Need advice on what to do about my BPD X-GF...

[shaggy84]

EDIT: She's not BDP...she's BI Polar...sorry I didn't really realize the lingo on this forum


Ok, this might be a bit long but I need to explain this for you guys to understand.

I started seeing a woman about 2 months ago....she is my friends X-gf. They broke up early last year so it's been a while. I asked her out in January and I subsequently told her x-bf (who was also my friend) that I was seeing her. He expressed his discontent and said I was "crazy". He didn't elaborate why I was crazy and this left me confused for a long time.

So we were on our way...things were going pretty good. She told me a LOT of **** from the getgo...a lot of her personal trauma over the years and how she's bi-polar, suicide attempt, psychiatric ward, etc. I felt for her..honestly. She told me a little bit about her past and how she was promiscuous but I didn't want to know too much. Week rolls by and she drops the L bomb (I LOVE YOU!). Week later rolls by and she tells me a bit more about her past and that she got HPV last year and got cervical cancer and how she had to have surgery. I was like ooook.

Then a week later rolls by and she's bringing up her past again and she kept alluding to the "infamous number", the number of guys she's been with. She didn't say and I didn't ask. I called her up that night and asked why she kept bringing it up and she said she needed to tell me. 26!! was the #. I was upset but I got over it. I told her to get tested ASAP and she did. We moved on.

However, the last couple weeks have changed dramatically. She's been going out, drinking, getting drunk at the bars, staying out till 3am WITHOUT ME!. SO I talked to her about this last Tuesday and I expressed my discontent and told her I wasn't cool w/ how she was acting and how I felt like she wasn't committed to the relationship. Well, then she said she's "confused" and that she didn't know what to do and that she needed time to think. This was retarded but I tried to wait. Next day we get back together and the apologizes. The next day (thursday) she comes to visit me in Chicago over spring break....we had an AWESOME DAY!!! We went to the art institute and saw this one painting where there was a ship in the sea and it looked like either the storm was leaving or coming...and I looked at her and said "the storm is leaving" and she agreed. Little did I know the storm was just about to come!!!!

We then had a 4 hour discussion and she apologized many times for telling me that she was confused about the relationship and she affirmed her commitment and told me she would change! All good! right? no

She goes back home on the train (4 hour ride). When she was leaving to get on the train she kept looking back at me as if she didn't want to leave. That night when she arrived in her city she said she was going to her friends house (a chick's house)...and it was all good.

HERE'S THE ****ED UP PART!!! I chill with her last saturday and we go out to eat and everything seems fine! We get back to her place and I tell her I just want to chill and not do anything...I told her to look at me and she wouldn't look at me in the eyes...I tried fooling around with her and she wouldn't let me!!! I was like WTF! So then she falls asleep early and I go to the family room to watch some TV. Her phone was on the coffee table so I decided to look at it. One of her texts was sent to her mom at 2:45AM the night she got back home after visiting me in Chicago. The text read "I'm at Jon's, I'll be home in a couple hours"...I'm thinking that slut! So I go wake her up and confront her about it. I'm like you were at your friend Emerson's that night, right? And she said yeah. HA! LIAR! I was like what about Jon? And she stayed quiet for a couple minutes and I grabbed her face and made her look at me and she spilled it. She cheated on me!!! I said "once a slut, always a slut" and left.

She called me 20 billion times, texted me, threatened to kill herself if I didn't talk to her, etc. I finally gave in b/c I truly thought she would kill herself seeing as she's bipolar, etc. She initially blamed it on her getting drunk and recently she blamed it on her being "manic".

She is truly sorry and regrets what she did. She sent me a 2page letter telling me how sorry she is and I know she's sincere in her regret....but how can I ever trust her? What would stop this woman from doing this again? If she lied and cheated once why not again? She seems like a pathological liar and a master of deception.

I say that because she moved things VERY fast..was talking about marriage very early on...within the first couple months! She was looking up engagement rings, etc. It was crazy but I was ok with it b/c I really cared for her. She's very interesting and not boring. But I can't deal w/ cheating! I haven't really talked to her and have pretty much told her she doesn't deserve me.

But what do I do? She obviously regrets what she did. Is there any way to fix things? Any way to tame her? I KNOW I should run but something is holding me back...I need HELP!

Let me know

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Dude, forget how special you think she is, how you think you can save her from herself, how crazy she was in bed, etc. RUN AWAY NOW! I was in an LTR with a bi polar girl, dated two years lived together one year, and let me tell you, when you look back at this you will cringe at what you put yourself through. Dodge the bullet now!

I know exactly what you've gone through, and everything you will go through if you stay with her. They say being with crazy people makes you feel like you are crazy...you don't want to have to learn this for yourself, just get rid of her now.

BP girl will build you up and make you feel like Genghis Kahn, all the while she is twisting your mind and warping your perceptions, that is the trap they set for you. They move crazy fast so as to make you as co-dependent on them as they are on you (this week). They are disfunctional, disloyal, disturbed people who are not worthy of emotional investment. You cannot fix her, you can only stick around and drive yourself nuts to her rhythms. Seriously. These people will ruin your life if you let them in it!

Look, you've only been dating two months and you have two years worth of drama with her! I know what two years with one of these is like, NEVER AGAIN. Thank God I was in my early 20's and, even at my lowest point, was never stupid enough to marry her.

At the two month mark most people are still just having a blast and getting to know each other and she is competing with other females for your attention...end this destructive false relationship now!

 

[darkstarrr]

She goes back home on the train (4 hour ride). When she was leaving to get on the train she kept looking back at me as if she didn't want to leave. That night when she arrived in her city she said she was going to her friends house (a chick's house)...and it was all good.
.
.
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She called me 20 billion times, texted me, threatened to kill herself if I didn't talk to her, etc. I finally gave in b/c I truly thought she would kill herself seeing as she's bipolar, etc. She initially blamed it on her getting drunk and recently she blamed it on her being "manic".

I say that because she moved things VERY fast..was talking about marriage very early on...within the first couple months! She was looking up engagement rings, etc. It was crazy but I was ok with it b/c I really cared for her. She's very interesting and not boring. But I can't deal w/ cheating! I haven't really talked to her and have pretty much told her she doesn't deserve me.

But what do I do? She obviously regrets what she did. Is there any way to fix things? Any way to tame her? I KNOW I should run but something is holding me back...I need HELP!

Let me know

Aaahm... you are playing with fire. I promise you there is no way to tame this chic. Understand that she is wired differently than the rest of us. You seem you have a decent head on your shoulders considering what you are experiencing with this quack.

This chic is a lot more than bipolar and borderline. Like in the movie Army of Darkness "It's a trap! Get an axe...." Its a trap in that the way they latch on to you as I quoted you above, is so powerful because when she flip flops it becomes an unhealthy attachment like a drug addiction for you. The give/take away and latch-on/push away thing.

Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. PLease understand that there is nothing you are going to be able to do to change her. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, its not going to have any long term or lasting effects. I know this because I have been been in your shoes before.

The fact that you are considering "doing something" to tame her is part of the trap. Its basic psychology that if you want to help someone along in falling in love with you or whatever you want to call it, is to find ways to have them do things for you - when they "try" it triggers something in people's brains subconsciously, as if they must be in love with you, you must be important to them, etc.

Now flip the coin over. If you start taking steps down that dark path you are fucking yourself into becomming even more emotionally attached to a person who will undoubtedly be dangerous for your health.

This information is all you need in order to decide what to do next - which is to secretly start talking to/meeting other girls and find another girl to branch swing to in order to lessen the blow to your own mind from the seperation.

Be very careful. You have come here for advice the same as I did. Now act on it before you find your world upsidefuckingdown - like I did.

Good luck.

 

[Cableguy]

I, too had a chick who was bi-polar. She told me she had it when I first met her but I was too young to care and honestly had no clue how it would affect her. I figured since she was on meds it'd be fine. Problem was she was adamant she didn't need the drugs all the time. If we had a fight, she would threaten suicide. When I ended it she was super cool and very understanding.

Two days later she calls me in the middle of the afternoon telling me to call 911 because she's slit her throat. She had tried to cut her jugular and missed but had lost enough blood to cause her to lose consciousnous. When she awoke she was scared and called me. She went into great detail about how as she lay there thinking she was dying, all she could think about was me. She said a lot of things that I honestly don't want to even share.

I'm sorry to ramble. I wanted to illustrate to the OP what these people are capable of. The hell that they ENJOY putting you through. Incredible highs and sadistic lows.

Seriously bro, cut off any and all contact with this girl. Change your number if you have to . Whatever it takes. That is..unless you like suicide calls every other night at 3 am. Let the next poor soul be her Captain Sav-A-Hoe

 

[shaggy84]

ok a couple more things that I might not have mentioned:

1) She hasn't been taking her medicine...she thought maybe she could be off of it but it's obvious she can't. We talked and she said she is going to resume taking her meds.
2) She said that she is going to make lifestyle changes (ie: stop drinking, going to bars, etc.)
3) She is VERY sorry and regretful of her actions

I'm 24 btw...and she's 21.

I just talked to her JUST TO TALK! I told her that I just wanted to think about things for now. On the one hand I believe her and on the other hand it's so hard to trust someone who just ****ed you over.

Am I being naive by even talking to her? What's funny is that I told her that if she ever cheated that it would be over, without a flinch, but it seems like it's different when you care about someone so much.

I'm trying my absolute best here to be as rational as possible. What if it was just her not taking her medication? Should I just give her another chance? I feel soooo confused right now.

 

[The Logical Player]

dude these BPD freaks are not real people, what kind of idiot are you to even consider caring about one of these peices of crap?

 

[Rhoto]

Am I being naive by even talking to her?

Yes.

I'm trying my absolute best here to be as rational as possible. What if it was just her not taking her medication? Should I just give her another chance? I feel soooo confused right now.

Women aren't rational/logical/judicial. They get high on their emotions.

This chick is Bipolar. Off the meds.

My question to you is - what meds are you on for staying around? Or do you enjoy the emotional roller coaster too?

 

[shaggy84]

so in everyone's opinion there is no hope of a successful relationship with a woman who is bi-polar? It seems that there must be people out there who can work things out? no?

I'm NOT with her at the moment...I simply talked to her.

It's the betrayal that gets me. It feels like I got stabbed in the back repeatedly, not just once. And then the issue that I would have is trust....I mean, the only way I could really trust her is to chain her up, right?

I'm a fool

 

[KontrollerX]

"Am I being naive by even talking to her?"

Yes you are and regardless of what she told you or even what her doctor told her she sounds like a Borderline Personality Disordered person. Thats not to say she doesn't have bipolar as well but what I am saying is it sounds like the borderline part of her was missed in the diagnosis.

And its borderline personality disorder that is abbreviated BPD.

Bipolar disorder has no such abbreviation.

Anyway borderlines are pathological liars to the core completely devoted to callous emotional manipulation of caring human beings be they friends or lovers in order to avoid being alone.

BPD is a disorder of intimacy basically in that relationships only make their pathology much more severe. In other words you cannot love them so much that they'll one day become well. Rather loving them makes them hate you and fear that you will abandon them like their parents, a parent or a loved one of some sort did when they were a baby or small child which created the disorder in them in the first place and ruined their mind in the process.

There is nothing real inside of them as they lack a true personality so to compensate they leech off of your own personality and throw your best qualities back at you which in turn at first makes you think you've found the perfect person for you.

This process for this reason is called mirroring.

The light you think you see and love is merely reflected and it all belongs to you.

All the girl consists of inside is darkness.

Anything she tells you is either a lie or a convincing sounding string of half truths to get you to believe lies or she may tell you the truth once or twice or even three times in order to get you to believe 300 lies. Thats the way their manipulation works. Its all very slimey and twisted.

Her true self and personality is buried so thoroughly not even the best mental health professional can repair it and make her real.

Rather the professionals only focus on helping borderlines best deal with the disorder's negative affects.

Also they are commonly misdiagnosed or they are only diagnosed as one thing while leaving the borderline diagnosis out because the mental health professional in question was not up to speed on the Cluster B disorders enough to catch it and identify it for what it is.

I have two aunts with strong bipolar disorder and they are upstanding responsible people both in public and behind closed doors as their family relationships make their integrity unmistakably clear.

Bipolar disorder is simply a different kind of depression that has periods where a person experiences high highs and low lows and in severe cases it can lead to manic episodes and suicidal tendencies but it pretty much never comes along with pathological lying and all the other wild behaviors of the Cluster B personality disordered unless Cluster B of some sort is also present in that person which for a lot of Bipolars can be the case as Cluster B and many mental illnesses rarely come alone meaning a person with one mental health problem typically has two or more either the same or varying when it comes to severity.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

so in everyone's opinion there is no hope of a successful relationship with a woman who is bi-polar? It seems that there must be people out there who can work things out? no?

I'm NOT with her at the moment...I simply talked to her.

It's the betrayal that gets me. It feels like I got stabbed in the back repeatedly, not just once. And then the issue that I would have is trust....I mean, the only way I could really trust her is to chain her up, right?

I'm a fool

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet, but WHAT ABOUT YOU!!! WTF are you doing considering staying with a girl who cheats on you?? Forget about her for a second, your disrespecting yourself by staying with a girl who has no filter, no rationale, no concious for what she says or does.

Being with a mentally unstable girl is like playing Russian Roulette. You might win a few rounds in the beginning, but you'll ALWAYS end up paying for it in the end.

I know you care about her, but these girls are only good for fuvking NOTHING ELSE!! Some would even argue that they're not even worth that!

Bottom line, you'll NEVER be able to trust her again due to her deceit. Remember a liar is always a cheater and a cheater ALWAYS lies! The fact that she's bi-polar and needs meds should be HUGE red flags for you. You can't have a healthy normal relationship with a girl who doesn't even know who she is....


Get out now and never turn back, unless you want to ruin your life.




PIMP

 

[K.Pez]

i have met people and later find out that they suffer from bi-polar disease and would have never known, so there are some who can function normally with it. this girl, it seems, is not one of them - especially if she went off her meds. that is not a smart move on her part. from what you wrote, she can barely take care of herself and make good decision about her health and lifestyle, how is she going to be able to take part in a healthy and fulfilling relationship?

what is the main reason why you should break up with her? because she cheated on you and is not worth your time. her cheating makes it obvious that she doesn't respect you - no matter what she says or how genuinely sorry she feels. if she did care about you, she wouldn't have even put herself in the position where the opportunity to cheat was available in the first place. Remember: actions > words. do you want to work things out with her, when, after two months of being with her, she has already cheated on you? add that to the fact that she threatened to kill herself if you didn't talk to her and realize that if you try to work things out, if something like this happens again it will be much, much worse.

how will you ever be able to trust her? you won't. she violated the trust you gave her, what makes her so deserving to have your trust a second time? i don't understand why you would want to put yourself in a power losing situation. if you get back with her, she will know exactly what to threaten to do to keep you doing what she wants. that isn't a good life for you, so don't settle for it!

if this is the irresponsible behavior she is exhibiting early on in your relationship, think about how bad it is going to be later on if, for some unimaginable reason, you stayed? get out before the relationship gets worse and save your sanity.

you gotta do what is best for you. no one else is going to look out for you but yourself. you should not be responsible for "taming" her. it isn't your job to make sure she makes good decisions and doesn't fvck up her life. you have to realize that breaking it off is going to be the best decision you can make in this situation. if she keeps contacting you, let her know that she needs to get her sh!t together before you would consider getting coffee with her, let alone date her again. then cut off contact with her and do your best to move on. treat her like the cheater she is. being bi-polar is not an excuse to act destructively, violate trust, and hurt other people you are suppose to care about, so it should not be used as one.

if it's hard to let her go, think about all the BAD SH!T she has already put you through after dating for just two months!

 

[shaggy84]

last 3 posts put things in perspective for me! I made an appointment earlier today to speak to a counselor just to maybe help me make sense of the situation. I appreciate everyone's advice...I will certainly try my best to make the best decision possible. I will keep everyone updated!

 

[strong like bull]

listen, these words come from the bottom of my heart. it might sound crass or tough love but i mean what i say, sincerely. and i only say it 'cause ive been there and wouldnt wish it on any good natured guy.

this chick is BROKEN. she is DAMAGED GOODS. nothing you can say or do will fix her. a prime example is her need to go out to bars/clubs and get drunk and/or attention from other dudes. that behavior will not change, no matter how good your intentions.

think she wont cheat on you again?

think she wont lie to you again?

if you stick with her, i promise you that youre going to find out the hard way why every guy here whos been around the block a few times, is telling you to RUN AWAY!

listen to your gut instincts that are telling you shes crazy. stick with her and youll be crazy too. and probably get STDs from the guys she ****s behind your back.

broken girls cannot be loved. they cant feel it or give it properly. heck, with most of these types of girls the more you genuinely show affection and love, the more itll actually push them AWAY. why? because in their damaged minds they are seeking bad/troubled relationships.

dont ask questions, dont try to fix her. just get the hell out of there! spend more time with her, and god help you if you try to separate yourself from her. that crazy outburst with 80 phonecalls and novels about how much she loves you will look like a saturday morning kids cartoon show compared to what she pulls next.

RUUUNN!!!

-slb

 

[magickarl]

I don't even need a whole paragraph for this one. Change your number. Don't talk to her ever again. Not as friends, not as anything. If you do have to talk to her be polite, and brief. Believe you me, you will take this advice, or someone is going to end up with a domestic battery down the road.

If there is one thing I know, it's baseball.
If there are two things I know, it's baseball --- and crazy *****es.

Toodles.

 

[horaholic]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155686&highlight=cluster

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155800&highlight=cluster

I dont know if you've read those yet. Consider yourself VERY lucky that you caught this as early as two months into it. These chicks can cause PERMANENT damage to you. cut all contact with this chick, or she will find a way to manipulate you back into her life. I've heard it all, form "im starting therapy next week, cuz you deserve so much better from me." "Im quitting drinking and going to AA." "blah blah, lie, blah blah." They tell you what you want to hear, but it's all lies. You must blot out that small glimmer of hope that she can be a functional girl if you're patient, and understanding. They put you under a spell. Break it now, or your life will be shattered beyond repair.

Good Luck.

 

[Captain]

I haven't read this thread, in fact, I only read the first post.

Don't treat bipolar girls as any different to a normal girl. You're not in a relationship to show sympathy, or out of some obligation to take her of her, you're in a relationship for your own enjoyment. This girl is crazy. Leave her before she starts to bring you down with her.

If any other girls did what she did, you'd ditch them. This girl isn't special. You have no obligations for her. It's her problem. Leave her.

 

[Barefoot Boy]

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, DSM-IV-TR (2000) defines a personality disorder as:

"An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations the individuals culture (and is manifested in two or more of his or her areas of mental life: cognition, affectivity, interpersonal functioning, or impulse control.":moon: :nono:

Such a pattern is rigid, long-term (stable), and recurrent. It manifests itself in all areas of life (it is pervasive). It is not owing to substance-abuse or a medical condition (such as head trauma). It renders the subject dysfunctional "in social , occupational, or other important areas" and this impairment causes distress.

In the DSM, there are 10 distinct personality disorders (Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-compulsive) and one catchall category, Personality Disorders NOS (Not Otherwise Specified).

Personality disorders with marked similarities are grouped into clusters.

Cluster A (the Odd or Eccentric Cluster) includes the Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal Personality Disorders.

Cluster B (the Dramatic, Emotional, or Erratic Cluster) is comprised of the Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic Personality Disorders.


First, an overview of Cluster B:

Borderline Personality Disorder is marked by instability. The patient is a roller-coaster of emotions (this is called emotional lability). She (most Borderlines are women) fails to maintain stable relationships and dramatically attaches to, clings, and violently detaches from a seemingly inexhaustible stream of lovers, spouses, intimate partners, and friends. :crazy: Self-image is volatile, one's sense of self-worth is fluctuating and precarious, affect is unpredictable and inappropriate, and impulse control is impaired (the patient's threshold of frustration is low).

The Antisocial Personality Disorder involves contemptuous disregard for others. The psychopath ignores or actively violates other people's rights, choices, wishes, preferences, and emotions.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is founded on a sense of fantastic grandiosity, brilliance, perfection, and power (omnipotence). The narcissist lacks empathy, is exploitative, and compulsively seeks narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, being feared, etc.) to buttress his False Self - a confabulated "person" aimed at inspiring awe and extracting compliance and subservience from others.

 

[Barefoot Boy]

<<I believe that if two people truly cared for each other not only did they desire the other's sexual satisfaction, they also wished to strengthen and reinforce the other's sexual self-esteem, the other's sense of self as woman or man. >>
-Nathaniel Branden, lover to Ayn Rand

Does she treat you with kindness or insults? Look in the mirror the answer is in you.

Is she unable to maintain stable relationships and dramatically attaches to, clings, and violently detaches from a seemingly inexhaustible stream of lovers, spouses, intimate partners, and friends?

 

[countermart]

RUN and don't look back

Listen mate, from someone who has been there with a BPD girl, I can only echo what the other guys are saying. Get the hell away from her right now, she will destroy your life. She will shatter everything you have including your faith in yourself. If the choice is her, or nothing choose nothing! She will pull you in and smash you, pull you in again, and then smash you gain, over and over. They are highly manipulative.

I understand how you feel, because part of them is everything you ever wanted in a girl, but it is an illusion, because the other part of her is believe me, dark evil. You cannot fix her. Do not try.

Listen to those with experience. You are lucky because you picked it up early....now RUN and never, ever look back.

Countermart

 

[BlackJackal]

Break up with this woman. Now. Just do it. I'm telling you.