Modern Man Advice
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2021
- Messages
- 1,483
- Reaction score
- 2,607
Sucks you have to go through that, but it happens. And often happens for a reason, not just at the root of why it happened but also because if it weren't for experiences like these we wouldn't grow and become stronger.Hi Everyone,
Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...
Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.
I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.
What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...
This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.
She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.
The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.
Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...
The main thing to do is to be patient with yourself. It'll take time regardless of whether you decide to work on the relationship or move on. Either way, it will take time. So have realistic expectations about that.
Secondly, if you really want our advice. Move on.
You see, respect and trust take so much and so long to build. They are also so foundational and critical to any LTR. However, it takes a second to lose them. In your case, more than a second over a period of time makes respect and trust so broken beyond repair. She disrespected you, and doubt you trust her right now. Or will ever again if we are being honest.
Trust is not something you just earn, it is built over time. But it is so fragile.
Be realistic about that. If you are to continue together and she "earns" your trust, what would that look like? Is it even possible? Will it be highly conditional trust given the past?
These questions make it harder, because you love her and care about her but you love yourself first, don't you?
Taking your time will be your best ally here, don't rush into getting back with her or even talking to her. It's too recent and you are obviously still hurt.
Hope this helps,
Modern Man Advice
Last edited: