Need advice from a DJ with inner game.

[darksprezzatura]

Long story short.

2-month fling with HB7.
Successful insertion of d!ck.
Encountered low interest (flakiness)
Stayed low contact to observe from afar.
Saw some red flags
Lack of sexual options kept me from hard nexting for 2 more weeks before I dropped her just now.

Solution:

Deleted her number
Cut my losses early without any scars.
Working out hard daily
Reading lots of articles on self improvement
Studying hard to crack a top B-school
Found my purpose, everything is looking up.

Dilemma and insight:

I believe that I'm the prize.

This belief is congruent with my behaviour, body language and actions.

A stranger's opinion about me doesn't affect me or shake my frame.

Yet I noticed when I invest myself in a woman, by spending time, by communicating, by investing my own emotions in her, her opinion of me starts to make some difference.

If a girl's interest levels drop after I invested in her emotionally, it does shake my self perception and frame.

IMO, this is due to the law of emotional investment.

If person A invests in person B, person A becomes more attached to person B.

To protect your heart, you have to remain emotionally distant from a woman whilst simulataneosly making her want to invest herself in you.

This leads me to the one question that I believe would solve the problem many guys face over oneitis, obsession, chasing, pedestalising a woman etc.

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

 

[RangerMIke]

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

There is only one way I know of... never lock onto one chick. If I find myself in a situation where I only have one women... I work hard at getting another. It is better to NOT have any chicks at all then to have only one.

It has something to do with having a scarcity mindset... because the fewer chicks you have the more you think about the ones you have... if you only have one... she is the only one you are thinking about. The best way to keep yourself from falling for a chick is to NOT think about her.

 

[Serenity]

To protect your heart, you have to remain emotionally distant from a woman whilst simulataneosly making her want to invest herself in you.

Protecting your heart.... They want your heart, if you become emotionally distant then so will they. You can't make her invest in you if you don't invest anything in her, unless she's a fool though. I don't hide away my heart, because only by exposing it can I truly determine who's good for me and who's not. You're still trying to suppress, I have told you before that isn't going to work. It's just a little pain once in a while, embrace it, you'll get used to it.

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

Stop seeing her, but don't expect she'll want to continue seeing you. ANY interaction with a woman is an investment of time and effort, to not invest is to not be with a woman. You see how you can't have a woman and do nothing right?

It's always a risk, but exposing your feelings won't kill you, suppressing them will. If you want anything to do with inner game you must have the balls to put your heart out there.

 

[sazc]

If a girl's interest levels drop after I invested in her emotionally, it does shake my self perception and frame.

If it helps, a lot of time, when a person starts distancing themselves after the emotional investment starts, it is because that person fears vulnerability. It has nothing t do with you, and there is nothing you can do to change it. It's about that person, not you.

There's always a moment in time, or maybe a few moments, when we have to make a decision to trust the other person and allow ourselves to open up in the relationship. Sometimes people choose to cling to fear and pull back. They can do this both consciously and subconsciously - I feel like the majority of the time it is done subconsciously.

In general, moving forward, if this seems to be the pattern with you, then know and own that knowledge. If you decide to invest, know full well/expect full well that she may decide to pull away. That way you wont be surprised when it happens. That and invest slower. This goes along with the idea that you should be somewhat aloof in general. Make her pursue you emotionally. Maybe make it a rule to wait until she asks, before you tell her sensitive info.

Just some thoughts

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

For all the red-pill bravado, it sounds like you actually desired a high-interest ongoing affair [dare I say a relationship] with this woman.

It may be that going for the quick sex may serve to sabotage the stability of ongoing high interest... for the obvious psychological reasons. But then if that is how things are to be done these days......

I despair at times that the future of relations between the sexes will consist solely of mutual masturbation. Tinder is our soma.

 

[marmel75]

Long story short.

2-month fling with HB7.
Successful insertion of d!ck.
Encountered low interest (flakiness)
Stayed low contact to observe from afar.
Saw some red flags
Lack of sexual options kept me from hard nexting for 2 more weeks before I dropped her just now.

Solution:

Deleted her number
Cut my losses early without any scars.
Working out hard daily
Reading lots of articles on self improvement
Studying hard to crack a top B-school
Found my purpose, everything is looking up.

Dilemma and insight:

I believe that I'm the prize.

This belief is congruent with my behaviour, body language and actions.

A stranger's opinion about me doesn't affect me or shake my frame.

Yet I noticed when I invest myself in a woman, by spending time, by communicating, by investing my own emotions in her, her opinion of me starts to make some difference.

If a girl's interest levels drop after I invested in her emotionally, it does shake my self perception and frame.

IMO, this is due to the law of emotional investment.

If person A invests in person B, person A becomes more attached to person B.

To protect your heart, you have to remain emotionally distant from a woman whilst simulataneosly making her want to invest herself in you.

This leads me to the one question that I believe would solve the problem many guys face over oneitis, obsession, chasing, pedestalising a woman etc.

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

The more options you have, the less important any one of those options becomes.

 

[bigneil]

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

I quit cold turkey at the first sign it was over, 6 weeks ago. In hindsight a lot of people suggest that I dumped her. That doesn't matter.

Quitting a girl you experienced true love with (that is, a huge dose of Oxytocin and Testosterone in a mind blowing orgasm), is like quitting heroin or cocaine. If not harder.

Remember: the heartache you experience is empowering you. We MUST experience this - over and over - first with a 6, then a 7, then an 8, then a 9, then your 10, and then you are invincible. Then you can pick up any woman and be impervious to their actions. I'm not quite there yet, but close.

Any time a woman inspires you this way, you should appreciate her, and if you get the chance, thank her. This is how God inspires men, through beautiful women and heartache.

 

[dynamically]

You need some masculine principles that will shape your relationships with people and women. One of my principles is the reciprocation principle. If a woman makes an effort, I reward her. If I make an effort and she doesn't reciprocation, I ghost on principle. You must not allow anyone (even HB 10's) violate your principles. This is how you keep the hottest women in check. When they feel your hard boundaries and core values, they will adhere to your dominance, or risk losing you. When a woman feels she can do whatever she wants, the relationship is over.

 

[SmooveMooves]

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

You cannot.

We are not robots. No amount of meditation, practice or self help will be able to separate you from emotion. What you can do is be wary and aware of this vulnerability and learn to manage it better.

Since you cannot avoid these feelings take comfort in knowing that emotional pain is inevitable and that it will pass. It will always pass. The mind only dwells on something as long as you allow. If you continue progressing in your life (which you are doing) you will come to a point when you don't even realize you were hurt. Do not go into to relationships with the intention of avoiding emotions, this is weak as it only prevents you from learning to experience and deal with them accordingly.

"A smart man avoids attachment and emotions. A wise man learns to manage and leverage them to his benefit."

 

[BeExcellent]

There is humanity in authenticity. Inner game is about authenticity. Detaching, withholding and game playing are all mechanisms that have roots in fear and rob authenticity.

Fear of losing control, fear of getting hurt, fear of frame erosion, all kinds of fear. When a person operates from a place of fear they are actually operating from a place of self doubt...from a deep seated sense of "less than" which may or may not be conscious.

People who understand their own intrinsic value do not operate from a place of fear. Rather they are who they are irrespective of outside stimuli. They have an inner strength and self awareness that allows them to invest, to care, to be vulnerable & to love from a place of choice that is rooted in authenticity and strength of character.

These are people who appreciate being cared for and loved by another person but they do not hang their internal value on an outside opinion. Therefore their value is unassailable.

Now that doesn't mean such a person never has disappointments and hurts along the way in life...but it means these experiences are temporal, short lived and do not erode the person whose intrinsic value and self worth is wholly and independently internal. Such a person moves through life with a deep self confidence and ease.

In fact, as you solidify your inner game you'll find you become more transparent in relationships because you'll actively screen for people who are capable of appreciating who you are and you'll look for people of similar depth to invest in.

Inner game/authenticity at its core is steadfast self love. It is the foundation of intimacy. If you can love yourself you can love someone outside yourself. And you can love from a place of choice as opposed to fear.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

The best defense is a good offense. Make it a point to ALWAYS have at least 3 or 4 girls you know on a first name basis, that you talk to regularly. Not to date (but you wouldn't be opposed if they went out of their way to seduce you) just to keep your level of "feminine energy abundance" at a minimum level, not unlike a checking account.

If you put all your energy into ONE GIRL, and you don't have a "base" then the removal of that ONE GIRL will hurt. But if you have a BASE, you will bounce back from a sexual relationship that ends abruptly a lot quicker.

Note, these are NOT girls you hope to date. Just cute girls (waitresses etc.) you flirt with and are on a first name basis with.

If you talk to one girl at least every couple days, that is cute and flirt worthy, this will give you a real feeling that any ONE GIRL is easily replaceable.

Also, think of flirting with random cuties the same way a jogger thinks of his daily run.

Conditioning that helps his overall physical health.

Routine flirting JUST TO FLIRT will maintain your overall emotional health.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Yet I noticed when I invest myself in a woman, by spending time, by communicating, by investing my own emotions in her, her opinion of me starts to make some difference.

This is pretty normal. It's because you feel that they actually know you and if they say something about you, it holds more merit simply BECAUSE they actually know you better.

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

I will quote the now banned PK as I have asked the exact same question using different wording:

Honestly bro.. probably never going to happen.

Human's are social animals and other people will always effect us emotionally. The key is stoicism. Learn to be comfortable with discomfort.

I would be lying if I told you women never have any emotional effect on me. They do. But I have reached a point where I'm ok with it because I know I'm willing to do what needs to be done for myself even if I experience emotional pain.

I've dumped women I really liked before because I new it had to be done. I still wanted to talk to them, f*ck them, flirt with them, etc. I walked away because I saw the big picture. I knew I was on a path to hell. Its about seeing down the road and being smart. Is not about always "feeling good".

I've been pondering the same thing you have for years. To not feel anything at all is to not be completely human. That is what I discovered. The best thing you could do is to distant yourself emotionally from them. Understand the mechanisms at play that has drawn them to you and know that should you change these mechanisms that they will no longer like you.

A woman might say that she wants you to be a nice guy to her and all that, but you know that if you do that she will stop liking you. Well the best way to look at it is to NOT change into that guy simply for her sake so that she can keep feeling that magical sparkle of 'love' and so that she can keep loving you.

 

[CodeOfAtlas]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

 

[Asasione]

Long story short.

2-month fling with HB7.
Successful insertion of d!ck.
Encountered low interest (flakiness)
Stayed low contact to observe from afar.
Saw some red flags
Lack of sexual options kept me from hard nexting for 2 more weeks before I dropped her just now.

Solution:

Deleted her number
Cut my losses early without any scars.
Working out hard daily
Reading lots of articles on self improvement
Studying hard to crack a top B-school
Found my purpose, everything is looking up.

Dilemma and insight:

I believe that I'm the prize.

This belief is congruent with my behaviour, body language and actions.

A stranger's opinion about me doesn't affect me or shake my frame.

Yet I noticed when I invest myself in a woman, by spending time, by communicating, by investing my own emotions in her, her opinion of me starts to make some difference.

If a girl's interest levels drop after I invested in her emotionally, it does shake my self perception and frame.

IMO, this is due to the law of emotional investment.

If person A invests in person B, person A becomes more attached to person B.

To protect your heart, you have to remain emotionally distant from a woman whilst simulataneosly making her want to invest herself in you.

This leads me to the one question that I believe would solve the problem many guys face over oneitis, obsession, chasing, pedestalising a woman etc.

How to detach yourself emotionally from a woman in whom you have already invested yourself emotionally?

This to me seems like asking, how do I build up tolerance to pain without experiencing pain. The answer is you can't. Only way to get through such a situation is to experience it and learn the hard way that emotions are transient. There's no harm in feeling terrible, sad or any negative emotion. Learn that to get what you want will inevitably involve bad outcomes, and that despite emotionally investing you can walk away from poor quality individuals/women and get another one. That is what I believe will give you the kind of inner game you want. Confidence that you can drop them and get another one easily and even if you don't get one right away, being fine alone because you have built a life that is fun and enjoyable with or without women.

Spinning plates is great for aspiring DJ's but it's still just a workaround for actually building confidence and outcome Independence. There is a disconnect in the method because unless you are intending on being a bachelor for life at one point if you do end up with only one woman you will have to build up that self worth that transcends such tactics so that you maintain frame subconsciously.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Spinning plates is great for aspiring DJ's but it's still just a workaround for actually building confidence and outcome Independence. There is a disconnect in the method because unless you are intending on being a bachelor for life at one point if you do end up with only one woman you will have to build up that self worth that transcends such tactics so that you maintain frame subconsciously.

My semi-celibate method is to take another spin on 'spinning plates', and call it 'spinning plates light'. It integrates it within a more traditional framework. Here you just meet as many women as you can... enjoy their company while you continue to screen for one that's capable of a relationship.

 

[bigneil]

We don't decide to become emotionally attached. We discover something wonderful and we savor it and then one day it's gone and we long for it. But it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I found that I can recreate almost all the feelings I once had just by thinking about them.

For men, when we're dating the one we love the most, we can't have a backup, we can only have the skills to go replace her at some point.

 

[btownbuck2012]

You cannot.

We are not robots. No amount of meditation, practice or self help will be able to separate you from emotion. What you can do is be wary and aware of this vulnerability and learn to manage it better.

Since you cannot avoid these feelings take comfort in knowing that emotional pain is inevitable and that it will pass. It will always pass. The mind only dwells on something as long as you allow. If you continue progressing in your life (which you are doing) you will come to a point when you don't even realize you were hurt. Do not go into to relationships with the intention of avoiding emotions, this is weak as it only prevents you from learning to experience and deal with them accordingly.

"A smart man avoids attachment and emotions. A wise man learns to manage and leverage them to his benefit."

Excellent answer.

 

[darksprezzatura]

Do you know who else thinks their the prize? Chumps. They buy flowers and write poems and do many of the things they do because they think they are being the type of man most women want. When it blows up on them, it's a hard hit upon their perceived self-worth. Their belief in being the prize, as delusional as it may be, is shaken. Guys who suffer from oneitis, obsession, chasing, pedestalising a woman etc. are really just desperately chasing after their own self-worth. That's why they hold on and don't detach when they should. They don't want to admit that someone else doesn't see them as this prize.

We all know that when a DJ believes he is a prize, it is from a completely different perspective with completely different motivators (that he doesn't do it for women), but the fundamental principle is still the same, albeit the path is indirect: that he is becoming or has become the type of man that women want.

What a lot of guys tend to forget is that when we invest our emotions into other people, we are opening ourselves to the possibility that this other person is something of a prize themselves. We picked them above the others, after all, and we did so because they hold something we admire in some way. We attribute some value to them. When those people reinvest back into us, there is some feeling of vindication there; that our prized belief is not just a belief, but has materialized. It is real. We're not just a prize to a woman, we are the prize to something we prize ourselves.

When that sh*t ends, we all become susceptible to moments in which we question things. That's a normal reaction. It's human. How we process this information is the difference between a chump and a DJ.

A chump doesn't want to accept he is no longer seen as this other person's prize. He wants to keep it because he thinks these feelings are so unique that they will never be found again.

A DJ accepts this because he knows there is always someone else who will. He is willing to find it again in someone else because he knows that most of these feelings aren't really that unique. Whatever we are losing now will be found again later, even when everything inside screams otherwise.

So the answer isn't to detach from human emotion. It is to learn how to process it. And sometimes, the best way to process all of this is to just admit that you can't always be the prize with every person, all of the time, even with those who invest into us emotionally. And that's OK, even if it does suck sometimes.

I agree with some of your opinions, whereas the others seem misguided.

Chumps
A chump doesn't believe that he's a prize to be won and supplicates men and women to win their respect and affection, hiding behind delusional beliefs that he's a prize.

His self worth is affected by the opinion of others, leading him to buy their affections and respect.

They are the ones who minimise threat projection and are exploited mercilessly by men and women alike.

Their best trait is that they are slightly submissive and can be led by great alphas who can help them learn and grow.

Jerks
A jerk doesn't believe he's a prize to be won either and disrespects men and women to show them that he's above them, hiding behind delusional belieefs of being the prize.

His perceived self worth is also affected by the reactions of other people to validate his superiority.

They create conflicts and threats and are disguised as faux alphas and are perpetually in the state of striking pre-emptively.

Their best trait is that they are dominant and selfish, to which women react to sexually for a while and they preserve their interests well.


Alphas
An Alpha believes he's the prize to be won because he knows he's the only one who can live upto the expectations he has of himself.

He isn't affected by the opinion of other people because he understands that other people are perfect just like him as nature intended them to be.

He maximises threat projections without creating actual threats or causing unnecessary conflicts, stands his ground and defends his boundaries if threatened.

He doesn't supplicate men or women to earn their respect or affection yet stays kind and generous.

He knows that people aren't designed to give a sh!t about him, so he does what he wants to do with courage.

He isn't trying to live upto anyone's expectations and doesn't expect anyone to live upto his.

 

[fastlife]

10/10 thread; a lot of great responses. This is something I wrestled with hard about a year or so ago:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/stagnation-at-sosuave-when-frame-is-weakness.233309/
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/good-and-bad-emotions.233067/
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/accept-the-ups-downs-learn-to-love-losing.241355/

Understand that learning how to effectively process your emotions is a lifelong process. A lot of us are still using the coping mechanisms that worked for us when we were children--for the same emotional problems we never effectively processed as children.

A couple quick hitters, since realistically I know most people won't go back and read those threads:

• Embrace whatever you're feeling: Right now you're judging those emotions as weak & operating from a place of fear & avoidance. A lot of emotions we feel are generated involuntarily on a biological level--they just are. Damn right you're gonna feel like sh1t when you lose access to a mating opportunity; your biology counts that as an L, even if rationally you know she wasn't a person that was going to contribute to your longterm happiness.
• Understand that everything is temporary: Enjoy it while it lasts--you'll never experience quite the same situation with the same girl from the same emotional paradigm ever again. There's something beautiful about that, even though it sucks when you lose it. Live fully; live authentically; take the L's as they come.
• Embrace abundance: That said, you'll have chemistry with sooo many girls who each have their individual strengths and weaknesses. That's beautiful too. And what's funny is that if you're putting yourself in enough situations to meet girls, you'll always find someone who you connect with better--it's only a matter of Effort X Time.
• Grow: Hopefully you'll replace the emotional paradigm you're operating in now with a different, more effective one over time, where the emotions you're feeling now are a little ridiculous. Someday this girl won't click with your new paradigms--that chemistry will vanish--she'll age or she might grow emotionally too in a way that she loses the appeal she has for you now.
• Act In Spite of your emotions: As I mentioned earlier, your emotions serve a purpose; don't suppress them, but also don't let them inform the decisions you make or the actions you take. You won't feel like hopping back in the saddle and meeting new girls, but you have to. You know it's what you have to do for your long-term happiness. & it gets easier overtime.

 

[resilient]

• Grow: Hopefully you'll replace the emotional paradigm you're operating in now with a different, more effective one over time, where the emotions you're feeling now are a little ridiculous. Someday this girl won't click with your new paradigms--that chemistry will vanish--she'll age or she might grow emotionally too in a way that she loses the appeal she has for you now.

This bullet point really appeals to the power struggle in a LTR.

When I sense myself losing frame and SMV in a RS, I start manning the fvck up. I return to this forum. Engage high level Don Juans. I start fixing the AFC moves I'm making. I correct weak behaviors and start leading in the relationship.

Unfortunately, it's usually at a time where I've let her lead for so long that she has cognitive dissonance in thinking I'm being a man or that this is just a temp phase in me trying to regain the power I gave up. She loses the ability to control me because I start saying no more often.

Oddly enough, she loses further attraction and begins branch swinging if she hasn't already.

The important thing I hope I learn is that I get better at recognizing these weak signals in my behavior earlier on in relationships, correct them fast, so I don't keep repeating the weak beta moves over and over and not naturally leading as a man.

Being authentic is a hard thing today because innately without options or plates... I supplicate thinking that will keep her attracted or hanging on with steady interest level and that is cognitive dissonance on own part, mostly blue pill thinking.