Having read the whole thread, I feel the need to add a few things that I think are still missing.
The subject which is not covered at all here is the difference between love and oneitis. Some people tend to think that if they got their "missed opportunity" or Ljbf Oneitis, then it would end. That the cure to oneitis is getting the girl. This is not true.
If you would actually get her, you would very soon scare her away, because this awful disease makes you not think clearly at all. You are a freaking mess, to a point where it could be almost described as insanity.
The thing is, you made her in your mind to this beautiful goddess that embodies everything you live for, if you could just be with her everything would be great. She is, in your mind, the ultimate way to your happiness, to everything you want and dream of. How could any person live up to that? She can't. And that is why she will, in your opinion, do everything wrong and you would constantly critisize her, blame her for everything that goes wrong in your life.
The reason you do that is, because you want a quick fix. A magic pill. You are absolutely not satisfied with your life and want a way out. There she is. You come to a point where every energy, everything you do is connected to her, because ultimately, in your mind, she is the key to your happiness. The really really bad thing is, in your mind, she is the ONLY key to it.
That is why you cant stop thinking about her. That is why you cant risk losing her. That is why you cant kiss her and you cant tease her and you cant talk to her like a normal person. You cant screw it up. You cant kill the only chance you'll ever get to be happy!
Tyler Durden says that your mind is constantly steered to what has the most value to you in every moment.
What could have more value than her?
So this is the first thing that needs to be understood.
She is not what you picture her to be. She is just a girl. Just a human with flaws.
Even if you got her, there would still be a million struggles, a million things bothering you. You would still strife for your goals.
You don't love her. You love an idea. An idea of easy happiness, an idea of a quick fix, an idea of the ideal girl, that has everything you could ever dream of, that is "the one".
You do that because you are incomplete. You are not satisfied with what you have, your life is not what you want it to be. You cant get other girls. And you have deep routed problems with your inner self.
There are certain things to draw you to your oneitis, that are deep routed wishes you got, like childhood stuff you never got over. For me, I felt unloved, so one big thing for me was just wanted to be loved. I was also loney, didn't really have a social life and a lot of friends, so she should be my buddy and make up for that. I never have had a girlfriend before, so she should end that, give me the whole experience and also the social status I missed.
A buddy of mine had a broken family, divorced parents, alcohol, stuff like that. One reason he was drawn to his oneitis was her big happy family.
So that's a big one. If you do not want to fall in Oneitis again, go soul searching. Ask yourself what it was that drew you to your oneitis, what was it that she embodied and that you so desperately craved?
Then give it to yourself.
You want sex. Get some. You want to get loved, love yourself. You are lonely, join a sport, meet new people, do something about it. Try to cover that hole inside yourself and try to give yourself everything that your oneitis should have given you.
We all strive for perfection. Every single one of us wants to be complete.
I don't know if it is a process that can truly be 100% completed, but at least you can try to get in that region. As this incompleteness fades, so does the oneitis and it will never come back again. Because there is just no reason. Why would you want someone to make you happy and complete yourself, if you already are complete?
And that is the road to love. That is the turning point where Oneitis ends and love begins. As you become complete, you become immune to oneitis and as you become immune you can now truly love a person for what this person really is.
Without wanting anything, without the NEED to be with her. You are complete, you are with her because she is great and gives you a good time and for that you truly love her. But love without fear, love without need, love without wanting something, all the good stuff without negativ emotions.
Yeah, as you might never make it to a 100% there will always be some negativ emotions, but compared to the hell you went through as an afc it will be nothing.
Some other thoughts:
One thing that really helps and conveys what I wrote is reading Eckhart Tolle. The power of now is great and gives you insights of how you are constantly unhappy because you cant stop thinking and living in the past or the future.
Another thing. Don't meet your Oneitis unless you have recovered fully, unless you are absolutey positive, that there is NOTHING you feel for her anymore. In which case there is really no point in seeing her, but if there is, for whatever reason, make sure every emotion is dead. She is like a black hole, if you haven't fully recovered she will suck you back in and you will start at the beginning.
The way I see it, it is almost like being an alcoholic. I once read someone who compared it with heroin addiction and everyone that had oneitis know how hard it can be to not text, not call and not see her.
So if you are an alcoholic you would not touch alcohol ever again (or at least for a long time), because every bottle of beer is dangerous and would probably be the reason you start drinking again.
Imagine seeing a sober alcoholic buddy of yours drinking a bottle of beer after being sober for 2 years. You would be shocked and feeling sorry for him, maybe you would hit that bottle out of his hand asking him if he is totaly stupid. Some thing goes for the guy and the oneitis.
One thing that's interesting to me is the following. My oneitis was sexually more compelling than anything I could ever imagine. If I have had the choice of every woman and her, I would not even had to think about it. Just looking in her eyes, being near her, smelling her breath, dancing, it all gave me an instant boner. She was like a really heavy fetish for me. I wonder if someone could feel so sexually compelled to someone without having Oneitis?
So this might be the only good thing Oneitis brings to the table, if you are able to have sex with her that is.
For all you guys in oneitis, ask your self this: how many other guys have oneitis for your chick? i bet its only YOU!
Actually it was me and two of my best friends. Which is really strange, because she really wasn't that pretty. Good thing no one got her. That would have been a really messy situation.
This IS oneitis. That unhealthy attachment, that dependency. You are so invested into the relationship that withdrawal from it literally causes you to have symptoms, like a drug addict who is not getting his fix. Your emotions are extremely hard to control and you will do things that seem incredibly stupid afterwards, things that are ultimately counter-productive towards the relationship AND towards you. Very self-destructive. I know, because I've done it. Multiple times.
That is so true. The dumb stuff I did when my emotions got the best of me...
Also, you are so invested, that the oneitis becomes part of you. You start to change as a person. You become bitter. And you start identifing yourself with the oneitis, with that sad numbing desastrous extremly painful feeling.
I have had it for such a long time, that it became a part of me. I couldn't even imagine how it must be not suffering, I didn't even know who I was anymore.
