Need Advise

[tomzel]

Alright, I am definitely not a DJ (yet), but I have a situation that I wanted some honest advise from the guys here. I think I know what you guys will say but here it goes. I have been dating this girl for 4 months and things were starting to get pretty serious. About a week ago she started acting really distant and I decided to confront her about it. She had been married before and said that she was feeling backed into a corner, etc. etc. I decided that was enough of a clue to really back off and I have been giving her some room. We briefly talked the other day and she didn't sound ready to quit the relationship and even said that I treated her better than anybody she's ever know. Las night she said she was still overwhelmed by the stuff in her life but that she missed me. I really think I have been too nice to this chick...

 

[joekerr31]

naw, you're playing this just right.

she probably had a marriage where her and her hubby mutually beat up on each other (typical in divorce).

so now she wants to see how you react when she does things you dont like. do you go flip mode nad scream and yell at her etc.

you played it cool. she said she needed space, you said "no problem babe". If you are the prize, and you have to treat all women as though you are the prize, then if she wants space, thats fine with you. she's running the risk that during that space you'll bump into miss right.

but if you get all crazy and demand she behave this way or that, she knows that you see her as the prize, and also knows that you can't control your emotions.

as far as im concerned you are sitting pretty right now. keep your eyes on the other women and wait it out.

J

 

[tomzel]

Thanks joekerr31. How long do you think I should put up with this beofre I say **** it? I've been really patient with this cat.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'll reiterate that you played it well. If a woman says she wants space, demanding to spend more time with her just pushes her away quicker than if you would've given her space. so yep, you handled it well.

It's another sh-t test from women to see how you react and you played it perfectly.

How long would you put up with this? Couple of weeks perhaps, but every relationship is different. I don't know all the dynamics of it. After two or three weeks if she hasn't come around, go date others, in my opinion.

 

[tomzel]

Yeah I was thinking a week or so. We work at the same place and used to chat on IM all the time. During this space period, I haven't talked to her much at all. The only time we've talked is on text messaging and one phone call...I guess if she says that she misses me, that must be good.

 

[tomzel]

Alright, here is an update. She just asked me to bring her stuff and said the time she needs is more than a few days.

 

[Desdinova]

Someone should merge this with the other thread in discussion. Read my reply there.

 

[Slickster]

You're doing great.

Give her space but keep seeing other women. If you don't have any then keep looking.

It'll keep your head on straight and show her that you are indeed a prize.

If she comes back to you great. If not you still have the other women.

Its a win-win situation for you.

G'luck

 

[joekerr31]

tom,

k, this is getting confusing.

If shes IM and talking to you on the phone a lot, but doesnt want to SEE you, you've got a bigger problem going on here.

it means that shes afraid of intimacy.

have you two slept together yet?

personally, if a woman takes a break, i make it a real break. that means no email, IM or phone. if she cant be around me because she needs to think, then she needs to be thinking, no IM'ing me.

assuming no contact, if you haven't heard back after a week, move on. you don't ever have to tell these women that you've moved on. in fact never do that. just move on.

who knows, maybe in a month she calls you and you can decide what you want to do at that point.

don't burn your bridges, just move on (heck, most of the time they don't even know you've moved on). It's great.

J

 

[tomzel]

we've had sex...this was a quite serious relationship. She has asked me to bring her stuff back...including Christmas gifts that she was keeping at my place. She said the space she needs is more than a few days and that her clothes were something she needs day to day. I just really think she is lying and trying to give me the easy letdown.

 

[The Anti Dr Phil]

Give it to her straight with no chaser. And no ice either.

Just say look, "we had had a good run, and I know you need moments of reflection to figure out the many mountains of issues that's been plaguing you, so outta respect for your depressive state, I'll give that to you. If I were walking a mile in your shoes, I might've been asking the same of you. So on that note, "IF" you figure things out and wanna chat give me a call. And if we both happen to be available at the time, we'll see what happens".

But you better let her know in no uncertain tone that space means space - which means total and complete room for clarity because you don't want to take on any of her emotional burdens if you two aren't seeing each other. There will be no communication via text, email, phone, or IM. Let her know that under no circumstances will you be her emotional crutch, nor will you lend a shoulder for her to cry on.

Look her square in the fricken eye, and don't hesitate. You gotta have it in your heart, soul, and gut that you're prepared to walk. Then do it.

And I'd be remissed if I did not say this. I would not be at all suprised if her ex-husband has been whispering seismic sweet nothings in her ear lately because of the new guy invading and seeking claim to his territory. This could be the root cause of the sudden shifts of her emotional fault lines. Don't be suprised if he called her up one day, and to twinge his jealously buttons, she raved about the incredible new guy she was seeing. I know, because I still do that to a couple of my former exes when they try to throw down the "oh I met a great guy" face-card in front of me. Everytime they meet a guy and I feel my power over them slipping away, I'll call or email them relentlously and go to defcon-3 as a show of force. It's a way of subconsciously saying to her and the enemy, "no matter what you do or say, this is still my territory, because my flag is still planted in her soil (I still have her heart)". Sure it's an @sshole move, but that's what guys sometimes do.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Originally posted by The Anti Dr Phil
Give it to her straight with no chaser. And no ice either.

Just say look, "we had had a good run, and I know you need moments of reflection to figure out the many mountains of issues that's been plaguing you, so outta respect for your depressive state, I'll give that to you. If I were walking a mile in your shoes, I might've been asking the same of you. So on that note, "IF" you figure things out and wanna chat give me a call. And if we both happen to be available at the time, we'll see what happens".

But you better let her know in no uncertain tone that space means space - which means total and complete room for clarity because you don't want to take on any of her emotional burdens if you two aren't seeing each other. There will be no communication via text, email, phone, or IM. Let her know that under no circumstances will you be her emotional crutch, nor will you lend a shoulder for her to cry on.

Look her square in the fricken eye, and don't hesitate. You gotta have it in your heart, soul, and gut that you're prepared to walk. Then do it.

And I'd be remissed if I did not say this. I would not be at all suprised if her ex-husband has been whispering seismic sweet nothings in her ear lately because of the new guy invading and seeking claim to his territory. This could be the root cause of the sudden shifts of her emotional fault lines. Don't be suprised if he called her up one day, and to twinge his jealously buttons, she raved about the incredible new guy she was seeing. I know, because I still do that to a couple of my former exes when they try to throw down the "oh I met a great guy" face-card in front of me. Everytime they meet a guy and I feel my power over them slipping away, I'll call or email them relentlously and go to defcon-3 as a show of force. It's a way of subconsciously saying to her and the enemy, "no matter what you do or say, this is still my territory, because my flag is still planted in her soil (I still have her heart)". Sure it's an @sshole move, but that's what guys sometimes do.

This is fvcking priceless . . .


I've adopted this same course of action when ending a relationship/dropping a nutt dumpster.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by The Anti Dr Phil
Just say look, "we had had a good run, and I know you need moments of reflection to figure out the many mountains of issues that's been plaguing you, so outta respect for your depressive state, I'll give that to you. If I were walking a mile in your shoes, I might've been asking the same of you. So on that note, "IF" you figure things out and wanna chat give me a call. And if we both happen to be available at the time, we'll see what happens".

But you better let her know in no uncertain tone that space means space - which means total and complete room for clarity because you don't want to take on any of her emotional burdens if you two aren't seeing each other. There will be no communication via text, email, phone, or IM. Let her know that under no circumstances will you be her emotional crutch, nor will you lend a shoulder for her to cry on.

Hey guys

I just want to comment on this little tidbit by Anti-Dr.Phil. I've been reading a few comments on other threads that deal with this same situation. Particularly Immaculate's thread with the Match.com girl who told him she wasn't interested.

If a chick tells you she isn't interested or shows signs that her interest level is dropping you do not want to be saying stuff like this to her.

Another example from Immaculate's thread....

"I think you're old enough when you realize that there
is no 1 perfect person, have had enough relationships
to know what you REALLY find important in a partner,
and are comfortable enough with each other that you
are the same person with your partner as when you are
alone. Love isnt pretty, there will be times when you
have to be there at each others worst- like during
sickness. After that, you just have to understand that
no one person can fill all the voids in your life, so
you have to be committed to stick with that person
despite their shortcomings and not let it grow into
anger and resentment. Encourage each other to have
other friendships, support one another as you are one
team, remember to make them feel desired and special,
and be willing and able to adapt as they grow and
change. And remember that there are no rules to what
is acceptable and not acceptable in relationships...
make your relationship the way you and your partner
want it, not what the rest of society considers the
norm.

But more than anything else, you have to have to be a
challenge for each other. No one wants someone that
they have wrapped around their finger and no one can
last as a doormat forever. A little give and take that
keeps you both on your toes is the perfect way to keep
you both motivated, committed, and happy.

Lets face it, though, as a society we are always
looking for the next best thing... from jobs, to cars,
cell phones, ring tones, face lotions, and people.
With a seemingly infinite source of new faces and
personalities in our lives and online, its all to easy
to one-up or second guess the person you're with. So
why fight it? Go with the flow and have fun meeting,
learning, growing, and experimenting with different
people until you find someone that trumps it all and
you just know- because there is no rational way to
analyze love or to justify it to others... you just
know because, well, you know. "

This stuff is WEAK guys! It just demonstrates to her that SHE is the one with the power.

She'll sit there and listen to all the crap you have to say after she's pulled the pin on your relationship and then when you DO walk away she'll think, "Whew I'm glad that's over and he's gone."

You've wasted your time and only cemented the idea in her mind that she's made the right decision about leaving you.

If she's telling or showing you signs that she isn't interested then you have to sucker punch her with the comment she is least expecting.

It might be the toughest thing you've ever had to do especially if you have strong feelings for her.

Simply agree with her whole-heartedly, smile, and then walk.

Leave her wondering, "Oh my god! Did I just make a big mistake."

If her Interest level has dropped to that point its already too late. Keep the power, maintain your dignity and disappear from her life.

Occasionally she WILL come back but don't waste another minute worrying about it.

Sorry Phil and Immaculate, I didn't want to make an example out of your posts but I've been down that road plenty and have never found a woman who responded positively to the post break up BS that so many guys feel they need to say.

Peace

 

[tomzel]

Hey fellas! Well the crowd that said "She's done - move on" wins this debate. We had the lets just be friends BS talk. She actually said that I was too nice to her...go figure. I think I killed the challenge. She prefered the times when we were just sex buddies with no strings. Oh well, this is no time to pine, time to drink some brews and watch Scarface. Thanks for the advice fellas.

 

[joekerr31]

well you still played it right dude.

and you're handling it maturely.

that makes you da man!

you can't control whatever path she is heading down, and maybe its a good thing that you aren't around for that ride.

you don't seem like an AFC. so perhaps her definitino of "too nice" means that she's at a point in her life where she wants to be treated like sh*t by some prick.

and you're using the tried and tested method for overcoming some chic... a few brews and scarface, perfect combo.

it's refreshing to see someone post his situation, things not work out the way he wants, and he just moves on from it.

J

 

[The Anti Dr Phil]

Slickster...with all due respect, I think you need to take your time and read my post again, and look at the order at how all of this played out before you call what I wrote "weak". That approach was packed with a ton of TNT. Why? Because they did not have "the talk" yet. She merely said she liked him a ton, but she needed space to figure things out. Now, we all know what that means (low interest level), and you will have known "the talk" would be but days away so, what do you do? You go on the offensive. You hit her with a preemptive strike. THAT, is what my post was all about. Look at this thread chronologically. How can he bob his head in agreement, when there was really nothing to "agree" about yet - at least not at the point where I made my post. As I said, although he knew it was coming, they did not have "the talk" yet.

And in no shape or form was I telling him to "go back" or have post break-up BS dialouge. Besides, you can't have post break-up conversation if you haven't broken up yet, no? I was just telling him to have an a matter of fact, "it what it is", preemptive strike style conversation. Hit her before she hits you, and blindside her with it. And afterwards, cut off all contact afterwards (IM, emails, test, etc). The beauty of that approach is he will have beaten her to the sucker-punch. He went on the offensive. Intead of lying in defense mode behind enemy lines, he would've taken the fight directly to her by going on the attack. That is called power.

All that being said, sometimes breaking things off does require some semblence of dialogue. The guy was not an AFC in the slightest - and he handled the situation his way.

Dialogue, presentation, body language, and tone can have a powerful effect, if you know you know when, where, and how to strike. I've been in this game a loooooooooooong time bro, and not to be arrogrant about it, but I can do it as good as any, and better than most.

 

[tomzel]

Dr Phil - I think your comments would have actually been a good way to handle things. I don't think it is weak...it is being a man about things and not sticking around for the last ounce of "holly sh*t will this guy take a hint". Either way you go the "give me some space" crap is usually a bad thing. I gave her enough space to ramp up my efforts for other prospects. I mean it is tough and I really liked her, but damn if someone wants to go, let them go.

 

[The Anti Dr Phil]

Tom: Either way, you came out on top, because you handled it in a mature way. You "might" have been somewhat too nice, but who's to know for sure. Perhaps you just went with teh natural flow of the relationship. Sometimes sh!t just happens beyond your control. But as I said, your way was fine. When she asked for space, you gave it to her. When "the talk" came, you listened, and moved on. Kudos

 

[speedo_meme]

NOOOOOOOO!!!!

D*MN TOM I WISH I HAD GOTTEN TO YOU SOONER. I AM A MASTER OF THIS SITUATION, HAVING BEEN DUMPED A FEW TIMES. AT THE FIRST HINT OF HER BEING DISTANT, YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER ALL THE SPACE SHE WANTED. NO CONTACT UNLESS SHE CONTACTS YOU. THERE IS NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING, THAT YOU CAN "SAY" TO CONVINCE HER TO STAY WITH YOU IF SHE IS WANTING SPACE. YOU LOST THE POWER AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT BACK WAS TO PULL AWAY AND LET IT REKINDLE. BY TALKING TO HER AND IMMING HER YOU KILLED IT. LUCKY FOR YOU, AT LEAST SHE GAVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT AT THE END. THIS IS A VERY TYPICAL SITUATION THAT HAPPENS D*MN NEAR EVERYDAY, SO BE PREPARED FOR IT NEXT TIME, BETTER YET NEVER LOSE THE POWER AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT...

 

[speedo_meme]

BY THE WAY, THAT CRAP POSTED BY ANTI DR. PHIL WILL GET YOU DUMPED 95% OF THE TIME. AND YOU MIGHT ASK, IF SHE'S GOING TO DUMP ME EVENTUALLY, WHY NOT GET IT OVER WITH SOONER? BECAUSE, SIMPLY, I LIKE HAVING MANY OPTIONS, AND IT SURE MAKES YOUR STOCK GO UP WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX....