Need serious help, about to turn 40 and never had a gf or sex

[schttrj]

busy woman...

you should rather try to get out of your virgin mindset... get a hooker and **** the hell out of her and then you go on improving your game over the time.

 

[comic_relief]

39 year old,

I want to welcome you to the forum and see great things coming from you.

You have a lot of work ahead of you and almost all of the masters of the website are more then happy to help you out. (Look out for trolls on this website though).

I would suggest that you put all of your questions in the Mature Man's Forum for help. Those are the men that will truly help you. Sorry to say teeny boppers and early twenty year olds (myself included), but we won't be any help. This is a topic for the mature members of the board

They have dealt or know how to deal with this type of "situation" because they are up there in years.

On another subject, here is a post that I dug up for you.
Help! I'm turning into the 40 year old virgin
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=84628&highlight=virgin

hope that might help

comic_relief

 

[39year_old_virgin]

At least that guy got laid with his first girlfriend at 19. I used to have higher standards, I also wanted to save myself for the one I marry, but since then I have dropped religion entirely and become an athiest. I blame the religious indoctrination I got when I was younger in part for my current situation. I used to also think I was above dating women who had kids, I didn't want to have to put up with kids that were not mine, but on the online dating site I "lowered" myself to emailing chicks who were single mothers and not one responded back to me, so apparently even they are out of my league now.

In public I am extremely shy, in fact I usually lower my head when I cross paths with a pretty woman on the street. I know that is bad but my self esteem is shot from years of rejection and giving up. I can't imagine getting up the nerve to talk to a strange woman in public, it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking aobut it, and the fact that they will probably cruelly reject me or go "ewww gross, don't talk to me you loser!" or something like that, even though I know rationally they will probably be polite or at worst just ignore me, or tell me they have a boyfriend. In college when I would talk to women they usually told me they had a boyfriend, even when I found out later they didn't and they were lying to me.

How old are you Luke Skywalker? I am probably the oldest virgin on the planet outside of the Vatican at this point. And yes, "friends" have jokingly made comparisons of me to George Costanza and I hate it, but I guess I am becoming sort of like him, minus the getting laid part. My few friends I have outside of the WOW community are now married and have kids and it makes me feel like complete **** that I am still single and lonely. I guess I can copy and paste my initial post in the mature man forum if they are different people than post here.

 

[39year_old_virgin]

I just posted a long response here and it didn't post. arrgh! As far as single mothers and such, I actually did "lower" myself to date them on that online dating service I was on, and even they rejected me. I originally wanted a hot woman in her 20's, or at least under 35 with no kids but even 40 year old women with kids would not respond to me emails.

I used to have this fairytale notion of finding the perfect women and marrying her, and believed it was a sin to have sex before marriage because of the religious indoctrination I recieved growing up . I have now become an athiest and rejected that BS wholesale. I made my mother cry when I told her this but I blame religion for at least part of my problem. Now I have much lower standards about the conditions in which I will have sex but for me now even then it is hard.
As far as approaching women on the street, I usually lower my head slightly when I cross paths with a beautiful woman. I cannot help it after years of rejection and giving up. I have in the back of my mind she will say "eww gross, get away from me you creep!" and call the cops on me or something if I dare say hi to her. I know it is in my head and she will probably just ignore me or tell me she has a boyfriend. That is what they did in college, even when I found out later they didn't really have a boyfriend, that they lied to me.
How old are you Luke Skywalker? I have a feeling I am probably the oldest virgin in the world outside the Vatican at this point. My few friends I have left are married and have families and it makes me feel like ****.
As far as fitness, I am hitting the gym again. There have been periods when I have lost a lot of the weight, but when I didn't get immediate attention from girls, I would slip into my old habits again and gain it back. This time I am trying to build muscle and lose it for good, but it is difficult giving up good food and alcohol when that is all I have to live for ATM.

 

[CaptainJ]

SHUT THE FVCK UP, you don't help yourself, how the fvck can you help other people? You don't understand how angry I get everytime I read one of your posts, YOU FVCKING FAIL AT LIFE. Doesn't God want you to be the best GODDAMN person you can possibly be in your lifetime? Can you please take a photo between your legs, so I can see if you actually have balls or not.

You need to learn that you aren't always right, nor is your mother or your father. You need to learn that you can be WRONG, your mother can be WRONG, your father, WRONG. Tell me where all the advice your mother has given to you over your life has landed you? Low self-esteem, just about ZERO experience with women, still live at home, and fvcking openly discuss things with your parents to get their permission.

It's lucky you aren't in my part of the world, I guarantee by now I would beaten the sh!t out of you, and made you change.

I second this motion.

 

[comic_relief]

I second this motion.

Alright, I third this, but I had a WTF moment.

I though Mike said it to the OP and I was like "WHAT. THE. FVCK!" I then had to go back and realize that he was talking about Luke Skywalker. I was like, "THAT IS FVCKEN AWESOME!"

comic_relief

 

[suavesuave]

i have a friend who plays War of Warcraft all day long...so sad.

 

[Igetit!]

Alright, I third this, but I had a WTF moment.

I though Mike said it to the OP and I was like "WHAT. THE. FVCK!" I then had to go back and realize that he was talking about Luke Skywalker. I was like, "THAT IS FVCKEN AWESOME!"

comic_relief

Yeah,it kind of threw me off for a second too. I was like,"Why is he talking to the OP like that? If he (the OP) had been a member here for a long time,and all he did was make thread after thread complaining about his situation instead of trying to change it,then yeah,I could see where this would be appropiate".

I have a fleshlight in the basement though. They are good. Have you tried one of them?

Luke,I WISH you would stop talking about that thing.

How does that help the OP?

Everytime I read of one your post and you mention that thing,it makes me want to vomit. (I'm serious.)




39 year old virgin,

Seems to me like you just have the standard low self-esteem/insecurity problems that ALL PEOPLE face at one point or another,just a worst case of it. And of course,these things are a turn off for women. You've mentioned your height,weight,and hair loss like 2 or 3 times with makes me think that you think that these thing make you unattractive to women. NOTHIING COULD BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH. To me,your problem seems to be two-fold:

1:You have a lack of understanding about how attraction works for women.
2:The insecurity/self-steem issue.

Although both of these are individual problems,they intertwine with each other,for example:

Women are emotional. So the way you FEEL when you're around her,if you express it strongly enough,she'll feel it too. So if because of your hair,weight,or anything else you FEEL uncomfortable while in a woman's presense,she'' pick up on that feeling,then she'll feel uncomfortable too. It's not your physical attributes that turn women off,it's THE WAY YOU FEEL about those attributes.

Baldness doesn't turn a woman off. It's the insecurity that the baldness creates in the man.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that looks have nothing to do with it.
Proper grooming habits,and good hygiene ARE IMPORTANT. But if you walk around with your head down because you feel about yourself,it wouldn't matter how tall you are,or how full of a head of hair you have.

You need to get yourself straightened out internally first. You can do this while you're trying to improve you weight and/or other physical issues.

There's a OCEAN FULL of info on here to help you out,plus any member here would be glad to answer any questions you may have to assist you along the way.

Peace.

 

[speakeasy]

To the 39 year old virgin, you suffer from a condition called Love Shyness. I'd say your first step should be to educate yourself on your condition.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

There was a definitive book written on the subject back in the 80s that studied men in your situation and would be a great place to start educating yourself on what happened to you:
http://www.love-shy.com/Gilmartin/toc.html

And I might suggest to read this site for support:
http://loveshyproject.com

A good next step after understanding the problem fully is to do something about it. A great transition will be reading Mike Pilinski's book:
http://www.amazon.com/Without-Embarrassment-Cowards-Fearless-Seduction/dp/1412013739

The reason I say read the Pilinski book is because unlike most DJ material out there, it's targeted to guys who have serious shyness issues. Most the material in the PUA community being sold is geared toward guys who already have some experience and social skills, but just want to take it to another level, but you are starting here at the absolute bottom and Pilinski is the only one I know of dealing with that type of male.

I know about this stuff because at one point much earlier in life I was in your situation. I cured myself. This was long ago now, but I educated myself on the situation and took steps to do something about it. I ended up losing my virginity and started dating women. I've been seeing a girl for the last year and a half or so. Granted, I liken the situation to falling in quicksand, the longer you linger in it, the harder it will be to get out. It will be magnitudes harder for a 40 year old virgin to cure the problem than a 20 year old with the same exact problem. Curing this disease earlier will be much easier. But don't get caught up in worrying about the past. I lament the fact that I didn't learn about DJ skills when I was in high school, but that's all water under the bridge. You can't change the past, accept it. But the future is not written in stone and you must take responsibility for it. Good luck to you and keep us updated on your progress.

 

[ssj4halo]

dont make him think he has a disease. That'll give him an excuse. He is at fault here because he didn't make a change until today when he told us about his situation.

What he needs is to READ the dj bible inside out. understand it. Then ask questions for clarifications. See a therapist if he has any issues. On top of that, the most important part of all, he needs to become a new man. sellf-improvement. Change your clothes, get a job, hit the gym(if you want), change the way you walk, are your shoulders slouched?, etc.

And while he does all these thigns, he has to keep approaching women. This is not a DISEASE. Its just the sum of bad social conditioning, AFCness, and a bunch load of bad luck. You can do this man. Its been done by 100s of guys with similar situtations.

 

[speakeasy]

dont make him think he has a disease. That'll give him an excuse. He is at fault here because he didn't make a change until today when he told us about his situation.

What he needs is to READ the dj bible inside out. understand it. Then ask questions for clarifications. See a therapist if he has any issues. On top of that, the most important part of all, he needs to become a new man. sellf-improvement. Change your clothes, get a job, hit the gym(if you want), change the way you walk, are your shoulders slouched?, etc.

And while he does all these thigns, he has to keep approaching women. This is not a DISEASE. Its just the sum of bad social conditioning, AFCness, and a bunch load of bad luck. You can do this man. Its been done by 100s of guys with similar situtations.

I didn't say it's a disease, I said it's a condition. And it is a condition with psychological origins that can be treated and perhaps reversed if done in time. But like I said, there's no time to waste with this. The longer one remains in such a situation, the further off the tracks they'll be in having even the most basic of social skills making it a vicious cycle. It's up to the 39 year old virgin to change his situation and I think just like anyone with a severe psychological condition, it's important to understand how they got there, as well as take steps to change the situation. That said, his love shy condition is not just some simple thing to be tweaked and fixed like having bad game or bad f*ck closes, this dude needs a complete overall of his life, his mind, his financial situation, his image and who he is on the inside. It's a tall order at his age but anything is possible. I think the links I recommended to him will get him started down the path of education himself and then doing something about it.

Also, the DJ bible will help, but that's like giving high school homework to someone in grade school. He's not even at that level yet. He has to deal with all the psychological issues first that extend well beyond the realm of dealing with women.

 

[39year_old_virgin]

Thanks for the advice, I will check out those links and reading material. What got me realizing just what an AFC I had been, and how badly I have screwed up with women in the past, is that I found a copy of Ron Luis and Davic Copelands book "How to Succeed with Women" at a used bookstore I was browsing. After reading it I found out I basically made every mistake in the book in my seduction attmpts, and why I made it. It is also the reason I got on the internet and found this site.

All the other books I read before like "Dating for Dummies" and a few others out there I think were more geared to women and didn't help me much. However, I will certainly look at the links you guys gave me. I hope it isn't too late to undo the stupid way I have acted up to now.
As far as getting a prostitute, I always wanted my first time to be with someone special. When I was in high school I never imagined my first time being with a prostitute, and only tried it when I gave up religion and realized how desperate I was. I would still like to avoid that fate if possible, and lose my virginity in a "normal" way.
I came close, and actually started dating someone, but she ended up just leading me on and using me. This was back when I actually had a job and was making money, and I spent thousands of dollars helping her out because she was in graduate school and was broke most of the time. The ultimate insult and what ended that relationship is when I helped her buy gas to go to a city about an hours drive away. I found out she went there so she could meet and bang her ex boyfriend. That was the ultimate insult and I gave up on gaming her at that point, after everything else I did for her. She just manipulated and used me, and now I realize what an AFC dumbsht I was. I cannot post anymore responsed because I have reached my daily post limit apparently, so I will reply again in a day or two or whenever I can again.

 

[S.S.N. 318]

...Hell I seriously doubt that anybody on this forum will ever become famous.

I will be famous and thats on the real....Becomin a Rap/Porno/Video Game/Movie star a.s.a.p.

 

[tarotale]

no disrespect to you sir, but try prostitute again. i usually don agree prostitution b/c it affects confidence and ego, but in your case, fvcking a prostitute can actually open your eyes up. hell, i might one day go fvck a expensive prostitute someday if i get tired of playing games with girls lol

 

[speakeasy]

Thanks for the advice, I will check out those links and reading material. What got me realizing just what an AFC I had been, and how badly I have screwed up with women in the past, is that I found a copy of Ron Luis and Davic Copelands book "How to Succeed with Women" at a used bookstore I was browsing. After reading it I found out I basically made every mistake in the book in my seduction attmpts, and why I made it. It is also the reason I got on the internet and found this site.

All the other books I read before like "Dating for Dummies" and a few others out there I think were more geared to women and didn't help me much. However, I will certainly look at the links you guys gave me. I hope it isn't too late to undo the stupid way I have acted up to now.

One more link I forgot to add and it's important:

http://www.kinowear.com/blog/

At some point, you're going to have to learn something about image, fashion, how to carry yourself, etc. That blog is the best I've seen with regards to that and also ties in pretty well with the PUA stuff and male/female psychology things we discuss in this forum.

 

[ssj4halo]

I know about this stuff because at one point much earlier in life I was in your situation. I cured myself. This was long ago now, but I educated myself on the situation and took steps to do something about it. I ended up losing my virginity and started dating women. I've been seeing a girl for the last year and a half or so. Granted, I liken the situation to falling in quicksand, the longer you linger in it, the harder it will be to get out. It will be magnitudes harder for a 40 year old virgin to cure the problem than a 20 year old with the same exact problem. Curing this disease earlier will be much easier. But don't get caught up in worrying about the past. I lament the fact that I didn't learn about DJ skills when I was in high school, but that's all water under the bridge. You can't change the past, accept it. But the future is not written in stone and you must take responsibility for it. Good luck to you and keep us updated on your progress.

yes you did mate. But I guess you didn't mean it.

 

[speakeasy]

yes you did mate. But I guess you didn't mean it.

Ah my bad. Yah, didn't mean it in literal sense. Just like someone might say "the disease of hatred" or something.

 

[snowdog]

Well, hats off to you for now, if you are not a troll. I thought I was the oldest virgin on here. Guess I stand to be corrected.

I have a fleshlight in the basement though. They are good. Have you tried one of them?

Wanna hear a good tip? Don't listen to this guy

 

[head_wall]

Gosh, where to begin.

First I would start with forgetting about the past. I know, easier said than done, and I too am guilty of being a bit self-pitying from time to time (I even just posted a question to a recent problem of my own), but only once in an infrequent while. What you need to realize is the more you explain your sad story to yourself and others, the more you think about this as a PROBLEM, the more it will BE a problem, and will continue to get in your way. Even your username gives you the IDENTITY of a virgin, and that identity will keep you a virgin, so CHANGE it! REALIZE that you start now, today, with a new slate, that the past is OVER. OVER. It doesn't affect you at ALL, unless you choose to let it. Really get that into your head. You KNOW that you can be a complete success with women, look at how many people change from dweebs to champs. But as long as you think about how crappy things have been it will continue to be crappy because that is the way you will think about things in every encounter. (I'm halfway giving myself this advice too btw)

Next, you have to be detached from results. You want to get laid, BAD. But as long as you hold sex as the meter for getting results, and everything else just means you suck, you'll trip over your **** and feel bad. You're going to have to get good the same way everyone else does, and that's through constant and consistent PRACTICE, without lusting after results. The only thing you need to focus on right now is improving. You need to focus on being okay with UNCERTAINTY. Most guys won't go out and even try to get good with women because they want total assurance that nothing they will do will ever go wrong, and that will never be the case.

Go out, do simple easy intros, I'm sure you've learned many examples of these but haven't tried them yet, and just get to the point where you feel COMFORTABLE talking to women. THAT is your goal. Learn to feel safe when you are interacting with women, that everything is prefectly okay. REHEARSE this state in your mind before you go out, it will pay dividends. Rehearse being in the situation, feeling calm, relaxed, calmly socializing with people, and do it as though you are seeing it through your eyes.

The meaning you want to attach to your interactions is that no matter what happens, you are learning something new and improving. Every interaction is a positive one, because you've learned something. This should be your reality before you leave the house. In this way you become flexible in your conversation. Resist the urge to censor what you say because you're afraid the other person won't like it. You're not being your true self that way.

Once you're comfortable talking to women and don't care what they think of you, then and only then will you be ready to use a seduction framework to get result with women. There's many of them out there, including the DJ Bible, which is good. Learn one and resist the temptation to give yourself mental overload by learning every system so that you can conquer and feel safe in every situation. Just take one skill at a time and learn to do it, and then do another one once you've got it.

Meditation: do at least 10-minutes of relaxed breaths ing to clear your mind. This will RADICALLY clear any anxiety out of your system, especially if you do it before you go out. This is how I do mine: On the in breath, I imagine a line of energy traveling down the front of my body and coalescing into my lower tan t'tien (the spot between your belly button and scrotum , about 2 inches inward) Hold it, then exhale, imagining a line of energy going up the spine and out the top of your head. The exhale is slower than the inhale. In between the exhales and inhales, you want to really take your focus into your body, and just NOTICE how quiet everything is, even if there is noise. Notice how quiet your mind is and how peaceful you feel. It might take a few times before you can noticeably quiet your mind but you will eventually. The clarity you can achieve is one of the most amazing feelings. This is pretty important.

Also, keep a journal and record your results and WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED. And get off WOW, this is a WASTE of time and keeping you from improving yourself, which should be your main focus if you want to change and get anywhere. No more excuses.

 

[Interceptor]

Be careful of feeling like a failure just because you havent had great success with women.
No woman, no matter how wonderful she is, can make or break you. And no woman can truly fix all that is 'wrong' with us. So let go of the idea of a woman 'saving' you or fixing your Problems. Or that 'Once I get a GF EVERYTHING will be perfect in my Life!!!!" Thats an illusion too..

There are other areas of your life too.

Its important to have interests and hobbies. Have a passion for something.
Its also important to not blame your appearance entirely.
Women do look for your character and personality.
If you had great looks , but you have this kind of attitude you still woudlnt have deeply satisfying success.
So what is your attitude?

What do you like about yourself?

When do you feel confident?

What kind of pursuits and hobbies really bring you joy?

What kind of reading and learning are you doing?
What steps are you taking to improve yourself, but also , the way you look at life and live it as well?

Women are attracted to confidence.
Confidence comes from self assuredness.
And self assuredness comes from being ok with uncertainty.

True, deep masculine nature is being self assured despite one's external conditions.
And heterosexual women are deeply attracted to masculine men.

When we are disconnected to our masculinity, EVERYBODY suffers.
When we are disconnected to our feelings, we shut down.

Dont shut down.
And dont disconnect from your masculinity.
Dont ever be ashamed of yourself.
Dont APOLOGIZE for WHO you are, or being a Man.
OWN it. Embrace it. Enjoy it and share it with deserving women.
Dont allow the experiences from the past own your soul and your life anymore.

You are an adult.
You DO have the ability to be in full command of yourSELF.
You DONT have to allow experiences that disempower you continue to guide your decisions.

You have to want a better life for yourself, not just another shot with women or something.

Dont live with regret trying to relive a high school fantasy.

Youre a grown man now. You must deal with the decision you chose and these consequences you experience now as a result.

Reconnect to your masculine instincts.
Dont disqualify yourself because some female in the past rejected you. Or even now.
Those women arent 'feeling' it with you.

Why?

Just be honest.

You arent demonstrating the things they need to feel attraction to you.
its ok.
Its not a disease. And its not permanent. But own that right now, you are not demonstrating the necessary things that women are just bioliogically wired to be attracted to.
But dont kick yourself out of life because of it. Identify what is missing, and get that back in to your SELF.


You are just too down on yourself and self defeated.
This has to change.
What are the things you need to reconnect to for you to be attractive again to women?

If you know that women , while attracted to looks, are looking for how you express yourself, your ability to handle emotions, adversity, how you move your body, how comfortable you are with yourself, how comfortable you are with uncertainty, etc..
then you cant really justify the shortness or hair loss, etc...

Women are looking for men who demonstrate what I call

the Warrior
the Hunter
the Lover
the Provider


These are our natural masculine gifts. They dont really address height or hair do they?
One thing that I always say is "Back in caveman days , females were still attracted to Men...WHY? We all pretty much looked the same, and we didnt have grooming or mirrors really. So....WHAT WAS IT?"
Do you see what Im getting at?
All that STILL counts today.


These are our gifts as MEN.
Dont be ashamed of them. Dont be embarassed or ashamed of yourself, or even resentful of more masculine men you have known in your life. Embrace it and reconnect to all that.
Connect to THOSE things. Everything else will begin to fall into place bit by bit for you.
Begin to work out a plan for your life.
If you dont like your appearance , there are things you can do to change it.

The first thing I would suggest is going to the gym and pumping iron.
The second thing would be getting a job.
I feel these are your two pressing priorities.
Then re evalutate how badly you need to escape from your life versus starting to do the things that really make your life worthwhile to YOU.


Then begin to investigate why you keep holding on to these beliefs that dont serve you.
ie. "I am ugly"
" I am fat, bald, and ugly so no woman will ever want me and thats just the way it is..."
" I dont deserve to be happy, or a good woman, or a good life, etc etc..."

What do you get out of holding on to these beliefs?
And if you know they hurt you, why do you allow that to be your reality?

Why do you let some female from the past own your life NOW?

If you feel down on yourself, you have low self esteem.
But if you have low self esteem, the usual reaction is to not do anything about it or increase it, because there is such a lack of care, and feeling of value and deserving. So we choose to do nothing, because we dont feel worth it, and dont think anyone will notice , etc...
So then this becomes a vicious cycle.

The only way to get past anxiety and powerlessness, is to build something and perform ACTION. To make a DECISION.

Choose something and ACT on it.

You have made the choice previously, it led you to this kind of life.

Now , you MUST inform yourself on how to make a better decision and CHANGE not only your current life circumstances , but your INNER Self as well...