need help, girldfriend depressed, treats me poorly

[jophil28]

Why does $hit like this have exist, it seems so unnecesary and it doesnt make any sense.

I guess I'm just different than a lot of people in how I view the world.

AS you found out ACoAs (and BPDs) are not good candidtes for LTRs.
And I will say it again. NEVER get serious with a women who has come from an abusive upbringing. Sad, but true.
There are several obvious reasons and a myriad not so obvious reasons BUT unless she has really worked hard in a committed way to heal the damage of her childhood she will re-create her childhood in her relationship with you, and there is little you can do to "fix" it .

The one who has the most severe pathology will shape the relationship in its style quality and duration.

One of the telltale signs of ACoA behavior is 'hyper vigilance" .
THis is a state of being on high alert . She is scared of everything and everyone to some extent. People are regarded as threatening. She connects to man with mistrust and suspicion and lives on the verge of "flight" most of the time.... High levels of anxiety and apprehension.
THis is an inevitable result of living in a chaotic atmosphere as a child. Turmoil and uoproar were the norm for her. She lived "on edge" every day waiting for the lightning bolt of violence and abuse to strike at any moment.

She lived with the reality that the two people who SHOULD have loved and protected her were the most dangerous people in her world.
THat fear is then tranferred onto YOU in her adult live. She is waiting (perhaps deep dowm ) for you to act like her folks. The tension of waiting can be too great sometimes so she CREATES a trigger to provoke some fake drama and bring on what she fears . That is preferably to waiting.

THis is why her behavior seems so bewildering. Nothing you actually did can be matched with her outbursts or her dramatic reactions or her bizarre behavior. Crazy making stuff for you !

And this is brief glimpse at the rollercaoster that you climb aboard with an ACoA (and a BPD)

 

[darkstarrr]

AS you found out ACoAs (and BPDs) are not good candidtes for LTRs.
And I will say it again. NEVER get serious with a women who has come from an abusive upbringing. Sad, but true.

Thank you very much. I've been on this board all day long as a security blanket.

I realized today the part of it all I am having the most trouble with. I have these sudden waves where I feel like maybe she just left me because she truly didn't want to be with me anymore and that it had nothing to do with ACoa or BPD. Maybe I am just not her type and she just wasnt attracted to me anymore. This is a very confusing and depressing state to be in.

 

[i-shine-regardless]

Not Alone 2

Wow Trajhenkhet01 that really sucks...

Darkstarrr, that sucks for you too. I'm in a relatively similar situation right now...I was lucky in that at I was at least conscious of what I was getting into, and knowing that due to the insanity it never had a chance of working.

To use an analogy, I've been trying to think about this relationship as if it was cigarettes. I used to smoke a pack a day. When I tried to quit it was horrible and it felt like I could never be back to normal. I started thinking about all the reasons why I liked smoking or that now wasn't the right time..."maybe next week I'll quit instead, blah blah"

But the bottom line is I knew I had to quit, that this thing was TOXIC and couldn't be a permanent part of my life. It's gonna suck in the beginning, your body is going through withdrawal. All the little happy chemicals your brain made when you were with her simply aren't there anymore.

But the good news is you will get through it, and I will get through it, and we will come out stronger and better equipped to find true happiness as a result. By getting rid of these toxic bytches, we are creating a vacuum in our lives...That vacuum will eventually be filled, it has to by nature, but this time we have the choice and the necessary knowledge of who fills that void.

I know personally I'm not letting in any more crap. I know I didn't get myself into this overnight, that it was a good solid 8+ months of stupidity on my part. I know that I'm not going to feel better or meet the perfect girl overnight. But I do know things will get better and before long, life will be better and you will be able to see everything for what it is, which is not a big deal in the long run.

Hope this helps...it's amazing how many of us just go through the same shyt...

 

[jophil28]

Thank you very much. I've been on this board all day long as a security blanket.

I realized today the part of it all I am having the most trouble with. I have these sudden waves where I feel like maybe she just left me because she truly didn't want to be with me anymore and that it had nothing to do with ACoa or BPD. Maybe I am just not her type and she just wasnt attracted to me anymore. This is a very confusing and depressing state to be in.

In most "healthy " relationships, the honeymoon phase lasts from about three to eighteen months. It tends to slowly diminish, and then the second phase takes told in which the parties start to see, and perhaps be disturbed by, the "real" person that they fell i love with . IT is all a GRADUAL tradition.
In a relationship an ACoA or BPD woman, this change happens much earlier ( in weeks at most two months) and it is sudden, bewildering and destructive. The shyte seems to come out of nowhere for no good reason. Her pathology has take hold of the direction of the relationship and you are now the male star in the latest remake of her life movie.

However BOTH ACoAs and BPDs are experts in blame shifting. You are blamed by her (sometimes subtly) or FEEL at fault for every tiny glitch real or imagined ( by her).
Do not buy into that.
THis is why you are retreated and beating up on yourself for what you could have done or not done.
THis is HER drama and you were simply naive, trusting and hopeful enough to be scammed by a consummate actress.

 

[jophil28]

Hope this helps...it's amazing how many of us just go through the same shyt...

All CLuster B woman cause similar destruction in theire male partners (except in Cluster B males ). Same disease, same destruction, same wounds, same pain.

 

[puma183]

What was that PUA remedy for a broken heart?

FTOW : Fu%& Ten Other Women...

... and see how you feel about this girl then.

I personally never tried it. But it sounds like it would do the trick

 

[darkstarrr]

i am unwell and i need help. i am having anxiety attacks. i feel like somehow through all this i have turned into the bad guy. i need to find some sort of trick to snapping out of this. i am very sad and very discouraged. what a miserable week.

 

[puma183]

Darkstarr - my ex-wife left me when I had just turned 28. I was wrecked for a while, including having morning anxiety attacks, particularly in the shower.

What helped me recover was focusing on rebuilding old friendships that I had neglected during my marriage and making tons of new ones. I enrolled in mid-week evening dance classes. I would call people and make arrangements to go out 3 nights a week: Thu, Fri, Sat. After being a stay at home couch-potato during my marriage, I was dead set on reinventing my life.

Within 3 months I had built up an incredibly busy social life and was dating women that were of much higher quality and better looks than my ex. The difference was like night and day. Perhaps you can set some goals like that, whatever it may be for you, and focusing on these will make things better.

 

[jophil28]

i am unwell and i need help. i am having anxiety attacks. i feel like somehow through all this i have turned into the bad guy. i need to find some sort of trick to snapping out of this. i am very sad and very discouraged. what a miserable week.

Your heart got you into this but your HEAD has to get you out.
You can stay there feeling all sad and sorry for your self BUT you are not the bad guy here. SHe was.
That feeling of being the "bad guy " can be put another way " I am defective and that is why she did not love me and she treated me so badly"
NO- she treated you badly because she is a wackjob baithch who treats men badly HABITUALLY. Stop making this about YOU for gawd's sake. IT is all about HER you dummy !

YOur intellect needs to work your way back .

 

[Sinistar]

i am unwell and i need help. i am having anxiety attacks. i feel like somehow through all this i have turned into the bad guy. i need to find some sort of trick to snapping out of this. i am very sad and very discouraged. what a miserable week.

this may sound odd, but this forum (and this post specifically) can also be your nemesis. Remember what I said in a earlier reply - you gotta stop yourself from thinking about her. Analyzing her within this post actually counts as thinking about her - that sucks but it's so true. Try to use this post from now on to move forward instead of diagnosing and wondering backwards. Maybe it helps to know she was ACoA or cluster-B but discussing it too much right now will just continue drawing you back into the craziness. Save that diagnosis for later when you are healthy and are thinking more clearly.

Anxiety attacks are rough - but definitely doable I challenge you to have an serious anxiety attach while out walking or jogging or swimming. In other words fight the toxic chemical dumps you are experiencing (anxiety) with healthy body chemical reactions from exercise, good foods, etc.

Please tell us you are not sitting inside all day and night long. Whenever you feel uneasy get outside, get fresh air and keep moving. That also helps the time pass and is more likely to get your mind wandering to other things.

I'm going to make a prediction right now. There will be a day when you come to realize that these events and sensations were needed to truly unplug and see the world clearly with far less expectations and negative beliefs (which never quite felt right).

To get things moving forward, what were or are some of your hobbies and interests? What are some of your lifelong goals?

 

[squirrels]

but as I'm sitting here

There's your problem right there. Get your ass out of the chair, out of the house, and find something to DO.

i am unwell and i need help. i am having anxiety attacks. i feel like somehow through all this i have turned into the bad guy. i need to find some sort of trick to snapping out of this. i am very sad and very discouraged. what a miserable week.

You're not the only one who's gone through this. What makes you different from the rest of us is that you refuse to DO anything about it.

Let me tell you, I fell HARD for a girl about 3 or 4 years ago. I had just made my entrance into the "game" and the getting was GOOD, but I wanted this one. Everything about her was amazing. Beautiful, smart, charming, educated, cultured, ambitious...she was one of those girls that guys talk about, that you can be thinking something and she'll snatch the idea right out of your head. I really though she was my soul-mate.

But I got scared. I got scared of losing the "one perfect opportunity". I went one-itis for her HARD. Started walking on eggshells around her. And like it goes, she kept pulling back little by little, hoping that I "snapped back" to my former swagger. Alas, I never did, and ended up writing one of those long humiliating E-mails that we all read about, something that sounded kind of like "On Bended Knee" by BoyzIIMen. And I never heard from her again.

I was suffering from the ol' one-itis HARD, my friend. Like you, I found myself sitting there, dwelling on the loss of what seemed like my golden opportunity. It got to a point where I literally could not sleep. I tried to fight those feelings, but the harder I fought them, the more they paralyzed me.

Then something happened...I just GAVE UP. I said to myself, "OK. This is the way I feel right now, and there's nothing I can do about it."

Then I got on with my life. I jumped on my motorcycle and rode off to the climbing gym and busted my ass on the rock wall for about an hour, just like I would have anyway. I still felt like sh!t emotionally, but I accepted that. Love hurts sometimes, and one-itis love hurts even more.

And you know what...my life went on.

So the way I see it, you have a choice.

You can sit there in your little chair, staring at the ceiling, wondering why life sucks so much and trying to change the past through sheer force of emotional will, which won't work because the past is out of your reach.

-OR-

You can accept that sometimes life sucks and that you WILL feel tremendously bummed out from time to time, and then you can get up out of your chair and go live your life, emotions be damned.



Stop fighting it. You messed up, you lost a girl, and it sucks. Accept that and move on. The more you fight it, the stronger it becomes, because it's a REALITY and your denial of what IS only makes it try to force its way harder into your existence. That pressure is what's holding you pinned to that chair. You're in the emotional Chinese finger-trap. You can't beat it by pulling your fingers apart. You need to push them together. Accept the defeat. Only then will you learn from it. Only then will you truly be free.

If you still can't get out of your chair, pop in a DVD of "Fight Club" and select the scene where they're making soap in Tyler's kitchen. Watch that...then watch it again.

 

[darkstarrr]

Thank you Jophil, Sinistar, Puma, and Squirrels.

I think what I am going to do is pretend in my mind that she has been hit by a train and gone splat. I believe thinking that will help me to just move on.

 

[Janez]

I am in no position to give advice. Only can share own experience (dealing with BPD).

Anyway. After visiting my psychiatrist she told me there must be reason why I was attracted to my ex in the first place. That there must have been something missing about myself so I let myself get involved with her. Yeah, it was my own insecurity, low self esteem. For a while these things got skyrocketed (when we started dating). But after that, I got burried deep down.

So I started researching my own mind and how I do things and what is wrong with me. I slowly started moving focus from her to myself. I realized a few of my problems, which is long lasting depression, PTSD alike anxiety, etc. And now I am fighting these problems. I want to be happy with or without her.
I want to stop the pain. Pain sometimes is terrifying. I imagine myself doing evil, ugly things. To get some revenge from her. I contact her (self-hoover) to feel a bit better. And yeah, yesterday it worked. It worked so well that today I was actually able to do some things. I am pretty disabled most of the time. And as I told you on our chat, I have everything I could want except properly functioning brain.

It is time to dig myself out of depression, anxiety, whatever. I believe pills will help me restore chemical balance in the brain and then my will power and deep knowledge of all these principles will reward the torment I was suffering.

After high there comes a low. Today I am feeling high. I hope the low won't be that deep and that I dig myself out as soon as possible. I can't give you advice. I can just say I understand you and aknowledge your pain.

 

[i-shine-regardless]

hey man just wondering how you are making out with this situation??

 

[darkstarrr]

hey man just wondering how you are making out with this situation??

hello and thank you for checking in on me. i have been trying my very best to improve and get better. my weight has stabalized and i am eating solid foods again. i am back at work on a flexible schedule and have been going to a therapist 3 times each week.

the worst part of this is when i wake up in the morning; the instant i realize my reality and what has happened. i have never experienced anything so painful.

i will continue to try each day to take steps to improve.

thank you

 

[Janez]

dude, seriously, these women fu*k up your brain. I might be one of the most fu*ked up ppl on this board. Thats why people just say RUN.

 

[darkstarrr]

LMAO... I know i should probably not find your situation funny, but i'm sorry i do. WOW. So you had a relationship go bad, you quit eating, working and now see a therapist 3 times a week! wtf? man the **** up dude!

I read this post and its like it was written by a female..."i wake up in the morning... the instant i realize my reality..." /shakes head in amazement... Dude, seriously?

Thanks Janez, and as far as you Grammar I don't know you so I will spare you the tough guy talk because your ignorance shines as bright as the star I sometimes pray on. First of all I didn't quit working.

I hope you never meet a girl and think shes sweet and innocent, and she is all into you.. but then once you become emotionally involved somehow her fangs come out and suck you in even more. Before you know it she asks for space, and says its not about seeing other people or breaking up. And ha ha that if you hook up with another girl before you guys talk and agree it is OVER that she will slit your neck (mine said make my throat smile). But next thing you know you find out she has been having sex and doing drugs since 13. Her mom used to do coke and her dad is a dying alcoholic. Her dads mom is a crack head. She cheated on her last boyfriend 4 times and told him to his face. And then you find out she is already seeing someone else when she explicitly told you it is not about seeing other people etc. Phew. You see, because now she is someone else's fvck toy, and you realize that is really all she was the whole time in your LTR! You feel used suddenly. You are devastated actually. She was just about to move in with you to your new place. She was going to help you move but she wasn't there. You are in your new place and suddenly things aren't what they used to be my friend. You make about $80k and have a pool table in your place, and all sorts of other $hit you have earned, Rolex, massage chair, luxury car, etc but somehow suddenly none of it FVCKING matters anymoore.

Somehow you though you could marry this chic but now the joke is on you shmuck. You feel disappointed in yourself because how could have been so wrong about someone. Holy $hit!

You realize during the time you mourn most and are on the brink of a nervous breakdown (the first few weeks) that YOU fvcked up, and you begin to blame yourself in what turns into a downward spiral that ends up you blaming yourslf that maybe you are ugly, maybe the new guy is 'better'.

Then all of a sudden Gamer YOU are on this board reaching out for help, and there comes along that one doesn't take the time to read your story before having the nerve to come out and LAUGH at the person as if it is funny.

I really hope you go on living your life out of the 'fast lane' or spoiled or cradled way that nothing ever happens to you that makes you feel like you are experiencing a crisis or PTSD.

 

[darkstarrr]

to the guy who posted on here and it was deleted probably because you didnt post your age! i was able to read what you wrote before it was deleted and i want to thank you for sharing your story. it helps to understand that these things can happen to good people. its terrible that these things have to happen in the world. its a part of life though and i know i have to deal with it and move on. i know my ex is going to still have the baggage she had when i first met her and that she will never truly be happy. so f her. and thank you

 

[darkstarrr]

I hate to say it my man but she is trying to create distance from you to break up with you. I would just tell her good bye and start seeing other women. Women start doing all type of things when they are about to break up with you. You start seeing so many red flags you'll thing you was on planet mars. Your gut feeling is right so listen to it and head for the hills.

BPD HPD or whatever.. this was some of the best input I have received now that I look back on everything. I'm not going to beat myself up about what happened anymore because like some of the others guys have said, I tried my best knowing what I knew. I tried. All I can hope for is to improve next time and take the necesary steps to prevent something like that from happening again.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Darkstarrr, I've learned that dealing with breakups is a learning experience. But the problem is that once a lesson is learned, a newer, more complicated lesson comes along.

I never had a girl decide she didn't want to see me anymore, until the age of 24. Now, by then, I could handle a girl not wanting to talk to me upon meeting, but I didn't know what to do when I was seeing a girl for a month and she stopped seeing me cold turkey. I got sick after that phone call - so much so that I actually threw up blood. I saw a friend the next day and she thought I was dying. But I realized that I didn't even like the girl, it was my ego causing my problems and I had to learn how to better handle these situations.

You have to understand your feelings and why you feel the way you do. And you must also realize it's not the girl, she symbolizes something to you, just think long and hard about what it is. The girl I mentioned above represented how women saw me. I felt I could attract but not measure up in the long run. I needed to get to know myself to build confidence.