Need some help pretty quickly regarding my LTR...

[Justaguy254254]

Hi guys,

I posted this in the general discussion forum, but I wanted to post it here to get some advice from older people who are probably more knowledgable about these types of situations. I'm 28 myself.... And yes, as you'll see, I like younger girls...lol

I've been a lurker for quite a while... I thought I'd ask the following and try to get some useful advice. I need some quick replies because we talked for a while tonight about this...I didn't really give any answer because I wanted to discuss this in person instead of on the phone. I'm going to see her tomorrow and that will be decision time.

I've been with my girl for about a year and 3 months. She was 19 when I first met her, and I was her first serious boyfriend. Everything has been really great up until very recently.

Some guy(s?) at work, who she finds interesting, have been offering to take her out, or inviting her to do things. She has been telling them no, because of her relationship with me, but yesterday she called and said she wasn't sure if she should be in a relationship with me... Obviously, she is curious about these guys... she said she wants to have some fun in life. I asked her right out if she is curious about having sex with others, and she said it wasn't necessarily sex, but said it is possible given an attraction that naturally happens. She's being honest with me, at least. I can appreciate that.

So what do I do? What's the best way to handle it? Declare we have an open relationship for a while...and see other girls while she hangs out with these guys? Do I just break up with her and forget about her? I could say that I don't want her to see them, but then she might just do it behind my back anyway, and even if she doesn't, she'll be resentful, I would guess. Or should I take the approach of telling her to go ahead and hang out with them, and do so with the utmost confidence and with the air that she'll still be wanting me the most after everything? I am guessing that in this situation, that might be the best thing to do. I know she likes me a lot... but it is just a wee bit bothersome to say "yea, I know there's a chance you'll mess with this guy, but go ahead and see him anyway."

I'm sure someone has been in this situation before. Did you back off and get back together? Or is there no hope of that?

I felt lots of possibilities in the beginning with her...and I still do. I would hate to lose the history I have with her completely... I don't know though if it is practical for both of us to be intimate with others and then get back together. Anyway, lay it on me, tell me what you think. Thanks.

 

[Justaguy254254]

At this time, I've come up with telling her, when I see her, "Well, this is something that you're curious about doing, and I don't own you. Go ahead and go out with this person. I am sure that you will realize that I am the better option for you, both now and in the future. I don't like the idea of having you share some time with another guy, but it is ultimately your decision."

I kinda said something similar on the phone with her tonight, that she'd realize i'm the best anyway... and she laughed, so I think it was a good way to break the tension and also appear confident about the whole situation. To get the full effect, I think I just need a very good delivery in person. And everything will fall into place as it is destined to do...

 

[Last Man Standing]

She already left you - move on!!! Don't be a punk and be loyal to someone who is getting boinked by other men!! You are officially no longer her "b/f" - let her know this!!

 

[ThunderMaverick]

She's 19 too. You're 28. You can't expect to tie a teenager down who hasn't experienced anything yet.


At the same time I know how your pride has take a blow. Her saying she was curious about other guys while with me would piss me off. It's her problem though. Her curiosity is from her youth and has nothing to do with you.

Just leave her. Remain civil. Be friends. *shrugs*

 

[Justaguy254254]

She's 19 too. You're 28. You can't expect to tie a teenager down who hasn't experienced anything yet.


At the same time I know how your pride has take a blow. Her saying she was curious about other guys while with me would piss me off. It's her problem though. Her curiosity is from her youth and has nothing to do with you.

Just leave her. Remain civil. Be friends. *shrugs*

Thanks for your input. I agree that just leaving her is a definite possibility. Maybe the best one... but I am thinking there's a chance that by saying she should go ahead with it, she'll go out with this guy and see that the unknown is not so amazing as what she has already.

 

[jophil28]

Hi guys,

. I asked her right out if she is curious about having sex with others, and she said it wasn't necessarily sex, but said it is possible given an attraction that naturally happens. She's being honest with me, at least. I can appreciate that.

.

Women tell you information about themselves in many ways.You G/f is getting ready to branch swing BUT she is trying to manipulate you into staying around until she finds the 'right' branch. You are about to be dumped my man... It may take her a week or a months, but that is where she (and you ) are headed.
The only difference here is that your G/f is not doing it behind your back like most women would.
IF you foolishly agree to wait around, you get the "honor" and the humiliation of watching her cheat in front of your eyes .

To me, what she is saying is a Dealbreaker !

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I am thinking there's a chance that by saying she should go ahead with it, she'll go out with this guy and see that the unknown is not so amazing as what she has already.

Good idea, but let her do that WITHOUT YOU. She doesn't deserve you hanging around until she makes her mind up.

 

[Justaguy254254]

Women tell you information about themselves in many ways.You G/f is getting ready to branch swing BUT she is trying to manipulate you into staying around until she finds the 'right' branch. You are about to be dumped my man... It may take her a week or a months, but that is where she (and you ) are headed.
The only difference here is that your G/f is not doing it behind your back like most women would.
IF you foolishly agree to wait around, you get the "honor" and the humiliation of watching her cheat in front of your eyes .

To me, what she is saying is a Dealbreaker !

True. That is the essence of what is going on. But I suppose I just have to be careful and no longer be invested in her and see other girls. And let what happens...happen.

 

[jophil28]

True. That is the essence of what is going on. But I suppose I just have to be careful and no longer be invested in her and see other girls. And let what happens...happen.

Try this - call her and tell her that YOU need "some space to explore dating other women " and that she is free to do whatever she wants.

Listen and watch for her reaction- you may be surprised at her reaction..

 

[iqqi]

TM is right on the money.

Let her go.

I don't think she is an evil b!tch in any way, she is young and honest, and can you blame her? She "wants to be a hunter again", as Dido would say. Her being honest with you was probably hard, and shows some integrity.

But don't for a minute lose her respect, or your own self respect, by staying around. End it with her, be cordial. And then seriously... MOVE ON. To other girls, you go out and get some other experiences, too.

It is OVER OVER OVER until you are both 100% committed to each other. That is already not the case now.

I would not be surprised if she comes back to you in the future. I wouldn't take her back too quickly either, if I was you. Let her learn the hard way, which is through experience. When she comes back, make her work hard to regain your trust.

Otherwise you will always resent her, and never fully trust her faith.

END IT TOMORROW.

 

[iqqi]

Try this - call her and tell her that YOU need "some space to explore dating other women " and that she is free to do whatever she wants.

Listen and watch for her reaction- you may be surprised at her reaction..

This seems too much like playing games. I wouldn't do this, but maybe something to a lesser extent.

For instance, tell her you think it is for the best that you guys break up completely. Don't seem heartbroken. Seem like you know you are a great catch, and given some thought, maybe you both need to see what is out there before getting so serious.

 

[Justaguy254254]

Try this - call her and tell her that YOU need "some space to explore dating other women " and that she is free to do whatever she wants.

Listen and watch for her reaction- you may be surprised at her reaction..

Interesting idea. I've considered this approach a bit too... Might be amusing in any event to turn the tables when she leasts expects something like that, since she'll be expecting me to supplicate and win her over, away from these thoughts she's having.

 

[Justaguy254254]

TM is right on the money.

Let her go.

I don't think she is an evil b!tch in any way, she is young and honest, and can you blame her? She "wants to be a hunter again", as Dido would say. Her being honest with you was probably hard, and shows some integrity.

But don't for a minute lose her respect, or your own self respect, by staying around. End it with her, be cordial. And then seriously... MOVE ON. To other girls, you go out and get some other experiences, too.

It is OVER OVER OVER until you are both 100% committed to each other. That is already not the case now.

I would not be surprised if she comes back to you in the future. I wouldn't take her back too quickly either, if I was you. Let her learn the hard way, which is through experience. When she comes back, make her work hard to regain your trust.

Otherwise you will always resent her, and never fully trust her faith.

END IT TOMORROW.

The fact that she is being honest is a nice sign of a good person...she isn't doing this behind my back. I do appreciate the evidence of integrity... it is just disappointing that these feelings have arisen in her, even though I've known since the beginning there was almost a certainty they would at some point. Apparently I've reached the point when they become an issue.

Just out of curiosity, what do you suppose the chances are that she'll want to come back to me? It would be nice if that happened... but pretty difficult in some ways too to think about since both of us will have been involved with others.

 

[iqqi]

Just out of curiosity, what do you suppose the chances are that she'll want to come back to me? It would be nice if that happened... but pretty difficult in some ways too to think about since both of us will have been involved with others.

It is really hard to find a truly good man.

From the respect it seems like she has for you, she knows you are a good man.

Like you said, she is just curious. Which is understandable. Let her go see just how green the grass really is on the other side. She will think of you each and every time she is disappointed by all the disappointing men out there.

So I think she will be back. Sooner, or later. Especially if YOU are living your life just fine without her.

 

[jophil28]

It is really hard to find a truly good man.

.

Not for a good woman it isn't..

 

[romangod]

.. it is just disappointing that these feelings have arisen in her, even though I've known since the beginning there was almost a certainty they would at some point.

Just out of curiosity, what do you suppose the chances are that she'll want to come back to me? It would be nice if that happened... but pretty difficult in some ways too to think about since both of us will have been involved with others.

The fact that she is 19 assures that these issues would have come up. More than likely this girl is just one of many until you find the right one. My guess it is over and it is time to deal with it.


.

 

[cordoncordon]

I've been in this exact same situation. Exact.

Your best course of action is to tell her, in a nice and mature way, that for now at least you should go your separate ways, date other people, and if/when your roads cross again and she has done what she needs to do, you'll see how things go. But to wait for her as you are proposing to do now is strictly a losing proposition, in oh so many ways.

 

[speed dawg]

Yep. Do just like cordoncordon said. It will save you face, and help your broken ego. Be glad you didn't marry her and have her do this 5 years from now.

You have to leave her alone, it's the ONLY option. Disappear from her life. Don't think about what's "destined" to happen. Make something happen in your own life. This relationship is over if you don't, and may be over anyway. I would never go back to a girl who chose another guy over me AT ANY POINT in my life.

Think about that. You are not number one to her.

 

[Justaguy254254]

I've been in this exact same situation. Exact.

Your best course of action is to tell her, in a nice and mature way, that for now at least you should go your separate ways, date other people, and if/when your roads cross again and she has done what she needs to do, you'll see how things go. But to wait for her as you are proposing to do now is strictly a losing proposition, in oh so many ways.

Thank you for your advice. I really wasn't thinking too deeply about remaining in a holding pattern for her... That would be destructive for me.

I'm just going to her apartment to drop off a few of her things, and pick up a few of my things...give the talk, which will be "you seem to want to go, so you'll do what you want to do. I've had a great time with you up to this point, and wish you the best in the future. However, I don't want to talk with you again after today except if one of the following is true. 1) You discover you still have something of mine and need to return it 2) You decide in the next few days that you are able to commit to me and not let anyone convince you that you're somehow missing out by not spending time with these guys."

Something along those lines. And I'll get in my car and go home.

 

[cordoncordon]

When I was 29 I dated a girl who was 18. We dated for 3 years. Lived together for 2 years. Very beautiful but immature girl.

She also got to where your girl is now. Wanting to see what is out there. Couldn't blame her really. It's been 5 years now since we first met. 2 since our breakup. She is now calling me wanting to meet, etc etc etc. She has learned that things are not always better that what you have, but at the same time it was a learning experience she needed. Of course I too have moved on and am in a wonderful relationship now, so I won't be pursuing anything. But the point is, you have have to let go my friend.

Let her go.