Jango_Xavier
Senior Don Juan
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Sorry, GigaloDJ but I have known that joke since I was 15 so 6 yrs now.
New Jokes Thread
- Thread starter SAV40
- Start date
Jango_Xavier
Senior Don Juan
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Hey wait up a minute im not critizing b/c its a great joke all im saying is that the heading says "little joke I just made up" and ive known that joke a long time already so he couldnt of made it up.
Jango_Xavier
Senior Don Juan
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GigaloDJ, ok I believe u b/c it can happen b/c im known by my friends as a joke teller and I make up heaps of jokes and some jokes I think I made up some say theyve heard it b4. So what im trying to say is u can make up a joke all by urself and never have heard that joke b4 but its probaly already been around for yrs.
No disrespect GigaloDJ.
No disrespect GigaloDJ.
Cogent Ops.
Don Juan
Post your best.
On_the_Top
Senior Don Juan
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How do you know when a porn star visits a gas station?
He will spray gas all over his car before before pumping the gas.
A group of guys wanted to rob a bank, but they didn't want to cause a scene in the day time. So they decided to break in at night. When the robbers got to the safe they found no money, but instead, they found what they thought, were cups of yoguart. One robber said "Dang no money, but at least we get a free meal." The robbers ate till morning then left.
The next day the news paper headline said, World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed!
Last one
A guy was sitting at a bar crying, his friend comes up to him to ask him what is wrong, the man says "I got fired from the sperm bank." "Why?" replied the friend. "For drinking on the job!"
He will spray gas all over his car before before pumping the gas.
A group of guys wanted to rob a bank, but they didn't want to cause a scene in the day time. So they decided to break in at night. When the robbers got to the safe they found no money, but instead, they found what they thought, were cups of yoguart. One robber said "Dang no money, but at least we get a free meal." The robbers ate till morning then left.
The next day the news paper headline said, World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed!
Last one
A guy was sitting at a bar crying, his friend comes up to him to ask him what is wrong, the man says "I got fired from the sperm bank." "Why?" replied the friend. "For drinking on the job!"
Nooby Doo
Don Juan
You have an unhealthy fixation with money shots dude. Kinda disturbing, almost as bad as mine:
Why do some men beat their women?
(said in a polite tone)
Cuz they don´t F*CKIN LISTEN!
(said with a menacing snarl and a raised pimp hand ready to b*tchslap)
Evil-Rom
Master Don Juan
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If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
At this point you probably have a woman (or multiple women) chasing you around, calling you all the time, wanting to be with you. So let's talk about how to KEEP a woman interested in you once you have her. This is BIG! There is nothing worse than getting dumped by a woman that you really, really like.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.
Good Jokes
Post some good jokes you guys have heard...
-------------
The Sperm Bank Heist
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the goddamn safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the goddamn safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There", he says, "its not that ****ing difficult is it!?!"
Post some good jokes you guys have heard...
-------------
The Sperm Bank Heist
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the goddamn safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the goddamn safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There", he says, "its not that ****ing difficult is it!?!"
Made This One Myself
A guy is on trial for running down 42 people.
The judge asks him, "Why did you kill all these people? Are you insane?"
Guy says, "Your honor, its not my fault. You see, I was driving down this narrow street and all of the sudden my brakes stopped functioning. As I was skidding down I noticed a busstop on the right of the street where 40 people were standing and a pair of 2 guys on my left talking to each other. I knew that if I drove straight ahead I would kill all 42 so I decided to hit the 2 on my left. All I had to do was kill both of them and the other 40 would be saved. So... I swerve to the left and I hit the first one and he dies immediately... but the other guy... that moron, he ran to the other side of the street!"
A guy is on trial for running down 42 people.
The judge asks him, "Why did you kill all these people? Are you insane?"
Guy says, "Your honor, its not my fault. You see, I was driving down this narrow street and all of the sudden my brakes stopped functioning. As I was skidding down I noticed a busstop on the right of the street where 40 people were standing and a pair of 2 guys on my left talking to each other. I knew that if I drove straight ahead I would kill all 42 so I decided to hit the 2 on my left. All I had to do was kill both of them and the other 40 would be saved. So... I swerve to the left and I hit the first one and he dies immediately... but the other guy... that moron, he ran to the other side of the street!"
Aztec
Master Don Juan
> > > > Subject: Drinking Buddies
> > > >
> > > > Two married buddies are out drinking one night
> > > > when one turns to the
> > > > other and says, "You know, I don't know what else
> > > > to do. Whenever I go
> > > > home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
> > > > headlights off before
> > > > get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
> > > > coast into the garage.
> > > > take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
> > > > sneak up the Stairs,
> > > > get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed
> > > > and my wife STILL wakes
> > > > up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His
> > > > buddy looks at him and
> > > > says,
> > > > Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
> > > > I screech into the
> > > > driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
> > > > throw my shoes in the
> > > > closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
> > > > say, "WHO'S
> > > > HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound
> > > > asleep.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Two married buddies are out drinking one night
> > > > when one turns to the
> > > > other and says, "You know, I don't know what else
> > > > to do. Whenever I go
> > > > home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
> > > > headlights off before
> > > > get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
> > > > coast into the garage.
> > > > take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
> > > > sneak up the Stairs,
> > > > get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed
> > > > and my wife STILL wakes
> > > > up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His
> > > > buddy looks at him and
> > > > says,
> > > > Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
> > > > I screech into the
> > > > driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
> > > > throw my shoes in the
> > > > closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and
> > > > say, "WHO'S
> > > > HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound
> > > > asleep.
> > > >
Paranoid
Senior Don Juan
Why did the chicken cross the road?!?
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR - I agree with George.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA -In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH -Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON -Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SAUNDERS - Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON - Mmmmmmmmm . . . . C h i c k e n
O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
CHARLES DARWIN - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
TONY BLAIR - I agree with George.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA -In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH -Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON -Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SAUNDERS - Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON - Mmmmmmmmm . . . . C h i c k e n
O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
CHARLES DARWIN - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Lol, read this joke a long time ago. I would like all celebrities to "say a part" in this joke. Too bad that's all they got unless someone can come up with it that fit real enough to look like the celebs really did say it.
Dee-Zy
Master Don Juan
LOL
there's mad good sht here!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
there's mad good sht here!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Dee-Zy
Master Don Juan
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
RawkinKaoticStyle
Senior Don Juan
Tell a Joke
all this seriousness
hey , somebody tell a joke.....!!
all this seriousness
hey , somebody tell a joke.....!!
It doesn't matter how good-looking you are, how romantic you are, how funny you are... or anything else. If she doesn't have something INVESTED in you and the relationship, preferably quite a LOT invested, she'll dump you, without even the slightest hesitation, as soon as someone a little more "interesting" comes along.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.