My Girlfriend Just Told Me She "Cares" For Her Ex-Boyfriend -- What Should I Do?
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dorian_gray-from.usa
Senior Don Juan
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POINT THERE IS NOT A SET PATTERN FOR
SUCCESS IN LIFE.... sO IN IN THE END TRUST
THAT LITTLE dj IN YOUR tummy!
got it?
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dorian_gray-from.usa
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2000
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- 254
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POINT THERE IS NOT A SET PATTERN FOR
SUCCESS IN LIFE.... sO IN IN THE END TRUST
THAT LITTLE dj IN YOUR tummy!
got it?
*******************
Going into politics? I hope it is not the
fukked up socialism that George B. SHAW
promoted in his "fabian" society.
Promoting less freedom, more state control
and that will give us a better living??
IF thats the case then the UK should be the
richest and most powerfull in the world not
THE U.S.A.!!!!!!
end of rant ---> think, trust your inner DJ!!
Deagleclaw
Master Don Juan
Well,
there have been numerous replies to this post and I doubt you'll read through enough responses to finally get all the way down here for my opinion, but here it is.
You have a bad situation here. She wants him bad. I can pretty much guarantee if he said he wanted to sleep with her, she wouldn't go for it, but if he said he wanted to get back together... you'd get the short end of the stick. You can't forbid her to talk to him, you can't tell her what to do. Let her know that you do not tolerate divided affection. She'll say she doesn't think of him that way anymore. Tell her it doesn't matter. She is Your girlfriend now... he had his chance, and he should go out and get his own girl. Women do not understand guys the way guys do.
You KNOW he's trying to get in her pants again. Of course this is gonna make you possessive? If it didn't you wouldn't be a man. She is Your girl now. He can get his own. I'd explain it to her in these terms. You bought a car off a guy, but that guy still has an old set of keys... and lately he's been hovering around the car again... The hell are you supposed to think? Of course he's thinking of stealing it, and whether it's for a joy ride or whether he really wants it back doesn't matter.
Dude, I'm afraid you're going to have to give an ultimatum here. She ceases contact with him, if he initiates a call she tells him not to call anymore, if he persists YOU tell him not to call anymore, if he continues, burn his house down. Just kidding. She has to know that in order to stay with you, she has to have NO contact with this guy.
She'll probably give you a "He's a part of my life" speech, which is where you say "And that part's over, move on or move out. I don't need the drama."
Later,
Deagleclaw out
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No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)
there have been numerous replies to this post and I doubt you'll read through enough responses to finally get all the way down here for my opinion, but here it is.
You have a bad situation here. She wants him bad. I can pretty much guarantee if he said he wanted to sleep with her, she wouldn't go for it, but if he said he wanted to get back together... you'd get the short end of the stick. You can't forbid her to talk to him, you can't tell her what to do. Let her know that you do not tolerate divided affection. She'll say she doesn't think of him that way anymore. Tell her it doesn't matter. She is Your girlfriend now... he had his chance, and he should go out and get his own girl. Women do not understand guys the way guys do.
You KNOW he's trying to get in her pants again. Of course this is gonna make you possessive? If it didn't you wouldn't be a man. She is Your girl now. He can get his own. I'd explain it to her in these terms. You bought a car off a guy, but that guy still has an old set of keys... and lately he's been hovering around the car again... The hell are you supposed to think? Of course he's thinking of stealing it, and whether it's for a joy ride or whether he really wants it back doesn't matter.
Dude, I'm afraid you're going to have to give an ultimatum here. She ceases contact with him, if he initiates a call she tells him not to call anymore, if he persists YOU tell him not to call anymore, if he continues, burn his house down. Just kidding. She has to know that in order to stay with you, she has to have NO contact with this guy.
She'll probably give you a "He's a part of my life" speech, which is where you say "And that part's over, move on or move out. I don't need the drama."
Later,
Deagleclaw out
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No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)
BGC
Master Don Juan
Deagleclaw,
I'll read through a million and one replies to my problem -- and when I get to one as insightful as yours, believe me, I'll pay double the attention.
Unfortunately, I just don't know about the big question that you bring up:
If he wanted to sleep with her, she'd say no. (She told me she has said no, he tried in the beginning after they broke up to get some sex from her.)
But the big question is, if he came back wanting a relationship what would she do?
She swears up and down that she's not sexually attracted to him, that she's like a mother to him, and she called him a loser, a guy who was totally wrong for her, a guy who doesn't compare in any way to me, etc.
But yet she insists she "cares" for him. She says, "I care for him. He's a human being!"
(That line alone makes me suspicious. He's a human being? What the fukk?)
Then -- I don't know if I mentioned this before -- she told me that she didn't see anyone for like a full year because he "stringed her along."
Stringed her along? To get stringed along, you really, REALLY have to be into someone, right?
And so he called her last week.
And I just learned yesterday that he showed up at a social event that we were at and I guess just missed us, a social event involving their circle of friends, which is kind of mutual.
So I guess I'm now considerng reversing my position again and demanding no contact.
Does anyone have any further thoughts on this. Even if you've replied already. I'm really, really FUKKING confused by this, and I don't want to blow a good thing, and yet I don't to do the wrong thing. Damn!
--BGC
Here's my view,
You say they broke up 4 years ago. Then she really should be over him by now. However the fact that he showed up at a social event that you were both at suggests that now that he's found out she's got someone new (you) he's jealous, and maybe wants her back.
She says she isn't sexually attracted to him, that she's like a mother to him, and she's been consistent in saying this, suggesting MAYBE the attraction between them is all one-sided, although she was hung up on him for a long time.
I guess it comes down to this:
Do you still want to be with her?
I don't think you can really demand no contact - ultimatums have a habit of blowing up in your face, although you can make it clear that you aren't happy about it and that you don't think it is fair to you. Tell her she should make up her mind who is really important to her.
It's a tough situation you're in. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
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Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it
You say they broke up 4 years ago. Then she really should be over him by now. However the fact that he showed up at a social event that you were both at suggests that now that he's found out she's got someone new (you) he's jealous, and maybe wants her back.
She says she isn't sexually attracted to him, that she's like a mother to him, and she's been consistent in saying this, suggesting MAYBE the attraction between them is all one-sided, although she was hung up on him for a long time.
I guess it comes down to this:
Do you still want to be with her?
I don't think you can really demand no contact - ultimatums have a habit of blowing up in your face, although you can make it clear that you aren't happy about it and that you don't think it is fair to you. Tell her she should make up her mind who is really important to her.
It's a tough situation you're in. Sorry I couldn't be more help.
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Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it
Deagleclaw
Master Don Juan
Hey,
Good to see you read my reply.
Fact: He is trying to sleep with her. Why else would he bother? How often do you contact ex girlfriends unless you really wanna f*ck em again? Exactly.
Therefore he's the enemy. But he's got background, and she harbours *HOPE*. That "of course I care for him, he's a human being." thing is a load of crap. She is still a little bit in love with him. Fact o' the matter is, that if she doesn't respect the fact that you don't want her to have any contact with this ex then she doesn't respect you.
She fully believes that she'd never desert you to go back to him. Because she's thinking... not feeling. If he works the game, she'll be feeling, not thinking.
Exes do not belong in the picture. You need to find a way to enforce it. He's treading on YOUR territory now. It's your job to protect it. Show her how big a deal it is. Reverse it on her. See how she'd like it. If she says... "but I trust you and know you wouldn't do anything like that." you just smile coldly and say "Wouldn't I? What if it 'Just sort of happened... we got drunk or something.'" Arouse jealosy commin out of her ass, get her super mad at you for something you haven't even THOUGHT of doing. Then flip it back on her, explain that you just let her know how you're feeling by making her feel it, cuz she just wasn't getting it.
Get her REALLY REALLY pissed at you, just the thought of you with another woman should make her cry and throw sh*t... "It COULD happen" and that's what you are trying to avoid with her situation.
hope that helps.
Oh and don't be afraid to go toe to toe with the other guy. He'll back down totally if he's innocent, if he gets in your face it's cuz he percieves you as his enemy. That's when you break his noze, kick him in the balls, punch him in the side of the head, then knee him in the forhead.
Deagleclaw out
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No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)
Good to see you read my reply.
Fact: He is trying to sleep with her. Why else would he bother? How often do you contact ex girlfriends unless you really wanna f*ck em again? Exactly.
Therefore he's the enemy. But he's got background, and she harbours *HOPE*. That "of course I care for him, he's a human being." thing is a load of crap. She is still a little bit in love with him. Fact o' the matter is, that if she doesn't respect the fact that you don't want her to have any contact with this ex then she doesn't respect you.
She fully believes that she'd never desert you to go back to him. Because she's thinking... not feeling. If he works the game, she'll be feeling, not thinking.
Exes do not belong in the picture. You need to find a way to enforce it. He's treading on YOUR territory now. It's your job to protect it. Show her how big a deal it is. Reverse it on her. See how she'd like it. If she says... "but I trust you and know you wouldn't do anything like that." you just smile coldly and say "Wouldn't I? What if it 'Just sort of happened... we got drunk or something.'" Arouse jealosy commin out of her ass, get her super mad at you for something you haven't even THOUGHT of doing. Then flip it back on her, explain that you just let her know how you're feeling by making her feel it, cuz she just wasn't getting it.
Get her REALLY REALLY pissed at you, just the thought of you with another woman should make her cry and throw sh*t... "It COULD happen" and that's what you are trying to avoid with her situation.
hope that helps.
Oh and don't be afraid to go toe to toe with the other guy. He'll back down totally if he's innocent, if he gets in your face it's cuz he percieves you as his enemy. That's when you break his noze, kick him in the balls, punch him in the side of the head, then knee him in the forhead.
Deagleclaw out
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No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)
maranathaman
Master Don Juan
I wouldn't throw a tamtrum and demand she not see him anymore, because she will do whatever she wants. BUT, I WOULD say something like: "You are a big girl now, you are entitled to do whatever you want, however, know this! that there WILL be consequences to your actions! If you mess around with other guys, I will walk! I want a gf who is NOT trying to see how much she can get away with as you are doing, but instead I want a gf who wants to get as close to ME as she can, and girlie, right now you are skating on thin ice!" She has to know that you demand RESPECT. If she insists on trying to get away with flirting with this or any other guy, then the consequence is that you will have no problem finding a girl who can be loyal instead of an untrustworthy be-acth like her. Maranathaman has spoken!
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"Please remember to use the "SEARCH" function in this Forum on the topic you have questions about before asking,
because it most likely has been answered already! Thank-You!"
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"Please remember to use the "SEARCH" function in this Forum on the topic you have questions about before asking,
because it most likely has been answered already! Thank-You!"
Don_Juanabe
Senior Don Juan
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BGC,
Regardless of his intent, her intent, or your intent, there is way too much drama and resentment in your relationship. Honestly, I don't think it will last much longer -- one of you is going to end it. If she eventually tells you she will no longer communicate with him will you believe her? What if they run in to each other incidentally a month from now? She has feelings of love, loss, and challenge toward him, and you have feelings of control, anger, and suspicion toward her. When a relationship becomes filled with this kind of crap it is permanently injured. I don't believe you have any right to control her or order her around -- she is an autonomous person. But the point is you are not happy, and relationships are about being happy. Tell her in no uncertain terms how guys think, what they do, and that bothers you with respect to her. Her resulting behavior will tell you where her feelings lay -- if she had stronger feelings for you than for him would she hang out with him knowing you don't like it? No, she would not. So simply suggest what I said, and if she doesn't tell you that she won't have anything to do with him, walk away and find yourself a relationship without ghost of the past etc. You don't need it, and you don't want it. Think about YOU, don't think about her.
DJBe
Regardless of his intent, her intent, or your intent, there is way too much drama and resentment in your relationship. Honestly, I don't think it will last much longer -- one of you is going to end it. If she eventually tells you she will no longer communicate with him will you believe her? What if they run in to each other incidentally a month from now? She has feelings of love, loss, and challenge toward him, and you have feelings of control, anger, and suspicion toward her. When a relationship becomes filled with this kind of crap it is permanently injured. I don't believe you have any right to control her or order her around -- she is an autonomous person. But the point is you are not happy, and relationships are about being happy. Tell her in no uncertain terms how guys think, what they do, and that bothers you with respect to her. Her resulting behavior will tell you where her feelings lay -- if she had stronger feelings for you than for him would she hang out with him knowing you don't like it? No, she would not. So simply suggest what I said, and if she doesn't tell you that she won't have anything to do with him, walk away and find yourself a relationship without ghost of the past etc. You don't need it, and you don't want it. Think about YOU, don't think about her.
DJBe
Aztec
Master Don Juan
While or after you and your woman take a break from each other for this specific situation, should the man call the woman first? And how long before you could say "It's over"? I mean let's say you told your girl that she has to think hard about who to choose between her ex and you, by telling her it's better for you to be apart for a while, for her to do some serious reflection (because you wont tolerate this crap). How long do you wait to realize that she is, or she is not, worth your time?
SoSuave.com
Administrator
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dutchie
Senior Don Juan
I have been in the exact situation a couple of times. And trust me, if you have to talk to her about it more than 3 times, or it drags on (him calling, etc) then you can be pretty much sure that he is in her mind more than just when he calls. If she really, really, really, cared about a future with you..or was totally sure of what she wanted, he wouldn't be an issue, you wouldn't have to talk about it more than once, and it most likely wouldn't bother you. Some others made a comment about your gut. Listen to it.
Aztec
Master Don Juan
I've been searching for this thread for a long time. I remember replying to it. ONE OF THE BEST DISCUSSION!
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"Don't think you are, you know you are."
-Morpheus-
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"Don't think you are, you know you are."
-Morpheus-
Aztec
Master Don Juan
If there's one thing that is the most memorable post that had an impact in my DJ explores, this would be it.
In my last relationship, I used this line and it absolutely shocked her because I'm the type of guy who keeps it to himself. So when I said this she was blindsided big time.
Of course it work on my favor, table was turned and she chased me love-crazed stalker.
Try walking on his shoes for a minute and read her responses from his point of view.. are they entirely positive or are they wishy washy? If you were him and say you were actually trying to get back in her pants.. do you think she would give in? Make sure you look at it from an objective view, you might be too close to the situation to make a wise judgment.
I have ex's. I care about them as much as I care about any other human being, no more no less. This however, doesnt mean I'm still "a lil' in love with them in the back of my head.."
She can still care about someone and not be interested in them. Doing this however, takes a bit of maturity and it's a bit of maturity most women don't have although they might. Remember that women are sentimental creatures and.. as such are more RE-ACTIVE than proactive. That is why they don't think too much about what they do but rather just do what their heart tells them.
i dont think you have enough to work with here. Why dont you go ahead and find out what she's up to? she's never going to tell you EXACTLY what is going on, how she is feeling and what her near-future plans are....
What would I do if I was you?
I'm clear cut. If I sense that she is not respecting me the way I expect a woman that is with me, sleeping with me and consuming my time, then I let her know how she is pushing buttons and pushing her luck. Afterall you are in a relationship and she needs to realize that. You have feelings just like she does. Tell her these things so that she knows that you care about the relationship(otherwise you wouldnt be reasoning these things out...) but you are not an emotional tampon to be dealing with all that drama and disrespect. Tell her you not liking the fact that she keeps constant contact with him is not jealously but a matter of respecting YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
If she doesnt want to get back with him - and he keeps trying - he is just going to pester her and he'll be diggin' his own grave. If you can make sure somehow, that she doesnt want him then let him dig his own grave. Otherwise you might need to put a foot out the door and make sure she notices....
I have ex's. I care about them as much as I care about any other human being, no more no less. This however, doesnt mean I'm still "a lil' in love with them in the back of my head.."
She can still care about someone and not be interested in them. Doing this however, takes a bit of maturity and it's a bit of maturity most women don't have although they might. Remember that women are sentimental creatures and.. as such are more RE-ACTIVE than proactive. That is why they don't think too much about what they do but rather just do what their heart tells them.
i dont think you have enough to work with here. Why dont you go ahead and find out what she's up to? she's never going to tell you EXACTLY what is going on, how she is feeling and what her near-future plans are....
What would I do if I was you?
I'm clear cut. If I sense that she is not respecting me the way I expect a woman that is with me, sleeping with me and consuming my time, then I let her know how she is pushing buttons and pushing her luck. Afterall you are in a relationship and she needs to realize that. You have feelings just like she does. Tell her these things so that she knows that you care about the relationship(otherwise you wouldnt be reasoning these things out...) but you are not an emotional tampon to be dealing with all that drama and disrespect. Tell her you not liking the fact that she keeps constant contact with him is not jealously but a matter of respecting YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
If she doesnt want to get back with him - and he keeps trying - he is just going to pester her and he'll be diggin' his own grave. If you can make sure somehow, that she doesnt want him then let him dig his own grave. Otherwise you might need to put a foot out the door and make sure she notices....
Silquee Smoove
Master Don Juan
This thread has always picqued my attention because of how obvious the title is and when I read through the various replies I wasn't getting the answer I was looking for, but somehow I already knew.
This is the chick way of telling you, 50/50 - that she still has a nurturing, caring side for you, but doesn't have the feelings of lust and passion for you anymore.
What I didn't see posted in any of the earlier messages was an explanation of why a girl says she "still CARES for you/him". It depends on the person it is being directed to when she is saying this.
-If she is telling you that she still "cares", because she has broken up with you/dumped you, then you must realize that she is simply humoring you, and "saving face" in the process. She doesn't want to look bad and wants to make it seem like she still has something positive to say about you and to make herself "look" good.
-If she is still telling you that she "cares" for an ex-boyfriend, then she still has more than casual feelings for him and is open to reuniting with him. Beware, there may not be much you can do besides breaking up with her first, because she won't be happy until she gives things another go with her ex.
I've seen the above happen to enough guys, and it used to confuse them, irritate me, and have her leaving the situation with a smile on her face.
As always, "Actions speak louder than words" and she can tell you whatever she wants, but, if you find out differently, then you know she was just telling you a bunch of BS and you can refer to one of the explanations that I've put up there and it will make more sense.
This is the chick way of telling you, 50/50 - that she still has a nurturing, caring side for you, but doesn't have the feelings of lust and passion for you anymore.
What I didn't see posted in any of the earlier messages was an explanation of why a girl says she "still CARES for you/him". It depends on the person it is being directed to when she is saying this.
-If she is telling you that she still "cares", because she has broken up with you/dumped you, then you must realize that she is simply humoring you, and "saving face" in the process. She doesn't want to look bad and wants to make it seem like she still has something positive to say about you and to make herself "look" good.
-If she is still telling you that she "cares" for an ex-boyfriend, then she still has more than casual feelings for him and is open to reuniting with him. Beware, there may not be much you can do besides breaking up with her first, because she won't be happy until she gives things another go with her ex.
I've seen the above happen to enough guys, and it used to confuse them, irritate me, and have her leaving the situation with a smile on her face.
As always, "Actions speak louder than words" and she can tell you whatever she wants, but, if you find out differently, then you know she was just telling you a bunch of BS and you can refer to one of the explanations that I've put up there and it will make more sense.
Don't demand her not to see him. Matter of fact, do the opposite, act like you don't care. If you do this, she'll be thinking "why is he just letting me go like this, doesn't he care about me?"...If she goes out and screws with him anyways....just find another girl.