Need some advice for LTR problems

[TheDoctor]

Hello, this is my first post to this forum, although I have been doing some reading here for the past few months. I have a problem with my girlfriend of 11 months. The sex has all but disappered in the relationship. When we do have sex (usually once a week) it almost feels as if it's out of her pity for me because she knows its been a while. I get mad, we fight about it, a few days later we make up and then the cycle continues. A few days ago she told me she was turned off by my lack of self confidence (with her only, as I am a confident man in my social / professional life). She says she loves me and wants to be with me, but how can she say this if she has admitted my behavior turns her off and she feels little attraction for me most of the time. I'm confused on this one and need some advice. Thanks in advance.

 

[WC2]

Usually when a woman says "I love you and want to be with you BUT" it usually means that she doesn't love you or is losing her love for you. It's her way of warning of you of what's to come.

About your sexual life with your girl..

Do you ask for sex? Is it usually YOU who is the one who wants it more?

If the answer is yes (which I assume it is), then she's successfully taken the power out from under you.

Once you give the power of sex of to your significant other, she becomes totally in control of your relationship. She dictates what happens due to her ability to control you with sex.

This has been happening for so long that she probably feels as if you're not a competent male. She craves a male that doesn't need sex; a male that SHE craves sex from.

This kind of thing happens in almost every relationship in which couples let their sex lives and regular lives get too repetitive. The funny thing is it always comes around the 8 month - 1 year mark; it never fails.

Some make it through, but most fold. The ones who make it through notice the stagnant relationship and switch things up.

Whether it be your sex life, your interactions with her, anything. Something must change.

She's given you CLEAR warning (I'm surprised most women won't tell you how the truly feel about it) that she's not feeling you anymore.

It's your decision whether to try and reinvent or to get out before she brings down the hammer on your nuts.

However if you do decide to reinvent yourself and move on, you must remember not to let the power of sex OWN you.

Ever notice how successful men never beg for sex? They get it whenever and wherever they want. This is because their woman knows that their man isn't available for sex all the time. He has other responsibilities before sex with her. You must strive to maintain this status, or she will use sex as a weapon, which is ultimately the hammer on your nuts once again.

 

[Warrior74]

Prepare for the end. How?

One. Start working out, if your not. Start dressing to impress all the time. Look good, feel good, smell good. Start meeting other women now. Start practicing your game. You don't have to close the deal, but start. Start focusing on your hobbies and interest. Put her on the backburner. She's already given you the signal that the end is near. Pay attention. Pull back and start planning your exit. Take sex off the menu. If she doesn't ask for it, don't bring it up. Basically get out of her ass and get a life.

 

[TheDoctor]

Do you ask for sex? Is it usually YOU who is the one who wants it more?

If the answer is yes (which I assume it is), then she's successfully taken the power out from under you.

I want more sex than she does. I don't ask for it verbally, but make moves and try to initiate the sex. It started several months ago. She quit responding to me when I made sexual advances towards her. She shot me down time after time after time. The only time we would have sex is when she would approch me with it. I brought this to her attention and let her know that this was a huge problem for me and my sense of well being. Since then, she has stopped initiating sex and in a recent argument, she said she did that so that sex wouldn't just be on "her terms" as I have said in the past.

 

[horaholic]

First off, absolutely listen to warrior74. Prepare. It might turn her on again anyway.

A few days ago she told me she was turned off by my lack of self confidence (with her only, as I am a confident man in my social / professional life).

This line here is what speaks to me. This means you might have turned AFC on her. She may think you're kissing her ass, and she's losing respect. Usually, this cant be turned around, but you can learn from it for future relationships. Ask yourself, what is her dad like? Compare your 'manliness' to his, and you may have your answer. If he clearly wore the pants in his family, and you you let her get away with too much, she will lose respect. You have probably failed too many shyt tests. Try instilling some passion, (not the sappy kind, just some intensity) do something adventurous. Make your sexual advances on her in a different way. Throw her against the wall out of the blue, and take her! Be in control, and dont let her say no. Spice it up somehow.

 

[GolfGuru]

The sex has all but disappered in the relationship.

When did this start happening? Suddenly or over time?

As someone said, put the sex on the backburner. What's more important is to try and figure out what she thinks you have no confidence.

Or, She is trying to starts fights because she wants out of the relationship.

 

[KontrollerX]

If you've ever watched the movie 28 Days Later this quote applies to your current relationship...

"The end is extremely fvcking nigh".

Which means this is the part where if she is approached by some smooth talking playa or just a guy in general who interests her she will be engaging him in conversation and he will be in line to be your replacement as soon as she decides to cut you loose completely.

This is the way the game works.

So yeah Warrior and WC2 pretty much already laid out what you can and should do.

I think you could try pro-actively dumping her and through that see if you still mean anything to her because if you do she'll suddenly want to be in your life and be a good girlfriend to you again.

Why?

Mostly because through your act of dumping her first you invalidate her as a woman and put her in the position of chasing you instead of the way it is currently where you are practically begging for any scraps of intimacy from her that you can get.

Also what dumping her does re-establishes in her eyes you have backbone and indeed are a man after all.

All this and the invalidation of her could excite her and make her want to be with you again but if you go down this road follow Metaphysical's instructions here on it to the letter with how to mindgame her and make her work to get back in your life...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594

Also be prepared that if you go the dump her approach she very well could be fine with it and happy to be free and not come back to you at all so you'd have to be cool with that if it happens.

Yeah though mostly guys who dump chicks before they can dump their guy get a good result from it so try it if you've got the balls.

Most guys these days don't have any courage whatsoever or heart so I won't be surprised if you grovel to her until she finally kicks you to the curb but yeah if that happens don't beat yourself up over it just follow our advice next time.

Any of what I, Warrior and WC2 said should work.

Thats not a diss on the other guy's advice in here btw but Warrior and WC2's posts were the only ones I decided to read before making my own post.

 

[WC2]

I want more sex than she does. I don't ask for it verbally, but make moves and try to initiate the sex. It started several months ago. She quit responding to me when I made sexual advances towards her. She shot me down time after time after time. The only time we would have sex is when she would approch me with it. I brought this to her attention and let her know that this was a huge problem for me and my sense of well being. Since then, she has stopped initiating sex and in a recent argument, she said she did that so that sex wouldn't just be on "her terms" as I have said in the past.

And there you have it.

This is why the old theory that 'talking your woman about problems' is totally false. Sure, there are some very understanding women out there, but time and time again we learn the sorry truth :

Women work on emotions, not logic.

By you telling her that you need more sex for your well being, she emotionally becomes less attracted to you, almost hatefully I might add.

You'd think that by telling her this, she'd WANT to work it out with you, but you must understand she doesn't think this way. She wants things to work out, however she wants to see change, not hear about you complaining about change.

Whenever I read KX's posts it reminds me how close to the end guys like you may be. We've all been there, and I guess I sort of decided to give the upside of your whole situation in my previous post, simply because it just sucks.

However, it's only time till she puts the nail in the coffin. I'd get out before locks you down.

 

[TheDoctor]

This means you might have turned AFC on her. She may think you're kissing her ass, and she's losing respect. Usually, this cant be turned around, but you can learn from it for future relationships.

I pretty sure I've turned AFC on her. I give her what she wants when she wants it and I have realized this since I started coming to this forum (which is only recently). I have been trying to curb the AFC behavior but I have fallen into such a comfortable zone with this girl that it makes it hard to toughen up and be a man. I feel she will see through this. I feel she will notice me trying DJ behaviors and then bring them up for comment/discussion. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing though. Just tell her, "yea, I'm switching it up, get used to the new me!"

Anyway, I just learned from a phone conversation that she feels I am unconfident about my approch to sex with her, not my approch to life or even our day to day interaction. She says my approach is unnatural and she is turned off by that. Let it be know that I haven't done anything different. I think she is just losing interest because it's all familiar now. No excitement or freshness. She hates when I talk about sex or ask why we aren't having any. This turns her off even more. We just spoke and she said, "I wish you would be cool about it, suave and sexy." If she only knew that I am trying my hardest, so much to even ask strangers for advice.

I reply to say that, given the tools, I can reverse my AFC behavior. She will be there. We love one another very much. She will give me the opportunity to change. She will wait w/o bailing or cheating, a couple of months anyway.

So........what's first, less contact/interaction/face time is my guess. Leave her wanting me, right? Problem is we always say we need to spend time apart but we never do. I will want to hang out with her or she will want to hang out with me. I'll step up and be the man and not ask to hang out and refuse her the "gift" of my presence.

Other than cutting down on time spent with one another, which could very well do the trick, what else should I do to turn my AFC crap into qualities that she will respect and crave.

 

[TheDoctor]

When did this start happening? Suddenly or over time?

As someone said, put the sex on the backburner. What's more important is to try and figure out what she thinks you have no confidence.

Or, She is trying to starts fights because she wants out of the relationship.

This began a long time ago. We went from having sex 6-10 times per week to three times a week to twice a week to once a week tops. I guess this started about 4-5 months ago. The sex just started declining. She said she just had less of a sex drive and that she no longer felt the need to validate herself with sex. She didn't need it to feel appreciated or loved like she may have in the past. Then today she told me that she doesn't have sex with me because she is turned off by my approach. She wants me to be suave and cool about it and apparently I'm not. I try everything from being firm and direct to flirting and playfullness but I guess none of that works with her. I don't know what she wants from me or how she expects me to approach her.

 

[horaholic]

Read the Dj bible, and tips on how to MAINTAIN your frame. I think KX is absolutely right, but you need to figure out what made her lose interest, so you wont make that mistake again.

It very hard to turn this situation around, but it can be done. Try a different approach to sex (be more of a man about it), see if anything changes. If not, follow KX's advice and do the pre-emtive dump.

This may be a case of sexual incompatibilty.

 

[DavenJuan]

Doctor..

first, any changes that you feel you need to make, realize this..

YOU MAKE THESE CHANGES FOR YOURSELF.. not for her

trying to change for someone else is only feeding the actual problem.

you became complacent and comfortable. not only did she get bored, but how are YOU not bored and unhappy also? is this how you really want to spend your time?

im not going to tell you to "predump" her, nor am i going to tell you that you can DEFINITELY change this relationship,

but i will tell you that the most important thing you need to do is focus on getting yourself happy, whether thats WITH her or WITHOUT

 

[DonGorgon]

....She craves a male that doesn't need sex; a male that SHE craves sex from. .

Which is exactly why so many women love gay men... Gay men dont se women for sex and women find that to be the most captivation thing unfortunately... many women will chase gay men until they get him to sleep with them which many gay men will do..

 

[DonGorgon]

Tell her you think you guys should just be friends fore a while cause ur not sure how you feel or if she is the one.. keep it vague.. DO NOT EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO HER... ANSWER HER QUESTIONS WITH QUESTIONS..

Then dont call or see her for 2 weeks.. then call her at an odd time and say "whats up? " like all is well and you are cool, not missing her at all.. She will start to talk.. yOu start saying something then end the call abruptly and tell her you will call her back sometime.. DONT!!! SHE WILL CALL YOU!!.. When she does, ignore the first call and answer the next one.. tell her you have been thinking.. then let her do all the talking..

You will now have become mysterious and aloof..

Only talk about light simple meaningless crap and places you went with friends and other folks she does not know...

 

[rushing dude 123]

very nice advice guys, i am no expert on LTR's, but dude take this has a lesson. Forget the girl for the time being she is going to b used for testing. Give what these guys said a go and c what works and dosn't work. Sex is a very easy thing to get controlled by in LTR's, trust me i know. The only thing u can do now in my opinion is learn from this experience and use this to ur advantage. Most guys have this problem, so if u solve it u will b a lot different that a lot of other guys. I feel variety is needed (like i said not 100% expert in LTR) so sometimes u will need to make the first move, but never beg for it or accept pity sex lol. Sometimes shes going to need to make the first move. So one week she might b making first moves, next is her again then u again. Times u have it, maybe might b morning, maybe night then again maybe one a week sometimes 9 times. Don't get caught up in always changing (because then that becomes predictable) sometimes it alright to just do the same for a while then mix it up again.

 

[TheDoctor]

Ok, here's the update. On a lengthy phone conversation last night, she said that she loves me very much and wants to continue our relationship but wants to work out our problem in the bedroom. She basically has said that my approach turns her off. I don't go about initiating sex in a "strong and sexy" mannor. I haven't changed anything with my approach, but when I tell her this she says yes you have, however, can't site any examples or tell me one single thing that I do that she doesn't like.

I suggested we not see each other for a while. She said she would still like to talk to me and asked if she could call me the next day (today). I told her if she wanted to then sure. She has some new stuff with school going on in her life and she wants to share it with me.

It is so frustrating to deal with this sh*t. She loves me but she won't sleep with me because I do "something" in my approach that turns her off, yet she can't tell me what the F it is! It shouldn't have to be a seduction or a challenge at 11 months, not every time. I can never ask for sex or talk about it prior b/c she says that turns her off???????? I love this girl with all my heart but I am preparing myself to walk away if things don't change.

I can switch up my appraches or the ways in which I initiate sex and see if that works. I just have a hard time understanding why everything is fine except the sex. How can she be so in love with me day to day but be turned off by the "way" I try to initiate sex with her?

Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[AAAgent]

i think i can relate to this situation really well. although my situation was the complete opposite of yours. I was in love with my ex-bpd to the point where i would never cheat on her(anymore). we went from having sex 20+ times a week to sometimes once a week, maybe even none im not really sure. But it was because i was tired of it. she was not peaking my sexual interest. i mean the sex was great, i've done all the positions known to man and i would always seduce her. but her way of seducing me never turned me on. Her lingerie was untasteful atleast to my taste. i love surprises and am like sherlock holmes i love to solve mysteries so in order to surprise me you really have to do it well. i could see her surprises from a mile away. it went on like this for 4-5 months. but the thing was being in a BPD relationship u break up every day so the break up sex was always good. well atleast the ones where we didn't see each other for 1-3 days.

 

[bukowski_merit]

She loves me but she won't sleep with me because I do "something" in my approach that turns her off, yet she can't tell me what the F it is!

The more angry you get about this; the more you "talk" to her about it... the more you stress over it - the further away from her you get... there's nothing worse than a girl telling you that you're turning her off - and you saying "why?"... that's exactly why...

It shouldn't have to be a seduction or a challenge at 11 months, not every time.

She has no fear of losing you (she thinks you leaving her is a bluff; and she knows you'll come puppy dogging back). You are not a challenge to her. You make $exual advances obvious. You act desperate. You're making a big deal about this $ex thing... even in LTR - the seduction never ends! if you're together for 20 years - the seduction never ends... I've had a non-committed LTR with a woman for 5 years now... and guess what? i remain a challenge and seduce her everytime we're together... it never stops...

I can never ask for sex or talk about it prior b/c she says that turns her off????????

YES EXACTLY! never ask for it, and don't talk about how you want it more... don't say it's not fair... because women know nothing of fairness...

I love this girl with all my heart but I am preparing myself to walk away if things don't change.

i don't believe you and neither does she...

I can switch up my appraches or the ways in which I initiate sex and see if that works.

it most likely isn't going to work...

I just have a hard time understanding why everything is fine except the sex.

it's not! the $ex is just a symbol of how you've failed to be alpha and dominant...

How can she be so in love with me day to day but be turned off by the "way" I try to initiate sex with her?

because you're approaching it like you're "initiating" $ex... and it becomes obvious... and you become predictable... and the $ex becomes predictable...

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Try reading Daniel Roses - "The Sex God Method"

 

[TheDoctor]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my posts. I'm pretty sure bukowski is right, it's more than just the sex, but that is were it is affecting me most. She still loves me and wants to be with me but is unhappy. She shows her unhappiness by denying me sex. I need a major overhaul on my game. I have fallen into the habit of "I don't need a game, I have a girlfriend" mentality. I am realizing that sh*t isn't cutting it anymore. I'm going to lay low, cut back on face time, try to put some mystery back into the relationship, a little excitement. Be aloof and not so accessible all the time. She has said in the past that she just wants to miss me. I'll need to put forth a lot of effort it looks like. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thanks again.

 

[AAAgent]

some idea's that u might use are
massage her and kiss her in the places that turn her on do that on and off while massaging. start slow then increase and increase then start to massage her breast n stuff. if she ask's u to stop just make up some bullsh!t excuse that u want her to be comfortable and to release her tension. rub ur **** on her to let her know ur turned on but do not give in to her demands and just walk away.

n since your going to be seeing her less she will want you more most likely, so just instigate by hugging/kissing/touching her but then back off and play hard to get. don't always play hard to get and then give in, sometimes just walk away or leave to keep her hanging.

i'd say the first time she wants it real bad, leave her hanging.