Plate Stood Me Up

[sazc]

One said you were 12 and no one said your relationship was doomed. But if you never went through limerence with your current BF science says the chances the relationship will fail goes up dramatically. Sorry that is a fact, it is an important part of the bonding process.

Congrats on 2 years, but I have underwear older than that.

lol. maybe it's just that we are older, both have kids, homes, full time jobs, etc. We really dont have the time to focus on someone else with that kind of a passion and fervor.
We are committed to the relationship and have already discussed working on it so that it continues to grow and evolve over the next 6 years, so that when his last one graduates, it's all still good between us, and we can move onto the next step.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Bullsh!t and you know it, the intital stages of romantic attraction is limerence and it is completely normal in initial romantic situations, if you didn't react like this with your boy friend I am afraid to tell you that you will lose interest in him and move on.:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Without this phase effective long term bonding is difficult to create. If you are looking for a long term relationship and your girl is not acting like this your chances of making the LTR work will be difficutl if not impossible.

After reading the article Limerence is part of the initial pair-forming (the crush or infatuation stage) but doesn't play a role in long term pair bonding. In fact there needs to be a break down of the limerent stage for genuine long-term affection to develop.

I have had relationships based on infatuation and relationships based on affection. Infatuation makes you all the things the manosphere warns us against, needy, over-invested, pedestaling women, subservient etc etc.

A relationship based on affection can still be passionate and exciting. The difference is you are still capable of rational thought. The other difference for me is that relationships based on affection seem to endure. I have been friends for 25 yrs with women I was in an affectionate relationship with.
YMMV.

A sexual relationship without affection is just w-nking using someone else's body.

 

[sazc]

After reading the article Limerence is part of the initial pair-forming (the crush or infatuation stage) but doesn't play a role in long term pair bonding. In fact there needs to be a break down of the limerent stage for genuine long-term affection to develop.

I have had relationships based on infatuation and relationships based on affection. Infatuation makes you all the things the manosphere warns us against, needy, over-invested, pedestaling women, subservient etc etc.

A relationship based on affection can still be passionate and exciting. The difference is you are still capable of rational thought. The other difference for me is that relationships based on affection seem to endure. I have been friends for 25 yrs with women I was in an affectionate relationship with.
YMMV.

A sexual relationship without affection is just w-nking using someone else's body.

ha ha, I remember distinctly when he dedicated a particular song to me - I cant remember the song but it had to do with wanting me to want him (secksually). And I dedicated taylor swift 'blank space' to him, telling him I was excited to see if we were going to be left breathless, or with a nasty scar.

We definitely had an infatuation period - where we projected the perfect person onto each other. Then came the post-infatuation period, where we admitted we were not those people, we battled a bit about that, and then we faced who we really were and what we needed as individuals. Now we are working together to make it work out. You cant be over infatuated when you get older and have shiz to do. You'll lose your job and/or neglect your life if you do that. (plus, that's totally not DJ)

what I dont understand is why everything has to be lumped into "if you are not X" "if you are not doing Y" you are wrong, you are doomed. Why no variations? Life is really all about grey. Take the rules, exercise them and work with what you get back.

 

[BeTheChange]

You don't know what BPD is. It is among the most over-used descriptions of female behavior on this forum. Limerence is a short term bio-chemical response in human beings and it's completely normal. It does not last, therefor it can not be considered a borderline personality disorder. BPD is a chronic condition.

I certainly do know what BPD is but you have a point. I think the emphasis here is really on short term.

 

[bigneil]

I've had women do some pretty outrageous things like cheat with exes during this period when they were fawning over me, even non-cluster B's.

Yes, this is simply when their oneitis comes back before they transfer their feelings to you. This is when they go cold even though you did (most) everything right.

 

[RangerMIke]

I certainly do know what BPD is but you have a point. I think the emphasis here is really on short term.

You are right I wasn't being fair by suggesting you didn't know.

The important thing to note is that you should always compare what people are doing against typical behavior, especially for women, because you have to evaluate her by her actions, not what she says. If she isn't lusting after you and a little bit obsessive when you first start seeing her, TYPICALLY it is not a good sign for a LTR. If it goes on too long THEN you know you have a BPD. It is possible that women can mask limerence, or even FAKE limerence, I've seen both before, but you have to pay attention to little things that slip out. Understand that a women that tries to hide her true feelings is not going to be a woman that will let herself go with you and it will be A LOT of work dating her. So the behavior is everything.....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Fwiw I agree with you...the "normal" version vs cluster B version distinction is that there is more lying and mirroring by the cluster B, as well as all other factors being more extreme.

It's a lot of lying...

I also take limerence with a grain of salt as in I view it as a sign that they value you but I don't view it as substantive AND I don't know that women do either...I've had women do some pretty outrageous things like cheat with exes during this period when they were fawning over me, even non-cluster B's.

Man they are just some wild animals.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I spend some time dating and getting to know the person and then, if I/we feel good about the match, I have 'the talk' before sex happens. That's just what works for me. I've had plenty of men leave at that point, "too soon for the talk" etc, and I respect that, but I also realize I am better off if this is what occurs.

I'm curious what exactly is 'the talk' before sex happens? Are you asking for commitment or just verify that you are monogamous while dating.

 

[sazc]

I'm curious what exactly is 'the talk' before sex happens? Are you asking for commitment or just verify that you are monogamous while dating.

Lol, I can only speak for myself essentially I asked for monogamy but I did it in a very (girly) cute way and said (before we did the deed) " so were definitely "going steady"? This is just a " you and me" situation? Were not going to see anyone else?"

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Yeah OP 80-100 days sounds about right. Woman that are into YOU make it easier. It doesn't sound like she put in much effort into seducing you. Instead she just complained you weren't giving her enough attention. I don't what the know the frequency was but 1x a week in the 80-100 range is just fwb. Sounds like she sensed that and ejected. In the end she matched your effort and hence the stalemate.