My girl wants to hang out with her ex. What do I do?

[bigjohnson]

I told her that if she hangs out with him, I will dump her on the spot. ....

Personally I think this was a huge mistake. Either this was a test and you flunked or her IL is too low. The whole "I'll hang with this other chick (no sex!!!!)" thing is also just like a little boy begging for a crack at the cookie jar.

How about "What a relief, for a while I thought you were going to want to be exclusive pretty soon."?

 

[stylemaker]

just respect what she needs.

 

[EFFORT]

Just down grade her to a FB and get her on the rotation.

 

[Randallpink83]

I havent read anyone elses responses to the OP... But I hope I'm not the first to say that your girl is going to cheat on you.. even if she doesnt fvck him she atleast wants to.. Congratulations, you're dating a *****.

Either move on... or be a REAL MAN... she wouldn't cheat on a real man...

 

[Omen]

I'm sure your mind is racing, but let us know how it goes. And also too, I agree with bigjohnson on this...

"The whole "I'll hang with this other chick (no sex!!!!)" thing is also just like a little boy begging for a crack at the cookie jar."

Just dont try and play games like that with her, or make stuff up. You shouldn't have to stoop to this level. All you need to say if you want to say it, is.... How would it make you feel if I wanted to talk to my ex or hang out with her. Then say... see where I am coming from. And do that in a general tone of voice.

Also too, i'm not sure if the ex is getting in your face or is standing back or what, but you never mentioned any interaction with her ex. Most the time there is something between a current guy and her ex. I mean he knows about you, and vice versa. Dont get all tough guy and try and beat him, or what not. Just be the better man. Keep your head high, and if it doesn't work out, walk away like a man.

 

[aliasguy]

I'm sure your mind is racing, but let us know how it goes. And also too, I agree with bigjohnson on this...

"The whole "I'll hang with this other chick (no sex!!!!)" thing is also just like a little boy begging for a crack at the cookie jar."

Just dont try and play games like that with her, or make stuff up. You shouldn't have to stoop to this level. All you need to say if you want to say it, is.... How would it make you feel if I wanted to talk to my ex or hang out with her. Then say... see where I am coming from. And do that in a general tone of voice.

Also too, i'm not sure if the ex is getting in your face or is standing back or what, but you never mentioned any interaction with her ex. Most the time there is something between a current guy and her ex. I mean he knows about you, and vice versa. Dont get all tough guy and try and beat him, or what not. Just be the better man. Keep your head high, and if it doesn't work out, walk away like a man.

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The "how would you feel?" thing sounds great, but won't work in the real world. Women don't see things this way. It's all about how they feel alright, but in the here and now, not in a hypothetical. What matters to her is getting what she wants, when she wants it. Logic and reasoning will not work. She'll turn that kind of thing around on you if you box her in logically and frustrate her. She'll twist and turn and get you confused with some weird rationalization (likely putting YOU at fault in some way), or she'll get mad, or upset.

The bottom line here is, she's gonna do what she wants to do. Period. It doesn't matter WHAT you do, or say, or beg, or order her to do. She wants to spend time with him, for whatever (sex, validation, who knows?) And she will.

You're f*cked here, man. Lose her (or, I guess I should say you've already lost her.) Sure, she's likely to keep seeing you for now, but you are NOT gonna keep this one. Just avoid the future pain and do a pre-emptive disconnect.


[EDIT: This kinda thing is one reason why I'm DONE with "committed" relationships.]

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[skirtChaser]

tell her you want to meet her ex and that if he is a cool guy that you wouldn't mind doubling up on her with a three way. this covers all you bases, she doesn't find out your jelous, and it puts it in perspective. it lets her know that you think shes a hoe, and that a good romp is all she is worth.

 

[Production6257]

This is probably the most helpful thread that I have ever read. Thanks a lot guys.

Check these new developments out and tell me what you think.

Well, we were talking for a while and I decided to calm down and instead of telling her that it would be over and what-not. I did a little reversal of the whole thing (as you may have seen from my second post). Well I kept it up and was basically just screwing around when I was talking about hanging out with my past one-night-stand girls, but she bought it that I was really going to call them and hang out. Well let me say this: I am AMAZED at how much her attitude has changed! She texted me and said "I told (ex) not to text or im me anymore and I said that I can't hang out with him this weekend."
She called me today and was telling me how much she liked me, and she has quotes in her profile dedicated to me.

Unbe-freakin-lievable.

I don't know how to take this, honestly. Even though she hasn't hung out with the kid, I still trust her less than I did before. I mean, to her credit she wasn't doing any sneaking around and was very blunt about the whole conversation that she had with him. But it still makes me uneasy. Would breaking it off with her still be my best option?

 

[skirtChaser]

that's your call on that, she probably went behind your back and screwed and now she feels guilty

 

[swifTy]

i say proceed with caution.

if you like her. go it. just be wary man. keep your wit about you.

 

[Lord Shinra]

This has "disaster" written on it.

I agree, she probably already saw him somewhere and now feels guilty about it.

If you want to keep her, go for it. But if she pulls this sh!t again, pre- emptive drop her ass.

 

[Bible_Belt]

This is probably the most helpful thread that I have ever read. Thanks a lot guys.

Check these new developments out and tell me what you think.

Well, we were talking for a while and I decided to calm down and instead of telling her that it would be over and what-not. I did a little reversal of the whole thing (as you may have seen from my second post). Well I kept it up and was basically just screwing around when I was talking about hanging out with my past one-night-stand girls, but she bought it that I was really going to call them and hang out. Well let me say this: I am AMAZED at how much her attitude has changed! She texted me and said "I told (ex) not to text or im me anymore and I said that I can't hang out with him this weekend."
She called me today and was telling me how much she liked me, and she has quotes in her profile dedicated to me.

Unbe-freakin-lievable.

I don't know how to take this, honestly. Even though she hasn't hung out with the kid, I still trust her less than I did before. I mean, to her credit she wasn't doing any sneaking around and was very blunt about the whole conversation that she had with him. But it still makes me uneasy. Would breaking it off with her still be my best option?

Fvck yeah! Good for you. Do you see how powerful jealousy can be? And it's not like she was planning on having sex with the ex, but if they were around each other, as women like to say "one thing led to another." She's not making calculated plans to cheat. Women are not logical like that. She's following her emotions. This is what girls do. Jealousy over losing you to another girl trumped the feelings for her ex. Emotions drive women.

But it still makes me uneasy.

Notice I said that following emotions is what girls do - not guys. Like someone has said before, she already has one pvssy - she does not need another. It's ok that you feel a little jealousy about the ex, we're all human here. But don't show it! You saw how powerful jealousy is in women, but that same power works against you if you show jealousy yourself. It's a big turn-off in women. Jealousy conveys a lack of power, and inability to get what you want. Don't show jealousy and work toward the point of not caring so much. If you have women on tap to go to whenever she misbehaves, then you keep the power.

Would breaking it off with her still be my best option?

Hell no! She has shown major IOI with the jealousy, and she has at least appeared to cut contact with him. You have her right where you want her. Don't wuss it up by worrying about getting hurt. And don't start acting like you don't trust her. Don't even ask where she's been - better yet, don't even care. But until you can not care, at least pretend like you don't. Don't let jealousy work against you by showing it yourself.

 

[Randallpink83]

that's your call on that, she probably went behind your back and screwed and now she feels guilty

I was thinking this as a possibility also... she probably already has fkd the EX again... and yeah now her guilt is making it bubble up in a weird way.


or maybe not.. maybe she is innocent. But if you arent trusting her or have jealous issues then you have some inner game to work on and probably shouldnt have this girlfriend right now. Its just gonna be Drama obviously.

 

[young_gun]

I don't know why you would want to break it off with her now - she basically complied to your wish. Seems like she respects you more than you thought.

I wouldn't make any final decisions for at least a week or so. You don't want to break up with her and then be in a position where you're "sorry you didn't see things for how they really were" and try to get back with her. By that time, she'll already be back in his arms.

 

[Lexie]

I don't think you're being too harsh - just that you went about it the wrong way. I agree that this guy is no good, but the way you "commanded" her not to hang out with him is bound to make her defensive and upset...and more likely to do just the opposite.

A better thing to say might have been "babe, you know I trust you, and normally I wouldn't mind you hanging out with other guys, but EX is playing with you and disrespecting our relationship by putting moves on you. I really need you to stand by me on this one."

As for her turn-around once you suggested calling up your exes, maybe it just got her to look at things from a different point of view and realize what you were feeling. If you want to stick with her, I think this can be worked out.

 

[Play the Game]

I have an ex (with an AFC bf) who's coming over for the weekend. I'm definitely planning on getting somewhere...
Hope that helps in your decision.

I always try to think of it in these terms: If you don't stand for something, then you will fall for everything.
You can sit there and let her fvck her ex, and be a cuckold or you can do something about it and risk losing her.
If she has any respect for you she'll call it off. Don't assume girls don't know, everyone knows why we go back to see our ex.

 

[Omen]

i say proceed with caution.

if you like her. go it. just be wary man. keep your wit about you.

I'm going to have to agree with swifTy. I think by what you said, she showed she cares, probably thought about it, and feels bad. I would keep at it, but be wary as stated. You can never be too cautious.

Just dont make it seem that you are in that mood all the time. Go about how things were before she talked about the ex.

Some others think you're already screwed. Its hard to say cause we dont know you, or her, or him and aren't there to play detective.

What I can say, is that if she REALLY likes you, it would suck to drop her cold, and come to find out she never spoke to the guy after you had your talk. That would make you feel bad for doing that.

Again, just be cautious. Not all women are the same. Some will truly see they messed up, and weren't sure what they were thinking. Some will stab you in the back when you aren't, and are looking, and play you so good you THINK you know what is going on. We dont know which one you have and are only guessing.

But i'm going for the stay with her unless for some reason you get more info.

And you dont want to spy all the time, and that's not a relationship to have, but there are times I had an uneasy feeling and I would check things out.

Hey... I'm going to a concert this week-end and will be out of town. Oh, ok.

So i'd call her work and pretend I was a friend and ask if she was working.

Or vice versa. I have to work Sat at this time and Sunday. If I felt it was a lie I would again call, and ask if so and so was working. No, I think she has the week-end off. Ok, thanks. And if they asked it was a friend from school wanting to ask about a test.

I dont like that stuff, but if I ever feel that feeling, I may have to do that, cause she wont tell you the truth, so you have to find out for yourself.

Hopefully it doesn't get to that point for you though.

See, I had an ex once I dated, and I loved the girl, and the only one I really loved like I did. I am over her, but I still talk to her on occasion on line, or wish her happy b-day or what not. She is married, has 2 kids, and there is nothing between us but friends.

All we do is basically keep in touch. She has her life and I have mine, but because I cared about her I didnt drop her cold and tell her to go to hell.

With me though that was 6yrs ago. And her husband doesn't care, cause we aren't even in the same city (about 40mi away) and i've never met up with her, or any of that jazz. I ask how her kids are, her family, and just say hi.

Yours is totally different than mine. So there are times there is no harm in it like in my situation.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Okay, long story short, I have officially been bf/gf with this girl for a couple of weeks, and she told me originally that she is not going to talk to her ex who cheated on her multiple times before she broke up with him. Well he imed her today and she told me that he wants to hang out. She showed me a message from him that said "we can just be friends, but i would like it to be more than that". It is obvious to me that this guy wants some pus$y (his girlfriend just dumped him), but girls are f*cking retarded.

I told her that if she hangs out with him, I will dump her on the spot. She got extremely upset and told me that I don't care about our relationship. I have been sticking to my guns with this, but am I being too harsh? We actually broke up for like an hour tonight over it but then we talked for a while and we are still together. The thing with me is that I don't want to end up being the one that looks like a fool. She claims that I don't trust her and says that even if they do hang out, she would never do anything. What would you do?

What a joke. So you don't care about the relationship because you don't want her hanging around the ex?

That's some pretty messed up logic. She's trying to play you, step with caution. Her about-face is interesting though. Be careful or you may end up having to play these types of mind games ad nauseum.

The woman I'm with now tried something similar to this a year or so back. She felt insecure about my feelings for her, so she started making idle threats, in essence, to force me to play my hand. She started hanging around this real loser a couple times at the bar, in front of me to make me jealous. When I protested, she pulled the blame game on me, turned it around, accused me of being jealous and all that.

So you know what I did? I went out on a couple dates with another woman. Proper dates.

Well, she flipped when she found out. Bigtime.

Apparently what's good for the gander is not necessarily good for the goose.

She's been a good girl ever since, and on my terms I might add as well. Talk is cheap. Action is required in these situations. Once she saw that I was willing to actually go out and provide my attention to another woman, her game changed bigtime. She did not like that one bit.

Yeah, it's extreme, but sometimes it's the only way to end the games.

She's been a very good girlfriend ever since. Sucks my c*ck all the time, cooks, cleans and does the dishes, and loves doing it. This is how it is supposed to be.

Show her you mean business.

 

[Production6257]

She felt insecure about my feelings for her, so she started making idle threats, in essence, to force me to play my hand.

Yes! Big time. She has constantly been telling me that she doesn't think that I like her and I don't care about her, etc. I think that this may be what she is doing, but I'm not sure if it's that she's forcing me to play my hand or she wants to test the waters with her ex, or both.

Anyway, she sent me a couple messages when I was asleep telling me how she misses me (even though I just saw her on Sunday night). This little game that I played with her seems like it worked, but it is going to be hard for me to keep it up for a long time because: 1- I hate playing games all the time, and 2- I am pretty much bluffing, and if she does go with this guy I'm not really sure if I could find a girl to just go in a date with. This girl is my first girlfriend (I'm 20 btw) so I can't really go back to any exes per se. The only thing I can think of is to try to talk to previous one-night-stands and hope that they'll go on a date. I don't want to be all talk with this.

We are going to go out tonight and I'm sure that we will talk about this whole thing. I'm probably going to keep with the attitude that I don't care if she goes out with him, but if she does I will start going out with other girls. I'll let you guys know.

Also, to Omen; Her ex and I have never met before. He continues to text her and im her even though she supposedly told him to stop and he is telling her that he is willing to wait and see what happens with us. He is also making it known that he wants her back, which is why I get mad at the notion that she even considered hanging out with him.

 

[Bunk 040]

What would you do?

Tell her she should go **** with him.