right now you think this woman was perfect for you, the grief hides all her flaws, you'll never get another one. You will get another one. But man, she went off you the very first instant she got the chance, the VERY INSTANT she got a view of the bigger world out there, she was done with you. Is that what you want to be with when life gets tough? She did you a favor and now "You're free!"

3. Stay active. Don't sit around. Get out of the house. Generate a huge appetite and then fill it with real food, not junk. You have an opportunity to come out of this much better off than you have ever been. Use that negative energy to propel yourself out of the chair, out of the house and into the rest of your life.

4. No Contact. Read guides here, not going to go into what's out there on NC other than to say you WILL regret EVERY single contact after a breakup, even if it leads to getting laid. Every contact will slow your healing and keep you from getting back out there and getting what you want.

That's enough for now, remember "I agree," "I'm free!" NC. Those three things will take you far in dealing with fickle women. This is all basic stuff, more experienced guys here just ignore it LOL, but OP, since this was your first, learn it, repeat it, live it. Good luck.

 

[oldspice891]

Wow these have been great responses. Thank you a bunch guys. It is definitely helping me come to grips with the situation and logically what went exactly went wrong. This is all going to help me a lot to move on.

My last point is, she said that her main need is that I don't have experience with other women so I can't truly know she is great for me. I mean, does this really matter if I'm making her so happy (supposedly) and showing so much love and caring. How much more do I have to tell her I'm in love with her and we make eachother happy? Does it come down to what crazyboy said where women want a man with options/has had options. But who cares if this man can make you happy like no other guy can (supposedly).

I know you guys are saying she is bored and over it, but her actions when we were together suggested otherwise. We were inseparable and just so happy, like highschool lovebirds.

Oh brother, my best bet is that she probably cheated on you while she was in NYC and that's why she is saying she wants you to go see other guys... it's just GUILT.

And if she hasn't... she's already thought about it. So her way of dealing with the guilt is to shift it towards you. In her mind, whatever she did or wants to do is okay as long as we shift it to where YOU want to go out and try other women.

This is why I've been so confused. When we fought, that is when our issue was brought up and she was snapped out of it? That's why it's possible if she found someone else, but I feel like when we met up I would have sensed her being distant somehow and awkward (you know in your gut when something is off), but it wasn't like that at all. We were just in love and having the most amazing time (if you can imagine that holding hands, constantly kissing each other, laughing, etc type vibe).

 

[MtnMan]

Oldspice, Its not about her needing you to have more experience with other women, that is her hamster talking. Never listen to the hamster, it talks $hit 100% of the time.

She does not see you as higher value than her anymore, and that has caused her to lose attraction. Its brutal man, I know it from personal experience. But its the truth. Read up on Hypergamy, there is lots written on it on this site, in "The Rational Male" and on Rollo's blog. I suspect this is 100% hypergamy at work here.

The solution? Be higher value for real. But avoid the temptation to use that to get her back, that well is poisoned.

Use this great opportunity in life to learn how to get with women. Experiment with different types, collect some notches. This is a blessing in disguise if you so choose to take the necessary steps.

I am right in the middle of this myself, and starting to see some fruits of my labor. I can feel the chains from my old LTR falling off, I can see my skill at dealing with women increasing, and I am actually having some girls initiating with me (this almost never happened in my life before).

Being better with women and having options is something every man should experience.

Godspeed.

 

[Kailex]

I know you guys are saying she is bored and over it, but her actions when we were together suggested otherwise. We were inseparable and just so happy, like highschool lovebirds.

Keyword: WERE.
And that's how she is thinking about it... past tense. If you ARE inseparable, and she truly believed that... she wouldn't be suggesting you go out with other girls. Trust me, she's not being nice by allowing you a 5 month hall pass, this is all about her. She's masking it as if it were for you. It's not.

A woman who is 100% committed to her current situation with a man, does not allow her man to have options... she just wants a man who COULD have options, but that chooses to be with her.

This is why I've been so confused. When we fought, that is when our issue was brought up and she was snapped out of it? That's why it's possible if she found someone else, but I feel like when we met up I would have sensed her being distant somehow and awkward (you know in your gut when something is off), but it wasn't like that at all. We were just in love and having the most amazing time (if you can imagine that holding hands, constantly kissing each other, laughing, etc type vibe).

All I drew from that is that she learned how to be a really great actress while in NYC. You said she's had experience before with other men... then she probably knows how to play the game way, way better than you are giving her credit for.

I know this is hard because she's your first... but from everything you have told us... make absolutely sure that she isn't your last. Move on, brother, move on.

She already has.

 

[DonGorgon]

she got bored of you... am guessing you were not able too satisfy her sexually also you sound too emotional.. you ned a more innocent quiet typo female who wants love over sex..

 

[stephenbaldwin]

There's a lot of fantastic advice given on this thread. You guys are top notch.

To the OP, I understand it is damn near impossible to be objective but that's exactly what you have to do. Time will tell. You will be a better person. If you exercise regularly, and focus on your unfulfilled dreams you will become better than her and more importantly a better version than yourself.

Exercise, travel to cities/countries you've never been but have always wanted to see. You're a good person and you will win. Like anything valuable, it takes hard work. The more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in combat.

I'd just like to say that this site can be excellent resource (has been for me) and there are several of us who've been through the fire and made it back. You're not a real man until you've had your heart broken by a woman so think of this as a right of passage.

 

[Colossus]

She's not doing it for "us"... she's doing it for "HER". Realize that. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her and what she's feeling/thinking

Great replies here, that's what makes this board worthwhile. Helping real dudes with real problems.

OldSpice, the quote above is the core truth of your situation. Like the others have said, her "reasoning" is just an excuse to let you down easy, because she probably doesn't want to hurt you too severely, albeit in her own irrational girly way.

It sounds like this girl had no problems with you being her first up until she moved to NYC. As soon as I read that I knew it was over for you. Long distance relationships are hard and inadvisable to begin with, let alone having your girl move to NYC where there is more competition than anywhere else.

I think once she moved to NYC (and probably before), you began to lose value in her eyes. She likely found a new prospect out there, and her breakup was just a way to assuage her guilt before it became too much to bear. This really is about HER and HER feelings, not you. It sucks man, I know. It hurts big time. It may SEEM like she just did a 180 in the blink of an eye, but there is always more to the story when you have a discerning eye. All of us basically had the same instant analysis of your situation and we dont even know you.


So---what are you to do? If you keep getting the same unbiased advice from different guys, it's probably the RIGHT advice. I would keep contact to a bare minimum, dont tell her how you are feeling, and then cut contact altogether. I know it's sad man, super sad, but you'll get over it. I promise.

Get back into the gym and start fresh. Start reading up on game and dating. The best part is she is half a continent away so you don't have to see her. You will get down at times, but remember this: Do you REALLY want to go back to a girl who broke up with you on some thin pretext like that? What do you think you could gain? Nothing. Even if she took you back, that's the equivalent of soul castration. You'd be a d1ckless, spineless wimp.

It's over, my friend. O-V-E-R. Take a deep breath, and set your sights on the horizon in front of you. The best is yet to come.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Never treat a girlfriend like a real friend, you cannot be so frank and honest with any woman you want to keep around.

If your female for any reason moves away from you part of the reason is that she lost interest. A woman will guard a man she desires like a pit bull. And will never leave, she will exist tied to a post on your bed if she could.

The stuff about experience is nonsense. She is just blaming her loss of interest on you. She knows you are a great guy and is ashamed of not feeling attracted to you.

She acts like she loves you when you are around because women do that. Women are emotional beings, she can be that way with you then go out with some other dude the next day with the same stars in her eyes and tell him he's the best too. Remember for women affection is tied to your status, for men affection is tied to the woman. The same loss of interest you would feel if your girl stopped bathing and got fat and nasty, she feels when you go AFC on her and start crying. It's like that plain and simple.

Right now she is evaluating your value as a man to her and if you can lead her life into a successful future. The data she is using is provided by your relationship. You are handling your relationship horribly. So therefore she thinks you would handle your marriage and future together horribly. See how this works? She lost faith in you so she moved away to forge a future for herself in part because she does not think you can do it.

You need to stand up, stop being so emotional. And treat her in a way that would define you and how you want your future to be. Are you going to be a strong man? or a weak one? Well then start acting like a strong man. Are you going to be a man that cries? Do you want to be valued for your strength or for your ability to experience emotions that make you cry? Focus on strength then. Why even tell a girl she was your first? what are you hoping to accomplish? To create a special bond with her?

She likes you dude, but what she is really on the fence about is if you are going to be a strong man or an emotional loving man.

Right now the best thing you can do is to tell her you are going to see other people and that the relationship is not making you happy anymore. And if she comes back into your life stop being so emotional with her. Buy her a cat or something if she needs that.

Stop giving a sh1t!!!!!

 

[Frogster]

Agree with the rest of the posters.

My advice would be "Don't look for a relationship". Bang a few girls, and you'll be over her. By banging more women, you'll come to realize they aren't "Special" and by embracing this challenge, you will be approaching them with an Alpha mentality. Then before you know it, you're in a LTR.

Your value will continue to increase, and if your EX is about your age, she's already declining in value.

Work on self improvement. Join a gym. Work on your career. Exmand your social circle by joining a club, or learn to dance.

Physical Appearance, Social Circle, and Economic Stability are all attractive to women.

 

[oldspice891]

Oldspice, Its not about her needing you to have more experience with other women.

She does not see you as higher value than her anymore, and that has caused her to lose attraction.

Ahhh, you're right.

Do you REALLY want to go back to a girl who broke up with you on some thin pretext like that? What do you think you could gain? Nothing. Even if she took you back, that's the equivalent of soul castration. You'd be a d1ckless, spineless wimp.

Damn. You're right.

If your female for any reason moves away from you part of the reason is that she lost interest. A woman will guard a man she desires like a pit bull. And will never leave, she will exist tied to a post on your bed if she could.

The stuff about experience is nonsense. She is just blaming her loss of interest on you. She knows you are a great guy and is ashamed of not feeling attracted to you.

Right now she is evaluating your value as a man to her and if you can lead her life into a successful future. The data she is using is provided by your relationship. You are handling your relationship horribly. So therefore she thinks you would handle your marriage and future together horribly. See how this works? She lost faith in you so she moved away to forge a future for herself in part because she does not think you can do it.

This is golden. Woman guarding her man like a pit bull (I agree) and the experience response she gave to me IS nonsense. I agree with what you are saying.

I want to thank each and every one of you. Everything that has been said by each poster has been internalized and has been excellent advice. I was pretty emotional in how I created this thread, but have done a lot of reflection and have learned A LOT in what you guys have been telling me and ready to move forward.

This forum helped me from becoming a socially awkward guy years ago to let alone getting a very attractive girlfriend. Thanks guys.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Old Spice,
Well that's the luck of the draw...she found someone she thinks is a better deal than you...happens to the best of us...Word of advice from a fool..Slide out amicably,no begging or bad feelings,she too may get the chop later, so be prepared....next time let her back as a plate only...He laughs loudest who laughs Last!

 

[sodbuster]

My cousin {a lawyer} had an argument with his wife about 4 years ago and she suggested a trial separation. He told her "separations are for puzzies, I'll bring home the divorce papers tomorrow".... They are still married.

As long as you have balls and pass her tests... there won't be many. IF you had slept with 30 women... had 30 women want you and she knew you could replace her TOMORROW, she'll be much more careful.