New Jokes Thread

[Desdinova]

A mother is taking a bath and her son walks into the bathroom. He points at her cvnt and says, "Mommy, what's that?"
Mom says, "That's where daddy hit me with the axe"
Her son says, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cvnt"

 

[souporman]

Magical Frog

One bright day, a bear is hunting around when he sees the rabbit. Starving, the bear chases after the rabbit but is soon stopped by a colorful frog. "Hello," the frog said,"I am a magical frog." The bear glared blankly. "If you stop chasing this rabbit, i will grant you both 3 wishes." Amazed by the deal, the bear agrees and gets his wish first. "Hmmm..." the bear thought long and hard until he came up with a first wish, "I'd like all the other bears in this forest to be female." The rabbit laughs then makes his wish with ease, "Gimme a helmet." Neither the bear nor the frog understood why he would make such a wish, but POOF! A helmet soon appeared. The bear was up again, "I wish all the other bears in this country were female." The frog grants his wish then waits patiently for the rabbit to make up his mind. "I wish I had a motorcycle," said the rabbit. POOF! His wish was granted. The bear had come to his final wish and he soon said, "I wish all the other bears in the world were female." The rabbit laughed hysterically and he hopped on his motorcycle, and strapped on his helmet. After calming himself down... the rabbit made his final wish, "I wish this bear was gay." Then sped off into the forest.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by Desdinova
A mother is taking a bath and her son walks into the bathroom. He points at her cvnt and says, "Mommy, what's that?"
Mom says, "That's where daddy hit me with the axe"
Her son says, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cvnt"

That's funny! That's right up the alley of the "bug with a huge d1ck that hit the windshield" joke.

 

[SheepSter]

1) What is the difference between a mosquito and a blond?

The mosquito stops sucking when you hit it on the head.

2) What is the difference between a Porsche and a blond?

You don't borrow the Porsche to your friend.



Love to use these in the presence of blond women .

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by SheepSter


Love to use these in the presence of blond women .

and how do they respond to that?

 

[SheepSter]

I tell the joke then start staring at their hair. Then laugh with my wing. I don't care what they think, this is just funny sh|t to pull. Most of the time they just start hitting me on the shoulder or something.

*You could tell the mosquito joke and after that hit the blond (lightly ofcourse) on the head and confirm that it's true and she still sucks. Never did this though.

 

[Panda 2000]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodle.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Cruise.

I also like those 'german' jokes that are funny because they are not funny. I love using them when I go out.

Why do women fake orgasms?
To give the impression that they have had an orgasm.

What's red, round and bad for your teeth?
A lollipop.

How come you can't find aspirine in the jungle?
Because it would be economically inefficient to sell pharmaceutical products in a rarely populated and inhospitable area.

 

[Not So Easy Rider]

An old rich man is expecting to die in a few months. He wants to be buried with three million dollars to use in heaven. Since his family is untrustworthy, he gets a preist, a lawyer and his best friend, gives a million to each of them, and tells them to drop it in his coffin right before he is buried.

In a few months, he dies and all three of his trustees show up to the funeral. The priest is first to toss in his portion of the money, but explained that he needed some of it for repairs to the church; the friend is next and explains that some of it was used to pay off his debt. The lawyer is last and, after showing his disgust for the other two for spending their portions of the money, drops a check in the coffin.


A caveman married a Chinese lady, what name did they give the son?
Ug-lee.

 

[DJ Mission]

Jokes that young hawties especially like

Does anyone have some jokes that especially the ladies especially find funny.

Any jokes that you should stay away from?(ex: dead baby jokes!)

 

[kel]

Funny ones.

If you're going for "young hawties", preferably avoid the following topics:

Feminism, Racism, Crib Death, Torture, Murder, Books, Culture, Cars, Computers, etc.

 

[St_Joey]

Don't tell this joke:

--

"How do you get a gay man to f--k a woman?

"Fill her c-nt with sh-t."

--

They never laugh. Never.

 

[Hot Ice]

Originally posted by St_Joey
Don't tell this joke:

--

"How do you get a gay man to f--k a woman?

"Fill her c-nt with sh-t."

--

They never laugh. Never.

AHhhahahahahahahahhHAHhhh!

That's a good gender test!
If the test subject is laughing, he has to be male. I dúnno about gays though

 

[AFK Protector]

you: wanna hear a joke?

her: sure

you: women's rights. hahahahhaha

her: ::SLAP + CROTCH SHOT::

you: me balls!
_____________________________

 

[Spike_the_Dragon]

Originally posted by St_Joey
"How do you get a gay man to f--k a woman?

"Fill her c-nt with sh-t."

...Thats just wrong, man...

 

[SheepSter]

3 GF's are talking. The topic is on BJ's. So the first Girl tells that Jack, her BF, always has cold balls. The second girl tells that her Robert also has a cold pair when she gives him a BJ. The third girl tells that she never gave a BJ too her BF. So the other girls tell her that she must do it, before he goes looking for some girl that does give a BJ.

So later that night she decides to give her BF a nice BJ.

The next day she meets up with the girls and tells them all about it. They ask her why she has a blue eye. So she tells them that when she was giving her BF a BJ she said: "Cool, your balls are warm when I give you a BJ, Jack and Robert's aren't.

 

[Hot Ice]

Originally posted by AFK Protector
you: wanna hear a joke?

her: sure

you: women's rights. hahahahhaha

her: ::SLAP + CROTCH SHOT::

you: me balls!
_____________________________

That's actually pretty good for a bratty biatch!

Like:

her: whine, whine, b!tch, b!tch, b!tch

you: wanna hear a joke?

her: ????

you: womens rights! haahaha

you: you slap her on her cheeck.

her: ooooh, fvck me handsome!

 

[SamePendo]

Great ones.

 

[chalk]

One of my fav's...

supermans standing on the edge of a beach generally being cool and scoping out the situation when all of sudden he spots superwomen, lying there naked.

"ALRIGHT" he thinks "Since i'm faster than i speeding bullet i'll zoom over there, bang her at super speed and then zap off. Yeah!"

So he zooms over and does the business.

Superwoman jumps up "What the hell was that" then the invisible man climbs off her and say's "I don't know but it hurt like f*ck!!!"


.....................
oh and..

me: 'whats brown and sticky'

her: duh... a stick.

me: no. my knob after i as* f*ck ya

 

[Hot Ice]

OMG that superman joke cracked me up! more more!

 

[Spike_the_Dragon]

Actually, the invisible man said: "I dont' know, but my @$$hole is killing me!"


This one isn't really a joke, but its kinda funny.


"37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man"



". Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal."