New girl I'm seeing... And male friends.

[Mr. Me]

>> Is it so bad that she told him she was meeting Tyler? A few posters have said that. Isn't she just being honest?>>

You have to understand what it signifies when women mention other men. I know there are some posters here who think it's normal and inevitable, and women do have male friends, but I think in terms of what they tell you and why.

I remember when I was about 20, there was a girl I was messing around with. She went away for a ski weekend with some friends, and when she came back, she told me about this very fascinating (to her) guy she met while away. Lots of details about him and his accomplishments and I just had the feeling that she was smitten with this guy to know so much about him. Or put another way, I had a feeling that this girl wasn't into me anymore, otherwise she wouldn't be blabbing about this new guy. And I never called her again - and she never called me. And look at that, I was 20 and had that good common sense! I'm so proud of myself...

Hey, wjh, you just started dating this girl, right? So, it's not like you guys are exclusive. It's just that she doesn't think twice about mentioning other guys to you, which either reflects low interest on her part, or she's just ill mannered. Her story sounds like it's meant to put you at ease, so my hunch is Tyler stayed up past 10 PM... Note that possible hiccup of hers and if you still want to date her, call her for a date less often and keep some space while you get more numbers.

 

[Nutz]

I remember when I was about 20, there was a girl I was messing around with. She went away for a ski weekend with some friends, and when she came back, she told me about this very fascinating (to her) guy she met while away. Lots of details about him and his accomplishments and I just had the feeling that she was smitten with this guy to know so much about him. Or put another way, I had a feeling that this girl wasn't into me anymore, otherwise she wouldn't be blabbing about this new guy. And I never called her again - and she never called me. And look at that, I was 20 and had that good common sense! I'm so proud of myself...

I think I was 23 when something happened to me that was almost exactly the same, only I was TDY for a 2 month class. My gf went to a party, met some guy, and all I'd hear about on the phone was stuff about this guy. I sensed something was wrong, but I didn't have the sense to cut it off. 2 weeks before I got back they were already together. At least you had the chance to drop her. I found this stuff out the hard way.

 

[decades]

Is it so bad that she told him she was meeting Tyler? A few posters have said that. Isn't she just being honest?

it would be "honest" for her to see this guy as a True friend and be DONE with it. Nobody would be the wiser if she never told her BF. But what she did was USE the situation to manipulate the relationship to her advantage.

 

[jophil28]

it would be "honest" for her to see this guy as a True friend and be DONE with it. Nobody would be the wiser if she never told her BF. But what she did was USE the situation to manipulate the relationship to her advantage.

Women sometimes tells her "A guy" about her seeing an orbiter to manufacture a rivalry between them. SHe is then the "prize ", at least in her mind, because she now believes that she has two guys competing for her. Curiously she will usually tell the A guy about the orbiter, but NOT tell the orbiter about the A guy...???

Women do these POWER plays naturally or habitually without conscious thought.
THat does not make it ok however.

 

[Nutz]

Stop all attempts to "interpret" or control a woman. It is impossible because her motives are constantly changing based on what emotional hormone dump she is currently geeking out on. Just fvck her and as many other woman you can and if one of them is the right girl for you, she will win you over. To operate from any other frame of mind or to develop "feelings" is futile and inviting disaster.

It's such a pessimistic point of view, but I've been burnt enough times to realize the truth in it. Sad isn't it?

 

[wjh]

UPDATE:

So, I took her to a music festival and art show downtown where she had a lot of fun. Something she did bothered me, I didn't react, but she somehow knew something wasn't cool. We were walking out, and I didn't want to deal with it or talk about it, I was tired and buzzed and needed to crash. She begged me to talk about it, and it turned into a whole conversation about boundaries, etc., etc., then she started crying because she wanted to "be with me" - she effectively "proposed" the bf/gf thing.

I didn't give in right away, I explained some of the things that made me uncomfortable (didn't get emotional). She apologized, with tears in her eyes, and brought up some of the negs and pull-aways I've done to her and she admitted being confused (works wonders).

I ended up staying the night at her place.

 

[Tazman]

Something she did bothered me, I didn't react, but she somehow knew something wasn't cool.

Do tell what this was, just curious.

This is funny though, she has been purposely trying to get a rise out of you and then says it was because the negs and pull-aways "confused" her. Good job, but don't let the crocodile tears fool you into getting "comfortable", thinking that everything's cool now and you can let your guard down.

I don't mean you should be paranoid about everything, but realize that you will always need to be "aware". Crying is used by a lot of women as an Ace up the sleeve, because it fools you into thinking that what's being said is the truth, which may be the case, but you may not realize there's a hidden motive (like her sensing you're going to dump her and she can't have that happen at all costs because it's too big a blow to the ego).

Just don't forget about the "games" that lead up to this. You came into this genuinely, she did not.

 

[jophil28]

UPDATE:

.. and it turned into a whole conversation about boundaries, etc., etc., then she started crying because she wanted to "be with me" - she effectively "proposed" the bf/gf thing.

And therein are another two problems( errr.... "issues" to be PC)

I have had similar talks with women. Waste of time,
Women hate "boundaries" because they dislike the individual independence and separateness inherent in maintaining them. To women boundaries are stumbling blocks to closeness. Boundaries also bring restriction and limits on behavior which grate on woman because they feel entitled to do whatever they want to achieve their objective.


I love how she resorted to crying as her first shot in her campaign to "be with me" .
You were talking about boundaries (to her this sounds like restictions, distancing and obstacles to intimacy)...So she cries and attempts to sign you up by proposing the Bf/gf thing. Ding ! Boundaries removed ! You and she have "merged ".
Crying like that is their most juvenile and basic manipulation to get you to soften and abandon your stance.


Women commonly attempt to achieve intimacy and closeness with mainly superficial gestures of togetherness. Hugging and touching , being agreeable, smiling frequently, laughing at your lame jokes....
When you talk boundaries she hears, BARRIERS.

So what was the outcome ?

 

[STR8UP]

When you talk boundaries she hears, BARRIERS.

'

That's why I keep trying to explain that words are for all intents and purposes an ineffective means of communicating with a woman.

When guys talk about laying down the "rules" i have to laugh cause she's gonna do what she's gonna do regardless of your petty words. Verbally expressing this sort of thing will only serve to push her away, NOT put her in line.

If you have to "set boundaries" the game is already over, and it doesn't matter cause she wasn't the right woman to begin with.

 

[guru1000]

'

That's why I keep trying to explain that words are for all intents and purposes an ineffective means of communicating with a woman.

When guys talk about laying down the "rules" i have to laugh cause she's gonna do what she's gonna do regardless of your petty words. Verbally expressing this sort of thing will only serve to push her away, NOT put her in line.

If you have to "set boundaries" the game is already over, and it doesn't matter cause she wasn't the right woman to begin with.

That may be because you do not have the girl's IL high enough to follow through when you overtly express your boundaries.

When a girl is into you, she will succumb to your expectations.

Boundaries are a necessary component for exclusive relationships so each party knows unequivocally what is expected and/or tolerated.

Not to be confused with the necessary traits of compatibility that should already be in place before exclusivity. Boundaries cuts through all the crap and makes clear what is disrespect.

As I am sure you live in FL, respect has a different meaning. I say this because I have dated many Florida girls who had no idea what genuine respect encompasses. I avoid unnecessary confusion by making my rules very clear. This also locks up the accountability factor so if disrespect were to occur, there will be no confusion as to why I ejected.

In the OP's scenario, this does not apply. She is a FB and does not merit the quality of an LTR. In this respect I agree with you, boundaries are futile.