Must spread rep to zekko.
@ thread Very long don't read if that bothers you. You have been warned... and guess what? I just set a boundary. Now if you continue to read and say "damn what a longwinded bloat dasein is." it's on you.
Evan said:
It's not that having rules is pointless it's that you don't need to talk about these things. You can bring up something when you don't like what she did but that still doesn't mean anything. It doesn't make her think of you as a high value man or not. Your actions do that. How you make her feel does that. Not some discussion you have about your boundaries.
@thread Going to try a different angle on explaining this, as none of the boundary opposers every directly and honestly address my position here. Boundaries are not to lock her down or keep her in check, they are to make your life easier, save time, avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
Have you ever had a woman or women whom you are sleeping with, and after about a month of that, they start constantly wanting to talk about exclusivity? A better question would be have you ever had a woman NOT do that? IME all of them do, usually soon after sex starts. It usually starts with "what are we? where are we going? where do you see this relationship going?" and is the prelude to a long discussion, sometimes a chain of long discussions over the time you are with her. Let's say you are having sex with only that woman and are comfortable with that for the time being, so exclusivity is an option if it avoids hassle and stress.
Most women have a progression in mind, an agenda once they begin sleeping with a man they see potential for a LTR with. As someone who is not interested in marriage or restricting my options, I don't want exclusivity, and I will not marry under any circumstances, and thus our subtextual agendas are already in severe conflict.
My agenda is to stay unexclusive and minimize relationship type discussions, and that agenda never changes throughout the relationship. When they start up with the exclusivity pressure, it kills my attraction, and even more than that, when we are exclusive, and I am subjected to endless back and forth about what is respectful, not respectful, what couples do, what they don't do, based on the AW and "fabulous social life" privileges that almost all of the hot ones presume, it not only kills my attraction, but starts a two way resentment process.
SO, why not take five minutes when exclusivity becomes an issue and deal with all the expectations right then? "What does exclusive mean to you? Here's what it means to me. So sure we can be exclusive, here are my expectations of that. Exclusive relationships are not some added on thing in your social life that you do and other than sexually do any old thing that you like." Then some few specifics and a catchall "respect" expectation. All of FIVE MINUTES, ten if you aren't a lawyer, LOL.
Often, you can avoid exclusivity and remain casual at this point. If you go exclusive, and they agree, then when they start up with unexclusive type behavior, you can avoid long, annoying conversations, the resentment snowball, and lots of second guessing with "Well, since that's the case, it's not time to be exclusive, we can certainly revisit down the road, but for the time being, let's just keep having the fun we are having."
You see, a majority of hot women out there, even otherwise good ones, due to whatever factors, think that exclusivity mostly binds the man. They think that they can continue their "fabulous" social lives, have all the orbiters and male supply they like, behave pretty much however, and as long as there are no strange ****s in their pvssy, they are living up to their end. And to be pointed, anyone who says they have managed to meet a stream of women out there who are in the upper levels of attractiveness, and don't behave this way is either a liar or is dating women who aren't as hot as he thinks they are. Women see no problems with considering a relationship as an accessory on their incredible life, and that they do whatever otherwise, they have the brunt of MSM telling them this is their due. Uh, nope, not with me you don't.
That's fine, and when they do what all of them do, when the calls from "the work guy about 'work' start coming in regularly at night," when the male friend (drinking/party buddy) needs a place to stay for a week, when the recently divorced friend "needs" her weekly to go out for girl's night, when she keeps dancing with a "friend" who has a hand on her ass, then I get to go right back to where I want to be, unexclusive. Right then, right there. No fuss, no hassle, PREORDAINED process.
I don't have to sit hours explaining and hashing out, talking about their feelings and killing my attraction. I never have to have that feeling of needing to chew my arm off to get out of the trap of those long soul-sucking days long discussions. It's a simple, "well, remember XYZ? OK then, it's time for us to step back from exclusivity."
If they get angry and start insulting? Good. I'm out altogether, probably tired of f-ing her anyway. If they start screaming, crying and begging, good, they are learning MY VALUE, and that I'm not a pushover like the rest of the men they have manipulated in life. Builds respect. If they take it well and want to go f some dude and me too? Good, fine by me. If they take it well and we part entirely? Good, they will be back as a plate.
The only Bad results come when there are no expectations, no boundaries set out, and resentment forms due to misunderstanding. Time is wasted talking about relationship crap and feelings endlessly. Attraction fades or is destroyed, unnecessary things like NC result, endless "postgame wrapup," annoying post-mortem. AVOID THAT! IT'S EASY!
Every financier, in every contract they enter into insists on defining terms like "LIBOR" and "Prime Rate," regardless that everyone in the room already knows what those terms mean. Boundaryphobes, ask yourself why this is, and how that thinking applies to relationships with women that you spend time on every day? as opposed to a written contract that is negotiated for a week then no one ever looks at again (hopefully). In my calculus, it's even more important to have boundaries in personal relationships than in business, and you ALWAYS have them in business.
To edit in a final analogy. Remember the pre GPS days when you had to use maps much more than today? Remember the stress of "crap, do I turn here or that one up there?" When the GPS works right, and it usually does, ever get that "Ahhhhh" feeling when it effortlessly takes you where you want to go? Why not apply the same principle to all your human relationships if it's easy to do so? Why not take the few minutes to rig up that GPS, turn it on, and plug in the destination? It doesn't work -every- time, but when it does, it saves so much time and hassle.
