New Jokes Thread

[SAV40]

Joke Forum

There used to be a "Humor" forum here with a lot of good jokes. Was it taken down? And if so, is it cool to post jokes in here? I need to rid myself of the rep I've garnered as merely a zealot amongst all the Socialists in here

 

[SAV40]

http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

 

[SAV40]

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing
a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in
and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in
Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught
consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the
day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided
they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's
my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding
and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two
pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes
before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away
whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American
replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable,handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is
it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

 

[SAV40]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there
standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
sh!t
when you hear the price.

 

[SAV40]

A middle-aged woman decides to have a face lift for her
birthday.
She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way
home,she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she
says to the clerk,"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you
think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask the
counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get
some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the
same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got
the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell. Go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra
and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of
minutes of this,she said, "Okay, how old am I?"
He completes one last caress of her breasts and removes his
hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How
did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

 

[SAV40]

New Cities discovered in Iraq:

1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Osheet-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdisheet
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin

 

[englishman]

weapons of mass destruction

Q, How does the bush U.S. government know that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

A, Cause they kept the reciepts..duh... ;-]

 

[leoncour]

What would happen if Iraq invaded Turkey through the rear?

Greece would help.

 

[wheelin&dealin]

So... I'm nailing this broad from behind and I pull out for a quick second. I notice this red stuff on my d!ck and I ask her "It must be that time of the month... right?" She says "No it can't be, I'm only 8 years old?"

 

[thejuice]

wheelin, that was sick. i didnt find that funny...8 year old? that beats your monkey post.

anyways, a joke:

Aaron is walking down the street thinking about how much he likes his philosophy class of logic when he sees his friend. He greets his friend and tells him how excited he is about his logic class. His friend, however didnt know what it was so he explaines it to him. Aaron says, "first, answer me this question...do you have a fishbowl?". and his friend replies, "yes, i do". so then Aaron continues, "well, because you have a fishbowl, i will assume that you have a fish". His friend replies, "yes, i do". Aaron continues, "So, because you have a fish, i will also assume that you like animals". "why yes, thats also true" says his friend. "And because you like animals, i will also assume that you like people" says Aaron. "yes, thats true too" says his friend. Aaron then says, "well, because you like people, i will also assume that you like women". His friend says, "yes, thats also true!". "And because you like women, i will also assume that you like hot steamy sex too" says Aaron. By this time, his friend is impressed with his logic and anxious to try it for himself. Aaron says, "what i just did is logic". So the friend leaves excited to try it fo himself and he sees another friend and asks him, "hey do you know what philosophical logic is?". The guy replies, "no, what is it?". so he asks him, "do you have a fishbowl?". so the other friend replies, "no, i dont". the friend then remarks, "what are you? some kind of fag?"

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by wheelin&dealin
So... I'm nailing this broad from behind and I pull out for a quick second. I notice this red stuff on my d!ck and I ask her "It must be that time of the month... right?" She says "No it can't be, I'm only 8 years old?"

Hey W&D! Why do your jokes always involve pedophilia, and sex with animals and inanimate objects?

 

[wheelin&dealin]

Originally posted by Aztec
Hey W&D! Why do your jokes always involve pedophilia, and sex with animals and inanimate objects?

Because I'm a sick, twisted human being...

 

[SAV40]

Defense Attorney:
What is your age?

Little old Woman:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little old Woman:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little old Woman:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little old Woman:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years
ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little old Woman
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little old Woman:
Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little old Woman:
Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take
me ...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little old Woman:
Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
...And that's when I shot the little bastard

 

[SAV40]

Words Of Wisdom

"There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380 SL."
-- Lynn Lavner


"According to a new survey, women say they feel
more comfortable undressing in front of men than
they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where,
of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert De Niro


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
-- Steve Martin


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal


"I believe that sex is one of the most
beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Tom Clancy


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to
rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-- Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chance for a
date on Saturday night."
-- Rodney Dangerfield


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake
whole relationships.
-- Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter
what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-- Jack Nicholson


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men
dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting
that many men Are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman


"See, the problem is that God gives men a
brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

 

[SAV40]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,"
the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she
explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough
of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying
there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

[Tryin to Grow a Chin]

Q: What's the worst part of having sex with a four-year-old boy?

A: Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

 

[Demon]

God did not create the world in 7 days.
He screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

It's your god.
They're your rules.
*You* go to hell.

 

[SAV40]

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman...
> > >
> > > On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through
> > > a severe storm..The turbulence is awful, and things go
> > > from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
> > >
> > > One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
> > > stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to
> > > die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to
> > > die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
> > > Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel
> > > like a WOMAN?"
> > >
> > > For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
> > > their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the
> > > desperate woman in the front of the plane.
> > >
> > > Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
> > > He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair
> > > and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
> > > unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.
> > >
> > > ........No one moves.
> > >
> > > ........He removes his shirt.
> > >
> > > ........Muscles ripple across his chest.
> > >
> > > ........She gasps...
> > >
> > > ........He whispers:
> > >
> > > "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

 

[Demon]

Etoile.

 

[SAV40]

On a dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out
to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the
roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be
called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed
entirely of men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the
newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into
the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began
to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved
the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly,
firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money "?
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to
do is fix the brakes on that fuking truck."