Need help with a break up.

[Stevie]

Hi guys. I'm new here and going through something I never have before. The past few weeks my girlfriend of 8 months and I have been up and down until we reached a breaking point the other night.

I had noticed her becoming distant, and one morning I get a text saying that she was unhappy with our relationship. I would occasionally backslide into AFC mode, but catch myself doing it and correct myself, so I thought it through and believed that this just stemmed from her two best friends going through break ups and she just absorbed their emotions of hatred and resentment towards men and relationships. I kept calm, told her I understand, and she explained that she thinks we should go on a break. I tell her OK and then go no contact for half a day. When i re-engaged her I asked her if this break was just time apart or if we weren't in a relationship. She responds with "why?" and I drop out no contact for a day and a half. To which she texts me saying that she wants me back, really loves me, just wanted things to change and not that we wouldn't talk, yada yada yada. We get back together.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago and I find out she's hanging out with this 18 year old kid that she works with. (I'm 26, she's 22) I've met the kid and he came of as this scrawny AFC that I had nothing to worry about. She would tell me when they would hang out, except this one night I catch her lying about being with him. She explains she didn't want me to be angry that she was spending so much time with another guy...yada, yada yada. I brush it off after a long talk about how I'm not gonna put up with her lying to me. (Mistake #1) The next week, I get out of work to find her drunk at home. I catch her lying again about hanging out with this kid and two mutual friends of ours. I walk out on her, but after a day long talk about lying to me I brush it off again, figuring it just had to do with her being drunk. (Mistake #2...I know.)

Then it was this past week I feel her going distant again. I don't feel like I backslide, but maybe just ended up coasting borderline. But I see texts over her shoulder to her friend saying that shes unhappy and she doesn't know if its because of me or not, and that she's just had so much fun with this kid. I tell her maybe we need some time apart, but I end up back at her house the next day and hook up with her. That night she goes to a night class and I end up hanging out with my friend. She texts me to come over, but I explain that I can't ditch my friend. She had a job interview the next morning so she had to be to bed early. Before I went home around 3am from hanging with my friend, I dropped by and left a note on her car for her to wake up to, wishing her luck on her interview.

I wake up to texts of her being sour towards me, not letting her know i got home alright and not even acknowledging the note I left. That night, whikle I was at work she was acting oddly. One word answers and just basically falling off the radar. I tell her I might make a pit stop at the bar for my other friends birthday, but change my mind, and I tell her I'm gonna come by her place. She says not to, and that she's about to go to bed. I tell her I'll come by for only like a half hour, and she says "no goodnight", to which I get angry and reply "really?". She says, "ill see you tomorrow goodnight". Now she would always pop by my house unannounced, and I just wanted to talk to her for a few minutes about how she was acting and I head over to her place. As, I'm driving by its lights out, tv on in the living room, and that kid's car in her driveway.

I text her furious, telling her that I'm done with her. And she's texting back how if I wasn't gonna ditch my friend for her, why should she ditch hers for me?. I go home and change my facebook status and remove everything on it that had to do with her. I stay furious and have her come get all of her stuff the next morning, but now that the anger has subsided, I don't know if i was acting purely out of anger. For all I know, nothing was going on, beings too that night was typically they're hang out night. But, it was always with other friends and never lights out like that. I just broke at the thought of her not telling me she was hanging with the kid, and all signs point to cheating.

I've tried to text her but she's go some sort of block on my number. All my texts work fine except when sending one to her. It's three days later now, and she hasn't removed me from any of her social networks, and still has herself listed as in a relationship. And, her family has posted on my wall, so I don't think shes mentioned it to them. I gave her a ring on Christmas that she wears every day and I can see she's still wearing it in a photo posted today.

I just don't know how to approach this. I've left her 2 messages on facebook, but I don't want to keep contacting her, because I don't want to push her away if this is salvageable. Was I in the right? Was I wrong? I feel like I was disrespected.

(Sorry for the long post.)

 

[expos]

Completely disrespected. 8 months and this is the treatment you are getting?

Telling you to not come over?

Bravo on telling her to get her stuff.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry you had to see this guy's car in her driveway, but stop contacting her.

Go ghost for awhile and let her make the next move.

 

[jester1x]

You're a grown man dating a teenage girl. Don't get angry, envious, jealous or try to get even anymore...go on with life without her. (A 22 year old women hanging out with an 18 year old boy says a lot about her maturity level.)

I'd just tell her it's been real but time to move on. I'd say it with a genuine smile my face and wish her well. Don't mention the other guy under any circumstance.

You just have to cut her out of your life and let her have what she obviously desires right now. She'll be back but will you want her back!?

Maybe you can become the illusive man that got away...in her life. Let her wonder for a change. In my experience, it's actually worse for women. She is going to compare this 18 year old to you and he won't measure up.

*I see you told her it's over. Don't contact her anymore by phone, text, email, smoke signal...you get the idea. Look out for #1 for a change. That's what you call being a mature man in my opinion.

 

[floydb25]

This was over some time ago; you just drew it out and felt the full wrath, so to speak. When a girl loses interest, she distances herself from you, looks at other prospects, etc. Every little thing becomes a big deal, they start fights for no reason, aren't satisfied with anything you do, everything is your fault, they don't enjoy being around you, spend time with other guys and lie about it, etc. Nothing you do is right, and there's a strong sense of dissatisfaction and walking on egg shells - which you, of course, get to deal with as the scapegoat /undecided prospect. (This is when you BAIL, and don't become the ***** - regardless of how they "feel" about it, or what they "want", or whatever BS they feed you to keep you around... for THEM..)

It's a very rocky process, and you're only kept around in case nothing better comes along, or if they decide you are the one they want. Kind of like a back-up plan who hasn't been officially been broken up with yet, just in case. If they're not interested, and do decide to seek other pastures, you're pretty much nothing to them anymore, but everything is still your fault - including when they cheat and break up with you.

A lot of *****es - especially young, attractive ones - are selfish, entitled, fleeting *****es. You just don't realize it when they're into you, but it's not you they care about - and never was. Even when they ***** and complain about how selfish and unfair other people are - as they blame them for everything... when they're the ones being selfish and unfair and disloyal and whatever else.

Just realize that she was the problem, and don't let her turn everything around on you. Certainly don't tolerate this kind of crap, and keep pursuing her, and giving her all the power - while you remain a heart-broken chump with no-way out, who keeps crawling back. Don't settle for this ****. She was the one who disrespected you... It needs to be the other way around, but since she's selfish, it's not.

Just walk away with your head held high, and realize that she was ****. Of course, it's harder to do when you're younger; tolerate more BS, don't realize how ****ty people are, etc. Oh, but you will learn! :kick:

 

[donking]

I tell her OK and then go no contact for half a day.

Bro, this is your problem. You're talking to her too damn much. Now find another girl and do better.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

Sounds like cheating to me. If she has to lie about hanging out with the kid and that you can't drop by, then clearly more things are going on between the two of them then "just hanging out watching a movie." And let's be honest, what guy is going to hang out with a girl every week and not try to escalate? If he has any balls he's already done things with her.

 

[Stevie]

I saw her at the bar tonight. I tried to keep my eyes off her. My friends say they caught her looking at me. I forgot to give her back her phone charger when she picked up her stuff, but I had it in my car for the next time I saw a friend of mine who works with her. I grabbed it and walked straight up to her and placed it on the bar in front of her. She looked me in the eyes and said thanks with some disdain in her voice. No words from me. I just walked away and enjoyed my night.

 

[zinc4]

Go no contact and never look back...she sounds like a miserable low quality woman who will blame her problems on anyone she can...

I would have trashed the charger if I were you.....if you value your pride and dignity never talk to this girl again even if she calls you 100 times and sends apologetic texts....you can do much better than someone like that.

 

[Stevie]

And here it comes...I kind of find it funny how this is all happening live for you guys. I came back to my friends place after the bar. We're playing some Mario Kart and I got a Facebook message from her saying "I love you"...

 

[Stevie]

I appreciate the advice guys. I couldn't trash her charger though, zinc. I believe experiencing emotions like anger are normal, but the control we have on acting upon them is often overlooked. Which is why, for myself, the only regrets on the situation are the parts where I was the one acting out of anger.

I would have loved to see this relationship work, and I can accept it not. I know my worth, and I know she's the one at a loss. I lost a girl that was no good for me, and gained every opportunity the world has to offer.

Win-Win.

 

[Redempti0n]

A lot of posters here seem to believe that women are the spawn of the devil. That all of them are evil selfish ho's and all that , while at the same time believing that men are the incarnation of perfection.
That's just so wrong on so many different levels...


I'm talking about teenage girls here:

The fact is that they are just emotional creatures that are very easily confused by life and what happens around them. You could have the most perfect relationship in the world and all of a sudden she wants to brake up with you cuz "She is unhappy and doesn't know why".
The only way you're ever gonna get out of that unscratched is if you don't melt down. If you keep your cool about it , don't turn into a huge doormat and manage to keep your head up through the sh!t storm , it's gonna confuse her even further. She's gonna start thinking "Omg ... I made a huge mistake. I can't lose him."

Then you usually get the "I love you.." text message.
That would never happen if you'd go major AFC on her and start begging her to come back. If you do , she'll automatically assume she was right to brake-up with you. You're value lowers substantially and she won't possibly see you as a loss.


Obviously this isn't the case every single time and not all of these girls are slaves to their emotions like that. Some manage to think clearly every now and then. But most don't. And even those who do will eventually regret braking up with a quality guy.

Anyway, you did real good Stevie.

 

[floydb25]

A lot of posters here seem to believe that women are the spawn of the devil. That all of them are evil selfish ho's and all that , while at the same time believing that men are the incarnation of perfection.
That's just so wrong on so many different levels...


I'm talking about teenage girls here:

The fact is that they are just emotional creatures that are very easily confused by life and what happens around them. You could have the most perfect relationship in the world and all of a sudden she wants to brake up with you cuz "She is unhappy and doesn't know why".
The only way you're ever gonna get out of that unscratched is if you don't melt down. If you keep your cool about it , don't turn into a huge doormat and manage to keep your head up through the sh!t storm , it's gonna confuse her even further. She's gonna start thinking "Omg ... I made a huge mistake. I can't lose him."

Then you usually get the "I love you.." text message.
That would never happen if you'd go major AFC on her and start begging her to come back. If you do , she'll automatically assume she was right to brake-up with you. You're value lowers substantially and she won't possibly see you as a loss.


Obviously this isn't the case every single time and not all of these girls are slaves to their emotions like that. Some manage to think clearly every now and then. But most don't. And even those who do will eventually regret braking up with a quality guy.

Anyway, you did real good Stevie.

Disagree, sir. If it was just as is, out of the blue... sure. But it's not. Like in 98% of the cases... there's another guy that she lies about her feelings for - while simultaneously treating him like leftovers... You see, she starts courting, and most likely fooling around with another guy AS all of this is happening.

This is pretty clear-cut to me. All standard ****. There's nothing in what he says that isn't common among young, indecisive, immature, selfish girls who want it all their way.

Most guys mistake them for being innocent and pure and quality and omg marriage happy funtime - when they're shallow, retarded, stuck up, bratty, fleeting, douchey, insincere, think they know everything when they don't have a clue, etc. Like all the punk 20 year old guys trying to be women - while thinking they're in a Chicago gang.

Either way you swing it - they're not LTR material, or worth investing in. It's just not there with 'em. They jump from guy to guy like no tomorrow. Like having a new shiney toy that they get bored of (but don't want anyone else to have, since it's MINE MINE MINE!!).

Never take young, immature GIRLS seriously. Whether they're Demons or not.

 

[Redempti0n]

Disagree, sir. If it was just as is, out of the blue... sure. But it's not. Like in 98% of the cases... there's another guy that she lies about her feelings for - while simultaneously treating him like leftovers... You see, she starts courting, and most likely fooling around with another guy AS all of this is happening.

This is pretty clear-cut to me. All standard ****. There's nothing in what he says that isn't common among young, indecisive, immature, selfish girls who want it all their way.

Most guys mistake them for being innocent and pure and quality and omg marriage happy funtime - when they're shallow, retarded, stuck up, bratty, fleeting, douchey, insincere, think they know everything when they don't have a clue, etc. Like all the punk 20 year old guys trying to be women - while thinking they're in a Chicago gang.

Either way you swing it - they're not LTR material, or worth investing in. It's just not there with 'em. They jump from guy to guy like no tomorrow. Like having a new shiney toy that they get bored of (but don't want anyone else to have, since it's MINE MINE MINE!!).

Never take young, immature GIRLS seriously. Whether they're Demons or not.

The other guy isn't the cause of the confussion I was speaking of , he's the effect.

Once she starts thinking she's unhappy - for whatever reason (the cause) - she starts allowing one of her orbiter army to get closer(the effect). It's not like she trips and falls in love with someone new.Once that happens ,she starts feeling the excitement of connecting with someone new (and she will connect , because it's not like she's gonna get rejected by a long-time satelite ) , and it leads to ever more confusion.

Point is , other guy or no guy , the only way to walk out of this head held high is to not buy into her bullsh!t. As I said , if you turn AFC , you're gone. If you don't , the confusion gets to a level in which she starts sending the "I love you's" , starts chasing , begging ,or doesn't ,and finds shelter in the would-be rebound's arms. For you , it's a win-win. For her,it's a self-destructing mechanism. Big loss-loss.Because if you're any smart she should've lost massive value points in your eyes , and also , we all know rebound relationships never ever work.

The reason for this would be that after a girl brakes up with her current guy , she will innevitably ,9/10 times, wind up with one of her loyal minions that has been following her around since the dawn of time. But because the new guy has been a minion for so long ,you can imagine that his actual value is pretty much sh!t. No guy with options will allow himself to orbit.

So what she ends up doing is basically a massive down-grade and it doesn't take long until she realizes it.



While I agree with what you say , I'm pretty certain that the extra guy usually comes as a result of some stupid turbulance. Something as small as her girlfriend saying "Your bf doesn't diserve you." or "You're not happy with him".
Regardless of weather this is or is not true , it WILL set it all in motion. But like I said , it depends on her own ability to control her emotions , her own self-image and so on.

But to never take young girls seriously is a little bit too far. Diamonds in the rough exist. And every rule has an exception. You just have to be smart enough to recognize them if you see them. Rare as they might be.

And this doesn't just apply to women. Quality people are rare in general.

 

[playa99]

she's hanging out with another dude behind your back... next her!

It's tough cause you've invested time.. I've been there myself, not wanting to leave somone because of the time i've invested, biggest mistake i've made in relationships.

Next her, learn a lesson from it, move on!