New relationship - having trust issues

[AlmostThere]

So I've started seeing a new girl for a few months. Relationship is going really well. She's told me she loves me etc.

Now I've got my best guy friend, who always brings along another guy who is also kind of my friend. This "kind of" friend is kinda new to the circle, I don't know him really well. Anyways, he is always joking around sexually with my best friend's gf. It's kind of disrespectful, but that's between those two guys, I don't get involved.

Went out a couple of weeks ago with my gf, and my best friend and the new guy showed up a little later. Whenever I would start talking to my best friend, the new guy took every opportunity to chat it up with my gf. I of course ignored it, but it did bug me. When they left, he even went to hug my gf, which kinda irked me.

Anyways, since then, every couple of days my gf will bring up that night and invariably makes some comment about the new guy. Like "oh remember that night? New guy said this and that lol!"

I haven't let it show that it bothers me, but I'm wondering whether or not I should bring it up? My gf is very into me and everything is perfect except for this.

Also at one point in the night, while I was talking with my best friend, I caught "new guy" just staring at my gf, giving her the "i wanna fck you" eyes. I turned my head to look at her after a few seconds and I couldn't really tell if she was looking back at him. But my eyes must have caught something for a split second because I've been thinking about that moment ever since. I could be mistaken though...

I don't really have a lot of good options here.

Bring it up with the gf and look insecure?

Have a chat with the new guy next time I see him and tell him that I see what he does with my best friend's gf, but not to try that shyt with my gf?

Just break up with my gf because I've got a bad gut feeling about her bringing him up? Could be tossing something good out though. It may be harmless and I don't want to over-react. She's so into me that I find it hard to believe that she could want "new guy".

I do trust my gf and she is friendly and can chat with guys, but I don't trust "new guy" or like him very much.

 

[Falcon25]

Hey guy,

She is already fuvking him. Now, you should start ****ing other women. You should pull back and be ready for the news. Don't jump to conclusions, you will find out soon. In the meantime, see other women. It will intensify her attraction to you. Once you find out he fuvked her, dump her. Just stay back, cool, calm, and collective. And try not to catch feelings for a girl who has the wondering eye. You can't stop his actions, but her's speak a thousand words............I would also not be around people like that. I would make sure that we weren't near guys like that, I would be afraid of getting in a fight and fuvking him up so bad that I end up in jail. Sounds like you are a pushover. What is the matter with you? Don't put yourself in situations like that. Step back, breathe, find another girl. This one doesn't sound good. I would kick his ass so bad, I would do it so she doesn't see it though. Man, just reading this angers me. I would fuvk this guy up.

 

[AlmostThere]

Hey guy,

She is already fuvking him. Now, you should start ****ing other women. You should pull back and be ready for the news. Don't jump to conclusions, you will find out soon. In the meantime, see other women. It will intensify her attraction to you. Once you find out he fuvked her, dump her. Just stay back, cool, calm, and collective. And try not to catch feelings for a girl who has the wondering eye. You can't stop his actions, but her's speak a thousand words............I would also not be around people like that. I would make sure that we weren't near guys like that, I would be afraid of getting in a fight and fuvking him up so bad that I end up in jail. Sounds like you are a pushover. What is the matter with you? Don't put yourself in situations like that. Step back, breathe, find another girl. This one doesn't sound good. I would kick his ass so bad, I would do it so she doesn't see it though. Man, just reading this angers me. I would fuvk this guy up.

Seriously?

 

[zekko]

I doubt very much that your girl is fvcking this guy. That sounds like a huge jump to conclusions. It would actually make it much easier if she was, because then you would just dump her and problem solved. She is probably just enjoying this guy's attention.

Which is not to say it couldn't go somewhere in the future. It sounds to me like this new guy doesn't respect boundaries. I have no doubt he would like to fvck your girl if he could. Him talking to her shouldn't be a problem, but giving her the bedroom eyes and grabbing the hug sort of makes my alarm bells go off. Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with the hug, it just sounds like the guy doesn't respect boundaries and is an opportunist. I've run across a similar type of guy recently and there are guys like this on the forum. Guys who are mainly interested in getting a piece and it doesn't matter to them where it comes from.

I don't see how much good could come from confronting anyone involved, it will only make you look insecure. I would just set up my life so that it would not include this new guy, I don't care what the best friend would think about it. Sounds like he doesn't understand how to respect, so he has lost his right to hang around with you. IMO.

As for the girl, you'll have to keep an eye on her in the future. I don't think she's done anything wrong up until now, but there may be at least a yellow flag there. She may not be worthy of your trust in her. Or she may, you'll have to figure that out.

 

[Kailex]

I'll second what zekko said and further elaborate.
If you confront him, he will deny it and play you off as insecure and clown you about it. What's worse, whenever he's around your girlfriend, he'll KNOW that he's driving you insane by talking to your girl, so he'll do it with even more of a purpose.

Talk to your girlfriend and she'll think you are crazy and insecure.

You have no win-win scenario by talking to either of them because nothing "concrete" has happened.

But the fact that she's mentioning him is NOT a good sign.

Simply put, if you can avoid situations where this person is going to be, go ahead and do it. If it comes to a point where you have severe trust issues with your girl, then it's time to abandon ship.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

Breaking this down.

Everyone is right on the money, this is an issue waiting to happen!

But look and think of this guy's behaviour. He comes across as being a natural with women, he's a sexual type of guy around them. Get's the hugs in as well.

I'm sorry to say, but you probably won't win this battle. But take it as a learning process, and follow the previous advice given. Do what you can, but don't take it personally if it happens.

All the best soldier, we've all been there!

 

[Tazman]

I say ignore the guy unless he does something disrespectful to you. You can't prevent this type of thing from happening without looking jealous and insecure. What if it happens outside of your social circle, like at work? You can't do anything about some guy who likes your chick, all you can do is observe her behavior and go with your gut.

If you feel like she's thinking of jumping ship or really entertaining the idea of being with another guy make sure you have an exit strategy.

 

[5string]

Red flag buddy. Be vigilent and listen to your gut feelings. Agree with most all of the above posts. Typical behavior though. She has some other guy who's sniffin, and is flattered by it. It validates her as a female. Whatcha gotta watch out for is if she intitates contact with him. So far this does not appear to have happened. If she does, get back on here and talk with the forum if you need advice.

 

[AmIAFC]

"New guy" wouldn't be pulling these stunts with Mike Tyson's or John Gotti's girl, which leads me to believe that he simply doesn't perceive you as a man worthy of a high level of respect or concern.

 

[squirrels]

"New guy" wouldn't be pulling these stunts with Mike Tyson's or John Gotti's girl, which leads me to believe that he simply doesn't perceive you as a man worthy of a high level of respect or concern.

Is it that, or does "new guy" just not give a f**k?

 

[DavenJuan]

Almost...

Jealousy is a dangerous thing. It can play many tricks on your mind brother.

Im not saying this to assume that you are simply jealous, bur rather to mention that IF its a possiblity that you are, then SMALL things start to look a lot worse than what they are.

What ends up happening, is you start LOOKING for signs that you are right, and it becomes self defeating.

IMO, i dont see anything your gf did wrong. You are out with YOUR bestfriend as she tags along, and shes making conversation with whoever since you and your bud seem to go off on your own. I dont see fault with this. Or better yet, if you are going out with your Bestfriend, maybe she shouldnt tag along when you guys hang out...just a suggestion.

She is responsible for her own actions anyway. You cant control that no matter how hard you may try. If she decides to cheat on you, then fvck her, its her lost and you move on. she has to answer for herself.

As far as this guy hugging your gf, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I hug every female i know who is in my social circle. Even new woman i meet that i have been introduced to. its just a part of my personality.

My big thing with this is you simply cannot be responsible for other peoples actions. What difference would it make if you approached this guy? If he has eyes for your girl, you attacking him wont change that.

The only persons actions you can control is yours. when youre out, enjoy your time instead of what "potential boyfriends" your girlfriend may or may not be suiting.

now dont get me wrong, im not saying whether or not she is interested or not in this friend of yours. She may already be visiting his bedroom for all i know. but based on the information you have given us, it seems a bit premature.

Go out and have fun. Stop worrying about things out of your control brother.. it will drive you crazy.

 

[jophil28]

Women all love male attention and they are usually not too picky about where, and from whom they get it.
Your situation is familiar to me. Almost every one of my G/fs over the years has attracted 'flies' in social settings. These guys seem to enjoy approaching 'taken' women and chatting them up. IT can be annoying sometimes, especially when you want to head out to another venue and your g/f is deep in convo with 'new guy trying too hard '.

As 5string said, this is only a real problem if she begins to initiate contact with him.

I have used this tactic in the past to deal with a guy who is 'sniffing ' around my girl....humor is often your best weapon.

Jophil walks up," Hey, I'm Jophil.." ( I shake his hand a little too firmly )

Jophil," Are you single ?" ( I know the answer - this guy is SO single )

Fly says," Yeh, I guess. I broke up with my last girl ...blah blah.."

Jophil," Next time I see you I'm gonna give you the phone # of this hot single mother I know. You are gonna love her kids too. She has three kids- two normal and cute, and one other. Her ex is in jail so he won't be a problem, and she needs a stable guy like you in her life.
You drink or do drugs ? She is past all that now. Anyways, remind me when I see you next and I'll give you her #... you'd be perfect together. I'll tell her you will call her."

Any traction that he has built up with your g/f is lost, and he will most likely just smile weakly and walk away while you are quietly laughing your azz off.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You always have options, four in this case, as I see it.

1) Say and do nothing, quietly sulk, and as DavenJuan said, you will continue to find more and more evidence to "prove" your fears. Not your best option.

2)Just dump her and move on. This may seem like a decent option, but I wouldn't personally recommend it unless you bounce it off her first (see #4)

3) Tell the dude to stay the fukk away from your girl. Not the best option. You don't know this guy, and he may likely talk sh*t behind your back, or may very well seduce your girl just for spite

4) Have a talk with your girl. NOT A CONFRONTATION. Explain her talking about other guys bothers you, and you're not sure you can be in a relationship with a girl who is so open and talkative with other guys. DO NOT ASK OR TELL HER TO CHANGE HER HER BEHAVIOR. that is death, and it never works. Instead, just openly and calmly question the relationships ability to continue, as you and she are different people with seemingly conflicting interests. Just say "you're an outgoing girl who likes to flirt, and I'm a guy who gets jealous easily. I'm not sure we're a good match," or something like that.

Don't worry about being judged harshly for saying you get jealous easily. It is a universal truth that everybody, especially women, share. She'll feel you.

If you've got a pair, make sure to politely talk to other attractive women while she's around, nothing flirtatious, just enough to plant the seed that you aren't all that intimidated by attractive women. let her come to the conclusion that she is easily replaceable. Don't tell her this. Let her discover it on her own.

With that discovery, combined with your honest question or whether or not this will work out, is about all you can do. If she ON HER OWN changes her behavior, because she really values your relationship, then you're good.

However, if she (and you must be ready to WALK if this happens) thinks you're the one with the problem, and not her, say it just wasn't meant to be, part of friendly terms with no looking back.

BTW, when she says "I LOVE YOU," it is only valid in that particular moment. She is not claiming any future feelings or behaviors. Many guys get hung up on this, and think it means the future is certain.

It never is.

And remember, EVERYTHING YOU EXPERIENCE is a golden learning opportunity.

 

[NewMan]

I like everyones responces thus far.

I'd like to add 2 cents.

The only thing in your armory is if "new guy" crosses the line with your girl in front of you. Say for example he says something that's disrespectful - you need to call him to the rug about it right away. you need to do it right away, and you make sure in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with him talking to your girl that way.


The other thing you can do, is to go out with your buddy and the new guy sans your girl friend. Then you can rip on him all night and make sure he knows where he stands.


I wouldn't worry about your GF.

 

[Julian]

Bro if some dude stepped to my girl like that ,#1 my girl would shut that **** down on the spot...plus YOU look weak not protecting whats yours. When Im out with my girl my personal bubble surrounds who im with wether my bros or my women.

Regardless if someone who I dont want tries to enter my realm of influence they better be prepared to battle for it because I will put an end to that game in an instant if not its gonna come to blows. Try and hug my girl? Dude you are serious you so much as put a friendly hand on her your gonna get knocked the fuk out. Plus my girl wouldnt even think about hugging some dude. fk that.

For instance:

Scenario, your all hanging out talking. You turn for a sec to to your bro to say something. You glance back and see dudes leaning in talking to your girl. First of all I forgot to add this part but your girl should be shut him out instantly if not you already lost her and you never had her.

 

[AlmostThere]

Lots of responses to this so I guess it's something we all deal with at some point or another.

She hasn't brought it up at all since I posted the original post.

I think I'm going to take everyone's advice here to heart and figure out a plan if it happens again. Not quite sure what approach I'll take just yet.

And julian - I'd like to be like that, in fact I used to be, but it just causes too many problems. However, you're right that your woman should shut that stuff down right away.

When I'm with a girl, if she introduces me to her friends, I'll maybe give a handshake, say hello and that's really it. I don't try to become their best friend or anything. Maybe I should start playing that game though as it seems women do it very well. Why not be a little flirtatious with her friends?

 

[DavenJuan]

Lots of responses to this so I guess it's something we all deal with at some point or another.

She hasn't brought it up at all since I posted the original post.

I think I'm going to take everyone's advice here to heart and figure out a plan if it happens again. Not quite sure what approach I'll take just yet.

And julian - I'd like to be like that, in fact I used to be, but it just causes too many problems. However, you're right that your woman should shut that stuff down right away.

When I'm with a girl, if she introduces me to her friends, I'll maybe give a handshake, say hello and that's really it. I don't try to become their best friend or anything. Maybe I should start playing that game though as it seems women do it very well. Why not be a little flirtatious with her friends?

be careful on what type of advice you get brother..... its some really BAD advice on here.

whats the point in playing "games"??

 

[zekko]

IMO, i dont see anything your gf did wrong.

I pretty much agree with that. Like I said before, maybe a yellow flag.
The guy may be all right, but I get a creepy vibe off of him. That may just be from the way the OP is telling it though.
I definitely don't have a problem with my girlfriend talking to some guy.
As long as it doesn't get excessive, and as long as there are no one on one meetups.

As far as this guy hugging your gf, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I hug every female i know who is in my social circle. Even new woman i meet that i have been introduced to. its just a part of my personality.

Where I'm from guys aren't huggers. Only the gay guys hug their female friends. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with hugging, I'm just saying in my area it isn't done.

I remember reading some pickup guru guy saying you should hug every woman you meet. When they go to shake hands you say, I don't shake hands, I hug. Meh. It always sounded kind of contrived to me. I suppose it depends on what part of the country (or world) you live in.

 

[Kailex]

I suppose it depends on what part of the country (or world) you live in.

Definitely. In my home country, not only is it customary to hug, but also kiss on the cheek to greet even the simplest of friends.

Still, you can always differentiate a kiss on the cheek from a kissssssss on the cheek and a hug from a huggggggggggggggg.

 

[5string]

Hmmmm. Only time I would hug anyone is in a time of sorrow or great joy. Kissing a gal even on the cheek for me is out of the question, whether I'm married or not. Cultures differ, however, aint into huggin women like alot of guys. Just think that's kinda lame. Now holding a woman in an intimate moment would be a different story. There is a guy that goes to this cafe that my wife and I frequent. He's a serial hugger with women. I just role my eyes at him because he makes a concious effort to do it all the time! My wife won't get near him as he trips her out. Plus I don't think he'd go there as he's scared of me anyway. He does hug any gal he can if he can get away with it regardless as to the gals status. Even does it to women in front of their husbands. Again, things might be different in other countries and such, and that's OK. But as for me, I'm not gonna hug you, and you'd better not try to hug me. That's my culture. Other than the wife, there is one exception, my mother. She rocks!