need advice. ex is back and wants to have sex

[Romjuan]

so an old ltr is back. we broke up 4 months ago and did the whole no contact for the most part. 3 weeks ago she told my sis that shes having feelings for me and having sexual dreams about me. ive been thinkn bout her too. we had a great relationship and she cut it off cuz i wasnt driven in life. so after she talked to my sis we ran into each other at bars 3 weekends in a row. did just small talk. i then invited her out this last friday to come to bars since weve been runninginto each other. she ends up not being able to make it out cuz she couldnt get any girls w her and their all at a different bar. i replied come by when ur done with that bar.

long story short she sent out a junk email to me about when someone says lets grab a drink what happens. (it shows stick figures having sex and such)...so anyway 130am comes around and she texts me what am i doiing. i said im home. she replies she wants to get out of her house so i said come over...but dont get any expectations.... now we all know when a girl comes over late nite what that means. so she came over and we basically talked till 6am about the good times we had. llot of memories. before we went for bed i said we should kiss. we both go half way and i back out to be ****y and said "nah its to soon". she wakes up in the morning and rather than get bfast or hang out she gets dressed talks briefly and leaves. now i know i could have had sex but i figured since we r getting a 2nd chance at this id take it slow.

so couple hours after she left i saw that email she sent so i replied "lets go get a drink".
she replies later last nite "haha...i know what u r implying..we had our chance last nite but u said dont expect anything blah..blah blah ". those were her exact words.

now i need help from u guys.
1. is the only thing she want is sex or is she thinkn rekindling old flame too?
2. is this bad that i didnt put out?
3. what should my next move be?
thanks for the help.

 

[DJDamage]

now i need help from u guys.
1. is the only thing she want is sex or is she thinkn rekindling old flame too?
2. is this bad that i didnt put out?
3. what should my next move be?
thanks for the help.

1. I would go with a third option and say that she doesn't have any great prospects lining up right now (meaning other men) and wants to feel wanted again. Don't build your hopes up.

2. You should have banged her.

3. Put your ex on the backburner and go bang other chicks. You can bang your ex too but don't build your hopes up that you will get into a relationship with her. The reason she dumped you wasn't because she told you that you weren't "driven in life" but because she lost interest in you.

 

[Alexander the Great]

She dumped you but now wants you back. For sex, you say Aha! Aha-aha-ahahaha!

I think your next move should be to MOVE ON!

Why?

What DJDamage said: her prospects are low. So, she's trying the old branches again. What you said yourself: she wants to have sex. Your instincts should all cry out in simultaneous outrage with the urge to make you laugh in her face really loud!

But your instincts don't cry out like that and you don't have the urge to make it known to her how ridiculous her actions are.

That's because you probably still have feelings for her and want this to develop into a relationship again. That much is obvious from what you wrote. If you "try" things with her again, you will be used, dumped again and left heart-broken.

Your move? ON! Next! She had her chance! Find a girl that appreciates you even when you "aren't driven in live". DJDamage was right when he said that this wasn't the reason she broke it off. She indeed lost interest in you.

A woman who is interested in you and cares about you doesn't care wether you are "driven" in life or not. A truly interested woman will only want to drive YOU! Both in her car AND her bed! (In reality, an interested woman only cares if SHE is driven to be with you or not, remember that.) This woman made up some excuse, something women, people, always do to protect their own ego and value. And with that, she showed her true face. One of contempt, not respect.

My friend, in short, you're being USED. Your ex is obviously a f*cking emotional golddigger with no respect for anyone but herself and her needs.

Cut. All. Contact. Now.

Forget what you "should" have done (yes, you should have banged her, but you couldn't because your feelings prevented you from using her), and make the acquaintance of other, lustful and willing women.

(Also see this thread (My Ex Made Contact) about rekindling old flames. It's on the same page as this one right now, you should have seen it. )

 

[Heretolearn]

Good man for resisting the urge to have sex. Why give her any satisfaction/validation for leaving you. Not saying you have to be Batman but surely you do want to make her accountable for leaving you (i.e not just whimper and say yes dear if she wants you back).

So good job.

Your ultimate question is whether you want to be with this girl. Only you know that but make it knowing full well that she walked away once without contacting you or being remorseful and sorry dude if she found something better you really think she would be calling. So do you really want to be with a girl who in the middle of a movie (relationship) went out to see if there was anything better on, could not find anything so came back to watch the original movie (you). The problem is, in leaving she caused havoc to you and everyone else around you (your friends helping you through the breakup). Is this really a person you want to be with? Do you think you can do better?

So its really what YOU want for your life as only YOU have to live with it.

Man, I have been in this situation. Everytime I have had a relationship end for whatever reason AND gone back it has just delayed me finding a MUCH better life/girl etc etc. You think it is good at the time but thats because you do not know any better. Hence why I love this board helping us all.

Especially when you are in it. Eg. I wish I took my own advice but sometimes its really hard.

So make your choice then draw on whatever sources you can to carry it out. Yourself, your friends, this board whatever you need.

Good luck my friend.

*also meeting other girls would help in this situation as you would not want to sacrifice them for this rerun as you would be too busy

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Rom Juan,
Expect nothing permanent from this relationship,if it suits your style then keep her as a plate,someone to bang at your convenience.....These days I don't chew my cud twice,I know I will just find the same reasons for giving them up yet again.

 

[Romjuan]

thanks guys for the advice. everything you all said made good advice. Truth is i have been thinking about this girl past 4 months so i have invested that already. i think the right thing to do is have sex if the opportunity comes again not invest anymore feelings into her. keep myself protected and assume it is not going to work. there is one thing i disagree with that was mentioned. i really dont think she is back because there is no other men as an option. she is a really good looking girl and i am sure she can meet someone else and hook up with them. truth is she came over here and talked about feelings the whole time. wish me luck that i keep my guard up fellas. if anyone else has any other advice i appreciate them too.

 

[STR8UP]

Whats that thing Rollo says about rooting through the garbage after you have taken it out to the curb?

Don't root through the garbage dude.

 

[Mr. Me]

i really dont think she is back because there is no other men as an option. she is a really good looking girl and i am sure she can meet someone else and hook up with them.

You don't live in her pocket, so you don't know what exactly's going on in her life. Chances are, she can attract guys, and that she met one or two already and it didn't work out. Like maybe the guy she dumped you for that you didn't know about*

So, maybe put off, for right now, by the scary world of wussy guys and assh@les and nerdy unattractive boys, she seeks solace in something familar, namely, you. So she seeds your sister with the news that she's been thinking of you, because she knows that message will be delivered to it's intended recipient, namely, you again.

Then, coincidence upon coincidence, "after she talked to my sis we ran into each other at bars 3 weekends in a row".

Good for you for at least denying her from baiting you with sex.
Deny her all of you, even better.
She's only going to dump you again when she meets the next guy. You're only a pit stop to her.


* Because if she dumped you because you "weren't driven in life", but now, wants you again, uhhhhhh... what happened to her reason for dumping you? My guess is: that was never really the reason, just the excuse. But now, the real reason no longer is a factor. Whoever he was.

 

[Heretolearn]

thanks guys for the advice. everything you all said made good advice. Truth is i have been thinking about this girl past 4 months so i have invested that already. i think the right thing to do is have sex if the opportunity comes again not invest anymore feelings into her. keep myself protected and assume it is not going to work. there is one thing i disagree with that was mentioned. i really dont think she is back because there is no other men as an option. she is a really good looking girl and i am sure she can meet someone else and hook up with them. truth is she came over here and talked about feelings the whole time. wish me luck that i keep my guard up fellas. if anyone else has any other advice i appreciate them too.

She can get guys sure (most girls can). But its not about that. Its not that she has no other men as an option she is just acting/thinking short term and you provide her with validation and a trampoline to her next endeavour.

Would you want that? Why?

Be careful and good luck.

 

[jophil28]

You don't live in her pocket, so you don't know what exactly's going on in her life. Chances are, she can attract guys, and that she met one or two already and it didn't work out. Like maybe the guy she dumped you for that you didn't know about*

So, maybe put off, for right now, by the scary world of wussy guys and assh@les and nerdy unattractive boys, she seeks solace in something familar, namely, you. So she seeds your sister with the news that she's been thinking of you, because she knows that message will be delivered to it's intended recipient, namely, you again.

Then, coincidence upon coincidence, "after she talked to my sis we ran into each other at bars 3 weekends in a row".

Good for you for at least denying her from baiting you with sex.
Deny her all of you, even better.
She's only going to dump you again when she meets the next guy. You're only a pit stop to her.


* Because if she dumped you because you "weren't driven in life", but now, wants you again, uhhhhhh... what happened to her reason for dumping you? My guess is: that was never really the reason, just the excuse. But now, the real reason no longer is a factor. Whoever he was.

MY thoughts exactly in Mr ME's wise words.

Read the sentence above about her "baiting you with sex."
Sex ( or its implied offer) is the most effective and quickest way that woman usually use to drag a man back under her spell.

Did you every read the story of Ulysses and the island of Sirens ?

 

[Romjuan]

update.

i decided i wanted to talk to her and see what her intentions are. i sent her a text yesterday around 3 and said lets do something tonite after ur family dinner. she waited 10min and put what do u have in mind. i responded with "u,me, restaurant, dinner at 8". she waited 10min again and said i have dinner with my parents tho. i texted back fine movies?. she didnt reply back. 4 hours go by i texted again "r we on for tonite?" she responded finalaly and put "im still at my parents. ill be here a bit longer..ill call u when i leave.. if we dont go out tonite maybe another nite?" i put k. she never called back. what do u think i should do now? im startinng to regret not having sex with her because shes been acting different. the whole leaving when she woke up and now not replying to my texts. any advice?

 

[hover411]

just don't get needy and desperate dude.

maybe give it a few days, see if she contacts you. if not, hit her up. just don't lose your frame, or your power.

 

[Mr. Me]

any advice?

Yeah. Keep texting and waiting for replies instead of just calling her and nailing it down; always ask a woman for just a few hours later on that day for when she more then likely already has plans; keep on giving her control of the situation as you're doing; when she turns you down for one thing, immediately propose another thing to do; when she stalls you just let her know that's okay, ignore all advice to DTB and move on; listen only to guys who think getting some is worth going through this bullsh1t; and continue thinking that if you had sex with her things would be sooooo different.

If that doesn't work, try going no contact for real and find someone who actually wants to be with you who never dumped you before so you can start over with a clean slate instead of being imprisoned by your own emotions.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I always bang my exes. No one else here seems to do that, but I like the revenge factor of taking the ex's booty call, and then going right back to whatever other girl I am dating. Having another girl is crucial, though, otherwise you will just sit around obsessing over the ex, which is what you are doing now. Knowing you are with someone else will hurt her enough to tip the power balance back into your favor.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

any advice?

Yes, put an age on your profile before I send this thread to the Discussions forum. Read the rules.

 

[Romjuan]

age is updated.
i like what you all had to say. I MUST NOT GET NEEDY. i have to realize i regained the power when i did not have sex. my main thing is i want to really see what her intentions are. i figured a way i can ask is to say this:
what are your intentions? if you are trying to be friends and just do the physical thing..im fine with that, it seemed like you were confused last time i spoke to you and i dont want to confuse you any more than you are. i wanted to be intimate with you friday nite but i didnt want to take advantage of you. if you are looking for something more, let me know so i can help you figure things out.

i figure this will give me a clear understanding of why shes really back in the picture. my problem is how do i initiate this conversation if shes not going out with me? with keeping what mr.me said in mind i have to remember not to do those things, but i liked what hover said. maybe give it a few days then call her again? damn, but that may seem needy, calling her after she didnt call me. i dont know guys, im really confused.

 

[Nutz]

so an old ltr is back. we broke up 4 months ago and did the whole no contact for the most part. 3 weeks ago she told my sis that shes having feelings for me and having sexual dreams about me. ive been thinkn bout her too. we had a great relationship and she cut it off cuz i wasnt driven in life. so after she talked to my sis we ran into each other at bars 3 weekends in a row. did just small talk. i then invited her out this last friday to come to bars since weve been runninginto each other. she ends up not being able to make it out cuz she couldnt get any girls w her and their all at a different bar. i replied come by when ur done with that bar.

long story short she sent out a junk email to me about when someone says lets grab a drink what happens. (it shows stick figures having sex and such)...so anyway 130am comes around and she texts me what am i doiing. i said im home. she replies she wants to get out of her house so i said come over...but dont get any expectations.... now we all know when a girl comes over late nite what that means. so she came over and we basically talked till 6am about the good times we had. llot of memories. before we went for bed i said we should kiss. we both go half way and i back out to be ****y and said "nah its to soon". she wakes up in the morning and rather than get bfast or hang out she gets dressed talks briefly and leaves. now i know i could have had sex but i figured since we r getting a 2nd chance at this id take it slow.

so couple hours after she left i saw that email she sent so i replied "lets go get a drink".
she replies later last nite "haha...i know what u r implying..we had our chance last nite but u said dont expect anything blah..blah blah ". those were her exact words.

now i need help from u guys.
1. is the only thing she want is sex or is she thinkn rekindling old flame too?
2. is this bad that i didnt put out?
3. what should my next move be?
thanks for the help.

It's all a bunch of BS. She wanted out to pursue other guys, got her fill, and now she's missing you.

Generally speaking I recommend guys stay away from situations like this. However, since you're seeing things pretty clearly (relatively speaking) IF IF IF you take her back, downgrade her to FWB/Frak Buddy. DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF TO DATING ONLY HER. It's just like Bible_Belt said about keeping you from obsession over her. You should have a bullpen of poon. It'll keep your head straight and limit the chances of you getting fixated on the ex.

Make it perfectly clear you guys can be together, but you're already seeing other people and are at a place in life that you're not ready to leave. If she accepts that frame, then you're good to go. If not, then you're no worse off than you are already.

 

[Janez]

If you are dramatic, you can control yourself and not fall emotionally for her, then why not f*ck her in the ways you always wanted but never or rarely tried (like some fetishes etc.).

If your game is strong, you could pump your ego with whatever the f*ck u would want by doing to her anything your head wants (either of them .. ). If you do that she might even fall for you and then u can dump her like crap, make a porn movie and share it with us. lol.

But well, you are just a human being and that would be really hard game to handle, I suppose.

 

[hover411]

dude,

if you ask her her intentions, you lose. keep the uncertainty going, and go for what you want.

don't have "the talk". that is AFC BS.

if she asks you, don't get all mushy, just say you want to have fun for now and aren't thinking of the future.

 

[Mr. Me]

i figured a way I can ask is to say this:
what are your intentions? if you are trying to be friends and just do the physical thing..im fine with that, it seemed like you were confused last time I spoke to you and I dont want to confuse you any more than you are. I wanted to be intimate with you friday nite but I didnt want to take advantage of you. if you are looking for something more, let me know so I can help you figure things out.

I figure this will give me a clear understanding of why shes really back in the picture

Rom, all that will do is prompt her to say whatever she thinks will work best for her own self interests while keeping you in orbit.

"yes, yes, you're right... I'm confused. This is so confusing. Thank you for not taking advantage of me. I'd like to figure out what I'm feeling. You're so good to me."

Women aren't "confused". They have a brain, and they actually know what they're doing. They're really good at it.

What she'll actually get out of what you tell her, if you tell her what you plan to tell her, is something like this:

"Ah. He does want to have sex with me. Thought so. He's trying to see if I want it too. Ha, ha, ha. What's that he said? "If I'M looking for something more"? Hmmm. That means HE'S trying to check and see if I want something because HE wants something more. Good! Hee hee! And he thinks I'm "confused". Okay, I'll play along with the poor little dumb chick thing for now and pretend innocence. Oh! I have to call Matt and Joey back to see them in the meantime too, they're hot!"