New Jokes Thread

[Spike_the_Dragon]

Actually, the invisible man said: "I dont' know, but my @$$hole is killing me!"


This one isn't really a joke, but its kinda funny.


"37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man"



". Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal."

 

[CableLight]

Here's something you can do anytime someone tells a joke about Jewish people...

While everyone's laughing, look kind-of angry and, with a serious voice say, "My grandfather was killed at a concentration camp."

Then, when everyone starts feeling bad for laughing, say "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower."

Ahh...Stupid.

 

[Hot Ice]

Originally posted by CableLight
Here's something you can do anytime someone tells a joke about Jewish people...

While everyone's laughing, look kind-of angry and, with a serious voice say, "My grandfather was killed at a concentration camp."

Then, when everyone starts feeling bad for laughing, say "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower."

Ahh...Stupid.

Haha, that was damn good.


I wonder why there's so much nazi talk around...

 

[St_Joey]

Q: How can you tell if a woman faked her orgasm?

A: Who cares?

 

[m4a1]

Originally posted by St_Joey
Q: How can you tell if a woman faked her orgasm?

A: Who cares?

The only funny thing about that joke is that you probably won't score with the hottie after it comes out of your mouth, lol.

 

[m4a1]

I don't memorize jokes, I mean the ones where almost everyone has heard. It's all good and funny, but I prefer to make funny observations.

I've never read this joke any where, maybe it was said or mentioned (probably), a girl I met worked as a part-time nurse at a local hospital, so I asked her how she skips a day's work if she felt like it "How do you call in sick?", they'll be like "Oh Ok, we're expecting you to be here in a few minutes", then you'll be like "Oh no, I'm not sick", they'll be like "Ok, we're still expecting you"
It doesn't sound funny in text, maybe someone can word it better, but she laughed her a$$ off and I didn't feel like a robot that picks up jokes and uses them. Almost every occupation/major has funny observations about it.

 

[Engetsu]

q: how do you get a nun pregnant?
a: Disguise her as an altar boy.

 

[padrote]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?









Christopher Walken


Was funnier when he was alive.

 

[WhitePimp]

I was so happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way and my friends
encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me indeed .......
that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She
would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many
a pleasant view of her breasts. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.

One day, little sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was
to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and didn't really WANT to
overcome!

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and
get me ............."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled
down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door,
stepped out of the house, and walked straight towards
my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

The moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Snatchmaster]

The worst part about being an athiest is that there's no one to talk to while getting a blowj0b.

 

[RaWBLooD]

Originally posted by CableLight
Here's something you can do anytime someone tells a joke about Jewish people...

While everyone's laughing, look kind-of angry and, with a serious voice say, "My grandfather was killed at a concentration camp."

Then, when everyone starts feeling bad for laughing, say "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower."

Ahh...Stupid.

thats actually really good, i like it

 

[Abbott]

This isn't actually a joke, since it describes me. But women I've met have often found this funny:

"Coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, and sex are the four food groups." - Yours Truly.

I just quote myself every time.


However, this only works if you're a smoker who drinks coffee frequently and alcohol more than once a week.

It's possible to substitute "caffiene" for "coffee" and "tobacco" for "cigarettes" if you use different varieties.


Ben

 

[diablo]

"Jokes that young hawties especially like" merged with "New Jokes Thread".

In the future, do a search. Thanks.

 

[DJDamage]

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

 

[DrBeard]

There's this dude and he is pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop gets his plate number and shiat and asks him his name and where he works.

The man replies: "My name is Wankbreak and I work at the iron factory in town".

The policeman lets him off with a warning and goes on his way.

The next day, the policeman catches the same guy speeding, but this time the cop gets called out to an emergency and the man gets away.

But later in the day the cop decides to call up the iron factory and demand to speak to the man.

He calls the factory and says "Hi, this is the police and I'm calling to see if you have a Wankbreak at your factory".

The man replies: "No sir and we only get 30 minutes for lunch!"

 

[DrBeard]

Why did the chicken cross the road?



Cos if you cross the road, head through the garages, past the Prince Alan pub and up this alley way, it leads to the flats where he lives.

 

[Climax]

Originally posted by 007~JC
Hey man I got one too.
----------

Q: Why did the bird cross the road?
A: To come and talk to DrBeard!!!!!!!!!

CAWCAWCAW!!!!!!!!!! ROFL!

:crackup:

-007

As lame as that is, it still made me laugh!

:crackup: :woo: :crackup:


Laterz...

 

[diceman]

Check some oh these out…

Q: Why does a blonde girl wear knickers?
A: Ankle warmers!

I asked my girlfriend for a bl*wjob
& She said “it’s a bit presumptuous to assume I’ll suck you off on our first date”,
& I said “presumptuous is a big word for a seven year old”.

Dr. Taylor was sacked from his job for sleeping with one of his patients,
Which is a shame cause he was a brilliant vet.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde girl says after sex?
A: “Do you guys all play for the same team?”

I went round a mates house who is 34 & I knocked on the door. His 13-year-old son answered the door in his pants, a cigar hanging out his mouth, a glass of whisky in his hand & a rolled up porn mag under his arm.
“Is your dad in?” I asked. He said “what the f*ck do you think?”

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde girl does in the morning?
A: Opens the car door!

A guy is walking down the beach when he trips over something. He looks back & sees a small lamp. He brushes the sand off it & a genie pops out. “Thank you for releasing me from my prison” the genie says. “I will grant you one wish, & when you awake in the morning, your wish will be fulfilled!”
So the guy makes a wish & rushes home & goes straight to bed. He wakes up in the morning & looks under the sheets. “Damn that genie! I knew it was too good to be true,” he says to himself.
But then, there’s a knock at the door. He goes downstairs & answers it & there’s a member of the KKK standing there in his white robes & holding a rope.
“Hello there” he says, “I heard you want to be hung like a black man.”

Q: How many left-handed midgets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three!

Tony Blair asks his secretary into his office telling her he wants to show her his clock.
When they enter he closes the door & drops his pants. “That’s not a clock” she says,
Tony says “it is if you put two hands & a face on it!”

Q: Why did Elton John sing at Princess Diana’s funeral?
A: Cause he was the only queen who gave a f*ck!


I would tell some gay jokes but the last time I told some I got in trouble with the Pink Mafia & found a My Little Pony head in my bed.

 

[diceman]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 Ib. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So, for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
"I'm Ronald. If I catch you, you're mine..."

 

[Climax]

Some funny cartoons:

KFC

Bird sh!t

no guns?

South park/Dragonball`Z


blah


Laterz...