need help, girldfriend depressed, treats me poorly

[Colossus]

So now that she goes around and meets new people who she is not close with and doesn't talk about her miserable world, she is able to just joke and goof around with them, and that feels good for her. So now she is telling me that it is over, that I do not bring out the best in her. And that she feels happier around other people who she can joke around and goof off with. Go figure!

A typical irresponsible rationalization from an immature girl. As if it were your job to "bring out the best in her". This is lack of personal accountability at it's finest. Of course she feels better around all these new people--they don't know her!! They don't know her whole story and she can just feed them the bits and pieces that are most condusive to generating positive attention for herself. They probably just tell her what she wants to hear; that she is 'doing all she can' and 'fvck whatever is holding you back, girl!'.

How do these crazies get typically? Are they the type to come back crying once they feel the person has moved on or is seeing someone else? She seems very cold and indifferent lately, and from what I know about her she has shut people hard in the past without any consideration for their feelings. She has a tendency to not look back, too.

As Jophil said earlier in the thread, girls who have alcoholic/abusive parents NEVER make good significant others. I'll take that a step further and say that girls who have major dysfunctional family relationships, whether they be booze-related or not, DO NOT make good girlfriends.

Dude, this relationship you have described reminds me eerily of my longest LTR. I was with a girl a few years younger than me who had a massively dysfunctional family life, mainly with her mother and sisters. She was diagnosed bipolar, on and off various meds, and was eventually committed by her parents to an inpatient psych clinic. Twice.

She exhibited the same behaviors you are describing--coldness, indifference, distrust, projecting, and emotional breakdowns. And I did the same things you have done--accommodating, trying to help her, always there for her. I just didn't get why someone would act this way when I treated her with respect. Then one day my dad pointed out to me that I grew up in a family of love and respect. She did not, and this is how she has learned to function.

The sad part is that you will get sucked into her convoluted, cruel emotional world if you don't eject from this. As you have realized it is not going to get better, and you cannot look back. Dont let it get to the point where it starts to F-up your life.

This is tough for me because I have a natural tendency to internalize things and feel like I am inadequate or that there is somthing wrong with me. In my mind it doesn't make sense that if you are with someone who treats you well and is at least moderately good looking and successful that you won't treat them poorly or just leave them.

It would be nice if there was always that kind of fairness in these situations, but unfortunately there is not. You think this way because you are a normal, well-adjusted adult. Even if you didnt like the girl you would still end it with some civility and courtesy.

It's a very tough situation to be in, but I am very fortunate to have this board as both an outlet and a support system.

Girls like this are tough to recover from. Many of us have been there. I can give you a few pearls that I have learned and will probably help you:

-Start seeing some other women. Getting at least a few healthy, well-adjusted women on your pallette will help you move on easier and see your ex's dysfunction without any sympathetic distortions.

-Not everyone here agrees with this, but I advise you to avoid women who are younger than 24 and older than 30, given your age. There are some threads here about why this is good practice.

-Turn up your hobbies a bit if you have neglected them. These will give you infinitely more pleasure and satisfaction in the long run than any women ever will. Hit the gym, eat healthy, and invest in yourself.

Other than that man it's just time. Keep coming here and posting; find some posters that you really identify with and seek mentoring when you need it.

 

[darkstarrr]

thanks for replying. hearing your stories helps me.

i have started ganji'ing this girl to oblivian and trust i will not crack. she is the one who started stonewalling.. but i'm shutting her out at this point so that i can get over her. i have to admit i would love for her to try to come running and then have me shut her. is she the type though? are BPDs who are cold and indifferent the type to do that when you ignore them?

 

[DJDamage]

-Not everyone here agrees with this, but I advise you to avoid women who are younger than 24 and older than 30, given your age.

I disagree with this.

I am 29 and I get 20-24 year old college girls chasing me and I love it. The 25-30 years old are already on the hunt for a husband and they tire me with their games.

Go for the college chicks who just want to have fun and just bang the hell out of them.

 

[jophil28]

it wouldnt be a problem if she wasnt treating me like $hit.

They treat their men like sh1t because they are running the software in their head from her Mom and Dad's Computer Store.
She knows no other way of relating to you. I am not excusing her, I am giving you an explanation, albeit simplified, of why she does what she does,. Simply put, she is duplicating her parent's relationship style.
I wll say it again - NEVER get in an LTR with a woman who had abusive parents . Forget "being there for her"...forget counseling..stop listening to her cunningly crafted victim statements... just leave, because in some ways, or perhaps many ways, you WILL be abused by her, emotional and psychologically.

I learned the hard way that hoping for a mature relationship with a child/woman from a dysfunctional family is a lesson in futility and a guarantee of turmoil, confusion, disrespect and endless mind games and drama.

 

[darkstarrr]

...

 

[darkstarrr]

I posted part of the following in the thread about how to leave a BPD woman. To close off thread I have one last question. People say that her downplaying our 1 year anniversary was a typical sign of BPD and undermining the relationship. BUT - from my first post in this thread you will see that she had thought about and perhaps planned on breaking up with me for several months. Doesnt it make sense that the downplaying of our relationship was simply a result of how she knew it was going to end and wanted to have no part in this 1 year thing, and NOT someting more deep than that?

Its questions like those that leave my mind in a funk after coming out of something like this.. I appreciate your feedback.

--------------------------
I just got out of a $hit storm of a relationship with a BPD woman who was so cold and indifferent it was actually terrifying at some points. First of all, her father is a beligerent alcoholic whose brother just passed away from alcoholism (kidney/liver failuer) at the tender age of 46. Next, her mother is 10 years older than the pop, and she used to do coke all the time according to the father. Interestingly enough, the father gets very sad from time to time and even cries - BUT THE MOTHER IS COLD, UNCOMFORTING, AND INDIFFERENT TO HIM!

Moving forward the father's mother used to be a crack-head and I believe has either passed away or is about to. Had enough yet people? IT GETS WORSE!

Next, when this girl was 14 she started doing drugs and having sex. She dated a guy 4 years older than her from around 15 until she was 21. Up until age 21 she had sex with a total of 13 or so people. Her previous long relationship ended badly. The guy ended up going to jail at one point and disappeared for a month, which probably only added to her disturbance. I remember her crying to me in the beginning at one point explainging how on their 1 year she made him something and he didnt have anything for her and it made her sad. Funny because on our 1 year a few weeks ago she complety downplayed it being our 1 year - saying we didnt officially start being a couple until about 6 months earlier. That makes me think either she was unfaithful the whole time OR she knew for a fact that she was going to end the relationship and had wanted to do for some time.

My point in regards to this post is this, and please either correct me if I am wrong or elaborate: women who have all sorts of experiences like I described BEFORE THEY EVEN MEET YOU are probably a lot more likely (as time passes) to leave you or stray or whatever you want to call it, and it will have nothing to do with you whatsoever.
--------------------------------

 

[sodbuster]

Never spend your time with a woman talking about her "pitty party" even healthy women. Even though you are being supportive etc. like they say they want. They will emotionally link you with being sad and decide being around you makes them sad EVEN IF THEY BROUGHT IT UP ! get them out of it, or get out of there

 

[darkstarrr]

Never spend your time with a woman talking about her "pitty party" even healthy women. Even though you are being supportive etc. like they say they want. They will emotionally link you with being sad and decide being around you makes them sad EVEN IF THEY BROUGHT IT UP ! get them out of it, or get out of there

This is exactly what her infantile mind did. You people are geniuses with the way you help each other understand the maniacal behavior that we are all at one point or another subjected to.

I learned something very important today that cleared a lot up for me. My ex (it feels a little odd referring to her as that as the wound is still fresh) is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic! All the signs are there. Its so weird because as much as I have been hurting over the last week, and as confused and mad as I have been - deep down I feel really bad for her.

Adult Children of Alcoholics may have these characteristics:

...guess at what normal is.
...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

 

[puma183]

darkstarr - DTB.

Tell her you will see her again when she has cleaned up her act. In the meanwhile start dating other people. Life is too short to spend as some one elses emotional tampon. You don't owe her anything.

 

[darkstarrr]

darkstarr - DTB.

Tell her you will see her again when she has cleaned up her act. In the meanwhile start dating other people. Life is too short to spend as some one elses emotional tampon. You don't owe her anything.

It's over already my friend. She already broke up with me.
This morning I know was the complete end. She told me to never call her again. She hung up on me. Its over I dont expect to hear from her again and obviously it would make no sense to try to contact her.

 

[puma183]

On a positive note was it some English poet who once said, "Better to have banged and lost a-22-year-old, than never to have banged a-22-year-old at all"?

At that age girls are the peak of their attractiveness, and they know it. They are going to want to play-up their market value to its fullest. They are going to want to experience new highs and lows every few weeks. It is definitely Lease territory, as opposed to Buy territory. Take it from a guy who once bought, and had it blow up in his face after many futile struggles to make it work and years later.

Do not try to contact her. She will contact you in 5-6 years time, tail between the legs, expiration-date on the horizon, asking if you two can still hookup for the sake of the old days. She may be a divorcee or a single-mom by then, but that will not be your problem.

 

[darkstarrr]

On a positive note was it some English poet who once said, "Better to have banged and lost a-22-year-old, than never to have banged a-22-year-old at all"?

Unfortunately for her her looks got real worn down towards the end. Like I said she graduated in May and is still looking for a job. She's been depressed and sometimes joked about slitting her wrists. She looks pale now and washed out. She gained weight and is definitely on the decline from earlier in our relationship.

 

[puma183]

Then your Lease Agreement ended just at the right time. You don't want to be the one dealing with the undercarriage rust, the timing belt change, and the clutch repair.

 

[Heretolearn]

lol at analogy

 

[darkstarrr]

Right now I'm stuck in that phase like with the guy from Swingers when he locks himself up in his apartment and just mourns. The last week I have been struggling to eat and take care of myself. I am home sick from work and I've lost weight and have just been super glum..

What's given me the most strength aside from talking to ya'll on this board, is trying to get to the point where I understand that I could have been better looking and just a better person, and that she may have left me anyways.

Its tricky though because I have waves where I think its all balogna and that the bottom line is that she just lost interest in me and is sincerely not atracted to me anymore. I just cant help but question myself. Whenever I relapse like that I feel very bad about myself and inadequate.

Being with an ACoA has been one of the most fvcked up experiences of my entire life. The detachment, the locking of herself into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.. all of it rings true even though I knew she had been thinking about leaving me for over a month. I'm just left so confused and discouraged about life. The mornings are the most difficult. Its scary being with someone so indifferent, cold and detached.

 

[speed dawg]

darkstarr,

Don't sweat it, dude. We've all been right where you are, that's why we're on this site to begin with. Fight through what you're feeling right now. IT WILL GET BETTER, I promise. Just DO NOT CONTACT THE GIRL. Forget about her.

The next step is realizing that, hey, it's not so bad without her.

And stick around this site, it will improve your life - guaranteed. I can attest to it. Even when I thought "what's the point" sort of like what you're feeling. I was in your shoes, right here on this site, 3.5 years ago. You seem to already be grasping the concepts, which is good.

Learn from this. Realize that this chick had her problems. In my experiences, the low-self esteem girls are the ones that fall prey to DJ-principles to the extreme. So ask yourself, what was I doing to turn this girl off?

And later on, you can even use that for motivation to better yourself. And by then you will have forgotten completely about this girl.

 

[squirrels]

Right now I'm stuck in that phase like with the guy from Swingers when he locks himself up in his apartment and just mourns. The last week I have been struggling to eat and take care of myself. I am home sick from work and I've lost weight and have just been super glum..

What's given me the most strength aside from talking to ya'll on this board, is trying to get to the point where I understand that I could have been better looking and just a better person, and that she may have left me anyways.

Its tricky though because I have waves where I think its all balogna and that the bottom line is that she just lost interest in me and is sincerely not atracted to me anymore. I just cant help but question myself. Whenever I relapse like that I feel very bad about myself and inadequate.

Being with an ACoA has been one of the most fvcked up experiences of my entire life. The detachment, the locking of herself into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.. all of it rings true even though I knew she had been thinking about leaving me for over a month. I'm just left so confused and discouraged about life. The mornings are the most difficult. Its scary being with someone so indifferent, cold and detached.

Say that your feelings of despair suddenly disappeared. What kinds of things would you want to be doing? Not all that "self-improvement" Don Juan mumbo-jumbo...what do you do for fun?

 

[Sinistar]

It's over already my friend. She already broke up with me.
This morning I know was the complete end. She told me to never call her again. She hung up on me. Its over I dont expect to hear from her again and obviously it would make no sense to try to contact her.

...so now you are in that no so fun place. Believe it or not millions of other people have been there too and they survived, moved on and found much happier days beyond. This includes the countless fallen to cluster-B's, ACoA's, etc.

Do you know how they made it? Time. Yep, the one thing that has to take place is time. Everyone wants to rush it. All to often we want attraction and desire to turn into relationships - FAST! So it would make perfect sense that we want the grief to end fast also. But they only way grief will end fast is to keep busy so that the time can be perceived to pass more quickly.

How do you keep busy? You make a point of getting outside of your space every day and get fresh air. You make a point of being around others each day and interacting. You make a point of working out and eating the right kinds of foods. Unplug the TV unless it's decent comedy or sports - anything with the least number of hooks back into the matrix (good luck there). Do some reading. Do some projects around the house. Start or resume hobbies you most likely gave up to rescue/save her. Start dating again as soon as you feel ready.

Face the Facts: What are the facts? The way the relationship ended was harsh. She has moved on. She has no emotions for you - total indifference. She will never regain a healthy level of respect, security or attraction for you. You will never get closure. You will never see her again. The days are getting shorter affecting your attitude. The holidays are looming. Your moods and feelings are the direct results of chemical reactions in your body/brain.

The average person out there either fears those facts or thinks they somehow deserve them.

This is your time to re-shape your image, path, etc. Turn into the pain and let yourself feel it rather than hiding from it. It won't be as bad as you think.

Very Important! Do everything you can to completely eliminate her from your past, present and future. Get rid of all the things that remind you of her. Get rid of contact info and what would tempt you to contact her in the future. Then, each time you catch yourself thinking of her, catch yourself and make your mind go somewhere else. This isn't to punish her, it's to get you moving forward with your life. Remember, a decent person who initiates a break up would never come back later to re-establish contact because they know it ultimately causes more pain. So if she doesn't contact you ever again she's actually doing you a favor and a good thing (just for all the wrong reasons).

Do this and you'll be surprised at how fast you can complete the grief process (yes even with a ACoA ex).

What are you going to do?

 

[darkstarrr]

Thanks Sinistar and Squirrels and everyone who has posted on this thread that started months ago, before she left as was predicted to happen.

I am going to continue to do everything I can to feel better and pass the time. I realize time will heal me, but as I'm sitting here I cant help but think to myself why the world has to be like this. Why does $hit like this have exist, it seems so unnecesary and it doesnt make any sense.

I guess I'm just different than a lot of people in how I view the world.

 

[Sinistar]

Excellent positive attitude!

but as I'm sitting here I cant help but think to myself why the world has to be like this. Why does $hit like this have exist, it seems so unnecesary and it doesnt make any sense.

...that's the true power of the $hit - we try to make sense out of it in the first place. That right there starts the destructive spiral.

I honestly believe $hit like this exists (in certain ways and forms) to yank us out of the matrix our first time. It is then totally up to us to either stay outside or go back in where it's warm and cozy where we will just repeat and be hurt again.

Do you want a little tip. The next time you catch yourself trying to make sense of the $hit stop yourself (much like you are going to do regarding your ex). Then ask yourself what would a unplugged MAN do? He smirks at it, brushes it aside and moves forward with his life. Analysis of anything that is not bring you up is just bringing you down too - exhausting the one thing we have the least of - time!