One of the more intersting flakes I've had in a while

[Wilko]

Her (the night beforehand): Fabulous! Look forward to it x

Her (three hours out): When are you free this arvo? I'll give you a call. Without feeding you a subpar excuse about my ailing mother/nana/dog. I've had a crazy busy day, minimal sleep last night finishing a project, and am wrecked. In no way a reflection of my liking/or not of you, but I'm not up for tonight. If you would like to catch up Sunday, let me know - I'll shout you tea (if it's Japanese). Speak soon.

Me: Rather poor form, will consider your offer.

I suggested plans more to my liking on Sunday morning, suffice to say they were met with the sound of chirping crickets, ha!

So this girl was honest and she had the courtesy to make a counter-offer, that's a new one. But, I was hard on her even though I could have easily given her a free-pass. I did that because I stopped to think about what this girl's actions were telling me (in spite of her words).

Well, she thinks it's ok to flake on a date three hours out on a Friday night because she mismanaged her time and no longer feels like it. The fact that she was honest about it rather than making up an excuse doesn't change that basic reality.

"Rather poor form, will consider your offer." - Firstly, I was letting her know that her flaking on me does have consequences, however eloquent her [non] excuse. Secondly, I wanted to see if she could accept those consequences and display a little humility, prove that she was the adult she sounded like. As it turns out she could talk the talk but couldn't walk the walk - Actions vs Words.

It was probably moot at that point anyway, but suggesting entirely new plans instead of going with hers was about taking the frame back.

I really did find the idea that I was supposed to be grateful for her honesty and counter-offer in spite of her flaking pretty offensive. And, I thought it was pretty weak that she couldn't take her licks.

You might have handled it differently, only posting because her approach to flaking was kind of original! Certainly gave me something to chew on for a moment.

 

[Die Hard]

I'm curious, what was said after you texted her "Rather poor form, will consider your offer."?? You say you suggested to meet Sunday morning, was that in the same text? Or did you call her?

In other words, what was being said literally by you and her (and was it through text or phone call?) after you texted "Rather poor form, will consider your offer"

I'm not trying to look for possible mistakes you might've made during the rest of the conversation, I'm just interested in a more detailed report and see how other people handle this kind of conversation .

 

[runner83]

Personally, I think you overreacted.

I mean, fact is, some days when I've been due to meet up with girls, I've had such a crazy and busy day that I'm no longer in the mood (sort of).

And I'm a dude...think about how that is for a girl.

Your response, to me, sounded a bit insecure.

How would you have reacted if you had two other girls lined up for the same time?...something along the lines of "ok no probs".

Instead "Rather poor form, will consider your offer."

To me, that sounds insecure and try hard. And if she was into you at all, that response probably killed it.

 

[Wilko]

God, English is a funny thing isn't it, in my previous post I should have said, "On Sunday morning I texted her plans more to my liking". Those plans literally being, "A mid-week rendezvous would suit me better. I imagine you're no stranger to the xxxx in north xxxxxx?"

However, nothing but stone cold silence after "Rather poor form".

Incidentally, we're talking about a 23 yr old girl who contacted me initially. My experience with girls that age is that they go for the older men because they can't push them around. I remember walking out on one date on account of her being ten minutes late; she chased me for weeks trying to get another date after that.

 

[Wilko]

Your response, to me, sounded a bit insecure.

A year ago you would have been absolutely correct, it would have been totally ego-driven. These days I just trust my gut and lean on my past experiences.

 

[deuce42]

I must say "really poor form" sounds too aggresive to me as well and sounds like you are sulking, but I will acknowledge I have little answer as to how you would respond to that text either and am keen to hear what others suggest.

I would probably have not answered it at all, because I think silence is golden and often makes chicks obsess over how you are thinking and makes them suck up more. On occassions where chicks who late notice flaked on me, I just didn't even bother resonding because I knew I would sound like I was angry, and with my blanket silence they often would send another email kissing my backside - probably only out of guilt which may not necessarily be a good premise, but they usually did the grovelling. I am no expert here, just that I think the wording you used just misses the context in this case.

 

[Wilko]

Actually it was "Rather poor form" and it sounds delightfully British. Seriously though, I think you're bang on about the silence, I think that could have worked a treat but I'm happy to blow out a plate every now and then. I like being able to go there, to step on some toes and not worry about it, not all the time of course, but when the gut tells me to, sure, without hesitation.

 

[Serg897]

Im not sure how I would have reacted either in this situation. You can choose not to bring up the fact that it IS in bad taste to cancel at the last minute, and simply say "no prob" without letting her know your displeasure. Or perhaps, like deuce says, silence is golden.

Honestly, this seems like a lose-lose situation. I problably would have done exactly what you did but then not call her again. I'd like to believe that if she was truly interested she would not have flaked that way in the first place. She should have managed her time accordingly to be able to make it to the date. You dont want woman that are prone to making excuses like that.

 

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

This was a text? In a text, EVERYTHING can be taken as beta and bitter. I'm sure that could have been spoken in a passable way, but through text, something like that always fails.

 

[deuce42]

Yes forty is right - texts and emails suffer that they sound blunt, sometimes grumpy, and very literal. Vocal tone and inflection are everything - its how sarcasm works, people say something extreme but do it with light tone in their voice, and if its face to face commuination they say it often with a smile on their face and the recipent gets that the other person is being playful and not actually literally meaning what they are saying.

Its true that the Brits are remarkably good at quirky phrasing but perhaps the subtlety or wit of it does get lost in texts - where as if she gave you the opportunity of ditching via phone you could have delivered the same message and it would have gone down differently from your voice.

Chicks who corner you with texts or emails in my mind are usually trying to not commit too much. I mean a text is fine for quick communication, but not a decent thing to do when you are flaking out on a date with someone last minute. It just says "I couldnt care less about you" or "that I am weak and lack the maturity to let you know I am not so into you and would rather be a coward and hide via phone text". Either way it is totally disrespectful, and Wilco is right in the sense that the fact that it is garnished with all that other crap doesn't negate that its disrespectful. It almost is cheeky of the chick to think that she can resolve her guilt by peppering the flaking with all that other crap.

 

[Tazman]

"Rather poor form" = scolding from a bruised ego.

Remember, flakiness is really just a sign of her having options.

Your sign of having options should be indifference.

I agree with this.

Even something like "lol, good timing, this may have helped both of us. We'll do something another day"

Simply to show that it doesn't phase you, almost like you were busy with other things so her flaking freed you up to do something else.

 

[Wilko]

Gotta bang this reply out quickly. I'm not surprised at the advice advocating a more measured response (calculated indifference). It's exactly what I thought I'd hear. Now, I'm not saying that wouldn't have improved the eventual outcome for myself eight times out of ten in this situation. However, I'm not fixated on playing out every situation to its ultimate potential because that plate, any plate, is replaceable. I don't see the need for constant restraint and feigned indifference when it comes to dealing with women. I don't think it's enough to be say that you can walk away from any woman, I think you have to act on it. She crossed a boundary, and I willingly showed her my displeasure because I was not concerned about winning or losing her as a plate.

Granted we all have a different tolerance for flaking; one, two, three strikes. But where are your boundaries guys? What does a woman have to do, how badly does she need to fvck up before you drop the indifference and show some naked displeasure/aggression? Do you exercise those boundaries or are you too concerned about winning the game and getting in her pants?

 

[DMSR76]

Granted we all have a different tolerance for flaking; one, two, three strikes. But where are your boundaries guys? What does a woman have to do, how badly does she need to fvck up before you drop the indifference and show some naked displeasure/aggression? Do you exercise those boundaries or are you too concerned about winning the game and getting in her pants?

Although I too may have exercised a bit more restraint in this particular scenario, I definitely understand where you're coming from.

While I'm generally not an advocate of killing flies with sledgehammers, I acknowledge that sometimes it can be quite fulfilling to a man's psyche to express anger when offended. Some gestures of disrespect push beyond a man's indifference zone, and especially if he has no intention of moving forward in an interaction. Some plates are destined to be broken, and it's not necessarily a loss. Screw the high road.... I get it.

I understand the ideology of allowing offenses to indifferently roll off one's back, but I also think that men have the primal right to express a little outrage from time to time. And truth be told, women respect these displays of displeasure.

Sometimes there's a value to 'impacting' a person, even if the impact is negative. If nothing else, this woman won't easily forget the interaction. She may resent you for spanking her hand, but she may think twice before she whimsically tramples over the next man's time.

 

[Zarky]

dunno OP but you and your ex-almost-girlfriend sure do sound like English royalty when you text.

To address the issue: she blew you off, you told her off, and she bailed permanently. She 'just wasn't that into you.' Would she have canceled on George Clooney? No, she would have downed 50 cups of coffee and shot herself up with adrenaline rather than flake on him.

Your response was fine, this girl was not yours to lose because she was never yours.

Still I would have gone with Roissy and texted: "gay"

That, or after the blowoff I would have just said, "I'll get back to you." and probably never would have gotten back to her.

 

[Jitterbug]

I would've waited until an hour after the supposed meeting time then TXTed "gay" back. Or just stick with silence till the next day and I guarantee you she'll be calling to kiss your arse.

Any hint at anger or disappointment should only be displayed when you're already in a position of power.

 

[Tazman]

Your feelings about the situation are understandable, but you have to remember that "feigning" indifference is the offered advice simply to increase your chance of success. If she isn't worth it than it's no skin off your back, but it doesn't hurt to apply some game to keep things moving in the desired direction.

Showing her how irritated you were with the flake serves no useful purpose outside of you venting, but did you really feel any better for it? No response from her means you were weeded out for having more invested in this than she.

It depends on context as well. If a chick disrespected me like hit me or cursed me out that would call for immediate action in letting her know that under no circumstance will I tolerate it. In that case you'd be manning up and putting her in her place.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Wilko,
Yes I agree with most correspondents,you were a bit over the top...You are right of course...Me I take this sort of behaviour as "Par for the course" with Western Women....perhaps the best method is simply to play it nonchalently...."Oh that's fine,I have a Dance Lesson anyway so don't sweat"....Always play these things as if you have lots of options.

 

[Johnnyventana]

I think the main point is lost here: Chick flaked, on a Friday night, 3 hours before the date. YET, some dudes here are giving her a pass? Kind of Fks Wilko's night, no? He could have made other plans, but probably not at that late flake. Chick either needs to suck it up, or move on.

And regarding her 'honestly' in her flake. I don't see it like that. More like she is totally clueless and lives in her own world. A world where only she exists and fkn someone else's night = no biggie, because it is not her night. Chick needs to grow up or at least be exposed to reality. She didn't think to lie because she didn't think it mattered.

 

[Zunder]

You don't mean much to her.
If you meant anything at all she would have made sure she wasn't "wrecked" and therefore didn't have to cancel the date.
Use the oldest test there is: Would she have been too "wrecked" to meet Brad Pitt?
And your answer }rather poor form" was total fag mate, totally nade you out to be a whining bytch.
I also agree that answering with "Gay" is childilsh. Its one of the few things I disagree with Roissy on.
The best reply would have been TOTAL SILENCE.
But mate - I know what you are on about with these flaky bytches and getiing pissd off with them and sending them texts because I made all these mistakes less than a year ago myself.
Flaky girls are a waste of time. DO NOT feed their ego.

 

[iqqi]

2w

You don't mean much to her.
If you meant anything at all she would have made sure she wasn't "wrecked" and therefore didn't have to cancel the date.
Use the oldest test there is: Would she have been too "wrecked" to meet Brad Pitt?
And your answer }rather poor form" was total fag mate, totally nade you out to be a whining bytch.
I also agree that answering with "Gay" is childilsh. Its one of the few things I disagree with Roissy on.
The best reply would have been TOTAL SILENCE.
But mate - I know what you are on about with these flaky bytches and getiing pissd off with them and sending them texts because I made all these mistakes less than a year ago myself.
Flaky girls are a waste of time. DO NOT feed their ego.

This is the best response so far, but I disagree with silence. If you don't respond, you seem just as bitter and angry as the OP's original response, maybe even more so. I am very anti negative emotion in the beginning stages of dating.

The best response is a ****y funny one here. And then reassess the situation.

She obviously isn't into you enough to NOT cancel 3 hours into the date. Maybe make her a lesser priority? Make her really work for the next date? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt, and one other chance for a great date with you before handing the heavy Next here?

I agree that it sucks she cancelled 3 hours before you were to meet up. As someone with high self confidence, I'd be able to take that as disinterest. And chalk it as so, unless I was given a reason not to in the near future. I think some people here are so lacking in self confidence that they take any set back as a big sign of disrespect, when it isn't even that serious.

But nothing is more lame than being super butt hurt over some chick you don't even know that well, for whatever reason.