Online Profile Review

[iveyleeger]

Agreed. You gotta project excitement.

But I know guys who do extreme alpine skiing, para-gliding, mountain biking, sky diving, motorcycling, boar hunting, boxing, etc. And it doesn't help them with women. Not only are there few women doing this stuff, but a woman's ability to detect a real man is basically nill. It's all superficial. So there is a lot of acting involved here. But that works for me -- I'm not big on extreme sports, and I can act.

Anyway, can I get some more comments on my ad?

 

[al77]

Originally posted by iveyleeger
Agreed.

You gotta project excitement.
But I know guys who do extreme alpine skiing, para-gliding, mountain biking, ...And it doesn't help them with women. Not only are there few women doing this stuff, but a woman's ability to detect a real man is basically nill. It's all superficial. I'm not big on extreme sports, and I can act.

Very true! It seem that women want excitement without doing anything for it. It is very true that if a guy is into extreme sporst it will not give him much advantage unless he can "market" tham properly.

Here is an idea: we should not just state "I tried para-gliding... or I love mountain biking". We have to take positive stuff out of it and put it into writing. Example: with para-gliding we may emphasize feelings that one can experience while gliding...positive feelings of course. With alpine skiing - image of speed, adrenaline, beautiful snow mounitains...

You are right, most women dont give a damn about doing it, they usually want just feeling of that excitement.. They don't really even want that real man that really does that all adrenaline rushing things.

Propbably we can just mentioned alpine skiing, then say "Imagine... speed.. icy white mounitains... wind.. bla blah.blah". And there is no need to actually do it: it is enough just to be excited about it and talk about it with passion and right images....later, in person you can say ... well, I always wanted to go there... speed.. icy white mounitains... wind.. bla blah...
So there is no real need to do it on a regular basis.

 

[iveyleeger]

This is true. The last girl I got online said she liked to "explore". I tested that a bit and found she hadn't even been to the park. But this is what she *wanted* to do, be in the great outdoors, go out all night long, etc. So her idea was to find a man to take her there.

So I suggested to her going to the beach -- a "secret" beach in the city. I described the experience, etc., and she seemed really excited about it. I also let her know I live near the cool nightlife and go there time to time (though I didn't offer to take her).

So I think that associating with the things she wanted to do was good. But actually being Mr. Great Outdoors or Mr. Nightlife would probably just be something worth doing for myself.

Which, actually, I think I should start doing more of.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by iveyleeger
This is true. The last girl I got online said she liked to "explore". I tested that a bit and found she hadn't even been to the park. But this is what she *wanted* to do, be in the great outdoors, go out all night long, etc. So her idea was to find a man to take her there.

So I suggested to her going to the beach -- a "secret" beach in the city. I described the experience, etc., and she seemed really excited about it.

being Mr. Great Outdoors or Mr. Nightlife would probably just be something worth doing for myself.

I guess it can be simplified even more. .. seen those commericals when the main idea is a huge smile and words like "Call him... He IS GOOD!!!"? thats it. Just say "Excitement... adventure...Excitement... adventure....." then buy her a couple of drinks, repeat teh mantra and she will be in decent condition to believe that it is really ...Excitement... adventure....."
So the idea is simple: get some good images...or just phrases, words... repeat them from time to time... emphasize them...be passioned about those words (even if you dont have anything to do with those images...
Can you be fascinated about skiing? You can! Just say stuff about it with passion.....And she will think of you "Ah, that guys is... exciting!" Why? Cuz you were excited... you acted excited...".
Simple, but practical.

 

[iveyleeger]

That sounds . . . . unlikely. )

 

[al77]

Originally posted by iveyleeger
That sounds . . . . unlikely. )

Why not? Why do you think they would not respond to your passionate words? Anyway you are not going to take her alpine skiing right away and she know that...
so you might as well just talk about it.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

ya'll making this way too complicated.

figure out who you are, and write a personal that projects who you are in the most positive light. again, without lying or misleading. don't project anything that you cannot deliver on--most guys online lie their azzes off. chicks hate that, as do men.

besides, online personals should only be a supplement to your overall game, and not the primary source of leads.

 

[TooColdUlrick]

Re: my turn

Originally posted by iveyleeger
Okay, ladies, fire at will:

"Are you stylish, yet simple at heart? Oblivious to sophistry, yet enchanted by art?"

"Are you a maiden, more fair than many morn., in decadence a lady, in daylight quite the norm?"

Are you sick of crappy poetry?

Great! I'm interested in meeting a woman who knows who she is, where she is going, and why, yet retains a sense of wonder and excitement about the world that occasionaly leads her astray, (such as, for example, right now). I respect the gregarious and gallavanting types but get along best with the soft-spoken and somewhat less gallavanting folks like myself.

But all the world's a stage, so who really knows. Are you a player? Drop me a line.

~

Give me the good, the bad, and the ugly . . . and, if you know what you're doing (TooColdUlrick), a 2 min. rewrite.

i would...

1. drop all the front matter and start with the "I'm interested in..." paragraph. add a few lines of who YOU are, because your personal really only suggests the type of chick you are interested in, and doesn't give her a reason to say, "hmmm...i'd like to meet this man, he seems interesting".

i would personally re-word one thing: "where she's been, where she's at, and where she's going". it better suggests that you are looking for a chick who has her head on straight, and the fact that you are saying it this way suggests that you do as well.

otherwise, i think your main paragraph is a fine foundation to work with.

2. the very last line...just say "Drop me a line" or "You know the drill", or something like that.


i prefer shorter personals for this reason: if it's long, there's a strong tendency to BURY THE LEAD. as in journalism,

DON'T BURY THE LEAD!

as in ad copy,

DEVELOP A KILLER TAG LINE--A HOOK! (e.g. your title)

long-winded personals suggest that you have a lot of time on your hands, and are begging or lobbying your case.

a nice trick that i've used in the past is to have three paragraphs, with a "heading" of sorts, and a power close...

About Me...
insert fluff: here is why i'm such a great guy without saying i'm a great guy... blah blah blah...

About You...
insert fluff: i'm interested in a great chick who is, blah blah blah...

About Us...
insert fluff: put two + two together (contents above) and make it equal five. in other words, create synergy, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

Power-close (no heading). reinforce the idea that YOUR world is a good one, and give her a damn good reason to be interested in learning more. if she isn't, that's her business.

---

the Power-Close is not a close per se. you are merely generating what they call, C and D Leads. only a fraction, probably 1/5 will turn into A and B Leads.

 

[al77]

Re: Re: my turn

Originally posted by TooColdUlrick
i would...

1. drop all the front matter and start with the "I'm interested in..." paragraph. add

i would personally re-word one thing: "where she's been, where she's at, and where she's going". it better suggests that you are looking for a chick who has her head on straight, and the fact that you are saying it this way suggests that you do as well.

otherwise, i think your main paragraph is a fine foundation to work with.

Some observations:
If we tend to overthink in the profile and come with smart words or too sophisticated lines, it is no the best way to go.
we project "hey I am smart and good with wrieting" but it is not really a big turn on.

It is a good idea to talk about ourselves. I personlly would not include any "requirements" for her.

what is about: Where she is at"...how is she supposed to read it?
women say these things when they want a guy with career... I guess they would take you as a guy who wants a woman with career... Is it really want you want?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Re: Re: my turn

Originally posted by al77
Some observations:
If we tend to overthink in the profile and come with smart words or too sophisticated lines, it is no the best way to go.
we project "hey I am smart and good with wrieting" but it is not really a big turn on.

It is a good idea to talk about ourselves. I personlly would not include any "requirements" for her.

what is about: Where she is at"...how is she supposed to read it?
women say these things when they want a guy with career... I guess they would take you as a guy who wants a woman with career... Is it really want you want?

I suggest asking women who are online what attracts them to a profile. You'd be surprised the things that they look for. Face it, these are people who get an impression of you on whether your shoes match your belt! Writting skills including grammar, punctuation AND spelling are all noticed.

As for requirements, why not include them? Would you want any type of woman to contact you and waste your time and effort? Is it quantity you are looking for or is it quality?

 

[al77]

Re: Re: Re: Re: my turn

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia


1.Face it, these are people who get an impression of you on whether your shoes match your belt!

2.Writting skills including grammar, punctuation AND spelling are all noticed.

3.As for requirements, why not include them? Would you want any type of woman to contact you and waste your time and effort? Is it quantity you are looking for or is it quality?

1. Absolutely! They tend to choose somehting totally meanless to be attracted.

2. Yes, they are. But for some women who want dudes with High school degrees only bad spelling would be a turn on. Go figure.

3. if a site requires me to state some "parameters" of a potential date, I'll do fill that out. But, why would I want to talk about her in details?
See, I don't want women to contact me: they tend to "marry up", date up... as a result I am getting some totally weird offers from women out of my league completely: either they want a high school guy, or they are "rich and famous" and want somebody "cool".
What is the point in adding requirements to teh profile? To show "hey I am picky?" yes, that will work. What else?

I do contact women myself and if I decided to contact her, I'll qualify her in email, I do want her to respond to me.

 

[Rockadeimis]

Fire Away...

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/personals-1116142608-759647

 

[al77]

Re: Fire Away...

Originally posted by Rockadeimis
http://personals.yahoo.com/us/personals-1116142608-759647

Good pics, but you got too many... I would take off pic #3.

1. Fill out section about my match: if you dont, women would think :aha he'll date anyone.. he is desperate!

2. " honest, charming, intelligent man. Someone who is adventurous, and likes meeting new, interesting people."

I suggest you check ut your competitors: how many dudes use same adjectves? A lot! You have to stand out, not to blend in with them...

3. It appear that you think some loical steps are very appealing to women. Hm. I dont think women like "steps" at all... especially when there is not much to relate to... you gotta ille it up with some info about you, not just a set of adjectives...

Do the profile makeover....you are a creative type and you even didnt mention anything about that?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Re: Fire Away...

Originally posted by al77
I suggest you check ut your competitors: how many dudes use same adjectves? A lot! You have to stand out, not to blend in with them...

This is excellent advice that I think everyone should do. Different IS good. Recently I was on the phone with a woman and we literally reviewed profiles of guys that had contacted her and laughed. She pointed out several of the things that she didn't like about their profiles. One common thing that she mentioned was that guys typically describe themselves the same way.

 

[iveyleeger]

TooColdUlrick -- Thanks for the review. I cut out the front-matter and the stuff before drop me a line, but left in the "is, going, why" simply b/c it sounds more like me:

"I'm interested in meeting a woman who knows who she is, where she is going, and why, yet retains a sense of wonder and excitement about the world that occasionaly leads her astray, (such as, for example, right now). I respect the gregarious and gallavanting types but get along best with the soft-spoken and somewhat less gallavanting folks like myself. Drop me a line.

Now I'd need to add the hook/lead, info about myself, and a power close.

Btw, where did you learn about ad copy? Is there a book you'd recommend?

 

[Rockadeimis]

See what you think...

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/personals-1116142608-759647

 

[al77]

Re: See what you think...

Originally posted by Rockadeimis
http://personals.yahoo.com/us/personals-1116142608-759647

Much much better. Good pics!

" To that end you can call me a musician/graphic artist/paragon of artistic virtue. "

"you can call me" - I dont like this phrase, like i fyou surrender control to her...be more confident with "I am..." or even without it: "Musician very graphic artist..."

"I find it reveals a lot about yourself and others around you."
Hmm...doesnt contributes anything new. Just fluff stuff... you dont really need it.


"My other main interests include history and philosophy, so both sides of my brain are fully active (though not necessarily at the same time)."

Get rid of philosophy - it sounds boring and is turn off for women.
Better elaborat eon what kind of history you like.. examples... etc
get rid of "(though not necessarily at the same time)." - it does not add anything exciting about you.Dont be too wordy.

"gotta look good for my adoring fans!"
Hmm...are you bragging about it? Consider some other way of expressing it...dont be a show off....

"I like the outdoors in general, but I’m most fond of scenic trips, whether by car or on foot."
Appear more confident "by car _and_ by foot". "whether" shows you are not very decisive.. not sure what you want....dont project this.

"take risks…because you never know what’s waiting around the corner. "

Hmmm... what kind of image is that? what could be waiting around teh corner?? a stalker?...no... go for somehting more appealing here.

"Drop me a line."...
I personly believer you dont need to say anything like that...
you want her to write to you? Women are usually shy.. and want to appear forward....besides they should come up with courage and somehting inetersting in order to write to you.
But if you ask them, you appear as if you are a bit desperate for female attention... "talk to me.. write to me.. please!"...
I would not include this last part.

Overall the makeover is good, though you still can make it better.

 

[Rockadeimis]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll give it one more go-over perhaps, then get on the prowl.

 

[Rockadeimis]

You're right, I am going to get some better pics of me up this weekend.

 

[CraigMack]

Originally posted by al77
Sure, please review my profile:


"My Bits and Pieces"

I'll give you not very positive bits first, if you get through them you'll remember the good bits! I can "sing" in a bathroom (no, I don't do karaoke while taking a shower) I am not a good cook especially without a book, I am not a big fan of tv+sports+beer combination. That's as much as I'm giving away right now. The good bits: well I am honest, I could be witty, I think differently. I've got hazel green eyes and an inquisitive mind. I love art, I can draw anything but you would be laughing too hard at it. I have tried mountain climbing and I love the feeling of touching the earth. I grew up in Europe and have an accent, but I do not sound like James Bond or Terminator. I like dogs more than cats, cats more than mice. I favor wine over beer and dislike pop. I love thinking and having a good conversation. I have a psychology related hobby: figuring out what makes people tick, how about you?

Why would you want to bring up anything negative??? Are you trying to self destruct your game before you even begin?

It would be better to only talk about positive things and put a positive spin on everything in your life. Women love positive up beat men. You started your ad with "I'll give you not very positive bits first,"

That's like wwwwwooooooo duuuudddee. Way to negative for my space.

It makes me think by reading your ad that your a negative person deep down.