Need solid talk now!

[LiveYourDream]

Of course!

I think my last LTR, and reading threads here kind of made me hardened toward relationships. I really just became numb to women. They're great for svx, hanging out with, and some communication, but nothing deeper.

I'd go on a crap load of dates, go home with a ton of them and that was about it. Girls would call me distant, non caring, and mean. And I really didn't care. They weren't really bringing anything to the table so I was losing nothing. What's even more funny is that these same women calling me these things were blowing up my phone trying to get me to be more!

So now, I meet this chick that's different. More on a connection level for me. It's hard to pinpoint, and I know we all have different things that turn us on, but for me, she just works.

I'm weirded out because This has not been anything I've experienced or wanted. I prefer situations that are easy to walk away from, not situations that can led to complications.

I'm very good at controlling my emotions (Buddhist), yet very in tune to my surroundings. We'll see how it all plays out. I'll remain patient and calm.

On a side note: she met me out last night. We were sitting at the bar talking, and She gave me some random compliment while being all touchy. I sarcastically said "I think you're starting to like me. Ha ha!" She pulls out her cell phone and says "I want you to read this"
It was a text she sent to her friend.

"I seriously think I'm falling in love with this guy, he's the best guy I've ever met"

I handed her phone back and said "nice text. Pretty flattering. Thank you." She's not pushing real hard yet, but it's coming.

@ZTIME, fill in obvious disclaimer about advice from a woman...on top of that, a disclaimer that this is not "SS style DJ advice", this sharing is particular to Ztime and his awareness, as I experience it from my perspective. That all said...

My deepest encouragement to you Ztime is to focus on being present in the moment. No fast forwarding to what is going to happen next, or after that, or if all goes well, or if it doesn't. Remain fully aware and present in the moment now. Enjoy it with all that you are. When you are not with her, enjoy those moments. Be where you are then. Do not chase your mind into fantasies of being with her tomorrow. Be where you are. Then, when you are with her, be fully present and fully with her. Allow yourself to connect to her and to receive her, as you are inclined.

Remain centered in yourself and your awareness of the present moment and all you experience, including her. Keep an eye on yourself that you don't move off your center or outside yourself when you are with her. Sometimes in our enthusiasm, or curiosity, or simply an enjoyment of another we can almost leave ourselves behind, as we focus onto or into them. Remain aware, as that is where you can begin to lose yourself. Don't be fearful. Hurt is not going to kill you. Connecting is a beautiful experience. (I know, it's girly speak.) It offers a richness, to us that so much in this life will never touch as deeply.

I encourage you not to shy away from it. I encourage you not to meet with walls to barricade out an army. I encourage you to meet it from your center. From my perspective, when one is centered, there in an inherent responsiveness possible, a guidance system if you will. When you are centered you are aware and with that comes clear recognition of aspects that support your greatest well-being and those that don't. If your allegiance is to remaining present, centered, and being truthful with yourself (as opposed to in denial) there is space to relax and just enjoy the unfoldment of what is. That is the richness of life.

For DJ's reading this in horror, I am in no way suggesting he disregard red flags or other indicators. Quite the opposite in fact. I am suggesting he interact from a place so centered that he does not have to meet her from guardedness and againstness, as a result of all the prior hurts of his own and imbibed here. They are not to be disregarded either. The suggestion is to engage with her, in the moments you are actually with her, from a place of alignment and trust of yourself. You align to take care of you. You are self responsible for your presence, your awareness, your paying attention to what works for you and what doesn't, and how you choose to further engage, beyond the moment you are in with her, or not.

I get this may seem 'out there' to many here and even perhaps you Ztime. I am not attached. I offer it to you Ztime as my sense is you value your inner alignment and have the perception to support it. My sense is that you are in new territory for yourself, in a relationship that seems to offer a level of ease as well as connection. I could encourage you to be guarded and respond from a place of past hurts and fear, that is not my inclination for you. For many that may be their wisest perspective. I understand where that comes from. I know we all intend well for you. I simply offer my perspective for consideration along with the rest.

My sense is you are walking into new territory for you. I don't see this as about her. I see this as about you. I see this as an opportunity for you to test your centeredness, your awareness, your openness, your self-trust. My response isn't so much about how to or not to move the relationship forward. It's about you having the opportunity to practice, all you know. Practice implies just that. You likely will make some mistakes here and there to learn from. That is the nature of growth and life when we are living at our fullest. Don't walk forward afraid. Walk forward aware. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her. Enjoy your time together. Stay centered. Stay present. Stay aware. From there you'll know when to move right or left or take a pause or exit. Enjoy the journey and practice what you know, in order to grow yourself. Life isn't for hiding away, in fear of getting hurt, or in fear of making mistakes. Life is for living. There is immense difference from living centered in the present, in full awareness, to engaging with a woman while disconnected and throwing caution to the wind, in order to feel good for a bit, to being so guarded you are not really on the field to even play the game.

I see this as opportunity for you to rise to the occasion, within yourself, for yourself. Doing so will have benefits for you that far surpass anything she may offer. If she rises to the occasion herself and meets you there, there is an immense gift for her as well. Support of one's alignment, and connecting with another, to them in their's is.... I am not going to put words on it. I am also not here painting Disney happily ever after stories. I am sharing what I see as you having the opportunity to go on/continue your quest of sorts. She simply happens to be presenting herself as an opportunity to better know yourself, through your interactions with her.

I realize I best let this go now, as it's already quite 'out there', in this space.

I do want to share about something else that caught me as I read what you shared. You said something along lines of being very good at controlling your emotions. I am not sure how literal your words translate for you so what I share may or may not apply. To me it is worth caution, in case it does.

If one is attempting "to control their emotions," as in striving to resist them or suppress them, that is not, in my view, the experience of being truly centered. When one is centered, emotions can come and go, and you are aware of them, and also aware they don't define you. One can have preferences or none certainly, that again is not the same approach as one of resistance or attachment.

That's my rambling/sharing for you Ztime. If it serves you, so be it. If it don't resonate for you (or anyone else reading) please simply just let it go and use what works for you.

Wishing you the best in every way.

TL;DR Bolded Above

 

[ZTIME]

@ZTIME, fill in obvious disclaimer about advice from a woman...on top of that, a disclaimer that this is not "SS style DJ advice", this sharing is particular to Ztime and his awareness, as I experience it from my perspective. That all said...

My deepest encouragement to you Ztime is to focus on being present in the moment. No fast forwarding to what is going to happen next, or after that, or if all goes well, or if it doesn't. Remain fully aware and present in the moment now. Enjoy it with all that you are. When you are not with her, enjoy those moments. Be where you are then. Do not chase your mind into fantasies of being with her tomorrow. Be where you are. Then, when you are with her, be fully present and fully with her. Allow yourself to connect to her and to receive her, as you are inclined.

Remain centered in yourself and your awareness of the present moment and all you experience, including her. Keep an eye on yourself that you don't move off your center or outside yourself when you are with her. Sometimes in our enthusiasm, or curiosity, or simply an enjoyment of another we can almost leave ourselves behind, as we focus onto or into them. Remain aware, as that is where you can begin to lose yourself. Don't be fearful. Hurt is not going to kill you. Connecting is a beautiful experience. (I know, it's girly speak.) It offers a richness, to us that so much in this life will never touch as deeply.

I encourage you not to shy away from it. I encourage you not to meet with walls to barricade out an army. I encourage you to meet it from your center. From my perspective, when one is centered, there in an inherent responsiveness possible, a guidance system if you will. When you are centered you are aware and with that comes clear recognition of aspects that support your greatest well-being and those that don't. If your allegiance is to remaining present, centered, and being truthful with yourself (as opposed to in denial) there is space to relax and just enjoy the unfoldment of what is. That is the richness of life.

For DJ's reading this in horror, I am in no way suggesting he disregard red flags or other indicators. Quite the opposite in fact. I am suggesting he interact from a place so centered that he does not have to meet her from guardedness and againstness, as a result of all the prior hurts of his own and imbibed here. They are not to be disregarded either. The suggestion is to engage with her, in the moments you are actually with her, from a place of alignment and trust of yourself. You align to take care of you. You are self responsible for your presence, your awareness, your paying attention to what works for you and what doesn't, and how you choose to further engage, beyond the moment you are in with her, or not.

I get this may seem 'out there' to many here and even perhaps you Ztime. I am not attached. I offer it to you Ztime as my sense is you value your inner alignment and have the perception to support it. My sense is that you are in new territory for yourself, in a relationship that seems to offer a level of ease as well as connection. I could encourage you to be guarded and respond from a place of past hurts and fear, that is not my inclination for you. For many that may be their wisest perspective. I understand where that comes from. I know we all intend well for you. I simply offer my perspective for consideration along with the rest.

My sense is you are walking into new territory for you. I don't see this as about her. I see this as about you. I see this as an opportunity for you to test your centeredness, your awareness, your openness, your self-trust. My response isn't so much about how to or not to move the relationship forward. It's about you having the opportunity to practice, all you know. Practice implies just that. You likely will make some mistakes here and there to learn from. That is the nature of growth and life when we are living at our fullest. Don't walk forward afraid. Walk forward aware. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy her. Enjoy your time together. Stay centered. Stay present. Stay aware. From there you'll know when to move right or left or take a pause or exit. Enjoy the journey and practice what you know, in order to grow yourself. Life isn't for hiding away, in fear of getting hurt, or in fear of making mistakes. Life is for living. There is immense difference from living centered in the present, in full awareness, to engaging with a woman while disconnected and throwing caution to the wind, in order to feel good for a bit, to being so guarded you are not really on the field to even play the game.

I see this as opportunity for you to rise to the occasion, within yourself, for yourself. Doing so will have benefits for you that far surpass anything she may offer. If she rises to the occasion herself and meets you there, there is an immense gift for her as well. Support of one's alignment, and connecting with another, to them in their's is.... I am not going to put words on it. I am also not here painting Disney happily ever after stories. I am sharing what I see as you having the opportunity to go on/continue your quest of sorts. She simply happens to be presenting herself as an opportunity to better know yourself, through your interactions with her.

I realize I best let this go now, as it's already quite 'out there', in this space.

I do want to share about something else that caught me as I read what you shared. You said something along lines of being very good at controlling your emotions. I am not sure how literal your words translate for you so what I share may or may not apply. To me it is worth caution, in case it does.

If one is attempting "to control their emotions," as in striving to resist them or suppress them, that is not, in my view, the experience of being truly centered. When one is centered, emotions can come and go, and you are aware of them, and also aware they don't define you. One can have preferences or none certainly, that again is not the same approach as one of resistance or attachment.

That's my rambling/sharing for you Ztime. If it serves you, so be it. If it don't resonate for you (or anyone else reading) please simply just let it go and use what works for you.

Wishing you the best in every way.

TL;DR Bolded Above

First off, thanks for the words of wisdom. Male or female, if the info posted here helps. The sexual origin doesn't matter.

I would like to clarify that I have been on a path for the last couple of years to live completely centered.

I don't hide from my emotions, but am very aware of them and often question what actions people do to create certain emotional responses in myself. More so to understand what makes me tick.

I've been very free spirited with this woman, yet slightly cautious as it pertains to my emotions. (Never hiding, just learning and understanding). With my busy schedule being the way it is, thoughts of her do not consume my time or mind.

Also, my spiritual studies have led me to a path of not being consumed by the past, or distracted by the future, yet to live in the present moment. This has helped with keeping me centered. It was a hard lesson to learn as business principals are quite the opposite.

Thanks again for the response. I read it twice and appreciate the insight.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I think I know what the problem is.... You are a human being. You like someone. Maybe, just maybe you have gotten the shallow plate-spinning pump n dumps out of the way and are feeling stronger and healthier and OMG actually invest some emotion in a woman you like. Anything involving lying is unhealthy long term IMHO.
You will never be an AFC again. If you have any understanding of game, which you do, most of the rules stay the same.

Congratulations. You found someone you can care about.

Keep yourself safe. Protect your assets. Use covert dread. Dont lose yourself or compromise your core values. Enjoy.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Just get married, you'll never think about women the same way again.

 

[ZTIME]

Just get married, you'll never think about women the same way again.

Solid advice!!! Can't say I'll take it.......yet it was convincing.

 

[ZTIME]

I think I know what the problem is.... You are a human being. You like someone. Maybe, just maybe you have gotten the shallow plate-spinning pump n dumps out of the way and are feeling stronger and healthier and OMG actually invest some emotion in a woman you like. Anything involving lying is unhealthy long term IMHO.
You will never be an AFC again. If you have any understanding of game, which you do, most of the rules stay the same.

Congratulations. You found someone you can care about.

Keep yourself safe. Protect your assets. Use covert dread. Dont lose yourself or compromise your core values. Enjoy.

Yup, all of those except one thing! You can never tell when they're lying.

Yes, everything is awesome and you can bone them till the sun comes up. They'll tell you what you think you need to hear.....yet it all seems fake.

Ooohhh well! That's today's women.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I

Just get married, you'll never think about women the same way again.

Been there, done that. Dont rate it.

 

[ZTIME]

Well, been hanging with this chick on a regular basis for a little over a month. I can say she is very cool, very respectful, pays her own way, independent, and hot. A great package as a whole.

The chick is super affectionate and very sensitive which now brings me to the next hurdle.

We spent the the weekend together and had a great time. Yesterday we just randomly hopped from place to place having fun. We stopped for dinner at a cool little place. During dinner I get this:

Her:"ZTIME I need you to know that I'm in love with you."

Me: That's sweet, thanks.

Her: I'm serious, it's not a joke! I'm scared you don't feel the same way and you're going to walk away and hurt me. (Then tears)

Me: Stop. Let's talk about this later. You don't need to be crying in a restaurant.

Her: Fine.

The mood was a bit more awkward for a bit. We did go back to her place, had great svx. And it didn't come back up.

So when it does come back up, is there a good way to handle the situation? Hell, it's been only 30 days and she's already on the " I love you bus". That's a bit quick for me.

 

[guru1000]

Her: I love you (Translation: I need to feel loved)
You : I love you too (Translation: You are loved)

 

[PantyWhisperer]

It may not have come up again that night but it will. She's thought of nothing but since - her hamster wheel is spinning on overdrive. Keep us posted.

 

[The Duke]

I had a girl tell me she loved me 3months into a relationship. I never told her I loved her back and maintained that stance for 1.5yrs. Finally she just said, "I know you probably don't love me but I love you". I always humored her and treated her good. She was really into me, I imagine deep down she hoped I would budge but I never did. Not telling her didn't seem to effect our relationship. If you don't really love her, certainly don't tell her you do. If she is totally into you, she's not going anywhere. She'll just hope for that day you might change your mind.

 

[hithard]

I'm a little concerned she brought it up in the restaurant, with a bit of public emotional blackmail and embarrassment to sway you on side. I don't know the details so it might be nothing. All girls do it to a degree, but something to watch out for.
Someone saying they love you too fast
isn't the problem. It's how they define what love is. Are they just caught up in the emotional roller-coaster? Or are they committed? Do they have a "Disney" fantasy of love or a "boots and all" approach.

No relationship is perfect. You will have flaws and so will they. It's simply about finding the best match and a woman that is practical minded when the shtf.
Also good to see a woman at her worst rather then at her best all the time. Because that mood can last for months and women handle it in different ways. People are not perfect so you need to know that their downtimes don't require too much energy, or misery.

 

[ZTIME]

I'm a little concerned she brought it up in the restaurant, with a bit of public emotional blackmail and embarrassment to sway you on side. I don't know the details so it might be nothing. All girls do it to a degree, but something to watch out for.
Someone saying they love you too fast
isn't the problem. It's how they define what love is. Are they just caught up in the emotional roller-coaster? Or are they committed? Do they have a "Disney" fantasy of love or a "boots and all" approach.

No relationship is perfect. You will have flaws and so will they. It's simply about finding the best match and a woman that is practical minded when the shtf.
Also good to see a woman at her worst rather then at her best all the time. Because that mood can last for months and women handle it in different ways. People are not perfect so you need to know that their downtimes don't require too much energy, or misery.

Little back story. She is recently divorced. She says she didn't want to fall for a guy and doesn't understand her feelings for me ( fake chick talk...I don't know).

She has a good job and can support herself, but not near my lifestyle ( maybe she's attracted to that).

She has a psychology degree which immediately throws red flags (psychologists have the worst pasts).

She seems genuine, but way to genuine. (Like nothing I've ever seen)

The restaurant thing threw me for a loop. She started talking about love but started crying saying that I would leave her. She also says that she tries to spend a lot of time with me because she thinks I won't be back the next day. ( I feel like she's hiding something that she's worried I'll discover or I'm just out of her league)

I've maintained my frame and think she's super cool, but I still think there's something I'm missing. I could be developing feelings myself but not as quickly as she seems to be.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Lol.... You are being played. She is yrying to sucker you into white knighting. The tears and I love you are designed to guilt you into staying. It erodes your frame because we dont want to hurt people. Dont fall for it.
Next time she says "I love you" tell her to prove it. Next time she says she is scared you are going to leave tell her you are not bored YET.
Let her work to keep you and enter your frame. Dont get suckered into hers.

 

[Die Hard]

Cluster B...

Surprised at how fast you're developing feelings for her and losing control over yourself?

Don't take the fact that she is eliciting strong feelings inside of you as proof that she is RIGHT for you!

Treat her like a fvckbuddy, don't pursue an LTR with her and KEEP YOUR FEELINGS IN CHECK. You'll regret it if you don't....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yup, they always seem great in the honeymoon phase, don't they? Following the honeymoon phase, her true character will emerge.

Don't jump in (emotionally) just yet my friend. Be and stay vigilant. Keep one foot out the door, and the other foot manipulatively in. Relationships can take years to build, and then dissolve at a moment's notice.

I always say if your going to do an LTR with someone, do a background check on them. Find out how they handle relationships and situations. Don't ask them, learn from their peers and family members and ex's.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

True about psychology majors. It seems like the people who need a shrink the most often become shrinks!

 

[Spinach]

Just be aware if you don't give her what she thinks she needs within a reasonable time period she will be gone. Decide which is most important to you...your "frame" or her presence. Sometimes you cannot have both. Good luck my friend.

 

[ZTIME]

Cluster B...

Surprised at how fast you're developing feelings for her and losing control over yourself?

Feelings? Maybe, but not as escalated as how she seems to feel for me. My feelings are more of infatuation then love.

Losing control of myself? I think I've maintained a high level of control throughout. My career and social life dictate a limited amount of time. So controlling where we go and when we see each other is on auto pilot. Seeming kind of aloof is natural for me and I've not really become overly affectionate.

I post honestly here to keep myself in check. Most of you know my relationship horror stories, and for 2 years I've been working on myself and dating random meaningless women.

Now I find something else, and want to make sure I'm not missing red flags, or worse.

This isn't an "I think I have a BPD psychopath" thread. It's a "ZTIME dot your I's and cross your T's" thread.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, I'm telling you you ARE missing red flags AND WORSE...

But you're clearly in denial and it's clearly futile to try and reason with you at the moment. I did my job and tried to make you aware of things, but suit yourself...

If you have questions, I'm here.