My Girlfriend Just Told Me She "Cares" For Her Ex-Boyfriend -- What Should I Do?

[BGC]

My girlfriend of about seven months just dropped a bomb on me. She told me she still "cares" for her ex. (I dropped the bomb on her that she's my first girlfriend, then she dropped this.)

Here are the facts (as she told them).

* They were together 2 years.

* They broke up 4 years ago.

* He broke it off by walking out of her place, but he said as he left, "Let's just say it's not over." (Whatever the fukk that means.)

* They've kept in touch for these four years. By her estimates, they talked about five or six times a year.

* She told me she didn't see anyone for a long time because he said "let's just say it's not over."

* She said she waited for him to kind of say he wanted her back, but he never did. I pressed her on this, and she said she would have gone back to him.

* And then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."

* She said they have not had sex since they broke up four years ago.

* She said a little less than a year ago, they met and had breakfast.

* She also said he called her TWO DAYS AGO. She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him." So then they hung up. But she said he called back and said, "No hard feelings, right." And she said no.

So what should I do, guys?

I almost demanded right then and there that she have no further contact with him.

But I wanted to check and see what the consensus was here first.

Because she is my first girlfriend, I don't know the answer to this question: IS IT REASONABLE TO DEMAND THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?

People who have had girlfriends before, please respond.

I did tell her that she had to choose between me and him, and she said, but I don't look at him like that.

But I wanted to DEMAND that she not talk to him or see him.

Should I?

I appreciate any replies. I'm really an unsure of what to do.

--BGC

------------------
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 06-01-2001).]

 

[Don_090]

assure her thoughts that he's up to no good and only wants to screw her, aleinate him out of her miond the best you can, make her glad she's with you and not him,

If you DEMAND her to stop seeing him she will not, and she'll be pissed at you for being so INSENSITIVE and CONTROLLING, leading to the end of your relationship, and you know exectly who'll take your place, do this with charm and smoothness, the rest of the guys can probaboly say more, outta here my man, and good luck, oh, and kick his ass for me,

------------------
The greatest barrier to achievement or success is not lack of talent or ability but rather, the fact that achievement and success, beyond a certain level, are outside our self-concept - our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.
The greatest barrier to love is the secret fear that we are unlovable. The greatest barrier to happiness is the wordless sense that happinessis not our proper destiny.

- Nathaniel Branden.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me? - Jack Handey

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions."
- Mahfouz, Naguib

Those who seek to achieve things should show no mercy – Kautilyn

Jestes dziwna dziewczyna, idz na drzewo

 

[Albion]

Tough one...

On one hand you can't tell her never to see him again. She'll look at you as being controlling and like Don said may lead to a break up. On the other hand she may be schlepping him on the side. What to do, what to do.

This has to be a test. Women know that once they say something like this and bring out the jealousy demon he doesn't go away until the other person is out of the picture. I am almost positive she wants to see what your response is and whether it's safe to take your relationship to the next level.

If this is the case I would just be there for her. She's a big girl and can make up her own mind. Tell her, "You know I love you and will always be there for you. I completely trust you and know you will make the right choice no matter what it is." With these two sentences you show that you trust her, love her, and are willing to let her make up her own mind about things. She will respect you for that and hopefully you pass the test.

-al

 

[Don_Juanabe]

After my ex dumped me I told her that while she and I were together she should not have been hanging out on occasion with the guy she dated before me, which she had been doing on occasion, because she was not over him. Her response was to tell me that she didn't like that I was telling her that she was doing something wrong. Duh, no shyt. She didn't like being made to feel guilty. Your g-friend is not over her ex. As we have had beaten into us on this board, challenge is a major turn-on to chicks. Your g-friend sees much more challenge in her ex than in you, because she loved him yet he ended their relationship. She wants to know that she is worthy in his eyes; she wants the challenge of getting him back, and has wanted that for years. She already has you, you present far less challenge. Part of me wants my ex back because I want the challenge of rekindling our relationship and of not doing things that I did before. If you confront her you will create negative feelings -- and since you will be the source of those feelings you will eventually regret it. Let's be honest -- you are with her, but her heart is with her ex, regardless of what she SAYS. My advice is for you to grab your heart back from her, view her OBJECTIVELY at all times, if you are emotionally tied to her undo those ties. Be busy for the next week or two and decrease the amount of time you are with her or communicating with her. If she misses you then she will pine for you. If she doesn't and uses your absence as an excuse to see her ex then you never had a chance anyway. But I am telling you to take heed right now. Be very calm, unemotional, cool. Any show of emotions, whether angry or sappy, will only make you worse off. You need to be a challenge without actually doing/saying anything.

DJBe

 

[locrian]

Listen to your gut! It's your friend who never lies!

Originally posted by BGC:

* And then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."

Oh come on, how many ways are there for a woman to "care for" someone (especially an ex she's carrying the flame for)? When a woman says she "cares for" someone it only means one thing and it means exactly what you think it means. Listen to your gut, man.

Because she is my first girlfriend, I don't know the answer to this question: IS IT REASONABLE TO DEMAND THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?

In this case, I wouldn't demand she stop all contact. Making demands is not cool. But I'd let her know that she needs to choose between you and him (which you did - good job)

I did tell her that she had to choose between me and him, and she said, but I don't look at him like that.

She doesn't look at him like what? Like an ex boyfriend who's been calling her, who she's admitted she would go back to? Notice how she didn't choose for you. She gave you the run-around. Based solely on what you've told us, this guy is very much "like that" he is potential dating material as far as your GF is concerned.

She needs to know that you value your relationship with her BUT that her pining away for her ex boyfriend is unacceptable behaviour. She needs to know that you can and will walk if she insists on pining for her ex. This is crap you don't have to put up with.

This means she can't
- tell you she still cares for him
- meet him for breakfast just the two of them
- be waiting for him to ask her back

but she can
- talk to him on the phone *occasionally*

Albion, usually I'm with you, and I'm with you in your last post up until the "you know I love you..." part. Maybe this is just a style thing, but I'd be more aggressive, as in "Look, you can talk to whoever you want, I don't mind. But I do mind you pining away for your ex. I value our relationship, and if you value our relationship, we won't have to talk about this again."

Admittedly this IS a tough one, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone else' opinion.

 

[wutang180]

My girlfriend of about seven months just dropped a bomb on me. She told me she still "cares" for her ex.

Oh oh do i smell competition

Here are the facts (as she told them).

* They were together 2 years.

* They broke up 4 years ago.

* He broke it off by walking out of her place, but he said as he left, "Let's just say it's not over." (Whatever the fukk that means.)

He probably was banging alot of chicks before her.If this was the only chick that he was banging, he would not walk out on her like that.

They've kept in touch for these four years. By her estimates, they talked about five or six times a year.

Of course, they don't talk about 5 to 6 times a year. Maybe 5 or 6 times a month but not 5 or 6 times a year. He wants to make sure that he has some easy pus*sy on the side

She told me she didn't see anyone for a long time because he said "let's just say it's not over."

She is head over heals for him and would definately get back together with him if he asked.

I pressed her on and she said she would have gone back to him.

She is whipped.

then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."

She is such a bull****er


She also said he called her TWO DAYS AGO. She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him." So then they hung up. But she said he called back and said, "No hard feelings, right." And she said no.

What type of disrespectful stuff is that. He told her that he wants to **** her eventhough he knows that you two are going out. Did she tell you that she was offended when he said that. "I don't think it would be fair for him" is this all that she said? She didn't curse this son of a ***** off.

So what should I do, guys?[/QUOTE]
This is a catch 22. I think that if you tell her not to have any futhur contact with him this might make her want him more and probably not tell you about this situation. If you don't do nothing about this situation, you are basically giving her a 'get sex free pass' . With time love builds. So you have to figure out some way for her to want you more to forget about this guy. She is obssesed with this guy. You know it and all of the DJ's know it. They haven't been together in about 4 years and she still wants hi. If i were you just speak to her more about this situation and you two have to compromise on this subject.

------------------
"the only risk that u take in life is not taking any risk at all"
( http://i.am/thesource )

 

[Peak]

I'd say the best tactic is to treat her exactly how he treated her. Most girls are very weak to guys walking out on them cold. So at the end of the day she either forgets that guy or you leave her, cold. Don't get angry...you have to be cool and justt simply say it's over. In the mean time get yourself another chick to bonk.

Later.

 

[Surfboard]

She told me she still "cares" for her ex. (I dropped the bomb on her that she's my first girlfriend, then she dropped this.)

Why the heck would she tell you that after you just told her she's your first girlfriend?

Maybe she said that to hint to you not to get too attached to her, because she still has feelings for her ex.

She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him."

Maybe she did tell him this to make him jealous.

Then again, it could be some kind of test.

I'd say the safest route would be to treat this as some kind of test. Albion's advice sounds pretty good, but don't let her pull that shyt again.

Who knows?

 

[Man Of Adventure]

Does that not say she likes to play games with people.She wants her ex to say he wants her.It still seems that it really wont be over.Shes talking about her ex here.Shes reekin her thought of her ex on ya.Just tell her that you can care for him as much as you want.Dont give a ****.If she pulls any **** by some chance or you think that for some reason,leave her or youre gonna be emotionally damaged bad.Dont wanna end up as a nice guy dont wanna put up with it.

------------------
Us MEN have got to win our battles somehow....
or those feminine guys with tits will take over us...

 

[Albion]

Originally posted by Peak:
I'd say the best tactic is to treat her exactly how he treated her. Most girls are very weak to guys walking out on them cold. So at the end of the day she either forgets that guy or you leave her, cold. Don't get angry...you have to be cool and justt simply say it's over. In the mean time get yourself another chick to bonk.

Later.

Peak, you have a point there.

-al

 

[BGC]

Thanks for all the replies, guys.

I'm sitting in the library here ready to puke.

Everyone is right on this (including me): She was in love with him and still probably loves him.

Yesterday something new happened since the original post.

On the phone with her, I asked her whether she lied to her ex-boyfriend about him being her first boyfriend (she says he was her first boyfriend).

And then she said, "Oh no, I never had to lie. He never asked." Short pause, then she said kind of fondly, "He was a rare bird."

It almost made me sick on the phone.

Then I said, "I'm glad you've opened up to me, but I really don't want to hear about him."

Then I said, "I don't give two ****s about him."

And then there was a long pause. And I was determined to sit there for ten minutes until she said something.

So after about seven seconds, she said, "Are you angry?"

And I said no.

Then we hung up. I went to the gym

When I got back, she'd left a message.

She said, in as many words, it seemed like you were angry about me mentioning my ex, and I just want to say he's not important in my life, you're important in my life, etc. And she said you can call me tonight if you want.

I didn't call.

And one other thing she said, yesterday, during the initial conversation in which she admitted she "still" cares for her ex.

She said that when I told her she was my first girlfriend, she was disappointed because she figured then that we it "would eventually end." She said that because I'd want to sow my oats, we wouldn't go long term. And she then said, well girls don't really say this, but you know we think long term, and so I don't think you'd think of your first girlfriend as someone you'd marry and have kids with. (I said I wouldn't rule it out.)

Then she said that since I plan to go into politics, she was thinking that if she became my wife she'd have to get into politics too.

So she is into me.

But still I think she's still way into her ex.

So shhit. We're supposed to be seeing a movie tonight, and I'm supposed to be calling her and telling her when to come over.

But I feel sick to my stomach because I believe it in my gut that she's still way into him.

I'm actually torn right here between crying and between throwing a rage right in the library...

Anyways, thanks for the replies, guys. I don't know what I'm going to do.

--BGC

------------------
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 06-02-2001).]

 

[Monkey]

Why not tell her you need some space?

I'd say "lets have some time apart to think about whats important in our lives"

If shes interested in this ex then she'll use this time to try to get back with him (and if she does you KNOW shes not worth your time) and also you can evaluate whether you want to be second best.

BGC - DONT YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST BOYFRIEND A GIRL HAS HAD??? It is possible, but staying around someone who doesnt think so is always going to end in pain - you will always feel down about yourself - not what you need in a relationship.

Also shes proved she doesnt respect you by continuing to come out with all this hype about her ex!

Try some time apart for her and YOU to sort your minds and feeling out.

------------------
Nice guys wait - GOOD GUYS DATE!

'You know women mate, like monkeys they are, won't let go of one branch till they get a grip on the next.'

 

[NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER]

BGC,
Do u love her combined with being in love with her, or not?

And what possessed u to tell her she was your first gf?

BGC, just my analysis, no disrespect, but earlier this year u seemed on top of your game--WHAT THE FLUCK HAPPENED?

Also some general advice about your situation. I remember u mentioning something about her saying to u that u cant boss her around when she was being bittchy, so dont boss her around and tell her what to do or u just lower yourself more in her eyes. U would look insecure.

Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.

Keep us posted. Your situations r very good examples for the rest of the board. Good luck. Also stay calm if and when she talks about that guy again. Dont act like it phased u.

 

[BGC]

Originally posted by NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER:
BGC,
Do u love her combined with being in love with her, or not?

And what possessed u to tell her she was your first gf?

BGC, just my analysis, no disrespect, but earlier this year u seemed on top of your game--WHAT THE FLUCK HAPPENED?

Also some general advice about your situation. I remember u mentioning something about her saying to u that u cant boss her around when she was being bittchy, so dont boss her around and tell her what to do or u just lower yourself more in her eyes. U would look insecure.

Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.

Keep us posted. Your situations r very good examples for the rest of the board. Good luck. Also stay calm if and when she talks about that guy again. Dont act like it phased u.

I'm at the "toppest" of my game I've ever been. See, my whole goal for so long was to have a girlfriend -- and I've done that.

So no matter what happens, I've succeeded in a great way.

She's never said, "I love you," or "I'm in love with you," or any other variation. (And so obviously I haven't either.)

What she has said, A FUKKING LOT, is things like, "I love it when you do..." "I love how your hair how it..." "I love the way you touch my hair..."

But she hasn't yet said she's in love with me, or she loves me.

I'm not sure how that particular event goes down.

Does a chick just say, "I have something to tell you. I'm in love with you" ?



------------------
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

 

[Peak]

Originally posted by BGC:


Does a chick just say, "I have something to tell you. I'm in love with you" ?

Naaah...usually it happens when say you have given them a wild night and you suddenly have to leave for work or something like that.
It can also happen when they think they are going to lose you for good. When she says it she knows then that she has totally given in to you and she'll do anything for you, your chick sounds like she may be close to saying it, she just has to be a little scared that she is going to lose you...Ithink that'lll solve the ex problem and the I Love you problem.

 

[Man Of Adventure]

Hey Ive only had a G friend a long time ago back in 6th grade.I know she was supposed to be precious cuz shes your first g friend.I didnt know what to think.I just had to tell myself she was precious.I mean..**** youre bound to make mistakes.I supposedly said something sexual about her to a friend...and bam there goes the relationship.LOL..it was probably for the better.She would have probably done more damage if I stayed with her any longer.Im actually glad she got fed up..cuz i was such a jerk/nice guy back then.Well youre probably grown up having your first relationship while I am a just graduated freshman in HS.I truely think this girl is more worry than love to you.If you care about the ex thing still...tell her to leave.You definately need to go and have more woman experiences.Help you put on a DJ face

Hell I need to myself.I bet every guy needs to except those nice guys and those men who have already married with a great relationship or a guy with a great relationship.Do you consider your relationship magnificient and healthy,because I dont think it is.Its hurting you and you gotta end the pain before she dumps you and goes after her ex.I mean she barely sees him at all...drive her wild.Ya get where im going.

------------------
Us MEN have got to win our battles somehow....
or those feminine guys with tits will take over us...

 

[stuartSan]

I used to make EVERY SINGLE mistake from the book. I was the first one to say I love you.. I was acting desperate always.. like saying.. "You know I need you so much.. I can't have you away from me.. even for a moment in my life" and all that crap. I used to be shy. I used to treat her so nice.. her a$$ would grow flowers. She also told me that she missed the way her ex loved her.. and she said these words too. "I don't miss him.. I just miss the way he loved me". (I was on a rebound and so was she)

That was only 4 months ago and I can't believe how stupid I was. When she was telling me all that bullsh1t.. me.. being a niceguy.. listened to her every single whine.. telling her not to be sad, and stuff. So in other terms I was pushing myself into the friend zone. I got dumped. I didn't understand women. So confused.. I searched all over the internet.. just to know whats wrong with me (Out of 7 relationships.. I got dumped 5 times.. and the other 2 didn't really show pain when I ended the relationship)

I've had another relationship when I was jealous.. because we went to a dance club together.. and she wanted to meet her online friends.. that she never seen before. She met up with them.. and 5 mins after talking with them.. she just sat with them and had their drinks.. leaving me alone in my seat with my own friends. She was there for like.. 1 hour or so.. kinda forgot. But it doesn't matter. I showed jealousy.. I was angry.. she came back and my friend said "Hey I think Stuart's pissed at you." She came over and started talking to me and stuff.. I just showed anger and refused to even look at her. She continued laughing and stuff.. like it was a joke (and it was.. anyways) so that pissed me off even more. I was totally ignoring her.. and she wanted to hug me and stuff I just pushed her away. She got pissed and walked out. I don't know why.. but we made out that night after what happened. After that night.. our relationship drifted apart.. and guess what? She dumped me.

Now.. based on my learning experience.. I only have one thing to tell you, BGC. You show jealousy by kicking this guys ass/scolding & demanding her.. you get trouble. You ask her to tell you about him.. and how she feels.. trying to cheer her up.. you get trouble. Try setting up your own rules. Say something like.. "I don't wanna know what you feel for your ex. The only thing that matters is wether or not you appreciate me. If you don't.. we can end it now.. if you do.. maybe things might work out. But either way.. I won't tolerate any disrespect and I hope you understand."

I'm sorry my english/grammar isn't that good so I can't think of a better sentence.. but I think you get the idea.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[stuartSan]

Things I forgot to mention..

Her online friends were like.. 6-7(in terms of quantity/not quality) guys. Imagine.. 6-7 guys surrounding my chick trying to hit her and drowning her with drinks. That really made me feel ****ty and I was so totally obsessed about why she did that.. and etc. Now I just found out that ignorance is bliss. Uhh.. I don't know why I'm adding craps to this thread neways.. I think I should go now. Bye

 

[Aztec]

We feel your pain, man! Experiences like the one you're having now could cloud your DJ intuitions and judgment. Analyze this dilemma objectively. Take a good look at stuartSan's advice:

"I don't wanna know what you feel for your ex. The only thing that matters is whether
or not you appreciate me. If you don't.. we can end it now.. if you do.. maybe things might work out. But either way.. I won't tolerate any disrespect and I hope you understand."


Good Luck!!


[This message has been edited by Aztec (edited 01-19-2002).]

 

[ACTION]

Originally posted by NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER:
BGC,
Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.

As one of my boys says, "Don't go away mad, just go away!" That's your line of the day, BGC.

ANYONE, guys or girl, who talks about an ex that much is being VERY disrespectful. Believe me, I've done it (yeah, quite manipulative) so I know it's a dis.