beenthereall
Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2012
- Messages
- 13
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Sorry for the length...some of it is in part to not leave out any possible key details. The other reason is for my own "healing" process, which you will learn (if you read this monster) is going quite well.
In Chinese city:
Her: Chinese girl, 23
Me: American guy, 23
She works full time for an American company and goes to school part-time. She's been on her own for almost 4 years.
My first stint in the city (when I met her) I was basically a student (6 months)
My second stint in the city (about 5 weeks now) I’m working a full-time job and on my own.
We started out as the vaunted combo of language partners..really though, I was interested in her because I thought she was cuter than the vast majority of the Chinese girls I personally knew or had seen in person, so I figured I'd send her a message (networking site a friend told me about) about her giving me a bit of a tour around her campus. Things went great from the very start..great personality, intelligence, a bit of that totally naive Chinese brainwashed stuff going on, but it all made her seem very likable.
Basically we met up at her campus after her last class once per week for 4 weeks straight..at about 3 hours a pop. There wasn't much language exchanging going on...she's an English major so we mainly talked in English..communication was never really a problem.
She definitely was into me physically from the beginning, brushing up against me while we were walking back to the subway, teasing me that I must be popular and why do I keep meeting with her, everything like that.
We then finally went on some "dates"-- dinners, a bar concert, etc. They ended with me staying over at her place for the night (4 total times)*. Man, first time I see her place she shows me some of her family photos and tells me all these stories..really the full emotional connection really set in there right that moment.
* (her place was on east side, mine was on far west side-east side is far superior for our age)
The first 2 times staying at her place we watched a movie, talked, flirted—just straight up chilled… nothing ever really happened..I slept in her bed with her...it was actually really not awkward. Sure, not exactly something two platonic friends would do, but whatever. Reading between the lines...well let's just say we both were reading between the lines.
The 3rd time we went back to her place really late after a concert and a dinner. I had always talked about how I loved giving massages, all that jazz. She ate that up. We fooled around, had our fun--great stuff. But never oral or intercourse. We both woke up in the morning, had great conversation. she mentioned that she kinda liked that we were going slow. She said she didn't know if she wanted to go faster.
Eventually we asked what were we...she told me she hadn't put me in her friend category yet.. I told her the same.
We had always discussed and had concerns about how long I'd be staying in the city. would I come back..for how long. She often hinted at us just staying friends..she has long said that she didnt want to lose a friendship with a foreigner such as me, because she didnt connect with somebody the way she did and for as long as she did with me. She also said (and this may be just girl speak) that she’s not self confident enough and she’d find some way to screw it up with me..and lose me.
The 4th time sleeping over at her place pretty much the same stuff happened, but I just couldn't go through with it. She was on top, shirt off, grinding against me, everything was headed (no pun intended) in right direction…
I had developed more feelings for her emotionally (and I'll admit, as a close friend) and in the back of my mind, I really wasn't sure I'd find good work in this city and decide to come back. I didn't want to begin a sexual relationship with her and then a month later disappear, maybe never to appear again. Breaking her heart...I never wanted to do that to her. All I wanted to do was be patient..
So, she understood that (but at the same time, , but also she was SHOCKED that after two times (probably 4 times in her book) I didnt take over and go for her. Sure, I'm still SHOCKED about it to this day...like what the hell was I thinking? But we talked about it..and seemed to come to a consensus that patience was ok.
The downsides to her were strong though...
There was definitely a several week phase where she put me into the boyfriend category (trail run). She called me a few times real late at night, saying she needed to hear my voice (clingy), wanting to talk etc. We always had differing views on money. Of course, the huge culture differences thing..can’t forget about that. Chinese girls typically date for marriage and are pressured by their parents to get married fast and to older wealth.
She was really great at saying and doing some of the nicest things..telling me numerous times I'm the type of guy she would want to be serious with. She was always telling and showing me new places around the city, making plans. It was a great 50-50 initiation.
SHOULDA SAW IT COMING
Soon after that 4th time staying over at her apartment (2nd time actually messing around) she tells me we should just be friends, see each other once a week for dinner -etc. She reiterated her past concern about not being confident enough..yada yada. I was hurt. But not as bad as I would be later on...
Well, that happened a just a few weeks before I was to return to the States for a while before my job started. Being away for nearly a month made me pretty much get over her.
THE BAD
When I came back to the city to start my job, I saw her a few times in the first two weeks I was back.. and my feelings for her returned. I made a mistake, and told her (pretty much still knowing she didn't want a relationship with me) that I began to feel something for her again. She told me she didn't see me in that way, and that I needed to get over it*. That was a little more than 3 weeks ago....
THE ****BAD
*She goes on to tell me that she only really ever thought of me as a close friend..and that she still wasn't entirely over her prior BF (who she told me looks a lot like me)...so all this time she was leading me on, kind of playing me. She now says she wants a quite a bit older, already established guy to “take care of me”. Sure, not surprising especially since she’s Chinese and the girls tend to look toward men 8-15 years older, generally. At any rate..once it sunk in, I was quite hurt. Either she's lying by saying she never considered me for anything more, or that she's actually telling the truth and just led me on.
THE GOOD
It’s been more than 3 weeks and no contact has been made ( I never told her I'm not contacting her..we just haven't had any contact). I’m a little surprised she hasn’t texted me saying something like, “you still alive?”, or some ****.
BECAUSE MY MIND IS WEIRD
Maybe I'm totally wrong on this, but maybe she was just interested in me for the sex, (more like FWB's) being that we were attracted to each other and always had chemistry. Once I rejected it twice, well, that was that.
WHAT NOW
The thing is, I’m sure she will contact me in a few days..her birthday is in the late teens of this month, and there’s a gathering that will be going on I’m sure. On one level it’s great because I’ll get to meet some of her girl-friends who I have seen pics of..and they aren’t too shabby. I’ve known her for about 5 and a half months and have never really met more than one of her girl-friends. I know she has some.
Though, on the other level, I’m not sure how I will react if I do join. Not sure if that will set me back...because currently I still have some feelings for her..but they are WANING..it just takes some more time. I’m meeting new people, spending time with people I’m already friends with..it really does speed up the process.
Of course, there's a dilemma because I don't want to reply..but I am in the situation of not wanting to forsake an international friendship that was awesome from the very beginning…even if she did lead me on, play me, whatever.
I don't want her to think negatively of me by ignoring her. I think she's actually the type of person that I can can keep in contact with for a lifetime and hold a friendship and genuinely not have any feelings for. I can't stress it enough, we get along great and talk about just about everything..she's a down to earth girl and pretty chill and fun, especially in groups. I always think to myself..maybe she led me on..but not on purpose. I think I'm giving her too much credit though..I don't think she is that naive. She's aware of what she did.
QUESTIONS, FINALLY
When I do speak to her again, whenever that may be, I have to tell her what she did was BS, and I will tell her I lost respect for her in some ways. Sure, I'm at fault a bit for falling for it..but she should have been more honest upfront.
Maybe we were never meant to be a couple (I'm sure I know this now), but we both put a lot of effort in and had a lot of fun with each other. SO, should I tell her when I see her next that if she only saw me as a friend, why did she do the things she did? When she does contact me, how long should I wait until I respond?
SAPPY ****
I dont want her to become a person that I used to know, and I can say that honestly because my feelings for her are quickly waning. The friendship bond is still there (or so I think..)
Give it to me straight if any of ya are still reading, whaddya think?
In Chinese city:
Her: Chinese girl, 23
Me: American guy, 23
She works full time for an American company and goes to school part-time. She's been on her own for almost 4 years.
My first stint in the city (when I met her) I was basically a student (6 months)
My second stint in the city (about 5 weeks now) I’m working a full-time job and on my own.
We started out as the vaunted combo of language partners..really though, I was interested in her because I thought she was cuter than the vast majority of the Chinese girls I personally knew or had seen in person, so I figured I'd send her a message (networking site a friend told me about) about her giving me a bit of a tour around her campus. Things went great from the very start..great personality, intelligence, a bit of that totally naive Chinese brainwashed stuff going on, but it all made her seem very likable.
Basically we met up at her campus after her last class once per week for 4 weeks straight..at about 3 hours a pop. There wasn't much language exchanging going on...she's an English major so we mainly talked in English..communication was never really a problem.
She definitely was into me physically from the beginning, brushing up against me while we were walking back to the subway, teasing me that I must be popular and why do I keep meeting with her, everything like that.
We then finally went on some "dates"-- dinners, a bar concert, etc. They ended with me staying over at her place for the night (4 total times)*. Man, first time I see her place she shows me some of her family photos and tells me all these stories..really the full emotional connection really set in there right that moment.
* (her place was on east side, mine was on far west side-east side is far superior for our age)
The first 2 times staying at her place we watched a movie, talked, flirted—just straight up chilled… nothing ever really happened..I slept in her bed with her...it was actually really not awkward. Sure, not exactly something two platonic friends would do, but whatever. Reading between the lines...well let's just say we both were reading between the lines.
The 3rd time we went back to her place really late after a concert and a dinner. I had always talked about how I loved giving massages, all that jazz. She ate that up. We fooled around, had our fun--great stuff. But never oral or intercourse. We both woke up in the morning, had great conversation. she mentioned that she kinda liked that we were going slow. She said she didn't know if she wanted to go faster.
Eventually we asked what were we...she told me she hadn't put me in her friend category yet.. I told her the same.
We had always discussed and had concerns about how long I'd be staying in the city. would I come back..for how long. She often hinted at us just staying friends..she has long said that she didnt want to lose a friendship with a foreigner such as me, because she didnt connect with somebody the way she did and for as long as she did with me. She also said (and this may be just girl speak) that she’s not self confident enough and she’d find some way to screw it up with me..and lose me.
The 4th time sleeping over at her place pretty much the same stuff happened, but I just couldn't go through with it. She was on top, shirt off, grinding against me, everything was headed (no pun intended) in right direction…
I had developed more feelings for her emotionally (and I'll admit, as a close friend) and in the back of my mind, I really wasn't sure I'd find good work in this city and decide to come back. I didn't want to begin a sexual relationship with her and then a month later disappear, maybe never to appear again. Breaking her heart...I never wanted to do that to her. All I wanted to do was be patient..
So, she understood that (but at the same time, , but also she was SHOCKED that after two times (probably 4 times in her book) I didnt take over and go for her. Sure, I'm still SHOCKED about it to this day...like what the hell was I thinking? But we talked about it..and seemed to come to a consensus that patience was ok.
The downsides to her were strong though...
There was definitely a several week phase where she put me into the boyfriend category (trail run). She called me a few times real late at night, saying she needed to hear my voice (clingy), wanting to talk etc. We always had differing views on money. Of course, the huge culture differences thing..can’t forget about that. Chinese girls typically date for marriage and are pressured by their parents to get married fast and to older wealth.
She was really great at saying and doing some of the nicest things..telling me numerous times I'm the type of guy she would want to be serious with. She was always telling and showing me new places around the city, making plans. It was a great 50-50 initiation.
SHOULDA SAW IT COMING
Soon after that 4th time staying over at her apartment (2nd time actually messing around) she tells me we should just be friends, see each other once a week for dinner -etc. She reiterated her past concern about not being confident enough..yada yada. I was hurt. But not as bad as I would be later on...
Well, that happened a just a few weeks before I was to return to the States for a while before my job started. Being away for nearly a month made me pretty much get over her.
THE BAD
When I came back to the city to start my job, I saw her a few times in the first two weeks I was back.. and my feelings for her returned. I made a mistake, and told her (pretty much still knowing she didn't want a relationship with me) that I began to feel something for her again. She told me she didn't see me in that way, and that I needed to get over it*. That was a little more than 3 weeks ago....
THE ****BAD
*She goes on to tell me that she only really ever thought of me as a close friend..and that she still wasn't entirely over her prior BF (who she told me looks a lot like me)...so all this time she was leading me on, kind of playing me. She now says she wants a quite a bit older, already established guy to “take care of me”. Sure, not surprising especially since she’s Chinese and the girls tend to look toward men 8-15 years older, generally. At any rate..once it sunk in, I was quite hurt. Either she's lying by saying she never considered me for anything more, or that she's actually telling the truth and just led me on.
THE GOOD
It’s been more than 3 weeks and no contact has been made ( I never told her I'm not contacting her..we just haven't had any contact). I’m a little surprised she hasn’t texted me saying something like, “you still alive?”, or some ****.
BECAUSE MY MIND IS WEIRD
Maybe I'm totally wrong on this, but maybe she was just interested in me for the sex, (more like FWB's) being that we were attracted to each other and always had chemistry. Once I rejected it twice, well, that was that.
WHAT NOW
The thing is, I’m sure she will contact me in a few days..her birthday is in the late teens of this month, and there’s a gathering that will be going on I’m sure. On one level it’s great because I’ll get to meet some of her girl-friends who I have seen pics of..and they aren’t too shabby. I’ve known her for about 5 and a half months and have never really met more than one of her girl-friends. I know she has some.
Though, on the other level, I’m not sure how I will react if I do join. Not sure if that will set me back...because currently I still have some feelings for her..but they are WANING..it just takes some more time. I’m meeting new people, spending time with people I’m already friends with..it really does speed up the process.
Of course, there's a dilemma because I don't want to reply..but I am in the situation of not wanting to forsake an international friendship that was awesome from the very beginning…even if she did lead me on, play me, whatever.
I don't want her to think negatively of me by ignoring her. I think she's actually the type of person that I can can keep in contact with for a lifetime and hold a friendship and genuinely not have any feelings for. I can't stress it enough, we get along great and talk about just about everything..she's a down to earth girl and pretty chill and fun, especially in groups. I always think to myself..maybe she led me on..but not on purpose. I think I'm giving her too much credit though..I don't think she is that naive. She's aware of what she did.
QUESTIONS, FINALLY
When I do speak to her again, whenever that may be, I have to tell her what she did was BS, and I will tell her I lost respect for her in some ways. Sure, I'm at fault a bit for falling for it..but she should have been more honest upfront.
Maybe we were never meant to be a couple (I'm sure I know this now), but we both put a lot of effort in and had a lot of fun with each other. SO, should I tell her when I see her next that if she only saw me as a friend, why did she do the things she did? When she does contact me, how long should I wait until I respond?
SAPPY ****
I dont want her to become a person that I used to know, and I can say that honestly because my feelings for her are quickly waning. The friendship bond is still there (or so I think..)
Give it to me straight if any of ya are still reading, whaddya think?