Need help getting out of this FUNK

[TrickyD]

I'm not a big poster on this board but your mentioning about your AW spoke to me. Hopefully I can ask some questions here to get your mind moving in the direction of a solution.

1. Do you think her sudden excuses are by accident?
2. Have you made out with her yet?
3. Did she just get out of a relationship?
4. Do you know anything about her relationship history?

I don't like the politics in these kinds of situations. Her talking sexual then pulling back smells of a power play and you reacting to her (by cutting her off or talking about it) will give her what she wants -- the emotional reaction (aka He really does care about me!). She may just like knowing that you are attracted to her and uses that as validation -- but something tells me that you know all this already!

I'm in a similar situ with a chick in the process of divorcing her husband. We make out but when it comes time to fukk, she pulls back. I thought it over and realized that she was using my sexual interest for validation purposes. Do what I will do the next time -- attach a price to the validation! Make her buy you dinner and drinks while you flirt. That way, if nothing else happens, you get something out of it at least...

Just my two cents

TD

 

[STR8UP]

1. Do you think her sudden excuses are by accident?

I think her interest in me is about the same as my interest in her, so she doesn't put forth any effort to "make it happen", which is fine, up until the point where her flirtation turns into blatant teasing.

2. Have you made out with her yet?

Several times

3. Did she just get out of a relationship?

Not really. She dates here and there but hasn't been in anything serious for a long time.
[

4. Do you know anything about her relationship history?

She doesn't talk much about it, but from what I gather she tends to date older, provider types. And that ain't me!

I don't like the politics in these kinds of situations. Her talking sexual then pulling back smells of a power play and you reacting to her (by cutting her off or talking about it) will give her what she wants -- the emotional reaction (aka He really does care about me!). She may just like knowing that you are attracted to her and uses that as validation -- but something tells me that you know all this already!

That's why i have chosen to just forget about it and let it run its course. Back to status quo. I'm gonna step down the sexual innuendo. She will get the hint.

Do what I will do the next time -- attach a price to the validation! Make her buy you dinner and drinks while you flirt. That way, if nothing else happens, you get something out of it at least...

Actually, I was out with her tonight, and she paid my tab. It was more of an "I'll get ya next time" kind of thing, but she isn't a mooch, I'll give her that.

Speaking of which, I hit up happy hour with her and some of her friends and had a great time. Took my mind off of things.

Later I went out with another group of friends, and on the way home I ran into a chick who I thought had the hots for me awhile back. She was in the mortgage business and was the assistant to the guy I used to use for loans, and every time I would stop by the office I got that "giddy schoolgirl" vibe from her.

Well, I got separated from my friends at the end of the night, and I'm walking over to get some pizza, and I hear a chick screaming my name from across the courtyard.

"OMG!!!! It's been so long! I've been thinking about you! Blah, blah, blah" Kino all over the place, same giddy vibe, deer in headlights look, I thought for SURE she was now single and ready to go.....

So then she drops the "M" bomb on me. She's married. Gives me the impression that it isn't the "best" situation, but she's cool with it. Hubby just happens to be out of town. Hmmmmm....

We go into the pizza place, she wants to say hi to my business partner (who was one of the ones who I got separated from) so I call him and she talks to him on the phone for a minute, and promises to "get me home safely".

Not two minutes later, her body language goes from hot to cool. She starts flirting with this other guy. I was thinking about ejecting and walking home, but it was raining, so I stuck around, even though I wasn't feeling it.

She drove me home, I made a last ditch effort asking her if she wanted to come in for a few minutes to which she replied "I can't". Told her I would ask for her email or something but since she was married and all.....blah, blah.

She didn't offer anything, so i let it go, told her to be safe, gave her a hug and she was on her way.

It really wasn't a big deal, and I don't really need to get involved with a local married chick anyway, but the "hot to cold" thing doesn't do any good when you are trying to pull yourself out of a rut. The night was really good, and seemed to be getting better (I had always had a thing for this chick) and then BAM....she does a 180. It was a bit of a buzz kill.

Oh well. I'm trying. At least I'm getting out and making an effort to better the situation. I know you can't win them all, and even when you think you have something in the bag it's never a sure thing till your d!ck is wet.

Probably for the best anyway. I'm not looking for a quick lay. it would probably do more harm than good.

Gotta keep on keepin' on.....

 

[window]

"I recently cut back on drinking, started eating right, started working out..."

Your answer is here. When you take on life changing behaviours, especially all at once, you will release a lot of old negative energies from your body. The side affects of which can be depression.

Keep going. And you'll get to the other side.

 

[STR8UP]

You know, I really want to quit drinking altogether. It's just tough because it's such a socially "expected" thing, and I have to admit, it's also a social lubricant. I'm not the most extroverted guy out there, and a few drinks does help me get into a better frame of mind socially.

I have also noticed that my eating habits slip when I drink alcohol. So not only am I putting useless calories into my body in the form of alcohol, but I also go for that late night slice of pizza, as I did last night.

I have like a sh!tload of birthday/holiday/party type events coming up, but as soon as I get through this string of social events I'm gonna lay off. It feels good to have a buzz, but it's slowed my progress on my cutting regimen and I know that if I can lose another ten pounds of bodyfat and get started on a bulking cycle I WILL feel much better all the way around. The best I have ever felt in my life, both physically AND mentally was when I got serious about getting fit, started eating a high protein diet and pounding the weights and putting on muscle. the best natural high in the world......

 

[STR8UP]

Easy test.

Go to the gym. Do 8 heavy sets of bench press and 8 heavy sets of squats.

How do you feel?

No doubt.

If I weren't so damned determined to lose some bodyfat before hitting the weights, I think I would be able to get myself through this faster. For some reason the cardio and calorie restriction isn't exactly conducive to a heightened sense of well being. I even wondered whether my diet lately has something to do with my depression.

I'm going to stick to the cutting regimen till the end of the year and try to get down to 175 or less. I've gone from about 190 to 184, so I'm almost halfway there. Then hopefully I can get back to what will really do me some good.

 

[STR8UP]

Not to derail this thread with a discussion of the importance of proper diet and exercise but you have hit the nail on the head several times through your own posts.

It's not derailing at all.

Like I said, I have a feeling that it's a combination of factors that are contributing to my mood.

So basically what you are saying is that I need to add some weight training to the cardio?

I was trying to hold off on a gym membership for awhile. Bought a recumbent bike so I have no excuse not to hit the cardio a few days a week. There is a fitness room at my condo complex which is actually decent, but unfortunately there isn't enough weight and I usually top myself out after a couple of months working out there.

Maybe I just need to take advantage of it since it's there. Anything to get me out of this rut. Hell, If I'm not looking to put on serious muscle at this point I don't really need massive amounts of weight anyway.

Who knows......I'm not exactly FAT, so I might even go straight into bulking once I drop below 180. If I drop the extra few pounds over the next few weeks I'll start hitting the weights.

Thanks for all the input guru

 

[cosmopolit]

@STR8UP

Have you ever thought about meditation or adding a little bit of spirituality to your life?

I can tell from my experience that it changed my whole life when I started digging deeper into these topics about 1 1/2 years ago. I am way more focused regarding my goals in life, my health increased (I mostly eat vegetables and fish these days) and I generally just have the feeling that I am "doing the right things".

I was also surprised to see that a lot of the recommendations from here have been already discovered thousands of years ago. For example already Buddha said "We are what we think" and "Everything we are arises from our thoughts". From what I read you have a lots of thoughts circling in your head stopping you from finding inner peace. Meditation can really help to find your inner peace and constant relaxation. And with meditation, I do not mean "closing your eyes for 15 minutes and breathing into your stomach" - It's an art and process which you have to learn.

 

[Yahooey]

I have like a sh!tload of birthday/holiday/party type events coming up, but as soon as I get through this string of social events I'm gonna lay off. It feels good to have a buzz, but it's slowed my progress on my cutting regimen and I know that if I can lose another ten pounds of bodyfat and get started on a bulking cycle I WILL feel much better all the way around. The best I have ever felt in my life, both physically AND mentally was when I got serious about getting fit, started eating a high protein diet and pounding the weights and putting on muscle. the best natural high in the world......

This is procrastination; avoiding the solution. There are always parties and social events and if you are single, you will be going to them. Start on the solution NOW. You will start feeling better and won't need the alcohol to have fun at the parties.

 

[STR8UP]

This is procrastination; avoiding the solution. There are always parties and social events and if you are single, you will be going to them. Start on the solution NOW. You will start feeling better and won't need the alcohol to have fun at the parties.

You have a good point, but it's my birthday next week, then it's halloween, then a couple of friends are having birthdays. It would be very awkward for me to change things up drastically at this very moment.

Don't worry though....change is coming. I have a strong resolve and WILL make it happen.

 

[BeyondCharm]

You know, I really want to quit drinking altogether. It's just tough because it's such a socially "expected" thing, and I have to admit, it's also a social lubricant. I'm not the most extroverted guy out there, and a few drinks does help me get into a better frame of mind socially.

I tried to find a solution to quit drinking altogether for a number of years (I started to drink at age 12) and continued to go back to it when things were either really good or really bad. The longest break I ever took from alcohol altogether was 7 months since the time I began to drink. I drank for just about any reason, birthdays, business deals gone well, business deals gone bad, good times, bad times, social events, with friends, ball games, you name it... grey times and all the inbetweens. Eventually I realized that alcohol was affecting me in negative ways and was no longer just a fun social lubricant but was actually having detrimental affects on my wellbeing, my goals, my clarity of mind and how my body felt... I've had a number of hangovers and blackouts.

Keep in mind that most of the time I've held a career oriented job, I was working out 3-4 days a week at the minimum lifting heavy in the gym yet when the weekends rolled around i'd drink like a fish... Anyway long story short I went to AA and got sober with the help of the tools and fellowship that came with it. It was actually a huge blessing in disguise because it broke my "perception" of what it was and it gave me the tools to quit drinking completely without regretting it or missing drinking. Now I'm able to be around people drinking, in environments where there is a "social expectation" to drink and I have the tools and understanding that I don't need to find it necessary to drink today and that as long as I don't take that first drink, I won't get drunk. Anyway my goal is not to be a posterboy but to merely share with you something that worked for me.

Good luck and G-d Bless

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You have a good point, but ....

STR8UP's response to internet advice is straight out of Eric Berne's "Games People Play" which describes how people claim they want to get rid of a problem, but there's a secret (to them) reason they hold on to it.

What's yours STR8UP?

I suggest staying off internet forums for a good span (not just laying off) and go through this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-S...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225944194&sr=8-1

But only if you intend to do the exercises in the back, which can also be found here:

http://ftp.vix.com/objectivism/Writing/NathanielBranden/SentenceCompletionPrograms.html