Need Advice about Ex? Girlfriend

[firepro80]

Okay,

Here's the deal. I have been dating this girl exclusively for 15 months and she is incredible. I have never experienced a woman like this before - best friend material also. We also started a business together, which is just getting off the ground.

She has told me that because she was divorced and hurt before she never wants to get married again. At first I thought this was great, but I really want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I think these facts combined to make me feel a little insecure.

Last weekend I heard rumors that she was seeing someone behind my back and I was upset because I have turned down lots of women that I could have gone out with in the past. I immediately felt like I had been betrayed. So without doing enough research I confronted her and asked a bunch of questions and told her what I heard. She was so devastated that I didn't trust her.

She cried for about a day. I then found out through a bunch of sources that the rumors weren't true. Her best friends told me she was completely in love with me and only wanted to be with me.

I apologized and waited for her to calm down. When she did, she became very relaxed and said "I don't want to have a relationship right now with anyone - it's too painful." She did say that she still wants to keep our business going and wants to remain friends, although she doesn't want even a lower level romantic relationship with me. Her best friend says be patient she will come around after she gets grounded and she'll be yours again.

I've never been in this position before. It is so painful. Should I cut and run or is there something I can do to make myself more attractive to her? I can't even imagine being only her friend (especially if she dates anybody else) but I also can't imagine losing her. Help

 

[WC2]

For the first time, someone does ask a valid question on a tough situation. I'm sorry to hear about all this bro. There are several possibilities.

The rumors about her seeing someone behind your back may not be true. It may have been a mistake, and maybe she is THAT hurt that you don't trust her, but HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

Usually when a girl is caught in the act at first, she throws up her protection and sends her man lies, trying to make him feel guilty. I've never truly heard of a girl breaking it off because her man brought up a question of her seeing someone else. This could've very well been her excuse she has been waiting for to break it off.

Think about it. She says she doesn't want to get married because divorce is so painful, but why is she even thinking about divorce if she is "in love" with you? Did you ever think that she doesn't consider marriage because she likes to keep her options open at all times?

I hate to make it sound like your woman is manipulative, so please don't take offense. I'm just giving you a few angles to look at, since I have been through a bunch of manipulative women who seemed like sweethearts for the first months.

The best thing to do would be to just leave things alone for now. Women get frusterated when you tell them they're being flakey. Women get irritated (in a good way) when you get flakey. So flake out a little bit on her. Stay partners in business, treat her as just a friend, and see how she reacts. I garuntee if your relationship was sexually active, she will be attempting a move in the next few weeks. Don't give it to her. Don't let her convince you that this whole mess is your fault, cause it isn't. To me it sounds like your girl is either overreacting, or is playing off her sneakiness.

Best of luck to ya

 

[Chemistry]

Good… some real dilemma material instead of the common ‘I saw a HB9 out, and I didn’t approach. What should I do?’ brand of thread…

First off, you made the one biggest mistake in not trusting; in being insecure about it. If you want be in a relationship, part and parcel of that is that you do surrender your doubts, and you trust that person, and if you’ve known each other for 15 months, one would hope that a good degree of trust had built up over that period. More specifically, a whole lot more trust than what could be ruptured by hearing a few rumors. We can all be insecure when you look at the amount of temptation in the world and distractions, but if you’re not willing to trust when you think you’ve found someone that’s ‘ideal’ then when can you? The answer? When you’ve got a girl who you don’t care about losing, but who wants that? You can’t go through life settling for second bests because you’ll never be happy – part of the DJ mindset is that you are someone who knows what he wants then uses his personal attributes, whether natural or a result of hard work, to obtain them.

Your chick in this situation is just extremely fragile, which is why you’ve seen an overstated reaction. I would hold you primarily responsible for the events, because the first thing I’ll always close a down guy on when he posts is if he doesn’t trust his girl because of some totally trivial reason. But she also has to take some of the burden, because its not the normal reaction – of course, don’t try to tell her that because you’ll probably have little success, just bear it in mind when conducting yourself.

The next stage isn’t really on you. There isn’t anything you can do without totally abandoning a real standing in the relationship. Sure, you could attempt to woo her, do this and that, and it may work in the short term, but I guarantee that a month or two down the line and you won’t be together anymore. You need to continue with the business, avoid pushing the friend route, but stay in regular contact through your working and the social aspects which come with it, including lunch and so forth. After all this, the final question falls to you. Do you want to take a girl back who’s this emotionally fragile based on her history? Are you prepared to spend serious time with someone, who unless they change, will bring many insecurities in to your partnership, no matter how well she’ll attempt to hide them? I don’t know, I’ve seen girls who are emotionally fragile, and generally they are weak people, and personally I don’t do weak people because they can never truly let go and have fun.

 

[firepro80]

Thanks guys. This has been therapeudic so far. And, Ashley you are so right. I screwed up. I never should have mistreated her in this way and I would take it back 100,000 times if I could. It's taken me 20 years to meet a woman this great and I'm having a hard time at the thought of losing her.

She is however very fragile and has loads of insecurities, which can get annoying at times. One of the reasons I jumped on her about this is that she needs people to look at her, comment on her looks etc for her to feel good about herself. You should see this woman, she looks like a model. It's crazy.

 

[speed dawg]

Seems to me like she wants out of the relationship, but wants to keep all the perks. Don't ever start a business with a woman if you're not married to her, man. You're definitely needy and dependant on her. I'd get out of the business if I were you. She's just not into you, I don't believe. If she was in love, you wouldn't be confused. The harsh truth may be that she was using you for resources.

I'm sorry, but that's my humble opinion, don't jump down my throat, that's just how I see it.

 

[mountain]

WC2 makes some great points. Women are skilled at making themselves appear the victim even when they've done wrong. I've experienced this many times personally, the sweetest women are especially good at manipulating you into believing you're at fault because they come in under your radar.

You did mess up by confronting her so harshly and in doing so put your cards on the table, but she still may have been seeing other people. Go casually date other women and she most likely come running back. Whether you take her back or not is really something you should give yourself time to consider. You may have a bit of one-itis here.

 

[Desdinova]

We also started a business together, which is just getting off the ground.

I'd say that this is your biggest mistake. You started a business with a woman you're not married to. You have no choice but to deal with her now whether you're dating her or not. Do you think you can continue to do business with her while you date other women and she dates other men?

 

[firepro80]

Man Desdinova - I think that'll be really tough. I had the business idea but she pushed it forward. She also put up all the money. She really is a good girl guys, she's not a money grubber and I really believe she wasn't cheating on me. I just completely mis-played this thing. Right now we're interacting as business partners. Tonight she called me because I've cooled off to her and she reminded me that we've always been great friends and asked if it was okay if she continued to call and talk. I really need some advice here. I want her back but don't know how to achieve that.

 

[RedPill]

If you don't mind me asking, what type of business is it? Are you dependent on it for survival (like it's your full-time income)? Just looking for some background, it will help us give better advice. Also, how old are the two of you?

I hate to say it, because it's not what you want to hear, but this relationship is not gonna work out for you. Owning the business with her is gonna make a sexual relationship with her next to impossible. You can't have both.