My Support Thread... Help me get over x , TY

[feelingloved]

I'm feeling so alone right now. I have almost non-existent support structure. So allow me to borrow your attention to help me through this.

I will write more later, but I just wanted to get this process started. I'm going to head out to the mall, and try to get my mind engaged in something else. I can hardly stand to be in my body right now.

I know I've got a lot going for me. I'm really good looking, rated 8 on plentyOfFish. I've got a decent stable job $50k per year. I've got my health. I'm at the prime of my life, 35. All indicators should be up. Though the emotions of this is really hard getting through.

The relationship has crashed and burned. Its hard not to call. Its been over about a month, give or take. I've given in to calling or emailing once a week. I know I have to cut it all off, for the best chances. I know I have to start dating right away, but I'm not getting to many hits on the internet single sites. Truly I don't know if I could have a relationship right now, or even a fling. There were only 1 or 2 girls I saw on any of the sites that I would even be interested in; possibly a sign of how ideal I thought my girl was.

Ya. I know, I'm whining like a wuss. The whole thing is, I am human; I do feel. And the whole role of acting invincible has been hard the past year LTR, and now that its over, its hard to keep up.

I'm trying to get in contact with some local guys who are PUA. I've joined a mixed ultimate frisbee team. I'm working out more. I bought some things that were lacking from the apartment. Cleaned the car.

I guess I feel kind of aimless, deflated. I've got that choked up feeling in my throat.I guess its temporary. It sucks.

Advice guys/girls? (thank you)

 

[jophil28]

Getting over an LTR is tough and it takes as long as it takes,especially if she was the one who broke up with you. If that was how it was, you can expect to feel hurt, angry and confused for quite a while.. However, there are a few things that you can do to speed up the repair process.

1. Get a clear grasp on why your LTR crashed so that you do not go into another relationship with the same mindset and cluster of behaviors which contibuted to the demise of the previous.You need to KNOW what NOT to do again.
2. Get involved in activities which spread your interests. IT is common(and very bewildering) that guys who were dumped, "did everything for her".
YOu may have made her your 'raison d'etre' . Big mistake ( Oh ,make no mistake, women love all that attention, BUT they eventually lose respect for you for doing it.)
You need to create a life in which women play only a "supporting role". They should NEVER be the MAIN EVENT until you are certain that they have qualified to be worthy of your commitment. THis takes testing and observation over several YEARS.
3. If you are open to having LTRs rather that casual dating, you need to know that most women are poor candidates. They are immature and self-centered in the extreme, cunning and ruthless. The pool of 'good women' is small...Do not get involved with the first hottie who sidles up to you.
There is a demand for good men (we are in short supply ) so do NOT sell yourself to the first bidder, wait for the the highest bidder.

If you were in an LTR with someone whom you deeply loved and were strongly attracted to, then it is likely that you will seek a replacement who is at least equal or better that your Ex.
As men we start that audition process with looks and 'the physical'. Not too many women will appeal to you at that level because you will inevitably make comparisons.

You might like to post here about the 'whats and whys' of your recent LTR.
Maybe some of us have had similar experiences and can give you 'fast track' advice.

 

[szof]

It is summer and you're relying on online sites for dates? Grow a pair and get out there.

Also, the more you contact the girl, the more you place yourself in the loser category with the ex.

 

[Metro3pilot]

It sucks man ....

take your time to learn, take the time to grieve, everyone says get another one that will cure you ..... it never worked for me, but hey whatever works for you

you won't feel like 100% for a time ..nobody can predict .... but have faith ..this too will pass

:rock:

 

[joekerr31]

I guess I feel kind of aimless, deflated. I've got that choked up feeling in my throat.I guess its temporary. It sucks.

(thank you)

you are feeling sh*tty because you are disappointed that life didn't work out the way you wanted - which then leads to a state fo self pity.

first, kudos though for doing the right htings and trying to stay busy during this time. thats a great first step.

now all you gotta do is change your perspective on life. you need to go from the 'woe is me' perspective to 'yay is me' perspective.

there are TONS of people whose lives are horrible. there are peopel who have cancer, aids, are starving, kids in african sometimes have all three, there are women who are stoned to death in the middle east, soldiers are getting blown up, peopel are raped and murdered every day, people die in car accidents, MILLIONS of men this year catch their gf cheating on them, etc...


so as much as you had this vision that perhaps utopia was right aroudn the corner with this woman, it wasnt. it never was. so fantastic that its over.

losing her does not, should not, negate all the amazing things in your life. you are healthy, you have a job, you are able to attract the opposite gender (since you had a gf i the first place!) - so you've got it all going for you. you've got it WAYYYYYY better than probably 80% of the peopel in this world.

so be thankful for that, have a positive attitude about your present and your future, and as you stop pitying yourself and feeling like the world has fallen apart and you embrace the 'life is great' atittude, another chic will enter your life. who knows, maybe two or three

anyway, no there is no advice anyone can give you that will change your emotional state. thats merely a choice you have to make to see your current situation as positive rather than negative.

 

[vitor]

It sucks, it takes time,it will get better. Think of why you broke up and how ****ty it would have been if you found out after marraige and she took half your ****....

Just rememebr your feeling normal natural feelings.... They will get better...

 

[Dash Riprock]

Its hard not to call. Its been over about a month, give or take. I've given in to calling or emailing once a week. I know I have to cut it all off, for the best chances.

Hey Guy,

We've ALL been there. Let me tell you tell a quick version of my story:

I'm also a good looking guy (I usually get 8's and 9's on WhosHot, rating sites, etc.), own my own business, have an outgoing personality, funny/find a lot of humor in life, etc. So every girl should be wild for me, right? Wrong.

About 5 years ago I met this girl 12 years younger. She was infatuated with me. She also looked like a Playboy centerfold; I mean a solid 9.5/10. I was playing it cool with her, teasing her a lot, using humor, etc., all stuff that came natural—really didn’t care all that much. Then, what started out as a fling, became more (I really started caring about her) so I started "acting" differently. I started telling her how I felt about her, I would call her all the time, I would try to monopolize her time, I would work out right next to her at the gym we both belonged to; helping her with every set she did. I totally smothered her and would get wild when other guys showed interest in her.

You get the picture.

This went on for 3-4 mos. (Looking back, I'm shocked she hung in there THAT long).

Then, I noticed she was acting "funny." The sex stopped, I would get her VM a lot. We began to squabble more. I remember one time she went skiing with her friends. I tried calling her at 9, 9:30, 10:30, 11, 11:30 PM--and no answer. She called the next evening after work saying they hit a snow storm and it took them longer to get home. I went ballistic and said something like, "Look, (name) if you REALLY care about someone you call them no matter what!" And I hung up.

Two days later we broke up and I was F-ing DEVASTATED. I went to a psychologist, I bought every (AFC-type) relationship book I could find (a lot of John Gray stuff), and then depression set in (I'm laughing my arse off right now as I type this but I'm 100% serious on all this stuff).

I never called her or had contact with her again, but the feelings stuck SOLID for at least 6 months after the breakup, if not more.

Looking back, I was an absolute 110% US Grade AA King AFC.

Then, after Googling some sites on how to get over a breakup (what a f-ing WUSS I was—LOL), I found a site called AskMen.com and started reading stuff from Doc Love, Dave DeAngelo, Swinggcat, and also found SoSuave.com.

Every time I would read an article I would cringe because of how WRONG I was playing things. It was PAINFUL to read. BUT, I also became a DJ-sponge soaking up as much info as I could.

I swore I would NEVER, EVER, let a woman do that to me again.

And I haven't.

It took maybe 3-4 months to really learn the DJ basics and another year or so to get good. I (still) cherry pick the best of the best from the best and use my own experiences—this is my SYSTEM—and it WORKS.

Fast forward 4 years later to July 2007: I am a Frocking Alpha Male, DJ who comes here because he wants to get even better. I have not had a chick dump me since that fateful day way back in March of 2003. I have dated mega-hot chicks from Ecuador, Mexico, Tanzania, US, and now Croatia, been in LTR’s, call all the shots, and have chicks eating out my hand—all because I took charge, endured the painful changes I needed to make, and improved myself.

I know this all sounds really ****y (maybe even arrogant), but it’s true.

Because of that single negative event, I am a 100% changed man all for the better. I cannot thank that dumb, silicone-pumped, biaatch enough for dumping my sorry arse because I would still be a King AFC had she not.

Now, I have so much confidence in my game and myself, I try to help as many people and friends as possible with their dating dilemmas—but only if they WANT me to. Most still don't get it, some do, and some I turned into future DJs.

Use this event, my man, as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. That single event changed my life forever because now I'm the Alpha Male/DJ that hid in AFC skin for all those years.

Email me in my SoSuave.com mailbox if I can be of more help to you.

Good luck.

Dash

 

[feelingloved]

I've read all what you all wrote. And I will re read it again .

So thank you for your VALUABLE valuable insights.
Right now I am doing OK. I am somewhere between annoyed and slightly angry. This feels better than devastated. But you know moods come and go. So its a snap shot of the moment.

I will add more details in a day or so.

 

[vitor]

if u do want her back which would be dumb do call or write her, No needy pussies here

 

[feelingloved]

Some more background

I did have the misconception that it was the 95% "act & personality".
I now see it is better to spend 95% time on becoming the obvious success, where from the personality exudes with ease. I figured this out after reading at
http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com...proveits-cause-ur-a-kj-vt4603.html?highlight=

Is Vitor saying " if u do want her back do NOT call or write her," ?

 

[feelingloved]

Thank you all for the insight.

I would be interested in the updates/stories of men who got back with their ex. I'm looking for inspiration. I had to leave my 20yr old GF for bad behavior. She immediately took a younger, taller, funnier, more muscled, wealthy BF.
What I was doing in the relationship was no longer working, was not being appreciated. So I left with my dignity and without drama. I'm 35 and had many LT relationships. So I am kind of hoping in 1-3 years there may be something worthwhile to look forward to.

Are there any updates/stories on men who got back together with their exs? I'm looking for inspiration.

I got some inspiration from this thread http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=47758

 

[feelingloved]

I might have not invested enough connection emotion & words of "love you".

My x GF said the reason for the break up was my non-committance to her. Its possible I went too far in the deep end, trying to stay out from the wussy side of my past. Perhaps I did not show enough intimacy. She said she did not think I loved her. But I also think that is a protective mind set she has adopted in order to be able to proceed to do the things with the new guy she wanted to, without guilt.

 

[STR8UP]

Why the hell would you want to get back with an ex? That's the WRONG way to get yourself out of this funk, that's for sure.

 

[feelingloved]

I basically lost my LT girl to another guy.

I was going through a break up 2 years ago, and started getting the DD stuff.

I found a GF 15 years younger using the stuff, but messed it up recently after 1 year. Owch. So I'm still learning. I'm not looking to be a player, just have a successful happy relationship for once... ! I guess having more of a social group goes along that way. You can't be an alpha if your a loner, and have no female friends. I should have figured that out sooner.

I didn't keep up with the DD stuff. I stopped calling her on her issues, and became too understanding. If you fail to put down the small tests, the tests get exponentially bigger.
I also did not have a social group, to appear more interesting. You can't be an alpha, if your not part of a social group; it makes you an outcast, by perception.
You need to discuss her issues, in a joking way. This is not to say you are trying to resolve them. It just means you are pointing them out in a way that means you slightly disapprove, and are pointing out your higher status. The girl will understand that you have a connection with "who" she is.

 

[STR8UP]

My x GF said the reason for the break up was my non-committance to her. Its possible I went too far in the deep end, trying to stay out from the wussy side of my past. Perhaps I did not show enough intimacy. She said she did not think I loved her.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that line....

You sound pathetic. Sorry, but you do.

If a woman is into you, you have to drag her face through the mud a dozen times before she will leave you for "non-commitance".

But I also think that is a protective mind set she has adopted in order to be able to proceed to do the things with the new guy she wanted to, without guilt.

Now you're looking at things a little more rationally.

You are still talking to her? Please stop that immediately.

 

[STR8UP]

First of all, how do you know that you "f-ed" it up? We're talking about a WOMAN here. There could be a million reasons why it ended, and most likely it has nothing to do with what she TELLS you it is. Which brings me to the next issue I have with this.....


DUDE, SHE'S TWENTY!

If I read your post correctly, this chick is almost young enough to be your DAUGHTER.

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against that. I do the same thing. But the difference is that I know that a relationship with a chick that age is almost always doomed. I mean, did you really expect to marry this girl?

Twenty year olds are fun, but they lack any sort of wisdom and can easily be distracted by anything from cheap plastic trinkets to younger, taller, funnier, wealthier, more muscled men.

Seriously, you REALLY thought this was a permanent thing?

 

[feelingloved]

You are correct STR8UP

It is a carrot in my mind. I am objective and realistic about it.
Most of my GF have eventually come back to me, where the possibility of reunion existed.

There are perfect girls out there. I could go in searching. I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking at improving my skills to the point that I can keep a girl as long as I find value in the relationship.

The end of the relationship was "my fault", "my misunderstanding of the process and gender". Finding someone new will not change that. My x was good enough. As were most of my x's. It does me no good to put blame on her.

Yes I will pursue others. Its not a matter of having to find a better girl. I have enough x's who started off as good quality material.

I think that if I can get my image and life to a point where I can reattract and maintain the interest of the x, its no different than getting to that point with another woman. However a new girl confuses the issue with the "initial infatuation" stage, which makes impossible to gage if I have improved.

This particular girl is not THE goal. Though,
if I am unable to get her back in a good relationship,
I am then also unable to keep a similar next girl in a relationship much beyond the infatuation phase.

Thoughts?

 

[feelingloved]

I value your words.

I am not disputing what you say. I will add my point of views, so that you and others can correct or affirm my logic.

I went into the first date thinking it would likely only last 1 day.
I went into the first week thinking it would be the only one.
Same with the first month, and year.

At about the point where she started to offer to buy me a property to live in, my mindset changed. And I smile and laugh half-heartedly in recognition now, that mindset change this is what "tricked me" into thinking and behaving the wrong ways.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I'm actually seeing something more and more through this site; it's women that give most guys purpose. They can seemingly have everything going for them, money, career, looks, health, yadda yadda yadda but it seems to mean nothing unless there's a woman in his life. His spirit is broken and he's just a shell; a baby which needs to learn how to crawl again. I'm definitely going to write a paper about this.

FL, do what these guys have said about finding out what didn't work in the relationship. After giving it a thorough autopsy, I mean with a fine tooth comb, take some time to figure out the type of man you truly want to be. Put all the external fluffy BS like money, looks and things aside; focus on who you want to be authentically. This means determine the man you would be no matter what you have. This does not necessarily mean the guy that you thing women would want, that's not authentic by your means.

Once you get a good idea in your head, start building this guy by finding activities that you enjoy doing that would sustain it. Again, these are things that you enjoy doing, not what you believe women would like for you to do. See a pattern yet? Once you rebuild yourself into the man you would be proud of, you should regain both your self esteem and personal power (do I sound like Tony Robbins or what?).

Once you get your own house in order, you can more effectively sarge the ladies. Right now it sounds like you're trying to get reassurance externally; not good. Be self assured and self sustaining, then you'll have a better chance of putting forth a better, bolder "you" to the rest of the world.

Oh yeah, I use to drive a 1976 Camaro in highschool, it was a terrific car and I had a blast with in on into college; how many 17 year olds had a sportscar, y'know what I mean? Damn I'm glad I've outgrown that car.

 

[feelingloved]

Funny story.

I got on fling.com. I thought I had a date set up. My X had mentioned , 3 days previous,that she was coming into the city on the W/E. I had not contacted her. But then I thought I would check and see, for scheduling reasons.

I called. She was golfing with the new guy.
Me: are you coming into the city?
Her: I'm golfing. (meaning no)
Me: well I just wanted to say bye. I'm meeting someone today.
Her: you have fun with that. (It was an effort to be non-caring, but I did perceive a level of fear and anxiety crack in her voice.
Its all I could take, and I just hung up without saying anything else.

Turns out there are scams on there. And it was not a real girl. So I had no date after all.

Up to this point she had not really tried to contact me. But following this she left a message at my work computer, home number, asking about the date. She also called my work number which I did not pick up. I did not want to.

I have not wanted to talk with her. I could not admit to not having a date yet, after we've been apart for over a month already.

You may know how the mind tries to make you rationalize a really good reason to call. .. really important things to say/convey... like independence... confidence... non-caring.. etc. So I've been tempted to call today. To tell her off, to give her cat & cds back. To get some of my stuff back. To act as though all is great in my life. To joke around, to tease her, to be mysterious.

A part of me also knows not to call her back. And I have not done it. I know if I did call, how I would feel after, and it would not be good.

So THANKS FOR the REMINDER!