New Jokes Thread

[SAV40]

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman
can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends...

What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it
takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their
new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only
two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay until
his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot? "How
come?"

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? By sticking your finger in his honey.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for ****s.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.

What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU
come and SHE leaves.

Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.

What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand
falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies? There'd be too many thank you notes to
write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a *******.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as
substitutes for meat.

What do you call kids born in *****houses? Brothel sprouts.

 

[SAV40]

A Lady Goes to the Doctor.......

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age"
holistic doctor, as a last resort.



"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't
go away."




The doctor replies, "You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the
mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this
mantra:



"I really don't have a headache...I really don't have a

headache". Do it as long as it takes, and the headache is just going to
vanish."




As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a
headache...".



She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is

gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back
up to the doctor.




"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband?
He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "



"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."


"Send him over."




A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her
husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to
wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws
her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When
he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.




A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss
and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After
another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the
bathroom again.




At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She
tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and
sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers
pointed at his temples, repeating:




"That woman is not my wife,
that woman is not my wife....."

 

[Sisko]

HAHA LOL

 

[SAV40]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm
going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He
swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain his composure he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the
convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use
information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said, "and what
kinds of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it
is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it
is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that
the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even
know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends
call me Bubba."

 

[Aztec]

 

[Dario]

Something taken from the local IRC server:

<Chubbzilla> bcos it doesn't allow for change of ip <Chubbzilla> you dick <Chimp> cock, plzkthx

<Dareon> ...Or... wait. That could be a GOOD thing, depending on one's definition of "eat"

<Dareon> I swear, I'd lose my wang if I didn't make sure it was there every hour or so.

<Desfolt> Suck my wang
<Tovart> yeah
<Tovart> That'd be nice too.
<Tovart> er
<Tovart> the forum thing, not sucking his wang

<Hexadecimal> someone's gonna invent a voice operated dildo one day.

<Him> I'm always nice
<Dario> Him: no you aren't
<Him> SHUT UP YOU FUCKING WANKER

<Resare> Memo to self: Don't type a sentance, swith to see if hentai's loaded then switch back and attemptivly finish sentance whilst still thinking about breasts

 

[SAV40]

While walking down the street one day a female
> head of state
> > is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul
> arrives in heaven and is
> > met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to
> Heaven," says St. Peter.
> > "Before you settle in, it seems there is a
> problem. We seldom see a high
> > official around these parts, you see, so we're not
> sure what to do with
> > you."
> >
> > "No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
> >
> > "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher
> up. What we'll do is
> > have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.
> Then you can choose
> > where to spend eternity."
> >
> > "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
> Heaven," says the head
> > of state.
> >
> > "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that,
> St. Peter escorts her
> > to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to
> Hell. The doors open
> > and she finds herself in the middle of a green
> golf course. In the
> > distance is a club and standing in front of it are
> all her friends and
> > other politicians who had worked with her,
> everyone is very happy and in
> > evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her,
> and reminisce about the
> > good times they had
> > while getting rich at expense of the people. They
> play a friendly game
> > of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also
> present is the Devil,
> > who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
> time dancing and
> > telling jokes. They are having such a good time
> that, before she
> > realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her
> a big hug and waves
> > while the elevator rises.
> >
> >
> > The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens
> on Heaven where St.
> > Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit
> Heaven." So 24 hours
> > pass with the head of state joining a group of
> contented souls moving
> > from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
> They have a good time
> > and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have
> gone by and St. Peter
> > returns.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another
> in Heaven. Now
> > choose your eternity."
> >
> > She reflects for a minute, then the head of state
> answers: "Well, I
> > would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been
> delightful, but I think
> > I would be better off in Hell."
> >
> > So saint peter escorts her to the elevator and she
> goes down, down,
> > down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open
> and she is in the
> > middle of a barren land covered with waste and
> garbage. She sees all her
> > friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
> putting it in black
> > bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm
> on her neck. "I
> > don't understand," stammers the head of state.
> Yesterday I was
> > here and there was a golf course and club and we
> ate lobster and caviar
> > and danced and had a great time. Now all there is
> a wasteland full of
> > garbage and my friends look miserable.
> >
> > The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,
> "Yesterday we were
> > campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

 

[SAV40]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one
to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys
several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the
man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for
his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
$5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for
a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.







Then, he married the one with the biggest t!ts.

 

[SAV40]

The Voodoo C0ck

There was this business man who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was the flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd do something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't so much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing throughout the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon tell me! I need something!"

Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo c0ck'."

"So what's up with the voodoo c0ck?",he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The business man laughed and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to the door and said "Voodoo c0ck, the door." The voodoo c0ck rose out of the box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo c0ck, get back in the box!" The voodoo c0ck stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered for $700 dollars in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo c0ck, my box." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife became unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willing satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo c0ck. She got it out, and said,"Voodoo c0ck, My box!" The voodoo c0ck shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she had had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to turn it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm almost made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo c0ck was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.... Voodoo c0ck, my ass!"

 

[GQ Prettyboy]

Give a redneck $1 million and what will he buy?

$990,000 worth of beer, and a $10,000 trailer house.

 

[SAV40]

> A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people
> were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
> the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
> the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
> away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except
> for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
> seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
> presence.
> So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"
>
> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
>
> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
>
> "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
>
> "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
>
> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
>
> "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for
> all eternity?" persisted Satan.
>
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
>
> "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
>
> "Nope," said the old man.
>
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
> afraid of me?"
>
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[SAV40]

NURSING HOME FUN


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short
of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males
actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that
thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and
held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

Oh, Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

 

[SAV40]

A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT DOWNTOWN, HOSTED BY A LOCAL LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE.


THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF EXTREMELY YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE; ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE COLONEL FOR CONVERSATION.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY SERIOUS MAN.
ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?"

"NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!"

THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND DECORATIONS, AND SAID, "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION."

THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF ACTION."

THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A CONVERSATION, SAID: "YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.....RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF."

THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS MANNER.

FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?"

THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955."

SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN, NO SEX SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT A LITTLE EXTREME?"

THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS MATTER-OF-FACT VOICE, "OH, I DON'T KNOW,






















IT'S ONLY 2130 NOW."

 

[Aztec]

Anybody has that joke about Superman flying over seeing Wonderwoman sprawled naked on top of a building, boinked her withought her knowing it, then Invisible Man complained to Superman about his ass hurting while having sex with WW on top of a building?

 

[SAV40]

NEW DICTIONARY


WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need... = I want.

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex
with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
within the next 3 mins

14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[SAV40]

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

[SAV40]

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that
was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his
truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

 

[Saine]

Lol!
A life or death situation:
Tell your girlfriend/wife you cheated on her!

 

[*new*]

a better one: tell her that her sister swallows

 

[Saine]

Originally posted by *new*
a better one: tell her that her sister swallows

Whoa you can read my mind!
I said that once... don't ask what happened.