New Jokes Thread

[johnmich]

A man went to the vets with his dog.

He said "I'm sorry doc but my dog is badly bogeyed. Can you take a look at him?"

The Vet says "sure" and does several tests on him - shines a light in his eye, tests some reflexes.

He then picks up the dog and looks it straight in the face. He does this for a couple of minutes.

The dogs owner, a little confused says, "Whats wrong"

The Vet replies, "Im going to have to put it down"

The worried man, even more baffled at this statement frantically asks why his dog is to be put down.

The Vet looks at him and says

"Its heavy"

 

[FunnyCide]

blonde jokes

A blonde and a brunette are standing in an elevator when an attractive gentleman walks in. The brunette notices the gentlemen had dandruff and when he walked out she said to the blonde "He could really use some Head and shoulders."

The blonde replies "How do you give shoulders?"


How do you get a blonde girl to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.


Why do blonde girls have briuses around their belly buttons? Because blonde guys aint that bright either.

 

[lordson]

Two campers are sitting by their fire when a huge brown bear suddenly
appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees
the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys grabs his backpack,
digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

 

[penkitten]

blast from the past bump!

 

[HandyAndy]

thats fvcking awesome lol

 

[DJDamage]

I remember hearing another joke about this guy that is having a Long Distance Relationship with this girl in college. He kept sending her letters saying how much he loved her until one day he recieved her letter saying:

"Dear John, I am sorry but I met someone else, I would apperciate if you stopped sending me anymore love letters".

John started to panic because he didn't want to lose her so he send more letters and poems describing his undenying love for her. She angirly reply back with another letter and a picture:

" Dear John, I told you to stop sending me more letters, I am in love with someone else and to prove that I provided a picture of me sucking my new boyfriend's c0ck so fvck off!"

Dear John got angry so he took the photo and put it inside an envelope and wrote in it:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I am having a wonderful time in college, please send more money"

and he send it to her parents.

 

[penkitten]

rofl damage!!

 

[comic_relief]

I remember hearing another joke about this guy that is having a Long Distance Relationship with this girl in college. He kept sending her letters saying how much he loved her until one day he recieved her letter saying:

"Dear John, I am sorry but I met someone else, I would apperciate if you stopped sending me anymore love letters".

John started to panic because he didn't want to lose her so he send more letters and poems describing his undenying love for her. She angirly reply back with another letter and a picture:

" Dear John, I told you to stop sending me more letters, I am in love with someone else and to prove that I provided a picture of me sucking my new boyfriend's c0ck so fvck off!"

Dear John got angry so he took the photo and put it inside an envelope and wrote in it:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I am having a wonderful time in college, please send more money"

and he send it to her parents.

That is fvcken amazing. i heard the other one, but that one made my night.

comic_relief

 

[Kidfabulous]

hahahaa. Both are awesome lol :crazy:

 

[DJDamage]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?

 

[joedmango]

"McCain was asked how he's going to conserve energy. He said by taking three naps a day"

 

[The Bat]

Did you hear about that new STD you can get from birds?

It's called Chirpes. It's a canarial disease, although it appears to be tweetable.

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Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted.

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How do you make an 80 year old yell, "FUCK!!"??

You get another 80 year old to yell, "BINGO!!"

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A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”

The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. It eats shoots and leaves.”

 

[Ken785]

I'll add one:



There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I Do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'


Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, He'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the Son-of-a-b1tch who ran over my FROG!

 

[PDubb75]

Good thread with some good jokes. Thought I would bring it back to life. And I'll add one:

A man is celebrating his birthday at his house with a bunch of friends. He starts opening the gifts and gets to a small box from his lesbian neighbors. He opens the box and finds a beautiful new Rolex.

The man has a disappointed look on his face, so his friend comes up and asks him why he isn't happy with a new Rolex.

He turns to his friend and says "I think they misunderstood me. When they asked what I wanted for my birthday I said "I wanna watch".

 

[The_Jon]

Why blondie puts two glasses: one full and one empty on the table next to bed?

Answer:
She might want to drink and she might not...
________________________________
Some good stuff

 

[SAV40]

HaHa the thread originator has returned. Thanks to those who kept this going for ten years! And wherever you have gone Etoile, please remain there :cheer:

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. The husband gives a tear-filled eulogy about what a wonderful wife and mother she was, and wonders how he'll live without her.

At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.















As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

 

[DJ Bax]

A communist, illegal alien, and muslim walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "What can I get for you Mr. President?"


Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.


(Neither of these are my jokes)

 

[SAV40]

There was this guy Bob, and he was in a really rough spot in this life. He owed more than he had, and his creditors were always up his ass. As every day passed, his depression became worse and worse.

Then something weird began to happen. Bob went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

Bob was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

Again Bob ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, Bob was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and go to Vegas!!!"

Each time Bob heard the voice he became increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money, and headed to Vegas. The moment Bob got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's." So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." Bob did as he was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told Bob, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, Bob cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished Bob good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. Bob anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number... 18.
The voice said,


















"Damn..."