No initiative on her part

[skinnydart]

So I finally asked a girl out, and to my surprise she said yes. We get together and have a good time, and whenever I call her up and ask her for another date she says yes but other than that she does not take the initiative in calling me or anything.

I try to take advantage of every opporotunity I get apart from college and work to find something that we can do but because she works in the evenings and goes to college as well, i only up getting together with her like once a week.

I realize I should be the primary one taking the next step, but I'd think that she'd give me a call sometime or give a suggestion or something instead of me doing 100%, am I right on this? What are your thoughts? Is this a sign of low IL?

 

[TheNonPedant]

if she's accepting your dates its all good!

Who cares if she calls?

But i suggest after awhile....to stop calling....

that makes her decide if she wants to call you....might be awhile...but her intentions will be known then.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

YOU ask her for another date but YOU are waiting for HER to follow up? Does something seem a bit strange here? Not to say that wanting her to take some initiative is a bad thing, but have you ASKED HER to plan something? Do that and you'll be able to tell if she's interested or not.

 

[crotchrocket]

skinnydart I've been there and what I have to tell you may not be what you want to hear but here it goes.

I dated a girl for 9 months once a week at the very most, called only once a week... I initiated everything, she would call me back, say yes to pretty much every date I suggested, but she did not even once phone me up and initiate. I tried the whole don't call for a while thing several times, for a whole month twice, even that didn't work. On the night I finally decided I didn't want to be her social co-ordinator anymore I confronted her about never initiating anything, she got royally pissed at me, told me "I have other friends you know" and "I've been busy" and she even used the excuse "I'm shy" wtf?!

Your girl (like mine) is a taker and will likely always treat you this way. Maybe it's low interest level, maybe she's just a spoiled little daddies girl, maybe she's always been treated by guys this way (do everything for her), maybe she's walking wounded ... who knows?

I'd say do what Francisco d'Anconia and TheNonPedant, suggested, but draw a line and if she doesn't meet you there, either accept it or move on and find someone else. Since I dumped my girl, I've only looked back enough to remind myself how much better I've done since.

 

[DeathDealer]

First of all. What're you looking for? Are you looking for a girl that will follow wherever you go or are you looking for a 50/50 relationship or at least close to it (with her doing some calls and suggesting places where to go.)

I've dated girls like this and all I gotta say is that in real life they're boring, I believe in the 50/50 relationships. And when girls do not call at all and I do most of the calling. It only means that they do not think of anything of me.

 

[skinnydart]

Maybe it's low interest level, maybe she's just a spoiled little daddies girl,

She's more of the shy/quiet type, I don't see her hanging out with other guys much.

I'm looking for an LTR, doesn't have to be a 50/50, even a 80/20 would be better. I mean, as it stands now, if I stopped calling, just to see what she would do, she wouldn't do anything, except say hi to me in the halls.

As soon as I call her, she's always prompt at returning my calls, not blowing off the dates, and says she has a good time.

Francisco d'Anconia, when you say "but have you ASKED HER to plan something?", what am I supossed to do, how to I ask her to plan something? What form would that take?

 

[Dukester]

not sure on your question. but like to add that i only see my g/f at the most 3 times a week.
she doesnt take the time to call me, and i dont call her on the phone, cuz phone convo is pointless, and only gets u in a rut faster.
n e wayz- my g/f was shy when i met her, and now she's not too shy n e more (at least around me). but i think she still has those shy person tendancies, that's why she's not very assertive.
When I do go see her though, she's pretty into me for the most part, and we always have a good time.

 

[Lan]

She could be dating you because she feels sorry for you. Its true! They do that! biotches..

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by skinnydart
...As soon as I call her, she's always prompt at returning my calls, not blowing off the dates, and says she has a good time.

Francisco d'Anconia, when you say "but have you ASKED HER to plan something?", what am I supossed to do, how to I ask her to plan something? What form would that take?

It sounds as if she has a decent IL in you since she's making herself available to you. Why not call her and say "Let's do something different, I'm going to let YOU take me out. You make the plans plans for the day and I'll be your willing partner."

If she asks why just tell her that you think it would be fun to find out how creative she is and what SHE would do for fun. Women with a high IL usually like this type of thing because it gives the allusion of partnership and you caring about what she enjoys. Plus it takes the pressure off of you.

Also remember to tell her sometime during the date that you really appreciate her doing this for you. This gets it into her mind that this is a way that she can please you and that you do not take her efforts for granted. Typically they will start doing it more but remember that you have to pull your own weight too and not slack off.

 

[The TallOne]

I tend to follow the line that after a month or so of dating.. and she doesn't call you once,(not a returning call, a 'taking the intiative call) then move on.

I don't think 50/50 relationships is possible.. but I also think that the girl has to make some kind of effort into the relationship as to either calling/planning. I shouldn't be spendin my whole time going after her and plannin stuff with her... espically when she is calling other people and making plans with them. (I love it when they do that!)

If she calls and says "We should do something." then I'll decide what to do.. but she made the effort to call and to put the planning in place.

 

[Lan]

If she doesnt call you once, then she really doesnt give a **** about the interaction with you and is using you for her self amusement.. Not how I would want to be "dating"...

Im not flaming here.. Im just trying to show that your thinking is wrong. I've had LTR's and all of them have been WONDERFUL for me.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by The TallOne
...I don't think 50/50 relationships is possible.. but I also think that the girl has to make some kind of effort into the relationship as to either calling/planning. I shouldn't be spendin my whole time going after her and plannin stuff with her... espically when she is calling other people and making plans with them. (I love it when they do that!)

If she calls and says "We should do something." then I'll decide what to do.. but she made the effort to call and to put the planning in place.

Personally I stay away from women that say they want a 50/50 relationship. Consider these two things:

1. To have a 50/50 type of relationship you need to measure things to make sure that they are equal. Have any of you dated a woman that kept track of the things she's done for you so that she could get something in return? THIS SUCKS! They will constantly hold over your head the things that they've done or even worse, THE THINGS THAT THEY HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO DO! Now what kind of noise is that???

2. (This takes out of the box thinking to understand) Anything that is only 50% is in a nutshell HALF. So in a 50/50 relationship each person is giving half, right? Personally I do not want my partner to only contribute half of what she is capable of doing nor would I contribute only half.

Why not each person do their best (whatever that may be at that given moment) and give 100%? Yeah, people have good days and bad days but who cares if on a bad day you give less than you would on a good day but none the less, it was the best you could do on that particular day? And a person's best is not compared to the best of what their partner can give, that would be too much pressure to try to "keep up."

So I ask why do things half @ssed? Isn't it better to go all out, balls to the wall? Now what if your girl had the same mentality? Would that not be cool or what???

I recently met a woman that calls me twice as much as I call her. We may see each other only once a week but she'll call and ask if she can come over after work on some day. She'll also mention a few things that we could do and that we could decide once we get together.

I like her because she is spontaneous but also have ideas and that she's flexible. Most of all she lets me know that she would just like to see me no matter what we do. I in turn do the same with her. It's very relaxed and we always have a great time together. One of us could take the other to dinner or one of us could cook something for the other at home. It doesn't matter what we do of who decided what, we just enjoy one another's company.

Hopefully that example shows how a partnership can work without having to be 50/50. 100/100 has a much better return rate.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by skinnydart
So I finally asked a girl out, and to my surprise she said yes. We get together and have a good time, and whenever I call her up and ask her for another date she says yes but other than that she does not take the initiative in calling me or anything.

I try to take advantage of every opporotunity I get apart from college and work to find something that we can do but because she works in the evenings and goes to college as well, i only up getting together with her like once a week.

I realize I should be the primary one taking the next step, but I'd think that she'd give me a call sometime or give a suggestion or something instead of me doing 100%, am I right on this? What are your thoughts? Is this a sign of low IL?

It's traditionally the man's responsibility to initiate dates. You lead, she follows. This is the normal way of things.

Two questions though:

1) How long have you been seeing her? If it's only been a month, I wouldn't worry about it. But if you've been seeing her for a while now and she NEVER calls, not even to say "hi", I'd at least drop any sense of commitment you have to her. You don't have to break it off completely, but just only call when you're interested in seeing her and stop feeling obligated to make plans. Use her for sex if nothing else. Which brings me to...

2) How far have you gotten with this girl? If she's been responsive to you and you're at least at a point where heavy making out or sex is a regular thing, then you should keep her around. If you've "been with her" for a while, but she NEVER calls you and you've NEVER f**ked her...then you're not really "with her" at all. You're her back-up plan. In her mind, going somewhere with you beats being home alone.

If it bugs you that much, WHY are you still with her?? Find someone else, dude. But just remember that women expect the men to take the lead. It's one thing if you want a girl who's more enthusiastic. It's another thing entirely if you want her to lead for you.

 

[crotchrocket]

skinnydart; Like I said, if you are o.k. with doing all the work, great! accept it and keep going.

But, in the case of my girl, after our (what turned out to be the second-last) date I even told my girl "it's your turn...if you wanna do something give me a call..." which led to ME calling HER after a month of no contact, and again she eagerly agreed to the date, and as I wrote before-you know how it ended.

I'll describe my ex., see if this sounds familiar; exceptionally good looking, has several close/long term girl friends that she spends lots of time with, she seemed a little quiet and shy around me at times, she admitted to being stubborn, even though she never initiated calls she always returned my calls (usually the same day/next day), she seemed smitten with me but always a bit distant, everytime I'd call or run into her she would pleasant and seem happy to talk, she was rarely in a hurry to leave, we always had a good time, but she never mentioned 'we she do this or that...", never introduced me to her friends, after every date she seemed genuinely thankful for the date... I could go on and on...

There is some seriously strong advice on this thread from us guys that have been there/done that once/not gonna do that again, but in the end it's all up to you!

 

[The TallOne]

Crotch,

How old was your ex?

Just wonderin.

 

[skinnydart]

So in a 50/50 relationship each person is giving half, right?

When I say "50" I'm refering to the percentage of interaction I initiate vs. interaction she initiates. 50/50 is me calling her/suggesting getting together about the same amount she calls me/initiates something.

How long have you been seeing her?

Not long. I met her a year ago through work, but other than her iming me and chatting every now and then, i didn't think twice about asking her out until I came to this site. I asked her out for the 1st time a couple weeks ago, and we've gone out a few times since then, but I know quite a bit about her since we've met a while ago.

Like I said, if you are o.k. with doing all the work, great! accept it and keep going.

I don't mind doing it, I guess I'm just assuming she would show some interest after a few dates. And yeah, she hasn't introduced me to any friends or anything. crotchrocket's ex sounds similar.

 

[Dukester]

relationships, you dont want them to be 50/50.

It's kinda weird, but you want it to be 80/20. You give 80% and recieve 20%. BUT she does the same, gives 80% and receives 20%.
I know the math doesnt add up, but for a happy successful relationship it should be 80/20 on both sides.
Hope that makes sense

 

[crotchrocket]

The TallOne,

my ex who I now refer to as the 'ice-queen', was 24, so you'd think immaturity wasn't the issue. Actually I know now she must have been a member of the 'walking wounded' club. It's all good though, we all need to experience this kind of girl, you learn to value the girls that give something back that much more.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

With all these percentages you guys should just go into finance and put women on the back burner...

 

[The TallOne]

Originally posted by crotchrocket
The TallOne,

my ex who I now refer to as the 'ice-queen', was 24, so you'd think immaturity wasn't the issue. Actually I know now she must have been a member of the 'walking wounded' club. It's all good though, we all need to experience this kind of girl, you learn to value the girls that give something back that much more.

Yeah.. if she was young, I thought maturity was an issue.

But I agree with you on her being a WW person.. I've run into alot of those type of people. I used to think that I could change them, get them to start trusting people and bring up their own self-esteem.

Its not worth it, keep them as friends, but don't go out of your way to change her lifestyle, she needs to realize it on her own.