OK guys, I'm frickin PISSED......

[speed dawg]

Man, I thought I knew my sh1t. You can't trust ANY girls, not even the ones your about to get engaged to. I don't know if anything happened or not, but I'm VERY suspicious.

Me and my 1.5 yr. long girlfriend had been butting heads back during Christmas and January. Everything is fine now, but we were in that stage where you just butt heads all the time, you know about it. Anyway, I got a little suspicious, and I had never not trusted her, she'd NEVER given me a reason to. Whatever, I'm trying to paraphrase. Anyway her friend is newly single and wants her to go out all the times. So she does, nothing happens, but then this movie premier comes to town and her friend gets her tickets and they go. Of course, I'm suspicious and a little distrusting considering our situation, so I said to myself I'm thinking too much. Not to mention a little decrease in her sexual desire for about 2 weeks.

Well there's this guy that comes to her to get his hair cut, a hotshot lawyer who thinks he owns the world, which makes this even more sickening. Of course, I'd been checking her phone records (I know I shouldn't have) on-line to see who she'd been talking to (She has no idea that I'm even remotely jealous this whole time). Around the time of the movie premier, there starts to pop up some calls back and forth to this guy. And the week directly after. I tried my best not to think anything of it. I researched this guy, he's a big movie buff and a metrosexual type that lived in LA for a while, hence that's how I know the phone number. Like I said, this guy has tried to date her before, but she turned him down. I mean, she turns down guys every day. She's a hairdresser, she gets hit on alot. But moral of the story, her interest level went down a bit, that's why I worried, because she'd never shown these signs before.

Well I pass all the sh1t tests, get my head on straight and say "fukk it" and got ready for a breakup. Well, then everything did a 180. No weird phone calls or texts, nothing, she's all about me like we used to be, probably because I got back to the DJ ways. Well today, I'm at work, possibly thinking of getting the engagement ring this weekend (remember I blew all this crap off when it happened and did my own thing). Well, I go on her phone account again today (I told myself I wouldn't but I did) and find like 20 texts between them that night of the premier, from 11pm to 2am. I had already begun having doubts about all this because her sister is a drama queen, and if you marry the girl you marry the family. Man I prayed for a sign and I got one. Be careful what you wish for.

I just don't know. Chances are she didn't do anything with the guy. We actually saw him last MOnday from a distance, and she said 'Oh there's dude that I cut his hair", but didn't give him a second look. I want to know truth. I don't know any way to figure out truths though. I can't ask her about it, and I don't want to dump a girl I love if I don't know the truth. H*ll, this guy and her couldn't have been talking about the movie, none of the conversations were more than 2 minutes.

Or, they could have been having sport sex.

What to do, what to do.

 

[NewMan]

Don't buy the ring - 1.5 yrs is not long enough anyways.

It seems though you are spinning yourself into circles. All this doubt and jealousy can only lead to 1 place.

You should not have checked her phone account - texting and having phone calls from some dude is no reason to go south. But now that you have, the damage is done.

Who were making the majority of calls?

I would say, hold off the wedding plans. be patient. and monitor her actions. Something tells me that you are going to go head-to-head with her over this - but if you, can avoid this for now.

I hope your spinning some plates.

 

[azanon]

From the sound of it, she's not into you enough to warrant trying to be engaged to her.

Let me tell you speed dawg, since marriage is forever, you want a woman like mine; no not a HB10, but a woman that's absolutely crazy about you and cant even think of another man besides you. On a 0-10 scale of interest level, only marry a woman with a solid 10 interest for you. If you dont have that with this girl, keep looking.

Oh, and you cant demand/expect it from her, you either have it from her or you don't.

 

[speed dawg]

Man I hear you. No way I can buy a ring.

I was mistaken in the OP. The premier was the week after all those texts, and I SAW a text in her phone the Wednesday after the premier that said "How was the premier, sorry I couldn't come and hang out, I had to work". I saw that sh1t clear as day.

I don't know about her interest level. As of the last week or two it seems to be sky-high by her behavior. The weird thing is, I've NEVER seen anything that would make me think she's cheating, only the phone records, which I shouldn't have looked at anyway. I haven't been being AFC either, trust me, I'm a veteran on this site, I know what I'm looking for.

 

[kyphan]

I have to agree with azanon on her interest in you: it's either through the roof or no wedding bells. Now you doubt her intentions, you have less faith in her, and you are questioning what happened. In my opinion it's over between you and her - you'll never believe her no matter what she says unless she tells you she slept with the guy. Eventually you will come to the conclusion that you cannot trust her and it's off to Splitsville - whether that's soon or 10 years down the road. You're snooping about her behind her back, there's no way you can tell me you'll ever be able to trust her.

The worst part? Maybe nothing happened. Maybe she flirted a little with a regular client and you're all strung-out now, lacking trust in her, and going to ruin the relationship.

Something may have happened. You may never know.

Really, move on from this girl. Tell her flat out that you need to move on with your life. I see this problem coming up for you over and over until she either does cheat or you can't stand it anymore and end it. It will happen with the next girl, too, and the next, until you get it right and stop being so paranoid. You've already proven to yourself that this girl is not trustworthy; don't do it to the next unless you KNOW something.

 

[speed dawg]

A little more in depth on the situation.

I CAN'T judge THAT situation by her current behavior, which indicates 100% IL. There's been no contact with that guy from her since the weekend before the premier, January 19-21. He sent that text about hanging out the weekend of the premier on Wed. after it. I was out of town working last Sat.-Tues. If she wanted to fukk him, she could have then. She didn't, or at least there's no phone records of it.

Like I said, nothing probably happened. She probably looked around a bit while we were having problems. Only thing is, did he turn her down? I mean, she came home every night. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.

 

[speed dawg]

The worst part? Maybe nothing happened. Maybe she flirted a little with a regular client and you're all strung-out now, lacking trust in her, and going to ruin the relationship.

No doubt, man. So true. However I trust my gut. I was having doubts anyway about her family. And, I don't want a girl who goes running for the hills every time we have a little problem.

 

[speed dawg]

First, why would this have her mobile number?

She said, last summer I think, when this guy first called, "How did he get my number?". She called a girl that worked with her and the girl said she gave it to him because he called the Salon looking for her. Who knows for real.

Then there was no contact between them until that weekend last month. It's strange.

 

[Mr.Positive]

This is the time that truly tests a man's confidence. Remember, for her to earn a ring, you have to know in your gut that she could be hit on by all the "Brad Pitt's" in the world, but you are the guy that she comes home to. What ever you do, don't get possessive or jealous, or your done.

I do think 1.5 years is a long time, and that people aren't perfect, just people. It's possible that she is completely trustworthy, but just thrown off a little by this guy, and gets a temporary ego boost from his attention.

I'd say, pay attention to her actions and stop checking on her phone calls. If her IL dips again, call her on it and withdraw your attention. Show confidence that you are the man.

Good luck, don't give up on this yet.

 

[Sinistar]

Whether to dig through her phone records or not is an entirely different topic. However, there's a point to made here.

You looked. You unlocked that door.

Now I think its time you ask yourself, deep down, why did you really look? Was it really because you now distrust her or was it that you were feeling jealous or perhaps some other reason. Answer yourself honestly here.

More Questions...

And since you looked, hopefully one of her texts told him rather covertly and bluntly that she was in a exclusive relationship (with you). If she didn't text/tell the other guy that, ask yourself why?

Regarding the LA Law dude:

...a hotshot lawyer who thinks he owns the world, which makes this even more sickening.

...I researched this guy, he's a big movie buff and a metrosexual type that lived in LA for a while, ...

....the way you describe this dude gives me the impression you might perceive him as more Alpha than you - is that right?

And why exactly were you butting heads back around the holidays???

Oh yeah, I grabbed several lines from your initial post:

I don't know if anything happened or not, BUT...
Everything is fine now, BUT...
So she does, nothing happens, BUT...
I told myself I wouldn't BUT...

...sometimes those BUT's sneak in (often negating what's said prior) because what *feel* is actually incongruent with what think or really want to say.

 

[Wyldfire]

It sounds like you were saying that things are back to normal now. Yes, it sounds like the lawyer was trying to steal your girlfriend, and it looks like she may have had some second thoughts about your relationship during the time you were having some problems. However...if things are back to normal and the movie premier night was back when things weren't stable and the conversations with this guy stopped then you shouldn't jump ship just yet.

Everything you've said indicates that she chose you over the lawyer...otherwise she would have left you and gotten involved with him. What this all boils down to is that you think she may have cheated on you as the worst case scenario or that she might have considered leaving you for him at one point. She didn't leave you, so you should let that part of this go, because you won that one. Did she cheat...it's hard to say. If it's really bothering you then ask her in a mature way and see what happens. If she handles the question well and you two are able to communicate about this maturely then you can handle about anything as a couple. I would hold off on any ideas of marriage for awhile, though. The worst time to think about marriage is during or right after rough spots. You have to make sure you can truly get past those things before ever considering marriage.

Good luck...

 

[Desdinova]

It sounds like the guy is interested in your gf. But there's one thing to remember through all of this: 90% of men are AFCs. If he wasn't an AFC, she'd probably be gone by now.

Someone mentioned earlier that she should earn her ring, and I agree 100% with that. From what you've mentioned about some of your past, she hasn't earned it yet, and it's possible that she may *never* earn it. I also agree with azanon that her IL should be through the roof if you plan on marrying this woman.

For now, I would treat it as "business as usual". If she starts cancelling 5hit with you to hang out with the lawyer, that will be your cue to cut her loose.

 

[Mind_Body_Soul]

On jealousy over other men

Hey speed dawg,

Let me throw in my perspective as I have been a similar enough situation recently. (And I'm sure we all have been)

I was dating this girl pretty seriously (no where near as long as you have been) and I come to find out that there is this AMOG (bad boy type) that she hooked up with prior to her dating me. The AMOG disappeared after they hooked up, I come into the picture, start dating her, and all of the sudden, the AMOG reappears. We'll call the girl R and the AMOG C.

Anyways, before I knew the situation, R, C, and myself all went to a concert. C followed R and I. We were all hanging out etc. I would leave her alone with C, what did I care? I was there with her.

Anyways... Fast forward, she tells me that C and her had a bit of a thing and then he disappeared. It almost sounded like she wasn't over him and that I was a rebound guy. I didn't let this bother me however, because I was the one fvcking her.

So... he starts calling her, texting her all the time, trying to whiddle his way back into her life. He accuses me of being gay (I do dress metro so sue me it's what looks best on me). She starts thinking I may be gay and starts asking about it... I always laughed it off, would joke and say "I'm not gay, I'm BI GAWD."

One day R tells me that C called her the night before drunk dialing and confessed he was in love with her, yadayadayada. I L'dMAO. The biggest wuss move you can do is call a girl and profess your love to her and this WUSS just did it. I really realized who was the alpha then.

The bottom line of my long winded story is this... throughout this whole time that this guy was trying to get with R, I never once let it bother me. I acted the alpha at all times. I didn't check her text message log, I didn't look at her phone bill, I didn't CARE.

Guys are going to be hitting on a fine piece of ass ALL THE TIME. You have to accept that and realize, I AM THE ONE SHE'S FVCKING. You have to let her live her own life and assume the best.

 

[Sinistar]

Everything you've said indicates that she chose you over the lawyer...otherwise she would have left you and gotten involved with him.

...and therein lies the rub. She has the frame, not him. IMHO, that is the true reason why speed dawg wrote in the first place. If she was firmly entrenched in his frame NONE of the texts would have happened - she would have made it crystal clear that she was exclusive with her MAN speed dawg.

Consider Wyldfire's advise carefully. The part about holding off on that ring is spot on. However I perceive the general tone of her response as nudge towards supplication. Do you really want to go there dude?

If you REALLY think you can recover and always maintain the frame with this woman, then I wouldn't say anything at all. Just keep being yourself and don't change for her or in response to what's been going on. However, if your *gut* twitch continues to persist do not tune it out. You have a gut feel for a reason.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

Yea. I'd hang out with her, bang her, enjoy her company, but I would never marry her. Text messages at 12-2AM from some guy she supposedly only knows from cutting his hair and who has made advances towards her are unacceptable.

Did she tell you about the calls and texts? If, not, then why didn't she tell you? It's not relevant at this point IMO because she's failed the trust test to me.. In a marriage it's supposed to be you and her vs. the world. ONLY you and her.

Oh, and anytime a girl brings up a decent looking guy she knows to me more than 1x, then I get suspicous. Girls will usually give the name of a guy they're interested in to you or mention them to you on occasion when they're thinking about them or banging them.. they don't do it on purpose, the guy is just on their mind and the girl lets his name slip out. One thing they'll do after they bring the guy up is they'll say something about the dude that they don't like EG: He's creepy or he's ugly - this is to make you think they don't like that guy in a sexual way.

Here's some more self disclosure about my MO: If a girl tells me that she's been talking with another guy somewhat regularly, then I put an end to that quick. I let them know I don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable. I tell them to stop talking with that person. If they don't like it, they can leave. Call me controlling or whatever, but I've seen the consequences.

Man, I bang guys girlfriends all the time. These guys have no idea. I've banged a girl who jumped out of bed 5 min after we finished to answer her phone. on It was her bf... I was supposed to bang a girl on just this last Valentine's Day who has a boyfriend of 1 year. Unfortunately, it didn't work out because she couldn't get out of work early enough.

I have yet to meet a man who was in your situation where it worked out... My friends who have been in a situation where they know or think their girl is cheating are usually right... My buddy had his girl tracked by a private investigator. The PI would be following her on one side of town (where a guy she was banging lived) and she'd be on the phone with my friend telling him that she was somewhere else. He still kept her around because he loved her and loved the sex, but it hurt him - bad.

Keep your chin up and don't let 'love' blind you! :cheer:

 

[djbr]

Underage Poster in the Mature Man forum poster is 20 years old

 

[Wyldfire]

...and therein lies the rub. She has the frame, not him. IMHO, that is the true reason why speed dawg wrote in the first place. If she was firmly entrenched in his frame NONE of the texts would have happened - she would have made it crystal clear that she was exclusive with her MAN speed dawg.

Consider Wyldfire's advise carefully. The part about holding off on that ring is spot on. However I perceive the general tone of her response as nudge towards supplication. Do you really want to go there dude?

If you REALLY think you can recover and always maintain the frame with this woman, then I wouldn't say anything at all. Just keep being yourself and don't change for her or in response to what's been going on. However, if your *gut* twitch continues to persist do not tune it out. You have a gut feel for a reason.

I don't think anyone should ever "supplicate" to anyone. I simply think it's better to deal with things in a mature way. Bottom line...the one in a relationship who wields the power is the one who cares less about losing the relationship. It sounds like he cares more right now. This is why it's dumb to snoop...even a completely innocent thing can easily instill doubt and jealousy into the snooper...and then you are instantly at a disadvantage in the relationship.

 

[speed dawg]

It sounds like he cares more right now. This is why it's dumb to snoop...even a completely innocent thing can easily instill doubt and jealousy into the snooper...and then you are instantly at a disadvantage in the relationship.

I don't really know. I DO care, h*ll, you have to, to date someone that long. Whatever I did to lower IL is gone now. We did have some problems, but who doesn't. Thing is, things were getting better during this time. No, I had no idea she was talking to the guy, AND, she deleted the texts, which I've never seen her do. All the evidence is there from the phone, but NONE of the evidence is there in actions and behavior. They aren't conguent.

Yes, I care. I care about being betrayed. I don't know what the texts said. Wyldfire, explain to me how it can ever be acceptable for her to drunk text some guy between 10pm and 1am.

 

[fedagent]

I'm going to pipe my .02 here.......

My first question is.....Why weren't you going to the premier with her?

Secondly, just because there's no texts between them sometimes doesn't mean anything, it just means they may not have had a reason to text eachother (they could be with eachother during that time?)

Thirdly, I think the best thing you can do is just let it go and continue dating her, if possible. Never try to control a woman or keep them from cheating on you. If they are going to do it, they will do it. Nothing you can do will ever stop it. You have to have trust for any relationship to work.

Fed

 

[Wyldfire]

I don't really know. I DO care, h*ll, you have to, to date someone that long. Whatever I did to lower IL is gone now. We did have some problems, but who doesn't. Thing is, things were getting better during this time. No, I had no idea she was talking to the guy, AND, she deleted the texts, which I've never seen her do. All the evidence is there from the phone, but NONE of the evidence is there in actions and behavior. They aren't conguent.

Yes, I care. I care about being betrayed. I don't know what the texts said. Wyldfire, explain to me how it can ever be acceptable for her to drunk text some guy between 10pm and 1am.

Males and females both have basic needs in a relationship. For a guy...he needs to get enough sex to be happy. For a female, she needs to get enough attention and affection so that she feels loved to be happy. A woman WILL test and be difficult if her needs aren't being met because it forces you to give her attention. Yes, some women just require too much attention and no, a guy shouldn't put up with a need for unreasonable amounts of attention. But, if you want to have a LTR that lasts you NEED to change your mindset away from the general advice and rules of this site or it will ruin your relationship. You've got to make sure she feels loved. Chances are her basic needs in the relationship weren't being met because you were following too many rigid rules out of fear of screwing up. If she didn't feel loved and some other guy was giving her the attention and affection she wanted but wasn't getting from you then it would explain the drunk texting.