Originally posted by Cesare Cardinali
Honestly dude, I think you're making a big mistake, with all due respect to your decision making capabilities, I think you need to step back and take a little breather before sealing the deal.
I already did. I made this decision a while ago; I've already proposed, we've announced to our family and friends, and we've set a date. Anyone who knows me very well at all realizes that this isn't something that I'm just jumping into, and my closest friends and family all approve. I expect a certain amount of Oh-no-don't-get-married! horror from this board, because I honestly thing that most guys would rather have their balls sheared off with rusty wire cutters than even entertain the thought of marriage.
Aren't you a little concerned that perhaps she is marrying you because she has a kid and her marketability is close to zero given that she is so young with a kid? When a girl has a kid out of wedlock, she is clearly damaged goods. Sorry dude, but that's the way it is. When she'll be in her thirties and forties, then its ok because most guys in that age range will have kids too, but at 23, not many guys in her age range will want to take a chick who got knocked up by some other dude. What kind of guy needs to invest in damaged goods unless he's a little damaged himself to begin with?
If her "marketability" was as close to zero as you imply, I wouldn't even be with her.
She will not be able to place you as her #1 priority
A quick word about that: I'm not so insecure that I have to be her number one top priority. I know that I'm extremely important to her, but one of the things that I like about her is that she is an excellent mother. As such, her child is her number one priority, as it would be if we ever had a kid. I have no illusions about that; in fact, it's one of the many things I like about her.
and she is obviously looking at you as a potential provider and breadwinner to support herself and the kid.
No more so than any other woman does. Just because a woman doesn't have a kid doesn't mean that she isn't looking for a provider and breadwinner to support herself any any offspring, present or future.
What would happen if your future wife were to die prematurely? That kid would go back to its father and you'd be left with a double wammy broken heart. Will you adopt this child? Is that possible given that the Dad is still in the picture?
"What ifs" are always fun. "What if" you get married and have a kid, and your wife is driving your kid to preschool and they get hit by a garbage truck and both of them die? You'd be left with a double-whammy broken heart. "What if" an asteroid smashed into your house while you were at work and wiped out your family? "What if" there was an outbreak of a deadly strain of ebola? "What if" there was a nuclear war and everyone in your family died except you? "What if" a flesh-eating alien came screaming out of my chest? There are always "what-ifs", and unless you completely isolate yourself from society, there are always risks of painful heartbreaks. I tend to believe that running from them is more risky than taking the chance.
The situation with the "father" is kind of complicated. He's around, but he's not "around". Fearing that he would get "screwed" with child support, he had his parents hire an attorney for him. We ended up with a judge who has a reputation for being one of the worst family court judges in our state, if not the country. The "father's" goal was to get a certain amount of custody so that he wouldn't have to pay much child support -- but not so much that he would actually get stuck with the kid for any major length of time. He
admitted to frequent and persistant drug use, an angry and violent temper, gross negligence when he was around in the first three months after she was born (he would leave her on the living room floor with a bottle propped up in her mouth while he went in the other room and passed out). The judge granted 50/50 custody. So the kid is with us five days, with him two days, with us two days, with him five days, etc. The times that she is supposed to be with him, his parents pick her up and she stays with them (he lives with his parents, but apparently is almost never home). For that, he managed $1.50 a week in child support. Basically, if anything happened, he wouldn't want her, and it would be a fight among the grandparents.
Also, didn't you run around deleting all your old posts here out of fear that your girlfriend will log on and read what you wrote? This doesn't seem too healthy. This place should have been "sacred" to you, like a diary or journal. You should be able to have a journal and write your deepest most intimate thoughts in it and you should not have to hide it from your potential wife. She should give you that privacy and respect it. Similarly, if your potential wife finds out that you post in an anonymous forum about your goals for a relationship and your painful past breakups, she should not violate your space and force you to have to delete all your posts. She should have respected your privacy and trusted that you are 100% honest with her and not feel the need to intrude on your space here.
Okay, first of all, this is an internet discussion board. There is no privacy here. Second of all, I didn't delete "all" my old posts here, I deleted four. All of them were about her and how we started, and were things I didn't want her to know about how I felt about her (my advantage would be gone if she knew how I felt about her at that time).
Will you even be finished University in one year and earning enough cash to support yourself, her, and the kid? Why the rush? If you are both so young, why not wait a few years and get hitched later?
No, I still have a few more years before I graduate with my final degree. However, I already am making enough money to support us all, modestly anyway. This leaves out an important point, though: she works and makes money also. While there is no "rush", as you characterize it, there are a few good reasons to marry now. Aside from the obvious reason, there are also financial advantages, insurance advantages, and compliance with her college's policies (you are required to either live on campus, with your parents, or be married). There are also other, personal, reasons that I'd rather not discuss right now.
Dude, I wish you good luck, but you should at least consider everything I've written above and if you are cool with that, then all the best to you.
I already did; quite some time ago.
