Need some help pretty quickly regarding my LTR...

[Justaguy254254]

Hi guys,

I've been a lurker for quite a while... I thought I'd ask the following and try to get some useful advice. I need some quick replies because we talked for a while tonight about this...I didn't really give any answer because I wanted to discuss this in person instead of on the phone. I'm going to see her tomorrow and that will be decision time.

I've been with my girl for about a year and 3 months. She was 19 when I first met her, and I was her first serious boyfriend. Everything has been really great up until very recently.

Some guy(s?) at work, who she finds interesting, have been offering to take her out, or inviting her to do things. She has been telling them no, because of her relationship with me, but yesterday she called and said she wasn't sure if she should be in a relationship with me... Obviously, she is curious about these guys... she said she wants to have some fun in life. I asked her right out if she is curious about having sex with others, and she said it wasn't necessarily sex, but said it is possible given an attraction that naturally happens. She's being honest with me, at least. I can appreciate that.

So what do I do? What's the best way to handle it? Declare we have an open relationship for a while...and see other girls while she hangs out with these guys? Do I just break up with her and forget about her? I could say that I don't want her to see them, but then she might just do it behind my back anyway, and even if she doesn't, she'll be resentful, I would guess. Or should I take the approach of telling her to go ahead and hang out with them, and do so with the utmost confidence and with the air that she'll still be wanting me the most after everything? I am guessing that in this situation, that might be the best thing to do. I know she likes me a lot... but it is just a wee bit bothersome to say "yea, I know there's a chance you'll mess with this guy, but go ahead and see him anyway."

I'm sure someone has been in this situation before. Did you back off and get back together? Or is there no hope of that?

I felt lots of possibilities in the beginning with her...and I still do. I would hate to lose the history I have with her completely... I don't know though if it is practical for both of us to be intimate with others and then get back together. Anyway, lay it on me, tell me what you think. Thanks.

 

[Justaguy254254]

At this time, I've come up with telling her, when I see her, "Well, this is something that you're curious about doing, and I don't own you. Go ahead and go out with this person. I am sure that you will realize that I am the better option for you, both now and in the future. I don't like the idea of having you share some time with another guy, but it is ultimately your decision."

I kinda said something similar on the phone with her tonight, that she'd realize i'm the best anyway... and she laughed, so I think it was a good way to break the tension and also appear confident about the whole situation. To get the full effect, I think I just need a very good delivery in person. And everything will fall into place as it is destined to do...

 

[DoctorLW]

You know your girl best, so you will figure out the best way to tell her.

Just remember to make it clear to her that if she wants to do this you have to open up the relationship and remind her that she needs to be comfortable with you dating other girls as well.

 

[Justaguy254254]

You know your girl best, so you will figure out the best way to tell her.

Just remember to make it clear to her that if she wants to do this you have to open up the relationship and remind her that she needs to be comfortable with you dating other girls as well.

Understood. Inside it will hurt to say it, but I think the best possible thing I can do is to tell her to try it. She already wants to, so making a big argument or telling her no like I own her is not going to help matters.

I will definitely let her know that I will be spending time with other girls though, if she does hang out with this guy, or guys...heh

I just want to hear from other people if they agree with this stance...and if they have any additional advice on how to keep my relationship with her going, even if it is opened up like this. I've never really been in a situation like this, so it will be a new experience I guess.

 

[DoctorLW]

I agree with you this is the right move if you like this girl. You just gotta pretend as if you are doing this also because you want to... not because you are afraid to lose her (which is what it is, right?). Either way I see this as a win-win situation for you because you will find out how much you truly care about this girl, and how much she truly cares about you.

 

[Last Man Standing]

She already left you - move on!!! Don't be a punk and be loyal to someone who is getting boinked by other men!! You are officially no longer her "b/f" - let her know this!!

 

[Justaguy254254]

She already left you - move on!!! Don't be a punk and be loyal to someone who is getting boinked by other men!! You are officially no longer her "b/f" - let her know this!!

Well she is young and curious. I understand that. I'm just asking about the best way to handle everything, with the assumption I'd like to be with her in the future.

Of course, in the mean time, I will see other girls if this is what she wants to do.

 

[Justaguy254254]

I agree with you this is the right move if you like this girl. You just gotta pretend as if you are doing this also because you want to... not because you are afraid to lose her (which is what it is, right?). Either way I see this as a win-win situation for you because you will find out how much you truly care about this girl, and how much she truly cares about you.

I guess it is a (maybe) temporary loss or sacrifice, with the possibility of a future reward...remaining with her, if that seems appropriate. I think her response in person and subsequent talks with her will be most revealing... as you said, all will come out and I'll find out just how much she actually cares about me.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Well she is young and curious. I understand that. I'm just asking about the best way to handle everything, with the assumption I'd like to be with her in the future.

Of course, in the mean time, I will see other girls if this is what she wants to do.

She already told you her intent!! Don't give her any emotional affection - neither publicly or privately - the relationship is over! She doesn't "care" for you!!!

 

[Justaguy254254]

She already told you her intent!! Don't give her any emotional affection - neither publicly or privately - the relationship is over! She doesn't "care" for you!!!

No emotional affection, I agree. I am planning on discussing things reasonably and stating the facts. I was mostly looking for advice on the right words to use, and the right tack to take. I already know what she is thinking, for the most part, and it is something that I've expected from the beginning when I found out she was a virgin.

It's taken more than a year to get to this point. She's very attractive... I know guys like to exaggerate on here about their girlfriends or sexual conquests, but she truly is beautiful. My point being that she gets hit on constantly... and apparently I've been interesting enough that more than a year later she's only now cracking a bit. haha

So anyway, I will decide tomorrow before I see her whether I should just break up outright, declare some sort of open relationship, or say that I'm not worried about it, go ahead and go out with these people. I'm better. Or some combination of the three.

 

[Justaguy254254]

she wants her pvssy pounded by some other guys, trust me.

she wont tell you that, she doesnt want you to think she's a slvt, but that's what she wants.

i say dump her now and watch her try to crawl back and win you over again..

I agree. There's not really a chance that will be avoided, no matter what I do.

Perhaps the outright dump is the best way to go. I wonder what the chances are that she'll eventually contact me again. heh

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Listen to Last Man Standing; the relationship is over. Basicly, what she said is her way of lightly telling you she wants to be in other relationships. Quit while your ahead!

 

[sav]

you want to be with her after she gets pounded by some other dudes?

do you have any self respect left in you??

jesus.. men these days dont behave like men... product of todays twisted society...

 

[Infamous J]

Cut her loose, and initiate it before she really does. Once they even bring up the idea of seeing other people, it's already over. Trying to keep her only smashes what's left of her feelings for you into the ground.

And don't be there for her after the fact either. You're not her shoulder to cry on, and you don't do her any favors. Once she leaves you, she loses ALL of the benefits of being with you.

 

[lordson]

a freind of mine was in the same situation

excpet reverse sex

first relationship, over a year, the guy wanted to see othe rpoeple cos he felt he was too young to stay with just one person and was curiuos and attracted to other people and that

so they bork eup

and not too long after he came crawling back

so hopefully it applies here if you want her back

if this was me, i wouldn't want her back

i'd use her for as long as possible and then forget about her

 

[KontrollerX]

"I felt lots of possibilities in the beginning with her...and I still do. I would hate to lose the history I have with her completely."

You are missing the larger point that she doesn't give a damn about you or your history together (at least not as much as you do) or else she wouldn't take this risk of even considering other guys and throw that history away.

A chick really completely insanely head over heels in love for a certain guy will never put her relationship on the line with him by doing some stupid sh!t like this.

Not in a million years.

To allow this may seem to you like you being a free spirit type of person and not controlling but the other side of the coin to this line of thinking is that you are simply being a coward and too scared to lose her to make a stand for what you want and what will make you feel good.

What you want, not what she wants that will harm you greatly or at least enough to seriously bother you for quite a while.

How to make a stand and possibly come away a winner?

You simply would've told her that its cool if she wants to date other guys but you won't be there for her when and if she wants you back.

To say its alright for her to go and do this sh!t just lowers your worth.

You have agreed to lower your worth as her mate by allowing this garbage.

Since she can do this massively disrespectful hurtful thing to you and you will allow her to get away with it and be there waiting for her any time she wants you back makes you a safety net not a treasure to be captured. You cannot be captured because you have made yourself a free worthless item to her. No value left. Instead become the prize, make this b!tch work to keep you, don't let her go and fvck other guys. Are you nuts?

I really don't think you or any other AFC feels good about their life and choices if they take back some chick that they loved who decided to leave them for a while and go takes loads in the face and both holes from someother guy or guys. You really want to kiss a mouth that has been lovingly kissing someother guy's d!ck and getting blasted with cvm from that d!ck? A guy she left you for???

AFC thinking: Yeah sure I don't care go fvck someother guys I don't mind. I'm your doormat. I'm here to serve your needs completely. I don't have enough respect for myself to put a stop to your blatant disrespect of me I'm so afraid of losing you so I'll just go along with anything you want. Umm just please come back to me ok you know when you're done sucking off and taking it up the ass from the new guy and the football team oh and before you come back to me would you mind wiping the cvm off your chin? I got a little in my mouth while we were kissing last time you did this and we finally got back together.

DJ thinking: Yeah sure go fvck someother guys but don't bother coming back to me ever again as I'll be balls deep in your sister or many other hotties by that time. I will not be second best for anybody.

 

[Justaguy254254]

"I felt lots of possibilities in the beginning with her...and I still do. I would hate to lose the history I have with her completely."

You are missing the larger point that she doesn't give a damn about you or your history together (at least not as much as you do) or else she wouldn't take this risk of even considering other guys and throw that history away.

A chick really completely insanely head over heels in love for a certain guy will never put her relationship on the line with him by doing some stupid sh!t like this.

Not in a million years.

To allow this may seem to you like you being a free spirit type of person and not controlling but the other side of the coin to this line of thinking is that you are simply being a coward and too scared to lose her to make a stand for what you want and what will make you feel good.

What you want, not what she wants that will harm you greatly or at least enough to seriously bother you for quite a while.

How to make a stand and possibly come away a winner?

You simply would've told her that its cool if she wants to date other guys but you won't be there for her when and if she wants you back.

To say its alright for her to go and do this sh!t just lowers your worth.

You have agreed to lower your worth as her mate by allowing this garbage.

Since she can do this massively disrespectful hurtful thing to you and you will allow her to get away with it and be there waiting for her any time she wants you back makes you a safety net not a treasure to be captured. You cannot be captured because you have made yourself a free worthless item to her. No value left. Instead become the prize, make this b!tch work to keep you, don't let her go and fvck other guys. Are you nuts?

AFC thinking: Yeah sure I don't care go fvck someother guys I don't mind. I'm your doormat. I'm here to serve your needs completely. I don't have enough respect for myself to put a stop to your blatant disrespect of me I'm so afraid of losing you so I'll just go along with anything you want. Umm just please come back to me ok you know when you're done sucking off and taking it up the ass from the new guy and the football team oh and before you come back to me would you mind wiping the cvm off your chin? I got a little in my mouth while we were kissing last time you did this and we got back together.

DJ thinking: Yeah sure go fvck someother guys but don't bother coming back to me ever again as I'll be balls deep in your sister or many other hotties by that time. I will not be second best for anybody.

Well it is incorrect to say that she doesn't care about me at all. She would have simply done what she wanted to do and went behind my back. She has enough integrity and respect for me to say what she is thinking and not lie about it. That is much different from most women. I have to give her credit for that... plus it's better that this happened sooner rather than later, which would mean more wasted time (or even a huge divorce if we were to get married down the line and then she finally let her curiosity get the better of her).

I agree with you though that it's not in my interest to say "yea, go ahead and be with other guys, I'll be here for you." That's not something I'm going to do. I never have, never will. When I talked of future possibility and not losing some sort of history of which I have a good memory, it was with the understanding that I'd be having my fun too. If she wanted to come back we would be on equal terms since I'd be out enjoying other girls while she was doing her thing. Of course, I wouldn't just jump at the chance, and it's most likely I wouldn't try again with her anyway. But that's what I meant by saying what I did, not that I'd sacrifice my respect and sanity over some memories with a girl... by waiting for her while giving her permission to slap off other dudes while doing nothing myself.

I'm just going to her apartment to drop off a few of her things, and pick up a few of my things...give the talk, which will be "you seem to want to go, so you'll do what you want to do. I've had a great time with you up to this point, and wish you the best in the future. However, I don't want to talk with you again after today except if one of the following is true. 1) You discover you still have something of mine and need to return it 2) You decide in the next few days that you are able to commit to me and not let anyone convince you that you're somehow missing out by not spending time with these guys."

Something along those lines. And I'll get in my car and go home.

 

[KontrollerX]

My bad.

I should of read the other posts after your first two and saw that you were taking to the advice of the other brothers.

I had got the impression you were bound and determined to let her walk all over you as the right thing to do.

Good to see that you are not that type of dude.

Anyway though I'll respond to this in closing...

"Well it is incorrect to say that she doesn't care about me at all. She would have simply done what she wanted to do and went behind my back. She has enough integrity and respect for me to say what she is thinking and not lie about it. That is much different from most women. I have to give her credit for that..."

My ex girlfriend of last year did the same thing. On its surface it would appear she had integrity until I later found out she'd been seeing the other guy behind my back all along.

If your girl's story holds up ie about her simply considering this and telling you beforehand and she hasn't done anything behind your back then great but just keep in mind that you can never know someone 100% and that the real truth has a tendency of coming out over time.

We have to take care that overconfidence does not become our weakness.

"plus it's better that this happened sooner rather than later, which would mean more wasted time (or even a huge divorce if we were to get married down the line and then she finally let her curiosity get the better of her)."

True but a man would have no business marrying a woman that is "curious" anyway unless the man and woman already determined they were going to go the open relationship route.

 

[Vypros]

She's lost interest in you and is bored.

Break up with her and move on.

No need to beat a dead horse. You're her first serious boyfriend and she's now getting curious. No big deal. This is for the best really because statistics aren't in your favor given your age and the history.

It's tough, but just end it. Say something like "I think we should take a break for a while. If you are curious, then i don't want to hold you back."

And be firm with it. Don't let her talk you out of it. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT.

Don't try to "open the relationship". First of all, that RARELY works and it takes a LOT of trust, honesty, and self-confidence--something most people don't have. Secondly, is that what YOU really want? Do you really want to share your girl with a bunch of guys? No, you don't. Not with the STDs that are floating out there.

Just take a break and move on.

 

[Justaguy254254]

My bad.

I should of read the other posts after your first two and saw that you were taking to the advice of the other brothers.

I had got the impression you were bound and determined to let her walk all over you as the right thing to do.

Good to see that you are not that type of dude.

Anyway though I'll respond to this in closing...

"Well it is incorrect to say that she doesn't care about me at all. She would have simply done what she wanted to do and went behind my back. She has enough integrity and respect for me to say what she is thinking and not lie about it. That is much different from most women. I have to give her credit for that..."

My ex girlfriend of last year did the same thing. On its surface it would appear she had integrity until I later found out she'd been seeing the other guy behind my back all along.

If your girl's story holds up ie about her simply considering this and telling you beforehand and she hasn't done anything behind your back then great but just keep in mind that you can never know someone 100% and that the real truth has a tendency of coming out over time.

We have to take care that overconfidence does not become our weakness.

"plus it's better that this happened sooner rather than later, which would mean more wasted time (or even a huge divorce if we were to get married down the line and then she finally let her curiosity get the better of her)."

True but a man would have no business marrying a woman that is "curious" anyway unless the man and woman already determined they were going to go the open relationship route.

It's ok, I understand what you are saying and that you were just trying to make sure I didn't get taken advantage of. I appreciate that, and it is nice to get advice from other people. Everyone sees things from different perspectives...which provides for some broadly similar advice with different nuances and details.

We'll see. There's a small chance that her mind will click and she'll realize what is truly at stake here if I say what I'm going to say. Maybe she'll make the smart choice. If so...I'll have to be careful anyway and take a few steps back myself and see how it goes. If she makes the dumb choice...well, so be it.