OK guys, I'm frickin PISSED......

[jonwon]

Lets get a few DJ and player theory out on the table right now.

FACT:
If you text a girl and she is not intrested she does one of a few things:
1 she does not REPLY back, simple fact.
2 or She replie's back saying she is not intrested then does not reply back.
3. what she does not do is, text tennis for x amount of time as it's: a waste of money, no need to do it since she is not intrested, why would she want to waste her time.

GF and another guy.
A GF getting text's from another guy, would either tell you about him if he was doing stalkerish things. Now lets look at the girls Point of view, since this is what we are looking at: The girls point of view is she is not intrested (or this is the ideal at hand or she as done no wrong), but the way i see it if she was not being receptive then this guy is acting like a stalker and i know women would feel uncomfortable with that level of attention from a guy, so in that they would tell the BF about it, or do something about it, which does not include exchanging text messages at 2 in the morning.

The two in the morning text.
I have text girls at that time for one thing and one thing only, its a booty call, and girls have text me at that time also, what other reason is there to text so late?

I am sorry man but i dont like reading this, checking her logs was probably the best thing you could have done, it seems you have just had a lucky escape, treat it as a sign to find a better women.

Also the story about getting the number, again she is lying and being decietful, why would one of her collegues give out her number to a random guy? I know hairdress have bad rap in the IQ department but come on, this is a whole new level of dumb, unless your GF makes personnal grooming calls, why would they hand her number out? And people who work together i suspect would build good working bonds, so if her number was passed out her work buddie must have felt a need to do it. But i dont think it was as she said it is, but lets give her the benifit of the doubt.

So here we are, some guy just has to have her telephone number, her work mates have given it out and now some guy as been texting her rather alot and late at night. Is it me or does this read a little scary to you? No, well any sane women would be a little afraid of some random guy contacting her who as used stalker means to get her details.

but something tells me she is not concerend in fact she is not acting like she is in any danger from this rather aggressive means to get in her life even when she as a BF, infact she is being rather receptive, or she was.

So who is lying and what is the clearer picture here.

You gut does not lie since it is seeing what your mind is blocking you to see, your intrest in your GF and your need to not beleive what is going on as set a nice smoke screen over the facts, your gut can see it but you mind as not caught up yet, am i suprised at your spying, no not at all, if your gonna invest your LIFE with someone and you have doubts, spying can lay them to rest and no one who is dishonest in a relationship as anything to fear from spying.

Ask yourself this question do you have secrets to hide and would you be offended if your GF went through your stuff, me i would not, actually i would be annoyed but i would understand now if it was a constant thing when i know there is nothing going on then yes there is another problem, but then again if i have something to hide as do most who get upset with snooping, yes i would be annoyed at the snooping.

Anyway i dont like this one bit also the GF (her mate) who is now single, may be in fact the guy as the GF line is a great excuse to have fun with out questions asked.

Ask yourself this just to be devil's advocate, what other things as she done that you dont know about? There you cant trust this girl time to cut your losses and move on i think.

So what it may be a few texts, but to me this is dishonest behavoir and people pull you up on trust, well she is giving you a hard time for you to trust her, so the damage imo as been done.

If this was my girl sorry man she would be gone and i dont care how much time as been invested, she needs a big shot over her bow.

That to me is the only way to salvage this, i would dump her and tell her why, so what you've snooped big deal, i would lay it all out on the table and simply state to her you having a hard time in trusting her and with that its pointless dragging this on any more.

At least this way if she as done something or is gonna do something, when or if she comes back you have laid down the ground rules and stated if she pis*es about with hot shot guys, your not gonna tolerate it, but in truth i would not be putting a ring on her finger not now, as i dont see this relatinships lasting, maybe it will but if she is already in contact with some hot shot guy e.t.c then it says to me its just a matter of time till a bigger and better player then he comes along and its a sure sign your women is at least open to the possibility, you have been warned.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Troops,


EXCELLENT,well-thought, and obviously well-intentioned advice given in this particular thread----especially from some of The Usual Suspects---like JOEKERR and JONWON.lol

Whether the original poster follows it by either staying with the chick, or ultimately LEAVING her, the most important thing he can do right now is get a grip on HIMSELF.

Yes, whenever we are caught up in the relationship storm, and tossed about by the viscious waves of our OWN emotions, surviving, recovering, and successfully navigating to the RIGHT decision HAS TO BE our primary mission.

Following your gut IS the key, and the only way you can do this is by kicking the pedestal out from under how you "feel" emotionally and instead, propping up your BETTER JUDGEMENT. No matter how loud your gut screams directions to you, you'll never be able to hear it until you quiet down your emotions.

The best way to do this is to internally step away from the situation, view the scenario as if it was happening to SOMEBODY ELSE that you care about(like a brother or a lifelong friend), then choose to follow for YOURSELF the advice you would give to THEM.

It's a tough battle.

An unenviable situation.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to get BLOODY on this one, soldier.

But MOST of us have already been there in some form or another. No way I can see that you won't take some sort of "hit" in this situation due to the time spent with her and emotional investment you have in her----which are things that are ENTIRELY necessary when you seriously want to forge a meaningful relationship with someone...

But if you DO manage to make whatever decision that allows you to maintain/regain respect for yourself, you WILL feel better about it down the line.

And ultimately, you already know you'll BE better off as well.


Peace...one day.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Well said Victory.

The feeling I'm getting from this thread is that Speed Dawg should drop this gal, and that he would be totally AFC if he stayed with her. I think he would be AFC if he dumped her personally.

Where I'm going is that if he had just met her, yeah, next her, but he invested 1.5 years of his life with her. Quality women are rare, and to give Speed Dawg the benefit of doubt (because I'm new here :yes: ), she is a quality woman or else he would not have been with her for so long. That's something only he knows though, not us, so recommending that he leave her is a strong thing to say.

Remember, nobody is perfect, nobody. Imagine switching the scenario. Say, Speed Dawg and his gal were a little shakey and HE got hit on by a super hb10 who was texted HIM at 2 am. The advise on this forum would be to shag the hb10, be a challenge, spin more plates, etc. Does anyone else see the irony here?

The rules change after 1.5 years. There is no way I would ever spend that amount of time with someone if she was not quality.

If it were me personally, and I still wanted to be with her, I would be a man about and accept what happened and not mention it. IF, and only IF, I still wanted to be with her and her IL is back to what it was when things were going well. However, if something like this happened again, then I'd run for the hills. Remember the saying, fool me once shame on you, fool my twice, shame on me.

People are people, nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes...

 

[Vulpine]

People are people, nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes...

...mistakes that could give you genital warts, herpes, or stick you with a child that isn't yours? Nobody's perfect: some have crazy VD, and others have no regard for the people they are with.

You said it yourself: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Meaning, he's been fooled once and shouldn't stick around to get fooled the second time.

 

[Mr.Positive]

You said it yourself: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Meaning, he's been fooled once and shouldn't stick around to get fooled the second time.[/QUOTE]


True...I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too much, which has led to many "AFC" moments in the past for me, but I'm learning and this site has opened my eyes. For 1.5 years of my time, it would still take a "shame on me" to break it off unfortunately. I'd gamble that, if she was worth it.

 

[Latinoman]

It sounds like the guy is interested in your gf. But there's one thing to remember through all of this: 90% of men are AFCs. If he wasn't an AFC, she'd probably be gone by now.

Someone mentioned earlier that she should earn her ring, and I agree 100% with that. From what you've mentioned about some of your past, she hasn't earned it yet, and it's possible that she may *never* earn it. I also agree with azanon that her IL should be through the roof if you plan on marrying this woman.

For now, I would treat it as "business as usual". If she starts cancelling 5hit with you to hang out with the lawyer, that will be your cue to cut her loose.

No conclusive evidence to dump her. But enough to hold on the ring. That's my take.

Speed, you already knew my opinion on some other issues as they dealt with her and the trust part. I was very clear about this several days ago when you provided the “grinding” issue. So, I’m not surprised about what is taking place now. Not surprised about your doubts. Maybe, she has taken you for granted or maybe she feels you don’t care about how she acts with others. Or maybe she is smarter than what you think.

I don’t advocate the snooping around UNLESS there is reasons enough to do that and you need that extra information to make a life-changing decision such as proposing someone for marriage. So, I feel you did the right thing under this particular scenario. After all, she started to behave distant. And then started to go with a "recently single" girlfriend to places.


Why would she keep this to herself as the fact that she had multiple telephone/text contact with a man? The only time I have kept things like that to myself is when I was testing the waters or have some interest in the person. Or unless it was just one conversation in which I put an end to some advances and nothing more. Or unless it was an old friend. But in a relationship that is build with trust, why would someone want to keep the fact that someone is contacting her or hitting on her for several texts? Why even ENCOURAGE (remember this term as it was the one that I shared with you in your other thread) some random man to disrespect you?

Maybe she felt the relationship at the time was going nowhere. And maybe she felt that it was okay to keep the gates of communication open. That, on itself, might not be “cheating”. But it is obviously an indication that at the time she was not going overboard for you. You cannot marry a woman that does NOT go overboard for you. Is that the case now? Perhaps no. Perhaps, she regained her IL for you. But, what would happen when things don't go her way...let's say 5 years into the marriage? Would she engage under similar situation?

Perhaps, in the near future, if both of you happen to see him…you can comment…”there is something weird about this guy. I just caught him looking at you very weirdly. I cannot describe it. I know he contacted you once (she told you once). Has he tried to make contact again?” Say that without any indication of jealousy…and more of an indication of a man that has concerns about his girlfriend dealing with stalkers. Or about identifying a potential stalker.

The family issue? Hmmmm…that’s another issue altogether and something that MUST be addressed prior to getting engaged. But one thing at the time.

 

[Latinoman]

Hey speed dawg,

Let me throw in my perspective as I have been a similar enough situation recently. (And I'm sure we all have been)

I was dating this girl pretty seriously (no where near as long as you have been) and I come to find out that there is this AMOG (bad boy type) that she hooked up with prior to her dating me. The AMOG disappeared after they hooked up, I come into the picture, start dating her, and all of the sudden, the AMOG reappears. We'll call the girl R and the AMOG C.

Anyways, before I knew the situation, R, C, and myself all went to a concert. C followed R and I. We were all hanging out etc. I would leave her alone with C, what did I care? I was there with her.

Anyways... Fast forward, she tells me that C and her had a bit of a thing and then he disappeared. It almost sounded like she wasn't over him and that I was a rebound guy. I didn't let this bother me however, because I was the one fvcking her.

So... he starts calling her, texting her all the time, trying to whiddle his way back into her life. He accuses me of being gay (I do dress metro so sue me it's what looks best on me). She starts thinking I may be gay and starts asking about it... I always laughed it off, would joke and say "I'm not gay, I'm BI GAWD."

One day R tells me that C called her the night before drunk dialing and confessed he was in love with her, yadayadayada. I L'dMAO. The biggest wuss move you can do is call a girl and profess your love to her and this WUSS just did it. I really realized who was the alpha then.

The bottom line of my long winded story is this... throughout this whole time that this guy was trying to get with R, I never once let it bother me. I acted the alpha at all times. I didn't check her text message log, I didn't look at her phone bill, I didn't CARE.

Guys are going to be hitting on a fine piece of ass ALL THE TIME. You have to accept that and realize, I AM THE ONE SHE'S FVCKING. You have to let her live her own life and assume the best.

This post caught my attention.

Here is a HUGE difference between your situation and that of Speed's.

Your girlfriend kept you informed of what was going on. That, in my eyes, shows a LOT of respect for you and as importantly...a lot of respect for the relationship.

She was telling you of what's up. She was honest as she didn't want to jeopardize you nor the relationship.

Speed's girlfriend, didn't even say..."Hey, that's the guy that stops by and get his haircut. Do you know that he was texting me this past December?"

Nope. Instead, she acted so casual...as if she never had conversations with him. Kind of a "secret".

And THAT is what I find bizarre.

 

[Latinoman]

...

If you REALLY think you can recover and always maintain the frame with this woman, then I wouldn't say anything at all. Just keep being yourself and don't change for her or in response to what's been going on. However, if your *gut* twitch continues to persist do not tune it out. You have a gut feel for a reason.

I like this advice. Why say something that can warn her and allow her to be more careful?

That's why I use the "No enough evidence to dump her. But enough as to hold on the ring. For now".

 

[Latinoman]

I am a firm believer that there IS a such thing as emotional cheating. I draw the line before physical contact.

And there's a difference between your girl "looking" at other men versus "looking around".

If my girl can't appreciate the attractiveness of other men, well, she isn't the kind of girl I would be with. But as soon as she starts looking AROUND you gotta cut that sh!t loose cause there is NO good that can come of it. You think that it's gonna be a one time thing? Hell no. Basically she's has an itch that needs to be scratched and there's nothing you can do about it.

I agree with you 100%. I also agree with Eric on the name mentioned several times.

 

[speed dawg]

Hey Latino, I was hoping you'd chime in. In all these situations, I wish I could more clearly lay out the situation than is possible on a message board. I'm holding off on the ring, for sure. I do know that we had a rocky couple of months FULL of me disrespecting her, basically because I didn't know any better. I had no idea how to maintain a healthy LTR. Like I said, things appear to be great right now, but I'm going to give it alot of time. Apparently, this whole period was her being shocked about marriage. It's really funny how if I hadn't snooped, I wouldn't have suspected anything.

Either way, lately we've had the good sex, and she's been bending over backwards for me. No sh!t tests. Except Valentine's Day, I had to fukking cook dinner for her. She may only be excited about getting a ring. However, now my emotions are calmer and I can really make decent decisions.

Sh1t, man, I can't deny I have my own mental problems from the past and horrendous trust issues that go way deeper than women. Maybe I need to be single.

 

[speed dawg]

Speed's girlfriend, didn't even say..."Hey, that's the guy that stops by and get his haircut. Do you know that he was texting me this past December?"

Nope. Instead, she acted so casual...as if she never had conversations with him. Kind of a "secret".

And THAT is what I find bizarre.

It is puzzling. She always has before with guys that are trying to get with her. She tells me about the guys who hit on her. She tells me when her ex calls her up crying (when we were first dating). But, she really does think I trust her completely. When her "friend" guys call, such as this guy, she has never told me. One other guy called her one time when we were together, obviously trying to flirt, and I asked who it was, and she told me in a way that said, "Don't worry about him." She said she's never been sexually attracted to any of her clients.

Nobody give me a spill about her having guy friends. They are friends because they pay her to cut their hair. That's something I have to deal with.

It possibly could be her just being a little too friendly to keep her guy clients, who by the way are big tippers, esp. the lawyer. I'm talking like a $50 haircut and a $20 tip.

Who knows, I'm over the sh!t, for now.

 

[Latinoman]

maybe you need to be more clear on what you expect from her.

Sometimes...it does not hurt to have a conversation about "where things might lead". This kind of conversation can come BEFORE an engagement ring hits her finger. And the topics to be discussed should be the same ones that typically destroy marriages:

1- Compability in sex (or lack of)
2- Compability in economical methodoligy (spending habits, etc.) or lack of
3- Compability in the issue of wanting or not wanting children
4- Understanding the role "in-laws" (and for that matter friends) will play or stop playing in the relationship. Among this, the issue of both being willing to move away or both being willing to never move away.
5- Support for achievable goals from each other (you support hers and she yours)
6- Compability in religion (if religion happens to play a huge factor) or lack of.
7- And then come the issue on compability in morals/values as defined by each of you. Which could be something no other than "Respect".

And because the relationship might take a new turn (potential for engagement)...and talks have been initiated toward that...now is the time to talk about issues such changing how things has been done.

For instant...(and under the premise that POTENTIALLY you two might take a new step that might lead to marriage)...you can bring the issue that

1- you expect her RESPECT toward you
2- you expect from her to safeguard the respect from others toward you.

And then you can bring the issue of "grinding" (must go) and the issue of leaving to others the perception that she is attainable. Furthermore, the issue of having certain secrets that can damage the relationship such as private conversation with men, etc. (I mean, she can keep secrets that her friends shared with her about their lives...but secrets about a MAN trying to hook up with her?)

In a way, you are RESETTING the boundaries of the relationship to take a more serious turn. And in a way, you are letting her know what would you like from the relationship in order for it to move to the next level. She will tell you some expectations too.

Some are negotiable (compromise) and others are not.

NEVER demand anything from her and NEVER try to control her. Simply tell her...she knows. If she doesn't follow through...then YOU know she has no respect for you or the relationship.

And then and only then...you can feel sure (after some time) if she is worth of marriage.

Note: Do NOT confess that you look into her stuff.

That is how I personally would look at things if in the same scenario. I can tell you one thing...MOST men have gone through what you have gone. Including myself. In my case, I ended up marrying the person and she turned out to be a great wife. The thing is, I had to clarify her some issues such as men trying to hit on her and she "encouraging" that behavior by keeping a series of conversations (other than work) with them. Sometimes women need to know that you are in control of your life. And when a woman is very young, it is up to the man to help her shape her behavior, before it is too late.

That grinding stuff with other man and the flirting stuff open the doors for disrespect (being charm WITHOUT sexual innuendo is one thing and acceptable...but be overly flirty is another) .

But I don't know your girl. That's why I am not going to say "Dump her". No, after 1.5 years together and without any evidence. But I won't say, "Buy her a ring" either. Not yet.

 

[Latinoman]

It is puzzling. She always has before with guys that are trying to get with her. She tells me about the guys who hit on her. She tells me when her ex calls her up crying (when we were first dating). But, she really does think I trust her completely. When her "friend" guys call, such as this guy, she has never told me. One other guy called her one time when we were together, obviously trying to flirt, and I asked who it was, and she told me in a way that said, "Don't worry about him." She said she's never been sexually attracted to any of her clients.

And that's fine. And it is cool she has told you about those guys. However, they (the clients) need to show respect for YOU. And for that matter her. They are not friends...they are clients. They have NO right to be contacting her. She is getting tip because of the service she is providing while cutting their hair. A tip very well the ones that cut my hair too as I typically spend 35-40 dollars. But my tip is based on what they did with my hair. Not on me having the right to call them during their off time and try to meet with them.

Nobody give me a spill about her having guy friends. They are friends because they pay her to cut their hair. That's something I have to deal with.

They are NOT her friends. They are her clients. And she should not tolerate their advances during OFF hours. The guys can try to be "charming" or even try to hit on her, while she is cutting their hairs. That stuff happens. And she can brush that off and even smile at that as that comes with the territory.

However, make no mistake. They are NOT her friends. They should not be calling her at her PERSONAL number during PERSONAL hours.

It possibly could be her just being a little too friendly to keep her guy clients, who by the way are big tippers, esp. the lawyer. I'm talking like a $50 haircut and a $20 tip.

Well...she can be charming and smile and do all that stuff WHILE doing her JOB as it might be part of her job. But why do that during private hours? Is she prostituing herself for a $20 tip? Is that how much value the relationship have for her? Is that the price for her respect and yours?

As I said...being charming WHILE doing the haircut is expected. But...calling her cell phone or her home number and engage into "frienship" with clients? That's completely unacceptable.

Work stay at work.

 

[Sinistar]

They are NOT her friends. They are her clients. And she should not tolerate their advances during OFF hours. The guys can try to be "charming" or even try to hit on her, while she is cutting their hairs. That stuff happens. And she can brush that off and even smile at that as that comes with the territory.

However, make no mistake. They are NOT her friends. They should not be calling her at her PERSONAL number during PERSONAL hours.

Ah, beat me to it - the Latinoman is good!

 

[Last Man Standing]

Speedy, I think you are making allowances because you are hooked by her putang!!! Open your eyes kid!!!!!!

I am flabbergasted by the dudes on here who take hors seriously and even consider marriage - we are obviously living in the end-times!!

 

[bigjohnson]

Yeah, because any woman who's had sex is obviously unsuitable for marriage. Dirty little slvts.