Now, this crap really sucks

[backbreaker]

Hey everyone.

For the most part I have been doing fine. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I couldn't ask for more from, I have a 3 month old baby boy who is just adoreable, things are great on the business front.. all was fine and dandy in the world of backbreaker.. unitl this.

this actually happened on my mini hiatius

For those of you who know me, you know I am a recovering addict. Anyway, you also know I work out religiously. So after an NA meeting this woman comes up to me and asks can she come work out with me when I go.. I was on my way then so I told her let's go. So this goes on for about 2 weeks. Then she asks well... you wanna grab something to eat after we work out? Sure why not. So now everyday we go from working out (whichDon't get me wrong, I enjoy the company, but I'm not trying to bone the woman or anything, I'm happily in a relationship. I never told her to come) to eating out (which I never brought up). Then we (she) decides it would be nice to go swimming. so next thing you know I'm in the mall watching her try on 2 piece swim suits.

My GF knew about this and didn't have the slightest bit of a problem. I thought I had a new friend who I could work out with and at the same time help her stay clean. That is what recovery is supposed to be about.

Not a bad looking woman.. she's older (37) but not unattractive at all, but not my type. never made a move on her even with all this. She's bulimic, I think that's the word and she had relapsed 4 times over her weight and tried to kill herself once. So I figured i was being a good boy by helping. Boy was I wrong.

So about 2 weeks ago she texts me and and asks me did I want to go bowling. I love to bowl.. umm. okay, sure. So then she texts me back and says well, she is sore, would I want to go get pizza instead. Something in my mind clicked at that point.. it wasn't the bowling she was interested in, it's me, or at least that's what clicked. Because had it been bowling and she was sore we could have just postponed for another time. She wanted to go on a date. she is just 2 months clean and I wouldn't want to jeopardize our friendship and her sobriety.. and most importnly my relationship, and I can do much much better. So I text her back and say never mind, we will do something else another time.

So the next day at the NA meeting she comes up to me and (get this) tells me that "we both overstepped our boundaries" and how she didn't feel comfortable, and that I sounded like a jealous boyfriend when I said never mind.

first of all, how can you sound like anything texting? Secondly, I didn't overstep anything, I don't even like you. You follow me around like a lost puppy, telling me how you like to date men outside your race, asking for back massages and buying me books, like I can't buy them myself. And I'm overstepping MY boundaries? I never told you to tag along in the first place. Anyway, I'm like umm...o-kay. Bye.... never really told you to come follow me around in the first place.

so the next day I get a knock on my door from the police.. she filed a police report on me. yeah she took it there. So here I am, just as shocked as I could be. I am explaining that for me to do that, I would ahve to be attracted to her, which i'm not.

it was all he said/she said so they dropped it but it was hell nevertheless.

What I didn't get, is that there are two levels. you have the first level.. "hey we spend alot of time together, you and I get along, you aren't half bad looking, let's go out on a real date" level.

then after that you have the inappropriate level.

I never even got TO the first level. I never put my hands on her, never made any suggestions or anything that she could take in the context that I wanted her for more than a workout buddy.. and hell considering she was 115 soaking wet and out of shape she wasn't a GREAT workout buddy.

I have actually been depressed over this, very much so. VERY much so to be honest. My GF has even noticed it. I stopped going to meetings. I feel like a cheap used crack *****.

 

[jophil28]

Recovering FEMALE addict.
That middle word makes the other two very scary.

 

[Alexander the Great]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Damn BB, down right pathetic what she did. Sucks big time for you. I can imagine you feeling depressed. I think I would too if my innocence and good intentions had been raped like that. Maybe that's how it feels for you?

What else can I say? Not much really other than strength of soul to you. Bloody crazies...

Oh wait, good to hear things are otherwise so positive in your life! :cheer:

Think of that.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I have actually been depressed over this, very much so. VERY much so to be honest. My GF has even noticed it. I stopped going to meetings. I feel like a cheap used crack *****.


I'm surprised at your reaction. Why do you think you feel that way?

Not to excuse her calling the cops on you, that was wrong, but she is obviously hurt, too. She liked you a lot, pursued you in the only AFC fashion that she knows, and got rejected. That hurts - even to crazy b!tches. But the problems are in how she deals with being hurt. She might be bipolar or have other psychological issues beyond her addiction that would explain her behavior.

I know a few pretty crazy people. They are friends and great people...until the craziness kicks in. Then I have to step aside and let them be crazy for a while without taking anything they say or do too seriously, or too personally and being hurt by any of it.

 

[wayword]

You need to read The Autobiography of Malcolm X. He got railroaded by some blue-eyed devil F-buddies who later cried rape. Some things just never change...

As has been said before, easily 50% of rape charges are false - and many out of petty vindictiveness. I'm sure it's the same with assault charges, etc. It's statistically proven that women lie a lot more and love playing the victim card when convenient. And feminism has essentially spawned empowered victims now. These are similar to the female versions of the Columbine killers - but who use feminist laws instead of bullets.

So caveat emptor. Never let your guard totally down when you play with snakes. Especially older White bulimic junkies, c'mon!

 

[backbreaker]

I have actually been depressed over this, very much so. VERY much so to be honest. My GF has even noticed it. I stopped going to meetings. I feel like a cheap used crack *****.


I'm surprised at your reaction. Why do you think you feel that way?

Not to excuse her calling the cops on you, that was wrong, but she is obviously hurt, too. She liked you a lot, pursued you in the only AFC fashion that she knows, and got rejected. That hurts - even to crazy b!tches. But the problems are in how she deals with being hurt. She might be bipolar or have other psychological issues beyond her addiction that would explain her behavior.

I know a few pretty crazy people. They are friends and great people...until the craziness kicks in. Then I have to step aside and let them be crazy for a while without taking anything they say or do too seriously, or too personally and being hurt by any of it.

she actually is bipolar

 

[backbreaker]

i'm not going to play the white card. my GF who I care about dearly is as white as snow. I don't think it's a race thing. I think it's a crazy physo ***** thing. and they come in all shades

 

[Bible_Belt]

she actually is bipolar

bingo. I know craziness.

My last gf/fb was borderline, which is like a subset of bipolar - they have the same freakouts. When she was mad, the gloves came off as to what you can say in an argument. I was a little upset at the things she would say. Her favorites included:

I never came with you; I was always faking.
You're a pvssy and I never felt safe going anywhere with you.
All my friends know I'm not attracted to you; I just try to get you to buy me stuff.

But then I would hear her get mad at other guys, and say the exact same things to them, word for word. They were just her favorite insults that she hurled out to whatever guy she was mad at. It's just craziness, and nothing to take personally, which helps because she was only trying to make me mad anyway.

 

[decades]

I am going to give you some tough love because I see this very differently than the others do.

Lie down with dogs wake up with FLEAS.

This is on you man for trying to have your cake and eat it to. Let's not be naive and try to pull the wool over our eyes. Who works out with the same woman friend every day for two weeks in a row? She asked you for massages. No light bulb went off in your head that this might not be what friends ask of each other? How often do you go watch your purely platonic female friend try on bikinis (major red flag)? Since when does going swimming with a woman equate to going with her to pick out suits? It didn't occur to you to tell her that you would meet her at the pool?

You say you were doing this for "altruistic" reasons. How are you supposed to HELP her? Are you a therapist who is trained in helping seriously ill people? You should know from your own recovery work that what you were doing was CO-dependent behavior and not healthy for either of you. You should know that sticking to your own BIDness is the way you are going to stay clean and out of Trouble.

You were playing with fire here, getting so close to a woman who is not only in recovery, but in your same group. I am no expert on AA, but what I know of these groups is that what you were doing probably is a no no unless you are her "sponsor".

You have a great thing going but you placed yourself in a precarious position that could have ruined EVERYthing, your sobriety, your relationship with GF and child, all because you were really jazzed to be getting some EXciting, albeit crazy, female attention that could have lead virtually anywhere, including to bed. And all that was exhilarating.

Dude this is a lesson for you.

 

[backbreaker]

that is not even worth responding to.

 

[backbreaker]

. I am no epert but what I know of these groups is that is probably a no no unless you are her "sponsor".

then why did you give me a 2 paragraph tirade on something you admit you knownothing about?

Since you aren't an expert, I will help you. One of the basis of revery is that addiction is extremely selfish, and it is. when I got high all I thougth about was myself. The AA book says that self obsession is the core of our diease.

By helping other people, by giving back, I am returning the favor of the people who lended a hand to me when I was down in the dumps. There is entire chapter called "working with others". Not only is it okay, helping other recovering addicts is essentual to recovery.

It's no pulling wool over your eyes, jsut becuase she has a virginia doesn't mean I want to be inside of it. that's a chumps thinking. She could have very well been a gay man that would have came to me and I would have done the same thing.

This is on you man for trying to have your cake and eat it to.

have my cake and eat it to. I never called her, I never TOUCHED HER.. i said she asked for massages I never said I gave her one. For me to have my cake and eat it to, that woudl imply that I wanted the cake that was out on the table (her) which I don't. But even if I did, massages don't have to be sexual. I grew up giving my mom massages and I don't' want to **** my mom. I go to get one every week and I dont' get a hard on when I am getting one because it's "so erotic". And given the fact that she was lifghting weights for the firs time in her life, I would bet she was pretty damn sore. Again, stop thinking like a b!tch and thinking that just because she is a woman that I want to be with her. that is really how women think.

How often do you go watch your purely platonic female friend try on bikinis (major red flag)?

actually pretty damn often. I have 2 female friends that there is just nothing there, if I were single it would be nothign there. we go shopping all the time, I dont' give a damn, you only give a damn when you want to **** them.

Since when does going swimming with a woman equate to going with her to pick out suits? It didn't occur to you to tell her that you would meet her at the pool?

she doesn't have a car. and again how about asking before assuming something.

You were playing with fire here, getting so close to a woman who is not only in recovery, but in your same group.

again you are making the assumption that I went out of my way. Every day after meetings she would ask am I going t to work out, and ask could she join along. what the hell am I supposed to say? no, because you are a woman and you not ready to look at a man? that's thinking mighty highly of yself to think that just because a man she wants to **** me. you can look at me and tell I work out, she asked me when was the next time I was going to work out, because she wanted to get back in shape.

some of you really have absolutly no real life experience. that's why I don't post here anymore, with these damn glass box responses.

I'm getting *****ed out by a guy I don't know for honestly, trying to help someone. No alterior motives whatsoever.

 

[backbreaker]

the more I think about it, I'm going to show you just how screwed up your logic is.

When I found out, or it "clicked" that she wanted to go on a date, if I "was
trying to have my cake and eat it too"... why would I NOT go on the date? Didn't I succeed in having my cake and eating it too?


if the whole point was to have my GF and F this girl on the side, when it became, at least in my eyes, apparant that she was to some extent game, why not push forward?

anyone here that has been here for a while knows just how crazy I am about my current GF, it would take a hell of a woman, and I mean a HELL of a woman to make me draw off and so something like that. I can't get enough of my current GF, so yeah.. I really don't want to **** this girl.

 

[KontrollerX]

I think you are down about this situation because good deeds should be appreciated BB. Well thats what we all learn growing up anyway, but unfortunately in the real world this is not always the case. Appreciation usually only comes from decent people who learned the same early lessons we did.

And those decent people that know the score are the only kind of people it is safe to help in a highly personal face to face basis.

Other people who have no concept of reciprocity like the chick you helped can only really be dealt with by helping them out of sight in some way if possible similar to dropping some cans of food off at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Up close and personal help for unstable people well the risk usually outweighs the rewards.

So try not to feel bad about this bro.

You just maybe had too high a deep seated belief that all people will respond favorably to doing good for them or even be insightful enough to recognize good is being done for them and appreciate it instead of biting your hand off over it.

So yeah you can still help people just make sure to do it in the most effective possible way for the type of person you are dealing with from now on.

 

[backbreaker]

you are right.

I mean is that too much to ask? for people to repsect the fact that you give a **** and are trying to help? I do have a hard time saying no.

My GF and I talked about it and she said that I have to understand that these people, while we ahve something in common, we are nothing alike. I used for what.. a year and some months? This girl has been using since she was 13. She has spent her entire life using people to get what she wants. She is dealing with an entirly different level of mniuplation. Case in point if my old oneitis that brought me here in the first place would get mad, she would do things to try to get back at me.. but things that NORMAL people do. you know like, bring another guy around you to make you jealous.

What I have to understand is that there is nothing NORMAL about someone who has tried to kill themselves twice and has been using for 25 years.

She seemed like she was serious about being clean, who am I to not help her be the best clean person possible?

at least that was my philosophy.

 

[penkitten]

sometimes women are nothing but trouble hahahah!

 

[Interceptor]

Retracted.

 

[jady]

Dude, I know your intentions were good but you did a couple of recovery no-nos.

If she was only sober for a few months she should not have been hanging out with you at all. Nothing will complicate recovery like the opposite sex. Also, where was her sponser in all this? the Sponser (which should be a woman) should never have let her hang out with you (no judgement it's just the rules)

Also isn;t it seriously frowned upon to socialize 1 on 1 with a member of the opposite sex in your recovery group? It was in mine.

All you are guilty of is being niave. Lesson learned.

 

[backbreaker]

it's frowned upon to date within the first year. But from what i was assuming, either of use was trying to date.


I'm sure if she was a 350 pound fat hag no one would have a problem with me working out with her. The fact that she's not unattractive "throws a loop". trust me at least it didn't in my eyes.

my problem is with crack cocaine. not with women. She had 6 years clean before she relasped. Yes she has a sponser, but i am not on three way when they talk. Shoot I barley talk to her myself. Again you are making the assumption that I went and tried to have a relationship with her. I'm just a guy who likes to go to the gym and had someone follow them there everyday.

Again.. real life here.. someone asks you to help them get in shape.. I don't know about you but I do it. and I feel good about it.

she told me how she was happy being single, hell i'm in a relationship. what hte hell else am I supposed to do? I'm not physo mantis, I can't read people's mind.

 

[sodbuster]

I didn't need to read to the bottom of your post to know trouble was coming. Don't know where your 6 th sense was, but "spider senses" should have been tingling. Next time you want to ride up on a white horse and save a woman,shoot the horse,have a barbeque and invite your friends[they at least will be grateful]

 

[Tazman]

I am going to give you some tough love because I see this very differently than the others do.

Lie down with dogs wake up with FLEAS.

This is on you man for trying to have your cake and eat it to. Let's not be naive and try to pull the wool over our eyes. Who works out with the same woman friend every day for two weeks in a row? She asked you for massages. No light bulb went off in your head that this might not be what friends ask of each other? How often do you go watch your purely platonic female friend try on bikinis (major red flag)? Since when does going swimming with a woman equate to going with her to pick out suits? It didn't occur to you to tell her that you would meet her at the pool?

You say you were doing this for "altruistic" reasons. How are you supposed to HELP her? Are you a therapist who is trained in helping seriously ill people? You should know from your own recovery work that what you were doing was CO-dependent behavior and not healthy for either of you. You should know that sticking to your own BIDness is the way you are going to stay clean and out of Trouble.

You were playing with fire here, getting so close to a woman who is not only in recovery, but in your same group. I am no expert on AA, but what I know of these groups is that what you were doing probably is a no no unless you are her "sponsor".

You have a great thing going but you placed yourself in a precarious position that could have ruined EVERYthing, your sobriety, your relationship with GF and child, all because you were really jazzed to be getting some EXciting, albeit crazy, female attention that could have lead virtually anywhere, including to bed. And all that was exhilarating.

Dude this is a lesson for you.

I actually agree with this to an extent, but I don't see a reason to get so offended. You have to remember that all we can do is interpret what's posted, no one here is personally hanging out with you watching how you interact with other people.

You say that something "clicked" when she asked if you wanted get pizza instead of going bowling and you decided to opt out. My opinion is that something "clicked" long before this, I mean dude you had to know she was interested in you, but you probably enjoyed the attention until she tried to escalate just a bit further, then you pulled the plug.

Did you talk about your relationship with your child and GF while you were hanging out with this chick? Her reaction was way over the top especially if she "knew" about your current situation, but then again you said she was bipolar so it's almost like you were asking for trouble.

Whether or not you genuinely wanted to help her is not in question and no one's saying your hanging out with her was necessarily wrong, but you have to take some responsibility for participating knowing what you were dealing with from the start.............a single, bipolar, recovering addict, female.