Women would rather share a successful Man than be attached to a faithful loser - Pook
The Cardinal Rule of Relationships
In any relationship, whether romantic, personal, business or familial, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.
It's odd that this should come up today as it's my 13th wedding anniversary with my wife. One of the most common things I'm asked on SS is "how do you keep the marriage fresh Rollo?" Among my responses to this is usually how, contrary to the advice column Oprah-standard answer, a good relationship should be effortless. All of this "marriage is a constant work" is bullsh!t meant to keep a husband in a constant state of qualifying for his wife's intimacy intended for her long term frame retention. Women in marriage and LTRs want to push past that competition anxiety, they want security, not just financial, but emotional and the security that comes from knowing they are the only source of sex & intimacy for their spouse/partner.
One of the reasons sexual frequency declines for women after a romantic commitment is that the urgency of sex that was necessary prior to the commitment is replaced with the agency of sex being a reward / reinforcer within that LTR. In single, uncommitted, non-exclusive life, sex, while being very enjoyable, becomes a proving ground for most women. In essence, it's the free samples before the buy, and its urgency is fueled not only by (hopefully) genuine attraction, but also the at least subconscious knowing that they are in a sexual marketplace of competition. It's one of the few times when a woman must qualify for a man's approval. And admittedly, most men are so sex-deprived or so inexperienced early on in life that the sell is usually not a tough one for her. However, on some level of consciousness she is aware that she could be replaced by a better competitor.
This then is the contrast for committed sexual interaction. The dynamic now shifts from qualification sex to utility sex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, sex is still enjoyable, it can still be passionate, and she can definitely want it, but the impetus shifts. Sex is now a tool. In her uncommitted sex life it was a tool for qualification; in her LTR life it's a tool for compliance. This is pretty obvious, and it may be more or less extreme depending upon the woman's disposition or how important a particular issue is to her, but make no mistake, there isn't a woman on the planet who doesn't take her sexual agency into account when dealing with her LTR / husband. That agency may be more or less valuable - dependent upon her looks, demeanor, sexual availability, etc. - in comparison to the man she's paired with.
And this is where the Cardinal Rule of Relationships plays in. This is the constant interplay of vying for who is more dependent upon the other. Women have for the past 50+ years made a concerted effort, and using social conventions, to establish their sexuality as the end-all for men in power. Vagina = Authority and this is what all too many men parrot back and self-reinforce. "Change, do it, sublimate your desires, or there wont be any nookie for you tonight mister!" And on the surface it seems intuitive to 'keep the peace' and finish all the things on her honey-do list in the hopes that she'll recover even a fraction of the desire she had when you were single, childless and getting blow jobs in the car after a date because she couldn't wait to get home to ƒuck you.
Well LTR gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that, yes, you do in fact have an intrinsic upper hand in this regard if you're fearless and willing to exercise your power. What I described in the last paragraph seems to be the most intuitive - do what she says = get sex - so it should come as no shock that the answer to it is counterintuitive. You must find ways to,
subtly, return back to the state of competition anxiety she had in the beginning. I emphasize subtly, because, as with most everything else female, doing so overtly will be met with hostility. To get more sex, to retain the frame, to inspire more respect in her, you must disengage from her. That doesn't mean becoming aloof, or sulking, or becoming an A-Hole; those are OVERT signs and methods. What is needed is incremental reassertion of yourself as the primary AND that her sexual agency, while still welcomed, is not a motivator for your own decisions.
I'm fond of saying no vagina is worth years of regret, yet this is exactly where most men find themselves, because they are either unwilling or unable to rock the vagina boat. They fail to understand that a woman's imagination is the most powerful tool in the DJ's toolbox. Now, the deductive and obvious way of stimulating that imagination would be to blurt out and say "look b!tch, your pussie's not made of gold and there are plenty of other girls ready to polish my nob if you don't straighten up, see?" And this of course is met with either resistance or shame from her. What serves a Man better is to make incremental changes in himself that she will perceive as attractive to other women. Women want to be with Men who other women want to ƒuck, and other men want to be, but this cuts both ways. The more empowered he becomes, the better physical shape he attains, the more professional achievements he gathers, the more valuable he makes himself, the more anxiety is produce - and this is anxiety she can't argue against.
One of the first things I tell men trapped in a her-frame relationship is to get to the gym, train hard, look better. This has two effects; first it makes her interest in ƒucking increase, and second it fires up that imagination. "Why is he doing this? He's really looking better these days, I see it, other women must too. Maybe I need to start working out? Gosh those girls at the gym look so much better than me." She can't argue with a healthy desire to look better, feel better, and be concerned with your health.
Don't accept that her sexuality is the authority of the relationship. The better you make yourself the more authority you command, the more you abdicate to her the less authority (and respect) you command. Women need to be told "NO", in fact they want you to tell them "NO", especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room - her sexual agency. When a woman controls the LTR frame with her vagina, it's always going to color your dealings with her. THIS IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. It becomes this ever-present, unspoken understanding that she can ultimately play the pussie card and you'll comply. And while this may gratify her in the short term, you will lose her respect in the long term. She wants to be told "NO" in spite of you knowing she's going to hold out on you. This is the ultimate repudiation of her sexual agency - "if he says "NO" with the foreknowledge that he's not getting any, my sexual powers are devalued." If her sexual agency is called into question it leaves room for doubt and opens the door once again for competition anxiety to creep back in.
In the end, who cares if you don't get laid for a week? It's well worth the price for increasing her respect for you as a commodity, and increasingly, an authority. If you want to maintain that anxiety, you must perpetuate yourself as being a commodity women will compete for, even in commitment.
